donderdag, februari 24, 2005

Bush Says Slovakians Are Earth's First Non-American Free People

BRATISLAVA, Slovakia (CNN) -- U.S. President Jesus Bush has hailed Slovaks as "Earth's First Non-American Free People" in history and should be worshipped throughout Europe as a shining example of the good of good and the evil of evil and even thanked the country for overcoming their long list of shortcomings as well as their former apathy about Jesus Christ and for deploying non-combat troops to Iraq who will help Iraqi people who aren't terrorists to "drink from the well of love and democracy for ever and ever, amen."

In a speech Thursday in Bratislava, Bush saluted the former Soviet bloc nation for cowering behind the United States and urged them not to lift an arm to help the evil Chinese pay for billions of dollars of Taiwan-killing weapons systems. "You are showing that even a small nation built on drunks and outdated, dying factories can spread democracy like peanut butter throughout the world," he said.

"The road to liberty and prosperity should be paved with the skulls of the heathens who do not believe in Jesus Christ and Americans respect your courage and determination to build a better future for us, even at your own peril," Bush added.

"As you work to build a puppet society of American-lovers and Jesus freaks, America stands with you."

CNN's Jill Dougherty said Bratislava -- which played a major role in the 1989 Velvet Revolution that resulted in the peaceful relinquishing of Communist control of Czechoslovakia -- "was a classic setting for Bush to convey his message: that Jesus Loves Lou Reed around Jesus is unstoppable."

Bush Seeks Shaky Solution To Iran
US President Hopeful Jesus Will Give More Earthquakes To Iranians And Kill Them All

BRATISLAVA - US President Jesus Bush said Thursday he was hopeful that Jesus Christ would continue causing earthquakes in Iran until every last nuclear weapon in Tehran is destroyed. He prefers a single quake with like, double digit Richter Scale readings that would render the whole of Iran into a pile of rotting corpses and rubble but will settle for European cooperation on making the Iranians give up their weapons and praise Jesus.

His comments to reporters after meeting with Slovakian Prime Minister Mikulas Dzurinda were his strongest endorsement yet of using the sham of European Union talks with Iran to lull Tehran into a false sense of security before Jesus makes more earthquakes to kill them.

"Hopefully Jesus has some more earthquakes planned," Bush told Dzurinda, rubbing his paws together and displaying his famous lopsided grin of an idiot.

Bush said that the United States and Europe were "on the same page on this issue" as the leaders of Britain, France and Germany, who are all praying for more earthquakes in Iran and have "all said loud and clear that the Iranians should not have any nuclear weapons and they should suffer from alot more earthquakes to keep them busy."

"We have a common objective - to convince the ayatollahs Jesus loves earthquakes and hates nuclear weapons in Iran," Bush said.


Lastly, the burning question of the day following Hunter S Thompson's suicide is whether or not a certain cartoonist should Kill Uncle Duke as well.


More from Tom Waits just around the corner and thanks to the Whole Wide World of Fat Buddha for passing on a great link of Tom Waits bootlegs for a morning of listening pleasure.

dinsdag, februari 22, 2005


Gonzo Godfather Kills Himself

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light

--dylan thomas


Auden: After the Funeral

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone
Silence the pianos and with a muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves

He was my North, my South, my East and West
My workingweek and my Sundayrest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good


zondag, februari 20, 2005

The Bushes Are Coming! The Bushes Are Coming!

President Jesus Bush and his psychotic zombie librarian-for-life wife, Laura arrived in Brussels today at the start of a five-day love and destruction tour in Europe which will also take him to Germany and Slovakia and allow him to sniff the flowers of the New Europe whilst giving the Old Europe one last chance to redeem themselves and get on their knees like good subjects.

It is believed that whilst in Europe, Bush will laud obedient nations and extol the values of America which overshadow the liberal, terrorist-loving values of Europe. Simultaneously, he will attempt to strike a co-operative note and setting out a common agenda wherein other nations, like France and Germany, will agree to agree with America regardless of how hairbrained or dangerous the idea.

