dinsdag, augustus 31, 2004

Republican Convention Kicks Off The President Jesus Bush Hero Train
"No Bigger Hero In The History of Human Kind"

Judging by the spirited addresses by Senator John McCain and former Mayor of NYC, Rudy Giuliani, if it wasn't for the bravery, courage, heroism and the steady-handed and single-minded course of stupidity and misjudgement guided by President Jesus Bush since the attacks of September 11, there might not even BE an America to vote for the President in 2004. It would all be in a smoldering ruin of death and destruction. Lucky for us, President Jesus Bush was around to save the day for all humanity against the triumph of evil and the villanry of terrorism.

In his speech, Mr. Giuliani invoked images of the Sept. 11 terror attacks in a way that few political figures would dare to unless they too were using the tragedy of others in a crass and blatant political ploy. He laced his address with personal experiences, like when he saw a body plummet from the World Trade Center, stopping just short of suggesting that President Jesus Bush was almost able to reach down from the heavens and save even those leaping to their deaths from 111 stories high.

Mr. Giuliani applauded the president's decision to invade Iraq, saying that Saddam Hussein was himself a "weapon of mass destruction," ending of course, any need to actually FIND any weapons of mass destruction which were allegedly the cause for a preemptive invasion of Iraq in the first place. He emphasized the themes of leadership and compassion, and he compared the president to the wartime British prime minister, Winston Churchill, and the last American president of the cold war, Ronald Reagan. When it came to heroes, there wasn't anyone Mr. Giuliani wouldn't compare President Jesus Bush with. "If I didn't already believe Superman were just a cartoon character, I'd believe that Superman was President Jesus Bush and if there WERE a Superman to save all of humanity, well, he must be President Jesus Bush!"

In his remarks, he recalled how President Bush "stood amid the fallen towers and said to the barbaric terrorists who attacked us, 'They will hear from us.' " Not only did they hear from the President, but so did tens of thousands of innocent and dead Iraqi civilians, killed, unfortunately, as collateral damage in the effort to save them from a cruel and evil dictator (Saddam Hussein, that is.)

Leading up to Mr. Giuliani's effusive speech of praise and child-like awe of President Bush was former rival and Vietnam vet, Senator John McCain.

"I knew my confidence was well placed when I watched him stand on the rubble of the World Trade Centre with his arm around a hero of September 11th, and in our moment of mourning and anger, strength in our unity and our resolve by promising to right this terrible wrong." McCain said, straight-shooter that he is. "And even more courageous than even the heroes of September 11th was the reaction of President Bush. Instead of letting other heroes of the American military die FOR him in an ill-thought out invasion of a sovereign nation under false pretexts, our hero President Bush led the charge, like a true hero, single-handedly defeated Saddam Hussein by himself, killing him like the vermin he is without anyone else's help and basically, saved the world from eternal evil and damnation for ever and ever because gosh darn it, there isn't a bigger hero in the world than President Jesus Bush. Not even his own father was brave enough nor strong enough to rid the world of Saddam Hussein and look at what our president did! Oh my! What a courageous man! What a leader!"

Just following the opening night of the convention, a Washington Post-ABC Poll released today showed that more than 90% of Americans think George Bush is the greatest hero in the history of humanity and would give their only children in his name because he is the greatest human being in the history of the world and NO ONE is ever going to be a better president than he has been.

Another 90% believed that John Kerry was Satan's spawn and if he is allowed to be president, it would be like "given the White House to terrorists".

donderdag, augustus 26, 2004

When God Made America

She gave her horns to bleet the blues,
she gave her breasts on each coast
she gave her a cock out of Maine
and a tail that prayed to Mexico.

She gave her colour, to even out
the plains, the same way
she distinctly chose the vein
to shoot the highway down.

She gave her history on blank pages
and crayon people outside the lines
to create decades
that settle sentences like punctuation.

She gave cock to doodle-do
and asked nothing in return,
spurned the advances
of lesser lovers
for just a chance,
over and over again.

She sang hosannas, tinkled
the keys, jitterbugged and
flailed her legs, all in the episode
for you and me.

She brought us together, one
atop another, or juxtaposed,
one supposes, just for us
to have the chance to be indifferent.

She dug her fingers in her hair
and made the window panes rattle and peel.
And then
she stopped, and breathed.
Bush Sucks Cock Or Kerry?

I read an article in the London Times this afternoon which touched upon
Kerry's argument about who he killed in Vietnam (in defence, one
supposes against the Patrol Boat for Truth freaks) and couldn't help but
wonder at how pathetic the American political scene is. I wanted to
wonder why Vietnam is still an issue so long future but of course
remembered only a week or so ago watching his montage at the Democrat
convention, knowing that he provoked it himself.

