Bring Them On

One of the things Americans should love most about their current President (and according to recent polls, they DO love him so, more than 60 percent are still infatuated with his manliness,) is what a brave leader he is.

Yesterday, in remarks aimed at scaring away the big, bad terrorists fighting the innocent victims dressed as loyal American troops imposing the will of the oiligarchy on the Iraqi peoples, President Bush was brave enough to tell those big, bad terrorists that he isn't scared of them. That's right! He isn't scared of Iraqi militants, so why should we be? Only cowards are afraid of Iraqi militants. Cowards and poor victims of tyranny.

"Bring Them On" Bush demands fiercely like a male cheerleader urging on fans at a Texas University football game. And he says it like he means it because daggumit, he does, this President Bush. He really isn't scared at all. He's a very brave man. Any mere mortal would be scared. But President Bush is no mere mortal. In a recent Gallup Poll, 55% of Americans now believe that President Bush is so brave and so tough, he could kick Jesus' ass, providing, of course, Jesus didn't use any of the sort of black magic trickery he used to turn all water into wine and that sort of stuff. This President Bush is one tough hombre. He'll tell those terrorists where to get off alright. He ain't scared! He even dares those mean ole terrorists to attack American troops! What courage!

Then again, why should President Bush be scared? He doesn't have to stand out in the middle of the streets of Baghdad with a big bull's eye on his military uniform waiting to have a grenade or a pipe bomb hurled at him or waiting to get picked off by a sniper. That's because not only is he brave, but President Bush is smart too! Why should he go over there and risk his life to back up his bold machismo when he's got all those intelligent American soldiers over there who are more than happy to act as target practice and die for President Bush's bold initiative that the borderline genius American public supports so strongly? Why should President Bush dirty his hands with the killing when he's got a well-trained mercenary force to do it for him in the name of Jesus and freedom and God Blessing America?!

You see, that's why George Bush is President. Not just because he's brave, oh no. American soldiers are brave too but they're not President. George Bush is President because he's brave and he's smart. He sends other peoples' sons and daughters and daddies and mothers over to Iraq to die like fish shot in a barrel instead of doing it himself. In fact, all those brave, patriotic Republicans in Congress are smart too because none of their sons or daughters are over in Iraq dying to save America either. But not many of those brave, patriotic Republicans are as brave as President Bush because they aren't challenging the Iraqi militants like President Bush, just coming right out there and telling those bullies he ain't scared!

I wonder how long President Bush would last if we dressed him up in a soldier's uniform, you know, like the fighter pilot costume he put on for the boys on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln when he told them that the mission was accomplished. You know, just let him put on a brave soldier's costume with USA and Jesus written all over it and let him stand out there on a street in say, NYC for a few hours. Don't give him any secret service protection or any military protection either because President Bush is brave and he's one tough hombre and he doesn't need protection because he can kick everyone's ass all by himself!

Actually, come to think of it, that's a little unfair. America is filled with courageous patriots, like Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz, to name a few. Let's dress them all up in brave American military uniforms and let them walk around the streets of America without any protection for a few hours and see what happens. They don't even have to go all the way to baaaaad Iraq and walk the streets. A few hours here in the Bronx or Watts should do the trick.

That's what I want to be when I grow up. A brave American president who tells those mean old Iraqi loyalists to "bring it on" because he's such a tough guy with other peoples' childrens lives. Either that or a corporate oil whore. Those seem to be the winning combinations on the mean streets of America.

"Bring Them On" reminds me of that scene in Monty Python's Holy Grail when the cart master goes through the streets calling "Bring Out Your Dead!". And those "coward" Iraqi militants remind me of the dead person debating with the cart master and the person trying to sell the dead body whether or not he's actually dead. He's not dead yet, but he's very ill. He'll be dead soon.

Yeah, and those Iraqis are going to welcome us with flowers, Mr. Cheney, right?

You just didn't guess the flowers would be attached to mortars, bombs and bullets...