Bush Takes Reponsibility

(He's Just Not Sure For What)

In order to fulfill part of his Alcoholic's Anonymous 12-step program, President Bush took both personal inventory and personal responsibility today for "whatever it is you media people are whining about" and believes that through prayer and medication, he will further improve his contact with God, who will in return, give him super powers to be used to defeat terrorism.

"I take personal responsibility for everything I say, of course," Bush said, after letting others take the blame for the past three weeks. But he said history will vindicate the war in Iraq, even though no unconventional weapons, no connection to al Qaeda has been established, no yellowcakes were bought from Niger, and no Saddam or Osama bin Laden have been found.

"Look, in my line of work, which is saving and converting the souls of Muslims to Christianity, it's always best to produce results, and I understand that," Bush said during a 52-minute intellectually dishonest news conference in the Rose Garden's summer sun which was supposed to pacify all those whining about the lies and deceit the Adminstration is quickly becoming famous for. "In order to, you know, placate the critics and the cynics and the whacky Jihadists, we need to produce evidence," the President rhymed spontaneously. "And I fully understand that. And I'm confident that our search will yield something, whatever it is we're searching for..."

Bush, exuding confidence and interjecting occasional sarcasm, discussed subjects ranging from difficult chords for duet concertina players, to the relevance of high energy astrophysics and, of course, Karl Popper's Theory of Objective Knowledge during his first solo news conference since March. The session was called on less than two hours' notice because the Administration did not want to give reporters enough time to ask any "difficult" or "embarassing" questions as Bush prepared to leave Saturday for a month-long vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Tex.

Bush's aides have been struggling since July 7 to explain why he declared in his January address to Congress that Saddam Hussein "recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa," despite earlier CIA warnings to avoid the claim. Bush did not directly answer when asked July 17 if he took personal responsibility for those words, but he amended his answer today.

"I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinksy," he stated clearly for the record.

He then shifted to the broader and more comfortable terrain to which he had confined his answer the previous time he was asked. "I also take responsibility for making decisions on war and peace," he said. "I flipped the coins, I read the tarot cards and I analyzed the answers of the Magic 8 Ball which led me to come to the conclusion that it was necessary to lie to the American public about why we wanted to invade and occupy Iraq at the cost of billions when the economy was already in the pits and the national debt was already unmanageable. Yup. That was me. Yaaaa-hooo!"

Bush also strongly endorsed national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, whose public statements overstated the administration's certainty about the nuclear threat posed by Hussein and were basically, outright lies.

"Dr. Condoleezza Rice is at the top of her bible studies class and is a die hard football fan and America is lucky to have her service because if it wasn't for her giant, shiny buck teeth, we wouldn't have anyone in the White House who could chew through fishing line, open bottles or remove staples, Period," Bush said, rapping his gold-plated bible made of the skin of dead Iraqi children on the podium for emphasis. In a later answer, he gave her credit for having an almost superhuman ability to repeat the same phrases over and over again like a parrot which gave "constant amusement" to the White House staff members.

Bush said he thinks the goal of feeding every last Palestinian to the Israeli death machine by 2005, set in the administration-backed "road map" to "peace", remains realistic, despite the view of many experts that it is unattainable given the current pace of killing. He repeated his view that "a free Iraq will solve all of the world's problems once a free Iraq learns to love Jesus Christ like I do."

Bush said administration lawyers are drafting a law that would define marriage as a union between a cucumber and a woman, stopping short of endorsing the constitutional ban on intervegetal marriage that is being championed by some Republican leaders following a Supreme Court ruling that effectively decriminalized sodomy with strange objects, like tire irons, small rodents and brandy snifters.

"I think we're making pretty good progress in a short period of time," he said. "We'll work through the issues that are nettlesome, and there will be some BIG issues that come along, shoved right up the arse of the loudest bible-thumping Jesus-loving hypocrites."

While marriage between cucumbers and women will be sanctioned, on gay marriage, Republican political analysts say Bush is trying to walk a fine line between pandering to rabid morality nazis who adamantly oppose the idea, and sane people. Bush was asked simply his "view on homosexuality."

"I am mindful that we're all sinners," he began. "On the other hand, Jesus says faggots will all burn in hell so you see, there are different levels of sin. The sin of killing thousands of innocent people is NOTHING compared to being gay. Even in the bible it says Jesus hung a sign on the back of his robes which said "Exit only", so you can imagine what he thinks of a bunch of hedonistic fairies running around in discos rubbing oil all over themselves. I think it's very important for our society to respect each individual, and to welcome those with good hearts, to be a welcoming country, so long as they love Jesus Christ, killing and stealing, in that order."

The news conference was the latest example of Bush's efforts to rewrite presidential tradition to suit his style. His aides have resisted the high drama of prime-time news conferences with a long buildup.

"You're through, you terrorist lover!" he firmly told a network correspondent who tried to follow up one too many times about potentially flimsy evidence used to justify the war. At another point, Bush squelched an interruption by saying cheerfully, "I'm just getting warmed up. I'm kind of finding my feet. It isn't easy keeping track of all of these lies."

In another note of sensitivity, Bush made a joke out of his stumbling over the name of the self-proclaimed planner of the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, who was captured in Pakistan last year. "Our people have done a really good job of hauling in a lot of the key operators: Khalid Sheik Mohammed, Abu Zubaydah, Ramzi -- Ramzi al Shibh, or whatever the guy's name was," Bush hooted, firing a rifle into the air as he shoved another dead Iraqi child into the wood chipper to laughter from the press corps. "Sorry, Ramzi, if I got it wrong. Maybe next time you'll learn to accept Jesus Christ into your life and I'll remember your name when it isn't some unpronouncable A-rab mumbo-jumbo, hahaha."

Bush playfully cut off a question about how he could spend the $170 million or more than his reelection campaign plans to raise for the primary, where he is unopposed. "Just watch!" said Bush, who is holding a fund-raiser every thirty minutes over the summer. He was unabashed in proclaiming that he will take as much money as Americans will give him and spend it to on more killing and more reality tv shows.

