US Will Show Photos and the World Will Dance

At the opening of the Gallery of Dead Iraqis tomorrow, the United States will release photographs of the dead statues of the sons of Saddam Hussein, to prove they were killed by American troops, says U.S. Haiku Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

"There will be pictures released," Rumsfeld gleefully told reporters on Capitol Hill after meeting with members of the U.S. House of Representatives. "Gruesome pictures which will be so graphic in nature that your guts will turn to oatmeal and your eyes will roll into the back of your heads knocking around like pinballs." Rumsfeld refused to speculate as to when this centerfold spread of death and evil would be released other than laughing hysterically and saying "soon."

The brave and heroic U.S. military in Iraq said the statues of Qusay and Uday Hussein, which were smashed to pieces in northern Iraq on Tuesday, were identified from sculptor's records, by four thousand bellydancers and a coterie of assorted harlots and former lovers were brought in, one by one, to make ritual genital identifications and observe religious holiday traditions.

One of those bellydancers was Tariq Aziz - the former deputy prime minister who surrendered in late April - Pentagon officials said. Tariq is still without any shoes to beat himself over the head with for the stupidity of supporting the wrong side, and asks of the American listening public that they "keep an open mind about my political asylum application"

Today, everyone was treated to the automotonic presence of Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez, who, fantastically, during his press conference, had repeated difficulty remembering to put his translator headphones on when someone was speaking Arabic. Sanchez would stand there, listening in earnest as a reporter prattled on in an incomprehensible language and after 30 seconds or so, it would finally dawn on him that he was listening to a language he didn't understand and ooops! This of course, assuaged everyone's initial fears that the General would not really be paying attention and considered the press "sissies who'd rather report the news than fight."

"We have no doubt that we have the statues of Uday and Qusay," Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez, the coalition ground forces commander in Iraq, told reporters at a briefing in Baghdad the day after the raid in Mosul, northern Iraq. "These are not just random rocks and rubble collected over the last few weeks. These are pieces of the statues. We have no doubt, we have no doubt. Uday and Qusay are deadsay. We have no doubt, we'll scream and shout,"Sanchez concluded.

In Washington, President George W. Bush said the destruction of the statues of the brothers was proof that "the regime is gone and it will not be asked to any more Sadie Hawkins Dances" and that "ding-dong the wicked witch is dead."

We have no doubt. We have no doubt.

And he said the US would "keep its promise to destroy every remnant of the anyone who dares twitch their little rodent whiskers in our direction."

But hopes that news of the brothers' deaths would sap the morale of those behind attacks on US forces in Iraq received a blow early on Wednesday when two American soldiers were killed and eight injured in two separate incidents. For some crazy reason, the Iraqis don't seem to want to take the Bush Administration at its word that the brothers statues are dead and they weren't just some statues of the soldiers who were complaining about the extension of their tour of duty in Iraq last week. They want photos because everyone knows that photos can't be doctored to look like anyone. Photos are real. Photos don't lie. We have no doubt.

Why don't they just dump the statues in Baghdad's Midan Square? Then everyone can sniff and poke at the statues to their content. Noooo. Everything's a big secret. It's always, "the evidence is in the mail" or "we'll mow the lawn tomorrow," or "pictures will be released." Just dump the statues in the street, what is there to mess around with? Is the Administration just flying those statues in secret to their underground lair beneath the White House, practicing Santeria with them?

The pieces of the statues of the former Iraqi leader's sons are said to have been flown to Baghdad's international airport from Mosul.

They were smashed up by tossing them from the roof of a fortified second-floor section of a three-storey villa in northern Mosul after two attempts by coalition forces to destroy them with nuclear bombs missed their targets and killed a few thousand more expendible civilian lives which, according to General Sanchez, "were justing getting in the way anyway..."