As Mr Bush embarks on four days of dogma and diplomacy intended to draw a line under obedient nations and the loving harmony of peace they've constructed in the New Democratic Iraq, the US president will emphasise his eagerness to use military power at the slightest provocation in order to achieve Middle East submission, disarm Iran and alleviate poverty and disease all in the same breath as one by one the Mighty Bush Administration sends all tyrannies and unfairness in general, tumbling over one by one like a line of dominos.

But while both European and US governments are eager to see a new outbreak of cordiality when Mr Bush meets Nato and EU leaders in Brussels over the coming two days, the chances of it actually happening outside the guise of playful media pandering and unadulterated lies promises to hinder the discussion. The only discussion that is important is terror. Jesus Bush intends to reinforce the understanding that God doesn't like terrorists and terrorists don't like God and somewhere along the line, something's got to give.

The first barometer of the US and Europe’s ability to forge a common approach to an shared problem will come on Monday evening, when Mr Bush discusses Syria with French president Jacques Chirac.

"I expect Mssr Chirac will be as eager to punish and crush Syria as I am," Mr Bush noted aboard Air Commander One to a group of groupy journalists hanging on every morsel of wit and wisdom that dripped from President Bush's mouth like liquid candy. "God is Great and terrible little tyrannies like Iran and Syria will have to be destroyed until they too are nothing but a barren land of civil war, destruction and human misery. It is what the Middle East deserves because we Americans love the Middle East so much and wish to embrace it with a bear hug of suffocating love, American Jesus style."

In addition to informing Europe how to fix itself so it looks with more reverence towards America and strives even harder to imitate it, Bush also will see the very merry Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has alarmed the West with Moscow's retreat from democracy and reminded us all how demoralising their winters are.

Brussels police, having the most fun and excitement they've had since clubbing and water-hosing German and English supporters during Euro2000, readied 2,500 officers - 1,000 more than the usual number for the three or four summit meetings that bring European Union leaders to the Belgian capital every year.

"Freedom and Democracy don't come cheap," Brussels police chief Gert Lablanche explained to reporters as his patrolmen readied their riot gear and practiced gassing innocent bystanders. "Sometimes, when people don't know what's best for them it has to be beaten into them, like a square block in a round peg."

In a speech Monday, Bush intended to express hopes for closer ties for Europe with Jesus so that they can forge a trans-Atlantic bond of happiness and Christianity. Courting France, the president has a private dinner with Chirac during which time, the president's secret service will attempt to poison Chirac if he does not learn to frog march properly.

On Tuesday, Bush is attending NATO and EU meetings to give rousing speeches in broken English. Wednesday finds the president in Mainz, Germany, for a meeting with Schroeder where they will discuss Christ's Role In German Elections. The trip ends Thursday with talks with Putin in Slovakia where they will plot how many different ways civilians can be bombed into submission.

woensdag, februari 16, 2005

The Death of Marilyn Monroe

The ambulance men touched her cold
body, lifted it, heavy as iron,
onto the stretcher, tried to close the
mouth, closed the eyes, tied the
arms to the sides, moved a caught
strand of hair, as if it mattered,
saw the shape of her breasts, flattened by
gravity, under the sheet
carried her, as if it were she,
down the steps.

These men were never the same. They went out
afterwards, as they always did,
for a drink or two, but they could not meet
each other's eyes.

Their lives took
a turn--one had nightmares, strange
pains, impotence, depression. One did not
like his work, his wife looked
different, his kids. Even death
seemed different to him--a place where she
would be waiting,

and one found himself standing at night
in the doorway to a room of sleep, listening to a
woman breathing, just an ordinary

by Sharon Olds

dinsdag, februari 08, 2005

Historic Day For Addictions and Agreements
Middle East and Babyshambles Star Will All Go To Rehab And Live Happily Ever After

On the same day that Israel and the Palestinians announced a deal to end more than four years of bloody intifada, which has claimed over 4,500 lives, former Libertines heroin and crack addict rock star and current Babyshambles front man, Pete Doherty, has announced a deal to move to St Petersburgh, Russia in order to kick his heroin habit.

Doherty plans to move to St Petersburg, Russia with his girlfriend, Kate Moss, the World's Best Dressed Woman for six months after completing his latest rehab programme.