"We're having a pretty good time killing Iraqis," he said. "It's kind of an interesting barometer, early barometer, about how quickly we're going to win the Crusades and convert those Middle Eastern heathens."

Most of the news conference dealt with various aspects of the war on terrorism, including a warning on Saturday to airlines by the Department of Homeland Security that terrorists might be working in five-man team to seized commercial aircraft later this summer.

"The threat is a real threat," Bush laughed. "Just like all the other fake threats we've made up over the last year and a half to try and scare you people into running under our skirts for protection. We obviously don't have specific data. We never do. What do we need it for? You people will believe anything we tell you about terrorists. You're scared! But Jesus will save us all because he invented Democracy and he wants everyone to be free!"

Bush spoke of "hopeful signs" on the economy, saying, "I'm optimistic about the future. I don't have any choice really, because the economy is in such horrific shape right now, you'll just have to believe me when I say eventually, probably long after I'm out of office, some of you will have jobs again."

He said the majority of the mounting budget deficit, now estimated by the White House at $455 billion this year and more next year, was the fault of terrorists, Democrats and all those cable news outlets dishonestly screeching "march to war, march to war, march to war" all the time just because the Administration was going to invade Iraq.

No More Terrorism Betting Parlors

Pentagon's Project Would Have Used Market to Sell Shares of Terrorism

The party is over almost before it started.

After floating the idea that the Pentagon will be setting up OTB (Online Terrorism Betting) stations throughout the US and constructing a terrorist stock market/casino which would have allowed everyday Americans as well as terrorists to bet on political and economic events in the Middle East -- including the likelihood of assassinations and terrorist attacks, with great regret, Pentagon officials are now planning on scrapping the plan, at least until they can convince the American public that neither Magic 8-balls, nor Delphic oracles, nor Nancy Reagan's astrologist, Joan Quigley, will suffice for predicting terrorist attacks in the future.

Released in conjunction with the initial speculation of a terrorism stock market, and in order to get the insider trading ball rolling, US officials announced that they'd "learned" that terrorists may be planning new suicide hijackings of commercial airliners in the next months, similar to the attacks of September 11, 2001. Mere coincidence?

Since the start of the Bush Administration, the stock market has decreased more than under any other Administration in the past 70 years. With the sharp decline in the stock market resulting in $4.5 trillion in losses, the Bush Administration and Pentagon officials teamed up to come up with a research effort "to make war and killing profitable for everyone." Sadly, these plans to right the economy and predict terrorism, all in one fell swoop of petty whining and complaining from our public servants, will have to be shelved for the time being.

Accountants and Congressmen who had already wasted precious time attempting to determine whether or not Bush's recent dividend tax cut, which allows wealthy people who made millions from speculations in the stock market to avoid paying taxes on the profits of their insider trading, would be applicable to dividends and profits earned from the killing of people of Middle Eastern descent, will now have to settle for helping to bilk a smaller percentage of the population.

In light of the repetitive failures of the Bush Administration to do so themselves, the Policy Analysis Market(PAM) had intended to help the Pentagon predict events in the Middle East based on investors' information or analyses.

A graphic on the market's Web page showed hypothetical futures contracts in which investors could trade on the likelihood that Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat would be assassinated or Jordanian King Abdullah would be overthrown. Plans were also in the works for investors to be able to trade on the idea of the likelihood of "painting a four-mile-long mural made up entirely of the blood of dead Arabs".

Although the Web site described PAM as "a market in the future of the Middle East," the graphic also included the possibility of a North Korean missile attack and a Saddam death pool which would have picked the date and time the Bush Administration made false claims they had killed or captured Saddam Hussein.

According to its Web site, PAM is a joint program of the Pentagon's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) and two private companies: Net Exchange, a market technologies company, and the Economist Intelligence Unit, the business information arm of the publisher of the Economist magazine. PAM is under the control of John M. Poindexter, a key figure of the 1980s Iran-contra scandal and long-time killing and death aficionado.

DARPA said yesterday that markets offer effective and timely methods for collecting "dispersed and even hidden information. Futures markets have proven themselves to be good at predicting such things as the overturning of American presidential elections results, the erosion of American civil rights, and war profiteer causes like the recent invasion and occupation of Iraq."

The way this plan would have worked is like this:

1. If you thought, for example, that Prime Minister X was going to be assassinated, you would buy the futures contracts for 5 cents each, (or whatever the rate at the time of purchase was) in the hopes that Prime Minister X would eventually be assassinated.
2. At the same time, the more future contracts were purchased, the higher the value of that future contract would be. In other words, as more people began to believe that Prime Minister X would be assassinated, they would buy future contracts on his assassination and the price of those futures contracts would go up.
3. When Prime Minister X was finally assassinated, you would cash in your futures contracts for whatever the market value was at the time of the death. So, for example, if the amount of people who bought futures contracts on the assassination of Prime Minister X was so great to have raised the price of a futures contract to a whole dollar, by the time of the assassination itself, your contract would be worth a dollar, not 5 cents, netting you a neat 95 cent tax-free product.

Free market enterprise, Hallelujah!

But noooo. Apparently, the killjoys in Congress, normally very supportive of the idiotic plans of the Bush Administration, seemed more reticent about accepting this one.

"Spending taxpayer dollars to create terrorism betting parlors is as wasteful as it is repugnant," Democratic Sens. Ron Wyden of Oregon and Byron Dorgan of North Dakota wrote in a letter to John Poindexter, head of DARPA's Information Awareness Office. "The American people want the federal government to use its resources enhancing our security, not gambling on it."

