dinsdag, juli 22, 2003

Bush Administration To Announce New "Why Not Marry An Iraqi?" Policy

In an effort to offset the negative publicity caused by Saddam Hussein loyalists killing coalition forces in a war that persists alongside rebuilding efforts and the governments of Syria and Iran harbouring terrorists and creating the greatest obstacle to peace in the region, the White House announced a Why Not Marry An Iraqi? campaign they will kick off later next month.

Speaking at his Texas ranch with the leader of one supportive country, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy, Bush said: "The more people involved in Iraq, the better off we will be."

The Administration would like to recruit some 10,000 Christian-American missionaries from both the public and private sector to agree to marry eligible Iraqi men and women "in the interests of promoting brotherhood with our Iraqi hosts and polluting their Muslim wombs with good Christian values," the White House noted, following Bush's remarks.

"This extension of hostility is really a part of the war to liberate Iraq," Bush said. "We're patient. We're strong. We're virile. We have alot of money and we love Jesus and we will see to it that every Iraqi man and woman is happy under the umbrella of Jesus and our killing machines. And obviously, the more help we can get, the more we appreciate it, so if you happen to be hankering for a chore Jesus, c'mon down and lend a hand!"

Bush is thought to have come up with this idea after being told by Jesus just before bedtime, about the story of Alexander the Great and how back in Susa, in 324 B.C., Alexander performed a mass marriage of 9,000 of his soldiers and Macedonian officials who took one Persian women each, including Hephaestion and Ptolemy. Alexander himself took two new brides. The wedding was done in traditional Persian style. The bridegroom would sit down in chairs, after a toss the brides came in, took them by the hand, and kissed them. Every guest that sat down for the banquet(roughly 30,000) had a gold cup before them. The celebration went on for no less than 5 days. There was also a big parade in the park.

Jesus is thought to have explained to President Bush how this was an act of state rather than romantic idealism because Alexander's new empire, just like the new Bush Empire, had to be cemented together in order to survive. "Get it now, rube? Jesus was alleged to have murmured just before President Bush's brave and patient and strong eyelids began to flutter asleep. Alexander didn't have to mess around with fighting Persian loyalists, see, because he had 'em busy, getting married and making babies and drinking from gold cups and all that...

Indigestion May Have Aided The Plan

While he entertained Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi's during his visit to the Bush Family Compound and Ranch on Sunday and Monday, the President had been busy trying his new era biochemic remedies which Karl Rove and Jesus assured him were homoeopathically prepared from safe, natural and non-habit forming active ingredients. Invariably, President Bush consumed too much of the linguini putanesca Berlusconi brought with him and then compounded the problem by swallowing a handful of some of the more questionable biochemic remedies, causing acute indigestion. During this episode, he had a "vision" of huge Iraqi weddings populated by singing and dancing Iraqi families and thousands of Americans made up of former Jerry Springer Show audiences. But then the vision was suddenly interrupted by television replays of his brave and patient speeches about Saddam Hussein which brought tears of pride to his eyes because the guerillas, like insensitive party-crashers, were ruining the celebration of Democracy in Iraq.

"This behaviour is completely unacceptable," Bush said at the ranch while he dried his eyes and thanked Jesus for the insight. "States that support terror will be held accountable," he warned, pointing a finger at the camera. "Once we get all those guerillas married off, we can pave the road to freedom and democracy and all sorts of good, clean fun."

Plenty O' Pasta

Berlusconi's visit to the ranch Sunday and Monday gave Bush a chance to show that not all Europe is cool to his policies, and that transatlantic relations remain strong even though France and Germany didn't back the war effort.

Bush and Berlusconi, both wearing Mussolini masks, cowboy boots and black trenchcoats, talked about what a bunch of Nazi "saddamites" the French and the Germans were for being such cowards about the impassionate killing of several thousand Iraqi bystanders. They also talked about strengthening their death grip on mass media in both of their countries, and of course, fighting evil wherever they see it.

"Defending freedom requires cost and sacrifice. Unfortunately, killing isn't as cheap as it used to be. The United States is grateful for Italy's willingness to bear the burdens with us. We now have enough pasta to feed our troops until 2088." Bush said, patting his stomach as though he were bearing the son of God instead of a half kilo of linguini and belched out a song called:


Berlusconi dice cose ridicole e inquietanti,
espressioni pazzesche, come "potete aiutarmi?
Vorrei denunciare un delitto:
io sono Berlusconi,
e non sapevo che c'era il limite di velocità.

Prime Minister Berlusconi, le parole più belle,
o forse,
Non ho ordinato questo.
A chi potrei rivolgermi per fare un reclamo?

Forza (non funziona)...
Vorrei parlare con chi è incaricato di uccisione
e miracoli.

The Bush administration stepped up its efforts to reframe the poem, calling it "a little too postmodern" for debate over the Iraq war on Monday but Berlusconi seemed to find the experience heart-warming and ate more mouthfuls of intelligence documents with the GOP congressional leadership while Jesus urged Republicans to emphasize positive aspects of the war, like "be glad it's not your house getting bombed" and "as long as our troops are in the streets of Baghdad, they aren't on the streets of America."

Meanwhile, White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett met on Monday with top GOP House and Senate staff members to teach them to mouth and ape the essential expressions of support, love and devotion to their President and urged them to "wave more American flags and bibles" because "It gets them all riled up...", officials said.

So if you haven't yet, you'd better sign the Stop It God Petition via Bloggerheads.

Tune in for the next episode of Bush the Superman when he personally performs exotic eugenics experiments on unsuspecting Iraqi children.

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