Joining Doherty and Miss Moss in Russia will be the The Middle East who, after years of ongoing battles with their own addiction to killing and wasting humanity, have announced that they too will move to St Petersburgh once their own rebab/ceasefire has been completed.

The ceasefire, which would involve Israel's Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian President Mahmud Abbas meeting in the Red Sea resort of Sharm al-Shaikh before moving on to the streets of St Petersburgh, has everyone excited, even President Jesus "Peace" Bush, who yesterday announced he was so excited that he would meet with Abbas and Sharon once they've agreed to stop killing each other officially.

Meanwhile, Babyshambles front man Doherty is scheduled to attend a 5 day rehab course and will receive an implant that allegedly helps beat heroin addiction. The rehab course will begin following his release from prison for a fight with documentary Max Carlish that left Carlish with black eyes and a broken nose. The argument was reportedly over pictures of Doherty using smack that Carlish sold to a tabloid newspaper.

In a seemingly unrelated event, the Government’s spending watchdog called for access to the Duchy of Cornwall accounts as the Prince of Knowing Not To Rise Above His Own Station In Wales’ top financial advisers were accused of "jiggery-pokery". There is no word yet on whether the Prince of Wales will be joining the drug addict rock star and the murder-addicted Middle East on their mission of peace and tranquility to Russia.

donderdag, februari 03, 2005

Hey, Let's Celebrate! The Pope's Not Dead Yet!

You guessed it right. Like Generalísimo Francisco Franco, the Pope, Il Papa, just ain't dead yet.

We were hoping for it here at Desultory Turgescence but it's only because prematurely, we wish to direct you in the direction of:

Bush For Pope.

In the interim, whilst happy music and the State of the Union plays, the levity of Langston Hughes should suffice:

Morning After

I was so sick last night I
Didn't hardly know my mind.
So sick last night I
Didn't know my mind.
I drunk some bad licker that
Almost made me blind.

Had a dream last night I
Thought I was in hell.
I drempt last night I
Thought I was in hell.
Woke up and looked around me--
Babe, your mouth was open like a well.

I said, Baby! Baby!
Please don't snore so loud.
Baby! Please!
Please don't snore so loud.
You jest a little bit o' woman but you
Sound like a great big crowd.

--Langston Hughes

dinsdag, februari 01, 2005

Hilary Clinton Faints At Success of Iraqi Elections

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton fainted briefly yesterday shortly after learning from a White House briefing and persistent rumour that President Jesus Bush has declared the Iraq election a success.

Mrs. Clinton was trying to address a women's group, Taking Action Politically Through Bad Fashion, when she fainted, according to a Clinton spokesman, Philippe Reines, likely due to the shock and awe she must have felt when learning how successful democracy has become in Iraq.

Mr. Reines said the senator, who is 57, was not taken to the hospital because she is much too strong a political leader for the Democrats to waste time seeking medical assistance. He said Mrs. Clinton, who was appearing at the private Saturn Comedy Club in Buffalo, declined medical attention and merely "revived herself" with recollections of her husband's infidelities.

Mrs. Clinton then went on to her next appearance, at nearby Canisius College Comedy Cafe, where she was to give another speech, Mr. Reines said.

"Senator Clinton is suffering from shock at the success of the Iraq elections," Mr. Reines said. "She wasn't feeling well upon discovering what an enormous success bringing democracy to Iraq has been and consequently, how wrong she's been proven about what a great leader President Jesus Bush is. She felt weak, needed to sit down and then fainted briefly. She still plans on running for election as an Iraqi senator as soon as her application for Baghdad residency has been approved."

People at the Saturn Comedy Club said that Mrs. Clinton appeared unsteady almost from the moment she began speaking.

"She said right at the top of her remarks that she was feeling queasy about having to face the success of President Jesus Bush's elections in Iraq, but was going to talk about the Cubs trading Sammy Sosa and things like that," said Leonard R. Lenihan, the Erie County Democratic chairman. "About five minutes into the speech, she said, 'I think I'm going to sit down.' And boy, did she ever!"

The votes for the smashingly successful Iraq Election are still being counted but early returns and ABC are projecting a landslide victory for President Jesus Bush.