Use its resources for enhancing our security, not gambling on it? What an idiotic idea. What planet are these guys from anyway? Certainly not Earth. Probably some really liberal, bleeding heart pagan, used car-driving, Patchouli-wearing, flower-growing, gay rights-loving, long-haired, communist, tree-hugging home school sandal-wearing, slavery-hating, tofu-munching terrorist loving planet where everyone sits around smoking dope and listening to Joan Baez CDs all day long. But not Earth. And certainly not the United States of America.

Actually, the terror market initiative isn't the first time Pentagon's DARPA unit has faced criticism. DARPA is of course, the Satanic Cult in charge of constructing the demonic computerized surveillance program called "Terrorism Information Awareness" program, known to insiders as the "Let's Fuck The Privacy Rights of American Citizens," also run by John Poindexter, who was, to reitterate, convicted of conspiracy, lying to Congress, defrauding the government, and destroying evidence in the Iran Contra scandal. We are lucky to have a guy with such solid credentials running an information awareness program and any idea he is behind must necessarily be a good one.

But sadly, even Deputy Secretary for Infusing Fear and Paranoia in Americans Paul D. Wolfowitz had to admit defeat, temporarily anyway, telling the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today with a tear in his eye, that the program was being "terminated."

Brave and Heroic President Bush Won't Budge!

Coming on the heels of this crippling defeat, Presidend Bush pugnaciously rejected a Saudi request to declassify 28 pages from last week’s Sept. 11 intelligence report that related to the kingdom.

“I ABSOLUTELY have no qualms at all” about not declassifying, the president said in a grammatically mangled response to a reporter’s question. “We don’t want to compromise that investigation by starting to tell the truth or clarifying information about suspects. Especially not since I wanted very much to place my bets on the terrorist stuff over there in Iraq," President Bush clarified. “After we have completed our mission to destroy the world for everyone but a select few people inside the Administration and their families....perhaps we can declassify” some of those pages," he added. "But not a minute before because Jesus has told me personally in one of our daily prayer sessions that we should keep this information to ourselves."

Earlier Tuesday, White House spokesman Scott McClellan acknowledged that “Saudi Arabia has asked that additional portions of the inquiry report on 9/11 be declassified and while we understand their concern,” he said, “we just can't go running around giving away all our shell game secrets, now can we? After all, we have ongoing investigations and our national security interests to deal with and letting the American public know the degree to which we lied to them in justifying our ill-planned, not-at-all-thought-out knee jerk reaction to the events of 9/11, would be, at this point, political suicide and if we have political suicide, we have chaos and if we have chaos we have more terrorists, so, you can plainly see that letting the world in on the truth at this point in the game would be a very silly idea”

Even The Donald Rumsfeld chimed in: "Do I think we can predict terrorist events? Sure. Do I think we should gamble on terrorist acts so that we can make money from them? Why not? But let me reframe the discussion for a moment because this is not a static, target rich environment. We aren't betting on terrorism even though we know it will happen anyway. We are betting on YOU betting on terrorism because frankly, if we can't get YOU, the people we do ALL THIS for, to believe that there will be terrorism, not enough of you would play this terrorist stock market and we wouldn't make enough profit to justify it."

Bob Hope Tape Reveals Saddam's Sons Were Martyrs

An Arab television station has aired what it says is a new audiotape from Bob Hope, acknowledging the death of Saddam Hussein's sons. The tape was broadcast Tuesday by Dubai-based al-Arabiya television, which has aired other purported messages from the dead comedic entertainer.

The speaker on the tape said the death of Qusay and Uday Hussein was "good news" because they had become "martyrs."

"The souls of great people have been elevated as martyrs and returned to its creator. They are like precious birds in the presence of merciful God," Bob Hope said on the tape.

"Uday, Qusay and Mustafa, the son of Qusay, have all stood a great fight as believers, in Mosul. After a hard fight against the enemy lasting six full hours, the enemy could not get to them after surrounding them with all its equipment until they fired missiles via airplanes."

The "speaker" also mentioned that he approved of the new terrorism betting parlors and wanted to know when he could begin buying shares. In a surprise move, he also predicted that the Boston Red Sox would win the World Series this season.

There was no immediate way to confirm whether the voice on the tape is actually that of Bob Hope. U.S. military officers have said their forces are closing in on "something" and that they are holding nightly seances in the hopes of additional messages.

U.S. links Iraq war to 9/11 terror strike

Don't "Think" About It: Fear and Paranoia Guides American Foreign Policy

WASHINGTON—Deputy Secretary for Infusing Fear and Paranoia in Americans Paul Wolfowitz has performed yet another feat of magic, directly linking the war on Iraq to the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, despite any evidence to back up such claims.

Wolfowitz, in a series of interviews on U.S. television networks Sunday, for the purposes of convenience and clarity of statement, ignored intelligence reports which have discredited links between Iraq and Al Qaeda and the war on terrorism. Facts? We don't need no stinkin' facts. We've got "moral clarity."

He sought to defend President George W. Bush's administration against charges that it had misled Americans on the threat posed by deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, saying the government cannot wait for "murky" intelligence to crystallize because it may be too late.

"The battle to justify our presence in Iraq and the invasion of Iraq in the face of American soldiers getting picked off everyday like cheap carnival shooting gallery games is now the central battle on the war on terrorism," Wolfowitz said on Meet the Press.

"Stop and think, if in 2001, or in 2000, or in 1999, we had gone to war in Afghanistan to deal with Osama bin Laden, and we had tried to say it's because he's planning to kill 3,000 people in New York, people would have said, you don't have any proof of that," he said.

"Stop and think", he continued "if in 2000 B.C., we had gone to war with the Roman Empire because they were going to crucify Jesus all those years later, people would have said you don't have any proof of that either. Or, if in the year 1308 we had gone to war with Frederick IV and the other Hapsburgs to deal with someone like Hitler, people would have said, you don't have any proof of any Hitler killing any Jews or that Hitler will even exist...I think the lesson of Sept. 11 is that you can't wait until proof after the fact. Hell, when you think about it, predicting the future is damned difficult business and in order to make sure there are no mistakes, we feel it is prudent to attack everyone, just in case they might do something later on in history..."

