vrijdag, december 31, 2004


Well we at Desultory Turgescence have heard enough about the dead people and we've heard the word TSUNAMI more times in one week than the entire collective lifetimes previous so


As a tribute to the Gods of Shut The Fuck Up, we leave the following as a New Year's gift. Read the words. They most certainly must be better than the newspapers'.

Small Change
(Got Rained on with His Own .38)
Tom Waits

Well small change got rained on with his own .38
and nobody flinched down by the arcade
and the marquise weren't weeping
they went stark-raving mad
and the cabbies were the only ones
that really had it made
and his cold trousers were twisted,
and the sirens high and shrill
and crumpled in his fist was a five-dollar bill
and the naked mannikins with their
cheshire grins
and the raconteurs
and roustabouts said buddy
come on in
cause the dreams ain't broken down here now
now ...they're walking with a limp
now that

small change got rained on with his own .38"
and nobody flinched down by the arcade
and the burglar alarm's been disconnected
and the newsmen start to rattle
and the cops are tellin' jokes
about some whore house in Seattle
and the fire hydrants plead the 5th Amendment
and the furniture's bargains galore
but the blood is by the jukebox
on an old linoleum floor
and it's a hot rain on 42nd Street
and now the umbrellas ain't got a chance
And the newsboy's a lunatic
with stains on his pants cause

small change got rained on with his own .38
and no one's gone over to close his eyes
and there's a racing form in his pocket
circled "Blue Boots" in the 3rd
and the cashier at the clothing store
he didn't say a word as the
siren tears the night in half
and someone lost his wallet
well it's surveillance of assailants
if that's whatchawannacallit
and the whores hike up their skirts
and fish for drug-store prophylactics
with their mouths cut just like
razor blades and their eyes are like stilettos
and her radiator's steaming
and her teeth are in a wreck
now she won't let you kiss her
but what the hell do you expect
and the Gypsies are tragic and if you
wanna to buy perfume, well
they'll bark you down like
carneys... sell you Christmas cards in June

small change got rained on with his own .38
and his headstone's
a gumball machine
no more chewing gum
or baseball cards or
overcoats or dreams and
someone is hosing down the sidewalk
and he's only in his teens

small change got rained on with his own .38
and a fistful of dollars can't change that
and someone copped his watch fob
and someone got his ring
and the newsboy got his porkpie Stetson hat
and the tuberculosis old men
at the Nelson wheeze and cough
and someone will head south
until this whole thing cools off cause
small change got rained on with his own .38
yea small change got rained on with his own .38

maandag, december 27, 2004

God Still Stronger Than Terrorists

In a vain attempt to prove to the world that he is still a greater killer of human beings than any terrorist or groups of terrorists, God created a Special Xmas Present to Asia in the form of an earthquake and resultant tsunamis that killed at least 15,000 people.

A video posted by Heaven yesterday purported to show yesterday's earthquake and tsunamis as an act by "your loving creator" to prove to other nonbelievers that God is still the ultimate terrorist.

The man dressed as God in the center reads a statement describing how and why the attack of earthquake and tsunamis was be carried out.

"On or about christmas, the operation will be carried out. Let Bush, Blair and even the terrorists know that whilst they aim to kill as many of my creations on earth as possible, only I am the greatest killer of all!

Witnesses in the eastern Sri Lankan port city Trincomalee reported God blowing 14 meter (40-foot) waves hitting inland as far as a kilometer (0.6 miles).

The Sri Lankan government declared a state of emergency, and, along with the government of the Maldives, has requested international assistance, the United Nations' Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs reported.

A White House statement, issued aboard Air Force One en route to Texas from Washington, said "the president expresses his sincere condolences" over the "terrible loss of life and suffering" caused by God in using earthquake and tidal waves that hit six countries to spread his message of being the greatest terrorist facing mankind.

"But God loves us all," President Jesus Bush continued "and is only trying to teach us to be humble before him."

