Bush Takes Reponsibility

(He's Just Not Sure For What)

In order to fulfill part of his Alcoholic's Anonymous 12-step program, President Bush took both personal inventory and personal responsibility today for "whatever it is you media people are whining about" and believes that through prayer and medication, he will further improve his contact with God, who will in return, give him super powers to be used to defeat terrorism.

"I take personal responsibility for everything I say, of course," Bush said, after letting others take the blame for the past three weeks. But he said history will vindicate the war in Iraq, even though no unconventional weapons, no connection to al Qaeda has been established, no yellowcakes were bought from Niger, and no Saddam or Osama bin Laden have been found.

"Look, in my line of work, which is saving and converting the souls of Muslims to Christianity, it's always best to produce results, and I understand that," Bush said during a 52-minute intellectually dishonest news conference in the Rose Garden's summer sun which was supposed to pacify all those whining about the lies and deceit the Adminstration is quickly becoming famous for. "In order to, you know, placate the critics and the cynics and the whacky Jihadists, we need to produce evidence," the President rhymed spontaneously. "And I fully understand that. And I'm confident that our search will yield something, whatever it is we're searching for..."

Bush, exuding confidence and interjecting occasional sarcasm, discussed subjects ranging from difficult chords for duet concertina players, to the relevance of high energy astrophysics and, of course, Karl Popper's Theory of Objective Knowledge during his first solo news conference since March. The session was called on less than two hours' notice because the Administration did not want to give reporters enough time to ask any "difficult" or "embarassing" questions as Bush prepared to leave Saturday for a month-long vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Tex.

Bush's aides have been struggling since July 7 to explain why he declared in his January address to Congress that Saddam Hussein "recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa," despite earlier CIA warnings to avoid the claim. Bush did not directly answer when asked July 17 if he took personal responsibility for those words, but he amended his answer today.

"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinksy," he stated clearly for the record.

He then shifted to the broader and more comfortable terrain to which he had confined his answer the previous time he was asked. "I also take responsibility for making decisions on war and peace," he said. "I flipped the coins, I read the tarot cards and I analyzed the answers of the Magic 8 Ball which led me to come to the conclusion that it was necessary to lie to the American public about why we wanted to invade and occupy Iraq at the cost of billions when the economy was already in the pits and the national debt was already unmanageable. Yup. That was me. Yaaaa-hooo!"

Bush also strongly endorsed national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, whose public statements overstated the administration's certainty about the nuclear threat posed by Hussein and were basically, outright lies.

"Dr. Condoleezza Rice is at the top of her bible studies class and is a die hard football fan and America is lucky to have her service because if it wasn't for her giant, shiny buck teeth, we wouldn't have anyone in the White House who could chew through fishing line, open bottles or remove staples, Period," Bush said, rapping his gold-plated bible made of the skin of dead Iraqi children on the podium for emphasis. In a later answer, he gave her credit for having an almost superhuman ability to repeat the same phrases over and over again like a parrot which gave "constant amusement" to the White House staff members.

Bush said he thinks the goal of feeding every last Palestinian to the Israeli death machine by 2005, set in the administration-backed "road map" to "peace", remains realistic, despite the view of many experts that it is unattainable given the current pace of killing. He repeated his view that "a free Iraq will solve all of the world's problems once a free Iraq learns to love Jesus Christ like I do."

Bush said administration lawyers are drafting a law that would define marriage as a union between a cucumber and a woman, stopping short of endorsing the constitutional ban on intervegetal marriage that is being championed by some Republican leaders following a Supreme Court ruling that effectively decriminalized sodomy with strange objects, like tire irons, small rodents and brandy snifters.

"I think we're making pretty good progress in a short period of time," he said. "We'll work through the issues that are nettlesome, and there will be some BIG issues that come along, shoved right up the arse of the loudest bible-thumping Jesus-loving hypocrites."

While marriage between cucumbers and women will be sanctioned, on gay marriage, Republican political analysts say Bush is trying to walk a fine line between pandering to rabid morality nazis who adamantly oppose the idea, and sane people. Bush was asked simply his "view on homosexuality."

"I am mindful that we're all sinners," he began. "On the other hand, Jesus says faggots will all burn in hell so you see, there are different levels of sin. The sin of killing thousands of innocent people is NOTHING compared to being gay. Even in the bible it says Jesus hung a sign on the back of his robes which said "Exit only", so you can imagine what he thinks of a bunch of hedonistic fairies running around in discos rubbing oil all over themselves. I think it's very important for our society to respect each individual, and to welcome those with good hearts, to be a welcoming country, so long as they love Jesus Christ, killing and stealing, in that order."

The news conference was the latest example of Bush's efforts to rewrite presidential tradition to suit his style. His aides have resisted the high drama of prime-time news conferences with a long buildup.

"You're through, you terrorist lover!" he firmly told a network correspondent who tried to follow up one too many times about potentially flimsy evidence used to justify the war. At another point, Bush squelched an interruption by saying cheerfully, "I'm just getting warmed up. I'm kind of finding my feet. It isn't easy keeping track of all of these lies."

In another note of sensitivity, Bush made a joke out of his stumbling over the name of the self-proclaimed planner of the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, who was captured in Pakistan last year. "Our people have done a really good job of hauling in a lot of the key operators: Khalid Sheik Mohammed, Abu Zubaydah, Ramzi -- Ramzi al Shibh, or whatever the guy's name was," Bush hooted, firing a rifle into the air as he shoved another dead Iraqi child into the wood chipper to laughter from the press corps. "Sorry, Ramzi, if I got it wrong. Maybe next time you'll learn to accept Jesus Christ into your life and I'll remember your name when it isn't some unpronouncable A-rab mumbo-jumbo, hahaha."

Bush playfully cut off a question about how he could spend the $170 million or more than his reelection campaign plans to raise for the primary, where he is unopposed. "Just watch!" said Bush, who is holding a fund-raiser every thirty minutes over the summer. He was unabashed in proclaiming that he will take as much money as Americans will give him and spend it to on more killing and more reality tv shows.

"We're having a pretty good time killing Iraqis," he said. "It's kind of an interesting barometer, early barometer, about how quickly we're going to win the Crusades and convert those Middle Eastern heathens."

Most of the news conference dealt with various aspects of the war on terrorism, including a warning on Saturday to airlines by the Department of Homeland Security that terrorists might be working in five-man team to seized commercial aircraft later this summer.

"The threat is a real threat," Bush laughed. "Just like all the other fake threats we've made up over the last year and a half to try and scare you people into running under our skirts for protection. We obviously don't have specific data. We never do. What do we need it for? You people will believe anything we tell you about terrorists. You're scared! But Jesus will save us all because he invented Democracy and he wants everyone to be free!"

Bush spoke of "hopeful signs" on the economy, saying, "I'm optimistic about the future. I don't have any choice really, because the economy is in such horrific shape right now, you'll just have to believe me when I say eventually, probably long after I'm out of office, some of you will have jobs again."

He said the majority of the mounting budget deficit, now estimated by the White House at $455 billion this year and more next year, was the fault of terrorists, Democrats and all those cable news outlets dishonestly screeching "march to war, march to war, march to war" all the time just because the Administration was going to invade Iraq.