vrijdag, juli 11, 2003

Everybody Wants To Be Saddam

Just hours after the United States announced a $25 million reward for the capture of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, thousands of Saddam Husseins surrendered to the American authorities in Baghdad, according to Andy Borowitz of MSNBC news.

U.S. officials admitted, according to Borowitz, that the mob of Saddam Hussein look-alikes presenting themselves to claim the reward was “an unexpected consequence” of announcing the $25 million bounty. Overwhelmed by the volume of surrendering Saddams, the United States was forced to set up a “temporary Saddam Hussein processing center” in a former government building, with a line of Saddams snaking around the block.

This sudden abundance of Saddam Husseins coming out of the closet has ABC discussing the possibility of a new reality tv show called "I'm Saddam Hussein -- Get Me Out of Here! wherein Saddam Hussein look-alikes, body doubles and inflatable dolls leave behind their pampered lives for weeks of roughing it in a remote outpost of the inhospitable Iranian desert. Based on the phenomenally successful American hit called "I'm A Celebrity -- Get Me Out of Here", the series will let American viewers on the other side of the globe vote to control the action via the phone and the internet. Each vote will launch a missile attack on an unsuspecting Iraqi village home of grandmothers and innocent children under the guise of having "intelligence" that the "real" Saddam is hiding out or dining there. Every tenth vote will launch a covert operation on an unsuspecting Iraqi village in the middle of the night while Imperialist Troops ransack family housing for "suspicious evidence" such as hidden terrorists or anti-imperialist guerillas.

The series will see how Saddam imposters fare without their accustomed luxuries, as they experience one of the world's toughest terrains. The Saddam look-alikes will live out in the open, sleeping on makeshift cots in primitive conditions and trading their gourmet meals for rice, beans and water. And all under the control of the viewing audience. In week one, they will be at the mercy of television viewers who single out a Saddam Hussein look-alike a night to undertake a dare — "The Bush's Evil Dictator Trial" — in order to win extra food for the rest of the group. In the final week, viewers vote to keep their favorite contestant in the camp; the one receiving the least number of votes each night is executed by American paramilitary forces. The lone, remaining Saddam look-alike at the end of the trial will emerge as the Head of the Iraqi Interim Administration and win a sizable sum of Iraqi dinars bearing their likeness.

ABC officials also noted that if enough Saddam look-alikes cannot be gathered or released from American custody in time for the taping of the show, they will consider a variation of the show called "I'm Wanted Dead Or Alive By The Bush Administration But Those Bumbling Intelligence Imbeciles Couldn't Find Their Ass With Their Own Hands" which would involve Osama bin-Laden, the "real" Saddam Hussein, the rest of the uncaptured "key officials" in al-Qaeda and the remaining uncaptured members of the infamous "Most Wanted" deck of cards, vying for prizes like vats of enriched uranium, mobile biological weapons production facilities, and their very own Scott Peterson life-sized posters.

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