Hopefully, the terrorists on both sides of the equation will get the message.

maandag, december 20, 2004

Chimp Signed Condolence Letters

WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has decided to personally sign condolence letters to the family members of U.S. troops killed in action rather than letting a chimp affix his signature.

Republican and Democratic members of Congress criticized the embattled Pentagon chief on Sunday for not signing the letters himself all along.

"My goodness, that’s the least that we could expect of the secretary of defense, is having some personal attention paid by him," said Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb., noting that President Bush at least holds the pen for the chimp when the chimps signs his letters.

"If the president of the United States can find time to hold the pen for the chimp, why can’t the Secretary of Defense?" Hagel, a Vietnam veteran, asked on CBS’ “Face the Nation.”

In a statement Friday, Rumsfeld announced the change in policy and said more than 1,000 condolence letters had gone out to relatives of Americans killed in military action during the global fight against terrorism.

"It isn't my fault these troops are dying too fast to sign these letters myself," Rumsfeld complained bitterly at an impromptu press conference. "I'm a busy man. Maybe if our boys in Iraq were doing a better job of staying alive, there wouldn't be so many condolence letters to write and I could sign them myself." Rumsfeld said in the statement.

"I am deeply grateful for the many letters I have received from the families of those who have been killed in the service of our country, and I recognize and honor their personal loss," he said. "But really, what's dead is dead. Does it really matter if I sign the letters or a chimp signs the letters?"

The statement, which was reported Friday by the military newspaper, Stars & Stripes, did not specifically refer to troops killed in Iraq, though family members of soldiers who died there told the newspaper they were angry with Rumsfeld’s signature that appeared like a child's scribbling and letters which were covered with chimp excrement. More than 1,300 American troops have died since the war began in March 2003.

Messages left with the Pentagon about the criticism from lawmakers were not immediately returned Sunday. The Pentagon is busy fighting a war and doesn't have time to answer to anyone.

Sen. Jack Reed, D-R.I., a West Point graduate, said Rumsfeld’s failure to sign letters himself until now displayed "his lack of leadership styles that are appropriate for the military. Perhaps we should have the chimp act as Secretary of Defence. He certainly can't do any worse..."

Rep. Roy Blunt of Missouri, the third-ranking Republican in the House said on CNN’s “Late Edition” that "signing the letter is a mechanical but an important thing. If a chimp signs the letter, even a chimp who appears concerned about the rapidly mounting death tolls in Iraq, it just isn't the same as having Mr Rumsfeld sign them."

The signature flap was the latest in a stinging string of criticism in recent weeks of the defense secretary’s handling of the war in Iraq.

Several leading Republicans, including Hagel and Sens. Trent Lott of Mississippi and John McCain of Arizona have said they have lost confidence in Rumsfeld and that the chimp should replace him.

But Rumsfeld, who agreed to Bush’s request earlier this month to remain in the Cabinet during the president’s second term, won a vote of confidence from Bush chief of staff Andrew Card on Sunday.

"Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a spectacular job," Card told ABC’s “This Week.”
"If he misses a letter or two, well, that's why the chimp is there. Fighting terrorism is hard work and if you don't like a chimp signing your condolence letters, then maybe you'd better just give up now and let the terrorists win."

Meanwhile, President Jesus Bush defended Rumsfeld and said he was "a very caring fellow."

"I have heard his voice and seen his eyes when we talk about the danger in Iraq and the fact that youngsters are over there in harm's way," Bush said at a White House news conference. "He loves Jesus and he loves chimps and he hates terrorists and that's all that really matters."