From the outside now, I wonder what Americans care about in electing
their future or standing president. As I've probably noted herein
before, it deeply disturbs me that both parties feel compelled to pander
to religious conservatives (or, let's say Midwest people who think a
belief in god has anything to do with how the country is governed) but
that notwithstanding, what the fuck do YOU Americans care about for your
future president?

I haven't heard anything from the opposition other than platitudes like
"I'll fix the economy" (and his little solar plexus meowmeowmeow) and
that Kerry could garner more support from "allies" so not as many
Americans die in Iraq (just some interchangeable sort of foreign troops
instead) -- as though anyone, even a republican like Dole, could garner
more respect from the outside than Bush's policies have...)

Kerry and Edwards don't really strike me as an enormous change from the
kind of corporate toxins that have infilterated every aspect of world
culture. Oh yeah, well, they'll be a wot, kinder, gentler form of
corporate hegomony but in the end, it is, after all, the same old
bullshit antithesis of Chekov's maxim on freedom (freedom from violence,
freedom from lies) but at the end of the day, when or if America has rid
itself of Bush, what does it have in Kerry to be happy about?

And probably those dissatisfied with poltical rants expecting poetics
(the young man's vice) will have already departed these lines, but if
they haven't, a morsel of poetry, for the young men (or women, depending
on the degree of political correction):

shamelessly cut and pasted from what I like:

Emily Dickinson (1830–86). Complete Poems. 1924.

Part Three: Love


MINE by the right of the white election!
Mine by the royal seal!
Mine by the sign in the scarlet prison
Bars cannot conceal!

Mine, here in vision and in veto! 5
Mine, by the grave’s repeal
Titled, confirmed,—delirious charter!
Mine, while the ages steal!

woensdag, augustus 25, 2004

Kerry's Service in Vietnam Faulted in Prison Abuse

WASHINGTON - John Kerry's service history in Vietnam and dodgy purple heart awards contributed to an environment in which prisoners were abused at Abu Ghraib prison, according to a report released on Tuesday by high-level panel investigating the military detentions.

The outside four-member panel headed by former Defense Secretary James Schlesinger found that back in the 60s, Kerry failed to exercise proper oversight over confusing detention policies in Vietnam which directly led to the abuses at U.S. prisons in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as at the U.S. naval base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

"Whilst Kerry continues to defend himself against attack ads, these charges of unreliability and untrustworthiness, especially in light of President Jesus Bush's own sterling and heroic Vietnam war record, specifically effected command failures and the poor advice provided by staff officers with responsibility for overseeing battlefield functions related to detention and interrogation operations during the Iraq invasion," the report said. "Had Mr Kerry been more forthcoming, as President Jesus Bush has, about his military service, the Abu Ghraib prison abuses would not have occurred and thus, Mr Kerry and his distrustfulness must share this burden of responsibility."

The panel did not find that innocent people like Donald Rumsfeld or military leaders directly ordered abuse such as stripping prisoners naked and sexually humiliating them. It said, however, that the abuses were not carried out by just a few individuals, as the Bush administration has consistently maintained. It is quite possible that Mr Kerry himself carried out some of those abuses, according to several Swift Boat members.

Republicans, Er, Swift Boat Veterans Attack Better Than They Did in Vietnam, Yet Lose Another Hero

Sycophantic twisters of truth, President Jesus Bush campaign supporters and paramours of President Jesus Bush, cleverly disguised as and otherwise known as the (hoho-haha)Swift Boat Veterans For "Truth", have lost another hero to their cause yesterday when yet another Vietnam vet broke ranks with Republicans to side with Kerry.

"In their perverted attempt to discredit John Kerry, they have done a greater harm to all Vietnam veterans who for years have sought validation for their service to country," Ed Belfoure, who flew helicopters as a Marine in Vietnam, said.

Desultory Turgescence recent polling shows that more than 78% of Americans who closely followed the events of the Vietnam War have concluded that the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have now demonstrated a better capability to attack than they ever did whilst actually serving their country during the war, which was yet another ill-thought-out invasion of a sovereign nation.

Ironically, President Jesus Bush, who did not serve in the Vietnam war at all, hiding underneath his daddy's skirts in Texas so he had more time to booze it up and snort lines of coke while his lesser privileged "fellow Americans" were being blown to bits both physically and psychologically in the Vietnam war, is rumoured to be President of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

vrijdag, augustus 13, 2004

Random Braying

With the Desultory Turgescence team busy hunting down rumours throughout France, Holland and Scotland for the past and yes, future several weeks, this sort of scattershot and random, perhaps even infrequent deliveries of the daily posts will unfortunately, continue.

Please remain heartened by the information that by the onset of September, the shop will be fully up and running once again spewing and spearheading the kind of caustic, rubbery Anisetta Evangelisti aftertaste you've all grown to know and love.

In the interim, kindly aquaint yourself with these random items:

For the lads and lassies back in Amurrrica, those drowning in the tsunami of false political contentions and distortions, the Annenberg Political Fact Check always one to comb through the lice of disinformation and seek tiny granules of truth.