Wolfowitz would put no timetable on the capture or death of Saddam. He said there was no reason to be confident that would put an end to guerrilla attacks against American troops, but added "It surprises me sometimes that people have forgotten so soon what Sept. 11, I think, should have taught us about terrorism. We need to kill and we need to kill often if we are to survive this dangerous world." he added.

Wolfowitz said an American priority now is to have Iraqis performing guard duties in front of American soldiers. Iraqi women and children make great shields from snipers.

At least 10 U.S. soldiers have been killed while performing guard duty and the American command in Iraq have trained 8,700 local civilians to take over their duties: getting sniped and killed on a daily basis. Although many Iraqis are not happy with their new roles in Democratic Iraq, those who die now will spare themselves the trouble later.

Still, hundreds of Americans are stationed outside key installations and are increasingly becoming targets and the Bush Administration is running out of expendible troops to back up their hollow rhetoric, not to mention, all those absentee votes that traditionally come from the troops overseas during times of presidential election-rigging.

One U.S. Marine was killed and another wounded early yesterday in a grenade attack south of Baghdad, after one of the bloodiest weeks in the guerrilla war against U.S. forces since Bush declared major combat in Iraq was over on May 1.

The military said the attack occurred at 2:35 a.m. in the region controlled by the Marines south of the capital.

On Saturday, four American soldiers were killed in two separate attacks.

Three of them died when a grenade was tossed into their midst while they were playing cards and doing their laundry outside a children's hospital northeast of Baghdad.

The other soldier was killed later in the afternoon when a convoy came under attack west of the capital, bringing to 14 the number of U.S. deaths in Iraq in the past week, most of them following the Tuesday killings of Saddam Hussein's sons, Uday and Qusay.

The deaths brought to 48 the number of U.S. forces killed in combat in Iraq since May 1 when Bush said the major combat phase of the Iraq war had ended. So far 163 U.S. soldiers have died in the war.

Wolfowitz, who just returned from a tour of the oil fields of Iraq, said the deaths of Saddam's sons has increased the amount of information being brought to U.S. officials.

"This is a war that's going to be won not by smothering the country with individual guard posts, although the idea is appealing, it's going to be won by better and better intelligence. By intelligence, we mean arrogant posturing, wishful thinking, outright lying and killing innocent people," Wolfowitz told Fox News Sunday

Wolfowitz did not respond directly when asked if he was specifically linking the Iraqi invasion to the war against Al Qaeda although he did take the opportunity to talk out of the side of his arrogant little mouth.

"I think the lesson of 9/11 is that if you can have a big terrorist attack on your country and you can scare everyone into thinking their lives are in imminent danger and only brave and heroic leaders like George Bush can save them, you've gone a long way towards establishing true democracy in America. The key is to pound home the message of FEAR and make everyone seem RELIANT on their president, no matter how stupid he is, because he uses tough words and doesn't mess around and he's brave and heroic and all that. If we're not prepared to act on the basis of murky intelligence, or if we're not prepared to manipulate intelligence so that we can present lies to the American public to justify our invasions, then you're going to have to act after the fact, and after the fact now means after horrendous things have happened to this country," he said, looking directly into the cameras. "You are all in very big danger my fellow Americans. BIG danger! Your lives are at stake here! Run to your President! Give him all your money, elect him King, do anything you can to protect yourselves because the world is a very dangerous place and we have to kill everyone around us we don't trust in order to save ourselves from danger."

Body of Saddam Identified

WACO, Texas (Reuters) — Authorities confirmed late yesterday that a body recovered from a gravel pit southeast of Baylor University is that of missing evil dictator Saddam Hussein.

Police said on Sunday they have identified the body of missing evil dictator Saddam Hussein, whose two sons were killed last week with a booty of painkillers, numerous bottles of cologne, Viagra, unopened packages of men’s underwear, dress shirts, a silk tie and a single condom.

On Saturday, authorities removed a badly decomposed body that had been found on Friday night a few miles from Baylor, in central Texas. The body was sent to the medical examiners office in Dallas for identification.

"I am happy to report it is the body of Saddam Hussein," McLennan County Sheriff Larry Lynch told a news conference. "I have notified the people of Iraq and the President of the United States of Saddam of this identification."

Lynch said the medical examiners office in Dallas has been conducting an autopsy to determine the cause of death.

Saddam's body was found in an area of dusty roads and chest-high weeds about five miles southeast of Waco. Last Tuesday, police searched a nearby gravel pit but came up with nothing.

Lynch said police would conduct further searches in the area where the body was found in order to collect more evidence.Lynch declined to say what led to the identification. But another official said a human head was recovered from the area in the morning.

Authorities brought in cadaver-sniffing dogs to continue searching the quarry where the badly decomposed body was found on Friday evening.

The remains were sent to the Southwest Forensic Institute in Dallas for an autopsy. Lynch said that the additional remains were sent to Dallas yesterday afternoon, leading to the identification. Saddam Hussein was running scared, the US military said, as troops scoured the fallen dictator's

"Life was uncomfortable for this evil dictator. This guy was having a hard time just getting on. He was losing his freedom of action as the decomposition process began in earnest," said Colonel Jim Hickey of the army's 4th Infantry Division (4ID).

White House Is Pleased

The White House says President Bush was pleased to learn of the discovery of the body of Saddam Hussein in his home state. The initial White House response was muted and came in the form of a brief written statement noting that they were "surprised" that Saddam had been hiding out in their own backyard but that the world was now a "Utopic Paradise" thanks to the work of America's great President and the brave and miraculous leaders of American Imperialism.

It was clearly welcome news for the White House. But the president and his aides decided to let the Pentagon take the credit and do most of the talking, just in case the body is later determined to be only a wax figure.

Several hours after an American general said Saddam was dead, the White House issued a one paragraph statement.