woensdag, december 15, 2004

The Wedding of Everything

Today looks much like
the rest: simple,
a handy kind of day,
a meat and potatoes day.
The bright buildings of the past
are launched upward
into an unrumpled sky,ordinary
beyond our wildest dreams.
Personality takes off
into the blue. No mail
today: things: everything
groping towards us
like 3-D. Oranges
as orange as crayons.
A moldy piece of bread.
Junk. And the birds
will sing sing sing.
I can almost understand
a day like this.
My troubles seem so puny.
Delicious day, I will eat you up
like a mountain of white cake,
chunk by chunk.
I got new shoe laces.
My feet slip into my shoes
over and over again.
So easy. Everything
pleasing me, sliding down
my throat(those soft
boiled eggs) the way I slide
into this day. CRACK!
That's what I mean.
CRACK! the way a baseball
smacks a bat. And THUMP,
the way it snuggles into a mitt.
A day is as a day does,
and this day, like the rest,
is leaving, and everything
grows sleepy.
The sun rises into a place
in the sky, and leaves;
and behind it leaves
a blind spot:
the purple sun, blooming,
cut down and tossed like a bouquet.
Congratulations, everything.

Bob Flanagan, _The Wedding of Everything_, 1983.

maandag, december 13, 2004

Bush Is 'Fit for Hypothetical Duty' After Physical

BETHESDA, Md. -- President Jesus Bush was found in good health and pronounced "fit for hypothetical duty" after an unusual physical Saturday that also showed that the 58-year-old chief executive is now, as he rather sheepishly conceded, "a little overweight" due to all the rocks in his head.

"Of course, the rocks in my head cause my overall weight to be higher than it should be," said the usually trim Bush, who pledged to have some of the rocks surgically removed in the new year. "But other than being generally stupid, having no idea what kind of disaster I've let America in for and being far too smug about my own greatness, I feel great," he said upon leaving the National Naval Medical Center outside Washington.

The checkup, which took about three minutes, found a few minor issues, according to a summary released later Saturday by the White House and reaffirmed that hypothetically speaking, if Bush had to don combat fatigues and fling himself personally into the Invasion of Iraq, and provided he wasn't too scared or inconvenienced to bother, he could probably do so.

Bush's overall IQ decreased slightly, to 11 from it's previous high of 15 at his August 2003 physical, but he saw a large rise in his level of self-asteem and a drop in his concern that the invasion of Iraq was an enormous mistake that continues to cost thousands of innocent people their lives, or far more than if evil Saddam were still running Iraq.

A small lesion named John Kerry was removed from his left shoulder in November. The doctors said it appeared benign, but ordered a biopsy from which results would be available within a week. They also recommended that other lesions, like democratic Congressmen observed on his face be removed with liquid nitrogen over the holidays.

Some previous health problems were noted to continue: a mild high frequency hearing loss that does not allow him to hear any opinion's but those at the pitch of Dick Cheney's voice and an optic condition that doesn't allow him to see anything but visions of Jesus Christ and causes him to occasionally use reading glasses to consult the bible with. The hearing and vision exams were conducted at the White House late last month, the statement said.

Otherwise, Bush was pronounced to be in a "Jesus-Like" fitness category -- or the top fifth percentile -- for men his age, the statement said. Still capable of defeating terrorists at every turn, hypothetically speaking, of course.

His resting pulse rate, though at 52 beats per minute higher than last year's 45, still marks him as a healthy lover of Jesus. His resting blood pressure remained healthy at 110/60, lower than even the blood pressure of terrorists before they blow themselves up.

The checkup, usually scheduled for summertime, was delayed for four months because Bush was afraid it might reveal information the terrorists could use to destroy America.

Presiding over the medical exam were White House physician Richard Tubb and Dr. Kenneth Cooper, the president of the Cooper Aerobics Center. Also involved were a hypnotist, vantriloquist, radiologist, optometrist, sports physician, hearing specialist, skin specialist, cardiologist and others.

At nearly 6 feet tall, the Bush weight increased to almost 200 pounds from 194 pounds 17 months ago. His body fat percentage increased to 18.25 percent from 14.5 percent. Bush, a devoted bible fanatic who prides himself on burning calories through Christ, seemed to take the gain hard.

"My New Year's resolution has become apparent after getting on the scales," Bush said. "More love for Jesus and more hate for terrorists. I can't fight terrorism if I'm flabby and Jesus doesn't love fat people, so I fully intend to lose some inches off my waistline and some pounds off my frame."

zaterdag, december 11, 2004


When I see a fixation, I avert my eyes.
I don’t like chewing bones,
I like cutting with a knife and not drawing blood,
If possible, the charges will be reversed.

