Body of Saddam Identified

WACO, Texas (Reuters) — Authorities confirmed late yesterday that a body recovered from a gravel pit southeast of Baylor University is that of missing evil dictator Saddam Hussein.

Police said on Sunday they have identified the body of missing evil dictator Saddam Hussein, whose two sons were killed last week with a booty of painkillers, numerous bottles of cologne, Viagra, unopened packages of men’s underwear, dress shirts, a silk tie and a single condom.

On Saturday, authorities removed a badly decomposed body that had been found on Friday night a few miles from Baylor, in central Texas. The body was sent to the medical examiners office in Dallas for identification.

"I am happy to report it is the body of Saddam Hussein," McLennan County Sheriff Larry Lynch told a news conference. "I have notified the people of Iraq and the President of the United States of Saddam of this identification."

Lynch said the medical examiners office in Dallas has been conducting an autopsy to determine the cause of death.

Saddam's body was found in an area of dusty roads and chest-high weeds about five miles southeast of Waco. Last Tuesday, police searched a nearby gravel pit but came up with nothing.

Lynch said police would conduct further searches in the area where the body was found in order to collect more evidence.Lynch declined to say what led to the identification. But another official said a human head was recovered from the area in the morning.

Authorities brought in cadaver-sniffing dogs to continue searching the quarry where the badly decomposed body was found on Friday evening.

The remains were sent to the Southwest Forensic Institute in Dallas for an autopsy. Lynch said that the additional remains were sent to Dallas yesterday afternoon, leading to the identification. Saddam Hussein was running scared, the US military said, as troops scoured the fallen dictator's

"Life was uncomfortable for this evil dictator. This guy was having a hard time just getting on. He was losing his freedom of action as the decomposition process began in earnest," said Colonel Jim Hickey of the army's 4th Infantry Division (4ID).

White House Is Pleased

The White House says President Bush was pleased to learn of the discovery of the body of Saddam Hussein in his home state. The initial White House response was muted and came in the form of a brief written statement noting that they were "surprised" that Saddam had been hiding out in their own backyard but that the world was now a "Utopic Paradise" thanks to the work of America's great President and the brave and miraculous leaders of American Imperialism.

It was clearly welcome news for the White House. But the president and his aides decided to let the Pentagon take the credit and do most of the talking, just in case the body is later determined to be only a wax figure.

Several hours after an American general said Saddam was dead, the White House issued a one paragraph statement.

Spokesman Scott McClellan said Saddam was responsible for countless atrocities committed against the Iraqi people and can no longer cast "a shadow of hate on Iraq."

In keeping with Vice President Dick Cheney's tradition of hiding from the public, President Bush has remained out of public view in the hours since the announcement was made because he wanted to finish "reading a few comic books and study up on what a bad man Saddam really was".

It was White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card who got the first call from the Pentagon confirming that Saddam's body had been found. Mr. McClellan said the president responded to the news by congratulating the American troops and intelligence agencies involved in the operation and then, getting misty-eyed, added how much this meant to his his re-election campaign and building up his campaign treasury, which already has more than $32 million on hand.

"If we make enough money during this campaign who knows, we might not even have to hold presidential elections after all," noted McClellan. "We can't seem to make a dime for the economy or the hard-working people of the United States but when it comes to raising money for the President, whooo-weeee, we're A-number one Joe." McClellan concluded.