woensdag, juli 16, 2003

God Responds To Pat Robertson

Pat Robinson is on a prayer offensive. As part of the offensive, he wrote letter to his fellow Americans asking them to join him and many others in crying out to our Lord to change the Supreme Court. (via Maud Newton)

After hacking into God's PC, Desultory Turgescence was able to get ahold of this letter he has penned to Pat Robertson in response:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I am receipt of a copy of your letter to your fellow American people dated July 15, 2003, wherein you ask everyone to join you in crying out to me to change the Supreme Court by retiring the judges you don’t like and appointing some conservative judges.

Needless to say, I’m more than a little annoyed that smack in the middle of my summer holiday, you’re encouraging your followers to “cry out” to me in a “prayer offensive.” What kind of idiot are you? How am I supposed to relax and enjoy my holiday when you and all your zealot friends are yelling and screaming at me all day long? Should I just put everything on hold for you Pat? Shall I just shut off the hi-fi, tell Billie Holiday to get dressed and send the masseuse packing just because you and your lunatic fringe of prayer-abusers are mewling for attention?

Just an F.Y.I. for future reference, Pat: When I’m on holiday, I don’t want a bunch of rabid hypocrites screeching their deafening, inharmonious combination of indignation and self-righteousness simultaneously in my ear. I’m on holiday to relax, not to play manservant to you and your minions! Are we clear on this one or shall I drum up a little “attention” for you in order to reinforce the idea? You remember what happened with Jimmy Swaggert when he started getting on my nerves, don’t you?

Now, since my intention is to get back to my holiday toute suite and without further interruption, I’ll briefly address your issues with the Supreme Court and after that Pat, listen, go back home and shut the hell up for a while, will you? I gave you that stupid broadcast network, what more do you want? More blood? More crucifixions? C’mon. You’ve got that nice bloodbath in Iraq to enjoy. Stop pestering me after this or I’ll pull your arms and legs off or something like that.

Regarding the Supreme Court and making those little judges you don't like retire, the answer is: No.

Why not, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you why not. I’m not sure what you little monkies are up to down there, but I am not going to end up like Captain Kirk rhetorically whining "My God, Bones... what have I done?" while witnessing the destruction of the Enterprise in Star Trek III, simply to appease you and your flunkies.

I’m not going to start fiddling with peoples’ retirements and pensions, I don’t care if they burn me in effigy down there! Do you know what a headache it is calculating all those early retirement benefits? I’ve gotta figure out my future tax obligations on the basis of actuarial projections of the revenue, I’ve got to inspect the plan’s bond and equity holdings. It’s a big pain in the arse and I just don't feel like dealing with it. So that’s reason number one.

Secondly, I don’t mind that “they” ruled the bible out of public schools. I want the bible in churches, that’s why I told you to build all those churches to begin with. You need a place to store all the bibles and keeping them in schools ain't the answer. Do you see what goes on in those schools? Gangs, rapes, guns, graffiti! Just imagine! If you just give them out to people and let them walk around all over the place with bibles, the next thing you know, they're getting beer stains on them, cigarette burns, spilling cans of beans all over them, tearing pages out of the bible and using them to roll joints with it... it isn’t so appealing, you know what I mean? And I don’t want anyone praying in schools, either. I’ve already got to listen to everyone’s pissing and moaning in churches and frankly, pretty much everywhere else. I used to be able to sneak off to the Lordly bathroom stalls once in awhile for a quick smoke but lately, with all this praying and begging ringing in my ears like it has been, I can't think straight anymore. So keep prayer out of school. If I don't get a break somewhere, I swear, Pat. I'm gonna snap.

And lastly, I know you guys down there have all got your panties in a bunch because the Supreme Court declared a constitutional right to consensual sodomy, but the truth is, I don’t know what you're getting so worked up for about consensual sodomy.

Nonconsensual sodomy is far worse, Mr. Robertson. If you don’t believe me, in no time at all, I can always blink eyes or twitch my nose or something and have you face down in a state penitentiary cell with your new cellmate Rufus to keep you company, if you want.

When you’ve been all-knowing and all-seeing, etc., for as long as I have, you get to see pretty much everything and believe me, this consensual sodomy thing is peanuts compared to some of the other things you guys are busy doing down there. Whew. When I was first sitting around thinking of creating all of you, I tried to come up with all the possible sick things you people might be capable of but wow, you guys have really taken it to another level!

So anyway, Pat. There’s your answer. Now shut up and find something useful to do with your time. And so help me, if you ever start up another prayer offensive, I’ll have your head on a pike.


PS: Jesus says ditto for him. He doesn’t want you bothering him any more either. He says he’ll get a restraining order if he has to.

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