Spokesman Scott McClellan said Saddam was responsible for countless atrocities committed against the Iraqi people and can no longer cast "a shadow of hate on Iraq."

In keeping with Vice President Dick Cheney's tradition of hiding from the public, President Bush has remained out of public view in the hours since the announcement was made because he wanted to finish "reading a few comic books and study up on what a bad man Saddam really was".

It was White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card who got the first call from the Pentagon confirming that Saddam's body had been found. Mr. McClellan said the president responded to the news by congratulating the American troops and intelligence agencies involved in the operation and then, getting misty-eyed, added how much this meant to his his re-election campaign and building up his campaign treasury, which already has more than $32 million on hand.

"If we make enough money during this campaign who knows, we might not even have to hold presidential elections after all," noted McClellan. "We can't seem to make a dime for the economy or the hard-working people of the United States but when it comes to raising money for the President, whooo-weeee, we're A-number one Joe." McClellan concluded.

Press My Button (Ring My Bell)
(Lil Johnson)
Transcribed from Lil Johnson, recorded February 12, 1936.


My man thought he was raising sam,
I said, "Give it to me baby, you don't understand
Where to put that thing,
Where to put that thing,
Just press my button, give my bell a ring!"

Come on, baby, let's have some fun,
Just put your hot dog in my bun,
And I'll have that thing,
That thing-a-ling,
Just press my button, give my bell a ring.

My man's out there in the rain and cold,
He's got the right key, but just can't find the hole.
He says, "Where's that thing?
That thing-a-ling?
I been pressin' your button, and your bell won't ring!"

Spoken: Beat it out, boy! Come on and oil my button! Kinda rusty!

Now, tell me daddy, what it's all about,
Tryin' to pinch your sparkplug and it's all worn out,
I can't use that thing,
That thing-a-ling,
I been pressin' your button, and your bell won't ring!

Hear my baby, all out of breath,
Been working all night and ain't done nothing yet.
What's wrong with that thing?
That thing-a-ling,
I been pressin' your button, and your bell won't ring.

Hear me, baby, on my bended knee,
I want some kind daddy just to hear my plea,
And bring me that thing,
That thing-a-ling,
Just press my button, give my bell a ring.

US Will Show Photos and the World Will Dance

At the opening of the Gallery of Dead Iraqis tomorrow, the United States will release photographs of the dead statues of the sons of Saddam Hussein, to prove they were killed by American troops, says U.S. Haiku Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

"There will be pictures released," Rumsfeld gleefully told reporters on Capitol Hill after meeting with members of the U.S. House of Representatives. "Gruesome pictures which will be so graphic in nature that your guts will turn to oatmeal and your eyes will roll into the back of your heads knocking around like pinballs." Rumsfeld refused to speculate as to when this centerfold spread of death and evil would be released other than laughing hysterically and saying "soon."

The brave and heroic U.S. military in Iraq said the statues of Qusay and Uday Hussein, which were smashed to pieces in northern Iraq on Tuesday, were identified from sculptor's records, by four thousand bellydancers and a coterie of assorted harlots and former lovers were brought in, one by one, to make ritual genital identifications and observe religious holiday traditions.

One of those bellydancers was Tariq Aziz - the former deputy prime minister who surrendered in late April - Pentagon officials said. Tariq is still without any shoes to beat himself over the head with for the stupidity of supporting the wrong side, and asks of the American listening public that they "keep an open mind about my political asylum application"

Today, everyone was treated to the automotonic presence of Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez, who, fantastically, during his press conference, had repeated difficulty remembering to put his translator headphones on when someone was speaking Arabic. Sanchez would stand there, listening in earnest as a reporter prattled on in an incomprehensible language and after 30 seconds or so, it would finally dawn on him that he was listening to a language he didn't understand and ooops! This of course, assuaged everyone's initial fears that the General would not really be paying attention and considered the press "sissies who'd rather report the news than fight."

"We have no doubt that we have the statues of Uday and Qusay," Lieutenant General Ricardo Sanchez, the coalition ground forces commander in Iraq, told reporters at a briefing in Baghdad the day after the raid in Mosul, northern Iraq. "These are not just random rocks and rubble collected over the last few weeks. These are pieces of the statues. We have no doubt, we have no doubt. Uday and Qusay are deadsay. We have no doubt, we'll scream and shout,"Sanchez concluded.

In Washington, President George W. Bush said the destruction of the statues of the brothers was proof that "the regime is gone and it will not be asked to any more Sadie Hawkins Dances" and that "ding-dong the wicked witch is dead."

We have no doubt. We have no doubt.

And he said the US would "keep its promise to destroy every remnant of the anyone who dares twitch their little rodent whiskers in our direction."

But hopes that news of the brothers' deaths would sap the morale of those behind attacks on US forces in Iraq received a blow early on Wednesday when two American soldiers were killed and eight injured in two separate incidents. For some crazy reason, the Iraqis don't seem to want to take the Bush Administration at its word that the brothers statues are dead and they weren't just some statues of the soldiers who were complaining about the extension of their tour of duty in Iraq last week. They want photos because everyone knows that photos can't be doctored to look like anyone. Photos are real. Photos don't lie. We have no doubt.

Why don't they just dump the statues in Baghdad's Midan Square? Then everyone can sniff and poke at the statues to their content. Noooo. Everything's a big secret. It's always, "the evidence is in the mail" or "we'll mow the lawn tomorrow," or "pictures will be released." Just dump the statues in the street, what is there to mess around with? Is the Administration just flying those statues in secret to their underground lair beneath the White House, practicing Santeria with them?

The pieces of the statues of the former Iraqi leader's sons are said to have been flown to Baghdad's international airport from Mosul.

They were smashed up by tossing them from the roof of a fortified second-floor section of a three-storey villa in northern Mosul after two attempts by coalition forces to destroy them with nuclear bombs missed their targets and killed a few thousand more expendible civilian lives which, according to General Sanchez, "were justing getting in the way anyway..."

