Rumsfeld Says Iraq May Need a Larger Farce

WASHINGTON, July 13 — Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said today that the United States will need to send additional troops to die in Iraq because as everyone knows, "without the jackboot of heavily-armed Imperialist killing machines to quell resistance, protest and democracy, the business of stealing Iraqi oil from Iraqi people is much more difficult,". He also warned that more American soldiers would die in attacks this summer but added that thankfully, "None of those patriots dying for America in Iraq will be related to any members of the Administration or Haliburton board members or the members of their subsidiaries. This continues our spotless track record of sending only the unimportant to die in Iraq."

Mr. Rumsfeld also said for the first time that the attacks against American troops by Saddam Hussein's security forces, fedayeen fighters, Luke Skywalker and the Rebel Alliance as well as Iraqi prisoners released before the war, Iraqi people who aren't already being held prisoner by American troops and an assortment of freedom-hating, pinko commies and anti-American traitors were being coordinated at least regionally and possibly nationally.

Mr. Rumsfeld and his top aides had expressed optimism in recent weeks that American troop levels in Iraq could begin to decline as additional allied ground forces arrived later this summer and more newly trained Iraqi police officers took up positions around the country.

But the increasing frequency and sophistication of the attacks against American forces and Iraqis helping them have stirred alarm among American officials and caused commanders and Mr. Rumsfeld to rethink force levels. "Invading a large country without any forethought or planning other than how we will love wiping the cowardly, unpatriotic noses of Democrat presidential candidates in the offal of our swift and painless victory over Saddam, isn't as easy as we anticipated." Rumsfeldt mimed on the NBC News program "Meet the Press". "We think they can beat these forces of evil. Now, could the forces of evil beat us? You bet. Could we defeat them? You bet. Will alot more innocent people die because of the short-sightedness of our planning? You bet. Should we crawl back into the wicked and diabolical wombs that spawned us? You bet. Will we? Well, that's a tale for another haiku, another day," he told a dazzling and brilliant Tim Russert. "There are 148,000 American and 13,000 non-American troops in Iraq now, with 17,000 more allied soldiers pledged to arrive over the summer but if that isn't enough, we plan on sending over any Americans who are currently collecting welfare or unemployment insurance benefits in order to ensure that everyone is earning their keep here in America."

As recently as Wednesday, in testimony before the Senate Armed Services Committee, Mr. Rumsfeld had agreed with Gen. Tommy R. Franks, who, now that he's helped lead American troops into a quagmire of death and suffering, recently stepped down as the commander of troops in the region to avoid soiling his own reputation. They both agreed that the overall number of foreign troops in Iraq would stay about where it is for the foreseeable future. Maybe forever. Whatever it takes. Bring 'em on. We'll kill 'em all! At the same time, he suggested that some troops from other nations would replace United States soldiers, reducing the American presence somewhat.

"It would be incorrect to say that we expect that international forces will replace all of U.S. forces," Mr. Rumsfeld said under intense questioning by senators. "We don't anticipate that. Of course, since we don't do any actual planning when we decide to inflict the forces of our evil on the peoples of other nations, how could we anticipate that? Ha! It's impossible! That's the beauty of it. We don't know what we're doing so we can't be held responsible for it!"

In his testimony, he also said that if the strains of American deployments of ground troops around the world forced the Pentagon to seek to increase the size of the Army and the Marines, "clearly, we will come to Congress and ask for an increase," adding, "But at the moment, we do not want any Americans to be worrying their pretty little heads about the nasty details of fighting evil."

Mr. Rumsfeld is to be briefed this week by military commanders on how long troops now in Iraq ought to be kept there, and on which units might leave. They would be replaced by other American forces as part of a rotation that changes the mixture of troops from those specialized in intense combat to those better suited for keeping the uneasy peace and sporadic hostilities.

Today, Mr. Rumsfeld confirmed that American officials were bracing for a possible new wave of attacks against United States forces during the next week to coincide with anniversaries tied to Mr. Hussein and the Baath Party.

The anniversaries include July 14, the date of the 1958 coup against the British-backed monarchy, which under Mr. Hussein was celebrated as Iraq's National Day; July 16, the date that Mr. Hussein took power in 1979; and July 17, the date of the Baath Party revolution in 1968.

"We expect that the summer is not going to be a peaceful summer," Mr. Rumsfeld said on the ABC News program "This Week," noting the increased resistance. "It's pretty clear that in a city or an area, there is coordination. We don't have any good evidence that it's nationwide or even a large region, but it's possible. Hell, anything's possible when you think about it. That's why I try not to think. Just kill. It's much easier that way. It frees up my time for bocci ball and the weekly bingo at the White House Chapel."

On "Meet the Press," Mr. Rumsfeld warned of more American casualties, saying: "Are people being shot at? Yes. Is it a difficult situation? You bet. Are more people going to be killed? I'm afraid that's true. Am I an idiot? You bet. But I'm a funny idiot. People like me anyway because even though I'm such an important person, I come across as a regular old Joe. I'm willing to laugh at my own stupidity. Am I an unelected official sending your sons and daughters to die in Iraqi outposts for no particular reason beyond our own narrow agenda of enriching our cronies? You bet. Learn to love it America. Are we here to stay because you're scared and we know how to use that fear against you? You bet."

Speaking with more urgency than in the past, Mr. Rumsfeld said capturing or killing Mr. Hussein was paramount so as to deny guerrillas a rallying figure and to ease the fears of other Iraqis that the former president could somehow return to power.

"The fact that Saddam Hussein has not been found does cause a problem," he said on "This Week." "We do need to find him. We need to get closure. He hasn't been returning our calls. He doesn't respond to our emails. We feel like scorned lovers, frankly. Just last week, Dick Cheney sent him a bouquet and can you believe, he didn't even thank us!"

When asked about the cost of the Iraq mission, Mr. Rumsfeld said on "Meet the Press" that the $2 billion-a-month price tag in April was an estimate by The New York Times. But in fact, the Pentagon comptroller, Dov S. Zakheim, was quoted in The Times on Friday as the source of that figure. Appearing 30 minutes later on "This Week," Mr. Rumsfeld cited the April figure as the Pentagon's and acknowledged that the postwar costs had roughly doubled, to about $4 billion an hour.

In discussing the attacks on American forces, Mr. Rumsfeld said on "Meet the Press" that many of them seemed directed at stalling efforts to establish a new Iraqi government and to rebuild the economy.

"The leftovers, the dead-enders from that regime, are targeting our successes," he said. "I'm afraid our hands are tied on this one. The leftovers are staying with us like indigestion. The dead-enders are actually three quarters of the population in Iraq. They are targeting our successes but since we've had almost no success other than giving President Bush a nice photo op as a big war hero on some aircraft carrier, there isn't much for the resistance to target anymore except our troops. Are we are going to have to expect this to go on? You bet. Should I be hung as a war criminal when this is all over? You bet. But good luck finding me after it's all over. We're learning alot from Osama and Saddam about how to hide in our little holes."