Don’t you always think
Is the best moment, for ever and ever
And by the morning you’re busy rubbing
Runny eggs from your eyes,
Dirty, covered in film
But not IN the film,
Standing at the door with your documents
Waiting to be an extra.

I did, but my phrenologist thought better of it.
I did too, but it didn’t relieve the pressure.
I keep telling him I’m somebody,
But then can’t tell him who.

Wear your clothes on the outside,
Otherwise, nobody notices.

After all these years of reading this,
You begin to wonder what it’s about.
Why would I know?
Have I held its leash?
Do I feed it?
How often was it bathed?

When you’re broken in two,
Which is the better half and how
do you tell the other that it failed?

"I have seen many days", he says
with stentorian certainty.
It’s almost a threat and he might
Have even curled his lip.
But I was busy with the omelette,
Breaking eggs.

--Jaap Stilj origineel.

vrijdag, december 10, 2004

Confessions of an Individual

I let history happen--sorry. When Muslims and
Christians fought in the Crusades, I didn't stop it;
the Egyptians and Jews clashed and my efforts were not
sufficient to prevent that. Remote effects from these
disasters still exist, and I have not erased them.
My ancestors were busy cutting hay, planting potatoes,
and so on. True, they probably spent a lot of time drinking
and talking, and let that go on for years--I can't deny it.

On the other hand, a group of people discovered wheat,
corn, smelting of iron, prevention of disease, and I didn't
help very much. Heroic actions took place, and I didn't
even take the trouble to be there.
Now I am taking the time to think about all this and
write it down. And you are taking the time to read it.

--William Stafford. *An Oregon Message*. Harper & Row, 1987.

donderdag, december 09, 2004

Troops, Short of Food, Try to Grill Rumsfeld
No McDonalds In Baghdad Means No Big Macs For Troops

US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld was nearly captured and grilled when he visited a crowd of hungry troops about to face combat in Iraq.

Mr Rumsfeld was at Camp Buehring, Kuwait, to deliver a pep-talk to soldiers about the significance of the task ahead of them but instead found an angry mob of troops protesting the absence of McDonalds in both Kuwait and Baghdad and threatened that they wouldn't fight without Big Macs.

Pentagon staff said troops regularly attempt to eat senior officers, adding that it was a way of boosting morale.

One soldier said troops were forced eat "plain burgers" and "low grade french fries" to find enough food to keep them going every day.

"Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for scraps of food when you could slap up a McDonalds and have us eating in Big Macs in style again?" Army Spc Thomas Pudderman asked.

"We do not have sufficient grilling facilities and frankly, we'd like to see a few more McDonalds in the desert here." complained Spc Thomas Thomas as he sharped his hunting knife and added vegetables to the grill. "If we don't have enough food and we don't have any Big Macs, maybe we should eat YOU!"

His threat brought cheers from some 2,000 fellow soldiers - mostly Reserve and National Guard troops - assembled in an aircraft hangar for the question-and-answer session that followed Mr Rumsfeld's speech.

Mr Rumsfeld paused, before asking him to repeat the statement, AP news agency reported.

Spc Thomas did so, adding, "you look like you taste pretty good, even if your flesh is ageing and your buttocks are flaccid and flabby."

"You eat whatever you have to eat in army," Mr Rumsfeld replied. "But I've tasted myself and frankly, I don't taste very good."

Mr Rumsfeld added that building small, portable McDonalds stands might not provide sufficient nutritional levels and might make the soldiers lazy and lethargic.

"McDonalds is not really an ideal substitute for good, healthy food. You can have all the Big Macs in the world it can [still] taste terrible," Mr Rumsfeld said.

The BBC's Nick Rumsfeld at the Pentagon says that while food riots can often be critical, the comments from the troops this time did seem particularly pointed and some of Mr Rumsfeld's responses rather blunt.