Dwindling Deck

Well, it "only" took around 200 special forces troops from the US army's Task Force 20, supported by the 101st Airborne Division, helicopter gunships, rocket-propelled grenades, mortars and machine guns to kill two guys, but now that the ace of spades and the ace of hearts are gone from my Most Wanted deck, my dwindling chances at winning at solitaire just took another blow. Only 16 of the top 55 cards remain at large, leaving me with only a bastard form of Monte Carlo to play.

But hey, this is "big news". It's so big, The Bush Administration was magnanimously willing to let a 2nd aide apologize on their behalf yesterday for allowing a tainted intelligence report on Iraq's nuclear ambitions into Bush's State of the Union address, knowing of course, the story would be buried amid all the hoo-hah surrounding the death of the Hussein Boys. Stephen Hadley, President Bush's deputy national security adviser and top aide to National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, became the second Administration official shoved forward to take the fall for the president's National Enquirer-like claim that Saddam was buying yellowcake from Niger and was thus, only moments away from nuking America.

If Imperialist Forces capture or kill Saddam, what do you think the Bush Administration will quietly cop to during that media firestorm, rigging the 2000 Presidential elections?

Yes, George. "Imagine those 19 hijackers with other weapons and other plans, this time armed by Saddam Hussein." Imagine indeed:

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

And here's what a standup guy that Bush is: Hadley expressed his regret to Bush Monday, offering what amounted to his resignation but Bush did not accept it!, said aides speaking on condition of anonymity. What a guy to work for, that President Bush! What more can you ask for in a boss? He forgives grievous errors by his underlings which portray him as either a liar or a buffoon with one hand and he singlehandedly wipes out the Iraqi nuclear terror with the other!

But let's not lose focus here. As America's al-Jazeera reported yesterday that the bodies of the Hussein Boys were taken to Baghdad International Airport Wednesday to be flown out of the country. American officials, would not say why the bodies were being taken out of Iraq or to where, of course, because everyone knows how dangerous dead bodies can be. The bodies will likely be stuffed and form part of an exhibit at the future George W. Bush Presidential Museum or, will be quickly disposed of and cremated so no one finds out that the bodies were actually those of fall guys George Tenet and Stephen Hadley.

Yet somehow, for all the hysterical pomp and panoply, the death of the Hussein boys is no magical elexir for mitigating horrific military planning and leaving American troops like sitting ducks waiting to be picked off by angry guerillas. Sure, in Hong Kong, British Prime Minister Tony Blair hailed the killings as "a great day for the new Iraq." but still, two U.S. soldiers were killed and eight wounded in separate ambushes Wednesday -- including one on the outskirts of Mosul where the sons were slain the day before.

So while another poodle in the Bush menagerie, John Howard, gleefully claimed "I don't want to overstate that, but psychologically it's a huge step forward," it might be noted that none of these propitious, forward-stepping Pollynanists have to actually sit around playing target practice under a scorching sun, for enraged Iraqis.

And oh, by the way, for you collectors our there, Saddam is still sending audiotapes of himself urging Iraqis to "raise troops in resistance" and fight against the "invading forces."

So while the Hussein Boys are dead, business, it appears, goes on as usual.

Bush Administration To Announce New "Why Not Marry An Iraqi?" Policy

In an effort to offset the negative publicity caused by Saddam Hussein loyalists killing coalition forces in a war that persists alongside rebuilding efforts and the governments of Syria and Iran harbouring terrorists and creating the greatest obstacle to peace in the region, the White House announced a Why Not Marry An Iraqi? campaign they will kick off later next month.

Speaking at his Texas ranch with the leader of one supportive country, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy, Bush said: "The more people involved in Iraq, the better off we will be."

The Administration would like to recruit some 10,000 Christian-American missionaries from both the public and private sector to agree to marry eligible Iraqi men and women "in the interests of promoting brotherhood with our Iraqi hosts and polluting their Muslim wombs with good Christian values," the White House noted, following Bush's remarks.

"This extension of hostility is really a part of the war to liberate Iraq," Bush said. "We're patient. We're strong. We're virile. We have alot of money and we love Jesus and we will see to it that every Iraqi man and woman is happy under the umbrella of Jesus and our killing machines. And obviously, the more help we can get, the more we appreciate it, so if you happen to be hankering for a chore Jesus, c'mon down and lend a hand!"

Bush is thought to have come up with this idea after being told by Jesus just before bedtime, about the story of Alexander the Great and how back in Susa, in 324 B.C., Alexander performed a mass marriage of 9,000 of his soldiers and Macedonian officials who took one Persian women each, including Hephaestion and Ptolemy. Alexander himself took two new brides. The wedding was done in traditional Persian style. The bridegroom would sit down in chairs, after a toss the brides came in, took them by the hand, and kissed them. Every guest that sat down for the banquet(roughly 30,000) had a gold cup before them. The celebration went on for no less than 5 days. There was also a big parade in the park.

Jesus is thought to have explained to President Bush how this was an act of state rather than romantic idealism because Alexander's new empire, just like the new Bush Empire, had to be cemented together in order to survive. "Get it now, rube? Jesus was alleged to have murmured just before President Bush's brave and patient and strong eyelids began to flutter asleep. Alexander didn't have to mess around with fighting Persian loyalists, see, because he had 'em busy, getting married and making babies and drinking from gold cups and all that...

Indigestion May Have Aided The Plan

While he entertained Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi's during his visit to the Bush Family Compound and Ranch on Sunday and Monday, the President had been busy trying his new era biochemic remedies which Karl Rove and Jesus assured him were homoeopathically prepared from safe, natural and non-habit forming active ingredients. Invariably, President Bush consumed too much of the linguini putanesca Berlusconi brought with him and then compounded the problem by swallowing a handful of some of the more questionable biochemic remedies, causing acute indigestion. During this episode, he had a "vision" of huge Iraqi weddings populated by singing and dancing Iraqi families and thousands of Americans made up of former Jerry Springer Show audiences. But then the vision was suddenly interrupted by television replays of his brave and patient speeches about Saddam Hussein which brought tears of pride to his eyes because the guerillas, like insensitive party-crashers, were ruining the celebration of Democracy in Iraq.