Speaking of knife jobs, August Kleinzahler's "No Antonin Artaud with the Flapjacks, Please" is a classic in the making knife job on Garrison Keillor.

"Readers may remember how the U.S. military blared Van Halen and others at the Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega, when he took refuge in the Vatican Embassy in Panama City during our invasion of Panama years ago. This method of rousting the wicked proved so successful that it was repeated during the recent Afghan experience, when heavy metal chart-busters were unleashed on caves thought to be sheltering Taliban and al-Qaeda fighters. The English Guardian newspaper reported last year that we were breaking the wills of captured terrorists, or suspected terrorists, by assaulting them first with heavy metal followed by "happy-smiley children's songs." The real spirit cruncher turns out to be the "Barney, I Love You" song played for hours on end. Even the most hardened, sadistic killers buckle under "that kind of hell," or so asserted a reliable source. But if that fails to work, I suggest a round-the-clock tape of Garrison Keillor reading poems on his daily Writer's Almanac show."


If you're interested in winning philosophical arguments you might want to have a look on overcoming, 38 Dishonest Tricks.


Imaginary novels and incredible stories are being collected for posterity in an unconventional UK arts project, The Library of Unwritten Books.


and lastly,

Bush: America better off with his leadership

LOS ANGELES, California -- President Jesus Bush said Thursday that America is "absolutely" better off today than it was four years ago -- on both the national security and domestic fronts.

"The world's safer. ... no one except terrorists and thugs are getting killed anymore. We're killing terrorists and thugs at a great pace and will continue to do so throughout the elections," Bush said in an exclusive interview on CNN's "Larry King Live."

"There are 50 million people that once lived in tyranny now living in societies which are heading toward pro-American, pro-oil and anti-Muslim democracies," he said. "In fact, in the next election, we are opening it up for voters from all countries who support me to vote for me to be president, not JUST of America, but the entire planet Earth since I'm doing such a good job here and there's really no point in limiting my powers to improve your miserable lives to just one country,"

Bush also promoted improvements at home.

"The economy is growing. Why, just look at it grow! I've never seen a better economy. I've never seen a more vibrant, promising economic future. There has never been a better economy in the history of earth" he said. "The education system is better than it has been ever in the history of mankind, anywhere, even planets we haven't discovered yet and because of the No Child Left Behind Act, the kids being left behind are either dead or in prison so we haven't got to worry about them anymore. The Medicare law has been watered down so seniors will have very limited and expensive prescription drug coverage starting in 2006 which will facilitate and encourage their early deaths since most of them don't vote for me anyway."

The president also said he would still choose to go to war in Iraq if he had it to do all over again -- even knowing everything he now knows about the absence of stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction.

"What difference does it make now? I will argue that Saddam Hussein out of power has made the world a better place and a safer place," he said. "It doesn't matter whether or not it's true, I will argue that anyway since that is the only thread of possible justification we have left after all our other excuses have been paper tigers. We thought we'd find stockpiles. The whole world thought we'd find stockpiles. ... But what we do know is Saddam Hussein had the capability of making weapons of mass destruction, and after September 11th, a risk we could not take was that he would share that capability with our enemies. Even if the risk was all in our heads and he just happened to be sitting coincidentally on a the world's second largest supply of oil and well, doesn't everyone agree that Iraq makes a wonderful military base? I'm thinking we should rename it Fort Iraq, allow all those who love me to vote for me in the next election and kill everyone who opposes me as a terrorist and thug"

Bush, who was joined for the interview by his wife, Laura, also took issue with a proposal by Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry to set a six-month time frame to begin reducing the number of U.S. troops in Iraq.

"That says to the enemy, 'Wait for six months and one day,' or it says to the Iraqis, 'The Americans aren't serious,'" Bush said. "But I am a serious man and I don't intend to stop killing for Jesus any time soon. The timetable is this --not one day more than is necessary, and the commanders on the ground will let us know when."

Bush, who has championed a federal constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, also made some of his most explicit comments to date on whether he believes states should be able to provide legal recognition to gay and lesbian couples with civil unions that stop short of marriage.

"Faggots shouldn't marry, that's the bottom line," Bush said. "Jesus doesn't like faggots and neither do I. Not even with mushy peas. I do not want to change the definition of marriage. I don't think our country should. We are a country of Jesus-lovers, not faggots"

With just 81 days to go before Americans decide if he should get a second term, Bush told King he was confident of winning re-election, despite polls showing the race is razor close.

"I believe the American people know my style of leadership, they know what to expect, and they understand that the commander-in-chief must not waver in this era --that we must continue to stay on the offense," he said. "But if the American people don't see it my way, it doesn't really matter, I'll find a way to win the election, no matter what it takes. I have an obligation to lead, hand in hand with Jesus."