Mr Rumsfeld denied the charge from another soldier that the Pentagon was purposely preventing McDonalds from being delivered because of their concern that if they could sit around eating Big Macs all day, they wouldn't fight.

Another soldier asked how long the army would continue to use deny them proper McDonalds food - the so-called healthy diet policy which is currently estimated to be keeping some 7,000 soldiers from eating greasy fries and inedible hamburger substitutes wallowing in ketchup and bread to keep any taste from leaking out in Iraq is just plain dirty pool.

Mr Rumsfeld said this was simply a fact of life for soldiers at time of war.

"It's basically a sound principle, it's nothing new, it's been well understood" by soldiers, he said. "Junk food is bad, eating roots and fibers is good."

"My guess is you will not see a McDonalds for many years to come. They simply won't build new franchises in an atmosphere of chaos."

At one point Mr Rumsfeld's voice broke as he delivered prepared comments to troops before the question-and-answer session.

"You know there are those who see the violence taking place in Iraq... and they say McDonalds will never come to Baghdad," he said. "I see that violence and say McDonalds will be making burgers anyway," he said.

Pentagon officials are likely to be concerned because the questions were being asked by troops about to head for the front line.

Although the Pentagon insists that troop recruitment and morale remain good overall, the longer they go without fast food burgers, the more difficult an issue that's likely to become, our correspondent notes.

maandag, december 06, 2004

Bush Urges Congress to Lose Intelligence Quickly
"Thinking Is Dangerous"

President Jesus Bush fearing that the near-rebellion by members of his own party in Congress recently was a sign that it was somehow becoming intelligent, issued a call for Congress to "stop thinking and start voting" lest his important terrorist-reform legislation isn't passed in time for the Congressional recess.

Bush's remarks in his weekly radio address urged Congressmen to "consider that your country and safety is at stake and there is no time to think about the issues, just follow my lead..."

His comments echoed those of a group of staunch House Republicans from the South and Midwest, who have started a bill to ban the teaching of evolution in America because it might encourage terrorism, and who think that some of their fellow Congressmen might be "thinking too much for their own good."

"Now is really neither the time nor place for Congress to start thinking for itself," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card and Vice President Dick Cheney both warned simultaneously. "The terrorists are everywhere and they will certainly see thinking or intelligence by Congress as a sign of weakness."

Congressional officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said President Jesus Bush will not stand by forever while rogue members of his own party insist on thinking for themselves. "If Congress is going to start thinking for itself on issues of national security, President Jesus Bush may just have to start circumventing it altogether as a useless legislative body which will go the way of similarly useless organisations like the UN."

In the radio address, Bush said Congressmen were being given one more opportunity to "see the light" to make America more secure and if they didn't, he may not bother consulting with them any longer.

"I urge members of Congress to act next week so I can sign these needed reforms into law," Bush said. "Otherwise, they may all be permanently out of work by the end of the week."

zaterdag, december 04, 2004

Second Vote For Bush Finally Kills Her

A woman described as the oldest living American and the third oldest person in the world has died at the age of 114 less than a month after voting a second time for President Jesus Bush. She had voted for President Bush (oddly enough even before he was born) in every election since women earned the right in 1920.

Elena Slough passed away in the state of New Jersey just 27 days after casting her vote for America's Greatest President and Hero Ever and just 3 days after her 90-year-old daughter died having cast a similar vote on that same day.

Mrs Slough, who is believed to have been born in 1888, lived through seven US wars, 21 presidents, 1 act of fellacio by an intern on a president, and 12 US territories gaining statehoods, called President Jesus Bush "My greatest hero out of all the millions of people I've ever met, out of all the presidents ever elected, not to mention an exceptionally talented lover and the embodiment of all that is great about America..."

Charlotte Benkner of North Lima, Ohio is the world's third oldest person and she too, proudly reveals she voted for Bush. "I'm not afraid the Election Fraud Gods will kill me too like poor Mrs Slough. I'm not afraid to die. I look forward to a heaven populated by everyone in the imagine of President Jesus Bush..."