"This behaviour is completely unacceptable," Bush said at the ranch while he dried his eyes and thanked Jesus for the insight. "States that support terror will be held accountable," he warned, pointing a finger at the camera. "Once we get all those guerillas married off, we can pave the road to freedom and democracy and all sorts of good, clean fun."

Plenty O' Pasta

Berlusconi's visit to the ranch Sunday and Monday gave Bush a chance to show that not all Europe is cool to his policies, and that transatlantic relations remain strong even though France and Germany didn't back the war effort.

Bush and Berlusconi, both wearing Mussolini masks, cowboy boots and black trenchcoats, talked about what a bunch of Nazi "saddamites" the French and the Germans were for being such cowards about the impassionate killing of several thousand Iraqi bystanders. They also talked about strengthening their death grip on mass media in both of their countries, and of course, fighting evil wherever they see it.

"Defending freedom requires cost and sacrifice. Unfortunately, killing isn't as cheap as it used to be. The United States is grateful for Italy's willingness to bear the burdens with us. We now have enough pasta to feed our troops until 2088." Bush said, patting his stomach as though he were bearing the son of God instead of a half kilo of linguini and belched out a song called:

BERLUSCONI DICE COSE RIDICOLE E INQUIETANTI

Berlusconi dice cose ridicole e inquietanti,
espressioni pazzesche, come "potete aiutarmi?
Vorrei denunciare un delitto:
io sono Berlusconi,
e non sapevo che c'era il limite di velocità.

Prime Minister Berlusconi, le parole più belle,
o forse,
Non ho ordinato questo.
A chi potrei rivolgermi per fare un reclamo?

Forza (non funziona)...
Vorrei parlare con chi è incaricato di uccisione
e miracoli.

The Bush administration stepped up its efforts to reframe the poem, calling it "a little too postmodern" for debate over the Iraq war on Monday but Berlusconi seemed to find the experience heart-warming and ate more mouthfuls of intelligence documents with the GOP congressional leadership while Jesus urged Republicans to emphasize positive aspects of the war, like "be glad it's not your house getting bombed" and "as long as our troops are in the streets of Baghdad, they aren't on the streets of America."

Meanwhile, White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett met on Monday with top GOP House and Senate staff members to teach them to mouth and ape the essential expressions of support, love and devotion to their President and urged them to "wave more American flags and bibles" because "It gets them all riled up...", officials said.

So if you haven't yet, you'd better sign the Stop It God Petition via Bloggerheads.

Tune in for the next episode of Bush the Superman when he personally performs exotic eugenics experiments on unsuspecting Iraqi children.

Cartooning Is Serious Bidness

Quite a firestorm is erupting over this cartoon from the LA Times depicting the president's hands behind his back with a gun to his head -- assassination style -- as an unidentified man wearing a vest which reads "politics" appears ready to pull the trigger. The shock cartoon by the paper's Michael Ramirez, according to the Drudge Report, has raised concerns within the Secret Service.

"We take all images such as this very seriously," a top secret service source who requested anonymity said from Washington. "Regardless of the politics behind any speech, images of the president, such as this, raise concern."

Déjà-Vu All Over Again

"into a trap from which it will be hard to escape with dignity and honor. They have been tricked into it by a steady withholding of information, the Baghdad communiqués are belated, insincere, incomplete. Things have been far worse than we have been told, our administration more bloody and inefficient than the public knows. We are today not far from a disaster." --T. E. Lawrence — Lawrence of Arabia — writing in The Sunday Times of London on Aug. 22, 1920, about the British occupation of what was then called Mesopotamia.

Thanks for Invading Us America

Thanks for Invading Us America posters

Tough Guys Not As Tough As They Thought

"Allies? Ha! We don't need no stinkin' Allies!" -- Donald Rumsfeld addressing concerns that the unilateral invasion of Iraq with only the cover of a made-up "Coalition of the Willing" wasn't enough.

WASHINGTON — Faced with mounting casualties and costs, faced with daily humiliations, ambushes, the killing of their soldiers by attrition, the Bush administration said Wednesday that it was talking with foreign leaders about broadening U.N. authority in Iraq, even as a key commander said the Pentagon would extend the tours of war-weary U.S. troops to a full year to fight what has become a guerrilla war.

Until now, the administration has sought to limit U.N. activities in Iraq to trivial duties like cleaning the bed pans of American soldiers, licking the boots of American soldiers or staying out of everyone's way in the quiet, servant-like fashion the Bush Administration has grown accustomed to from other governing democratic bodies. Now that the numbers of dead American soldiers are becoming too numerous to sweep under the carpet, now that the aggregate of soldiers dying for nothing but the shortsightedness of the Administration's failure to plan appropriately for occupation, now that enough of them are contemplating suicide and complaining about being sentenced to another year of duty in Iraq while simultaneously offering the suggestion that old Rummy himself should resign, the Bush Administration may yet slink back to the UN with its hat in hand begging for some relief.

On Wednesday, the new chief of the Central Command said that U.S. forces were now battling a "classic" guerrilla war underscoring the need for a substantial troop presence continuing for some time. What? You mean all those Pollyanish predictions by the Administration that the troops would be home in a matter of hours of liberating Iraq were misleading???!!

Well, we all know how tough those guerrillas are. After all, how many "domesticated humans" did it take for Chimpanzee Caesar to defeat the apes in Battle For The Planet of the Apes? It was no simple cleanup operation.