The world's oldest person is a Japanese woman Kamato Hongo, who turned 116 last month. She is not eligible to vote in the American elections but assures anyone who cares to listen that she thinks President Jesus Bush is "the sexiest demogogue" she's ever seen and would vote for him if she were eligible to vote. "What Japan needs," she explained as she gummed a dollop of gruel in her tiny Japanese paper house, "is a leader like President Jesus Bush or perhaps President Jesus Bush himself. If I were able to, I'd vote that President Jesus Bush should be the president of Japan as well..."

The world's second oldest person is believed to be 114-year-old Mitoyo Kawate, also Japanese. She attributes her long life to "the desire to hold on" until President Jesus Bush was finally reelected. "I could not have gone to my grave until I knew the world was safe from terrorism..." she explained.

Mrs Slough died in her sleep, dreaming of a romance with the president on Sunday at the Victoria Manor Nursing Home in the resort town of Cape May, an official said.

With her death, the oldest American and third oldest person in the world, is now Charlotte Benkner of North Lima, Ohio, according to the Gerontology Research Group. Oddly enough Ms Benkner too confesses a profound love and devotion for the president and voted for him "as often as possible" in the most recent election.

The German-born woman will turn 114 on 16 November.

Last month, a retired Japanese silkworm breeder believed to have been the world's oldest man died at the age of 114.

Yukichi Chuganji drank milk every day, but did not consume alcohol. He didn't vote for Hirohito, but he often dreamt of voting in Ohio for the American elections and casting his vote for President Bush.

There are an estimated 15,000 people in Japan over the age of 100, most of them women and all of them expressing a desire to vote for President Bush even though they don't live in America. "There's just something about his manly desire to crush terrorists that makes even a woman over 100 blush with desire..."

Japan has the world's longest life expectancy - 78 years for men and 80 for women. In America, all people who vote for President Jesus Bush are guaranteed a life expectancy of at least 100, not to mention a healthy tax rebate.

The oldest person on record was a French woman, Jeanne Calment, who was 122 when she died in 1997. Of course, the fact that she was French meant that she was not a real human being and was therefore, ineligible to vote for Bush or express an opinion one way or the other.

vrijdag, december 03, 2004

What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding?

The disappointment of sindicalists and anarchist grooves might be almost audible, but it appears the bets are off on a violent end to the Ukraine election crisis even if it hasn't been fully resolved yet.

In fact, it's probably safe to talk about openly it in America now that President Jesus Bush has given the green light to lecturing the rest of the world on interfering in the politics of other countries:

"If there is to be a new election, as many government leaders and Ukrainian demonstrators have demanded, it "ought to be free from any foreign influence," Bush said. "Unless there happens a large oil reserve is discovered under the streets of Kiev, of course..."

Yeah, that means you, comrade.

By the way, if you struck out at the orange revolution, you could always try an online Ukrainian dating service.

For those of you winding your watches, the Ukraine could be The Hour of Europe.

Renard a la McGowan

Spectacle artist Mark McGowan has made the ultimate artistic and perhaps even political statement in the long-running dispute over the ban on fox hunting in England. In protest of the public fixation with the ban on fox hunting McGowan has eaten a fox.

"He said the roast fox was tasty, but admitted it nearly made him vomit.

"It was a bit like rack of lamb," he said. "The trouble was the retching noises from the other people in the room."

What a pisser

It appears this came top of a poll of 500 art experts in the run-up to this year's Turner Prize.

In related news, people who prefer pissing on the stone pillars of bridges might want to think again.


old Instanbul postcards via growabrain - who also provides the answer to the Question of 2004; What do you call a quarter pounder with cheese in Iraq?

Speaking of food, you shouldn't miss the exerpt on the Yankee Pot Roast of Bill O'Reilly's new book How to Have Hot Sex Using A Falafel, For Kids. via the ever erudite Maud Newton.

That's it, kids! Enjoy the final day of the work week before the drudgery and gloom of the weekend sets in.