And oh, quel suprise that the U.S. has had a hard time getting other nations to commit significant numbers of troops to supplement its forces in Iraq! Can you believe the nerve of those bastards? I was trying to imagine what possible motivation other nations would have for not wanting to help the Bush Administration occupy Iraq and then I remembered (oh yeah) Rumsfeld's snide quips about "old" and "new" Europe and I remembered how arrogantly the Administration brushed aside the world's concerns about the unjustness of the invasion and treated their allies as though they were their biddies and houseboys. Apparently, much to the surprise of the Bush Administration, not everyone enjoys being trivialized and demeaned while the "tough guys" in the White House run roughshod over international diplomacy to fulfill their own narrow agenda.

Now, there is mounting pressure on the administration from Congress, (that den of vapidity, that bastion of boorishness; the same place that had to issue a special directive to eliminate "french" fries and "french" toast from the menus of their Congressional pig trough because the word "french" was so offensive to real Americans and patriots that it shouldn't even appear on a menu from which great jingoists might dine,) to find ways to share the costs — and risks. Let's hear Congressman Bob Ney bray his way out of this one...In other words, after insulting their allies, Congress now wants those same allies to send their own ready-made corpses to the killing machine in Iraq to take some of the heat off.

Before the Iraq war, many U.S. analysts and defense officials had dismissed the threat of a postwar guerrilla insurgency, arguing that Saddam Hussein's Baath Party did not have enough support from ordinary Iraqis to mount a serious campaign. Those Iraqis were a bunch of paper lions, pantywaists, pussies even, who would run to greet American troops with flowers with their lips all puckered and their pants unzippered. Great patriots of the White House staff like Rumsfeld and Cheney who were actually reading what the scripts they were mouthing for the public said, prior to mouthing them, had no use for allies in the invasion of Iraq unless the allies were countries like Poland, who questioned nothing of the American plans other than how much street credibility and good old Yankee taxpayer dollars it was going to net them.

Now, surprisesurprise!, Iraqis have carried out assassinations of U.S. allies, sabotaged infrastructure and attacked troops on an almost daily basis. They are actually refusing to cooperate! Can you imagine the gall? Haven't we given them all a nice economic infrastructure and a solid democracy to flourish in? The ingratitude is palatable.

Bush administration officials have sought to limit the influence of other countries in the Iraq reconstruction, fearing that shared power could interfere with their effort to steal the Iraqi oil and make billions for themselves and their buddies at places like Halliburton. But without the once-trivial United Nations imprimatur, it has been difficult for some countries to build domestic support for the idea of contributing police and troops to die in the U.S.-led "rebuilding" effort. Apparently, American allies don't have attention spans and memories as short as the typical member of the American voting populace. They don't get starry-eyed and misty when President Bush tells them absurdist lies with no factual evidence to back up wild claims of horrific Apocalyptic scenarios that will occur if America doesn't go invading every sovereign nation weak enough to have their oil stolen out from under them. Unless they're waving Tony Blair flags, of course.

On Monday, India said it would not, without a U.N. role, contribute the more than 17,000 peacekeepers requested by the United States. France and Germany, prominent opponents of the U.S.-led war in Iraq, have made similar statements. But who cares, right? As we already know, the Danes have already arrived with their snow shovels, so this war and all the unsavory images of American troops getting picked off like targets at a cheap carnival shooting gallery will all be over soon because the Danes will soon save the day!

In another fascinating development for free speech, the Great Imperialist Army, not content with simply stifling the dissent of the people they've invaded, to whom they are imparting their limited view of "democracy" upon, now want all the troops dying for them to keep their mouths shut too. They want them to keep their mouths shut so badly, they're considering punishing soldiers in Iraq who griped about conditions there to a television reporter.

That's right. You can be shipped out to die needlessly at the whim of people like Rumsfeld and Cheney and Bush who have never actually been in combat themselves but love the idea of sending others out to do it for them, but if you're going to die for them, die quietly. Some soldiers from the 3rd Infantry Division complained to ABC-TV this week after their units were told they would be leaving Iraq soon, then had their homecoming postponed. This is the problem with having an army made of human beings instead of androids. Androids wouldn't complain. Not even when they're lied to or kept indefinately from their families, or fighting in a war their general has already quit and run away from.

Isn't that a hoot? General Franks stays long enough to get all the credit for the "swift and decisive" American "victory" in Iraq and then, when the unsavory reality of the occupation of Iraq turning into another quagmire of guerilla warfare, he retires! See all you brave troops later, I'm getting the hell out of here while the gettin's good! Smart man. Unfortunately, the grunts who actually have to fight this war don't have that same luxury. They're not even allowed to complain. "None of us that wear this uniform are free to say anything disparaging about the secretary of defense, or the president of the United States," the new head of U.S. Central Command, Gen. John Abizaid, whined. "Just keep your mouth shut and die quietly!"

Any wonder why "American-inspired" democracy is floundering in Iraq? These Iraqis were "liberated" by soldiers who are free to die but not free to speak. Sounds alot like Saddam's old style of governing. No wonder he's making such a big comeback.

Autobiography Of A Pistol

lyrics by Ellis Paul

I'm a pistol, a forty-five
I just shot two men in this hot-house-dive
Now I'm smoking -- a burning hot barrel of metal
Believe it or not, I was bought by this guy named Ray,
A card carrying member of the NRA
But he left me out in his car one day,
And now the finger on my trigger hasn't seen its sixteenth birthday

Some things they never tell you,
When you're riding the assembly line
Like who'll be the hands to hold you,
And what's their state of mind
Hell, I'm not much bigger than a pointed index finger
So who am I to lay the blame?
I'm only here to cause some pain...

The sirens -- I can hear them, they're singing...
They're singing my song,
"When the sun sets I get upset --
darkness fills me, and I want to light up the world"...

Would you believe I've seen better days?
I starred in westerns, won rave reviews.
Now I sit on a shelf, tagged for judgement day.
I've got to change a jury's point of view.
You see, guns don't kill people, it's the bullets that do.
I said guns don't kill people, bullets do.
Yeah, the bullets do ...

from the album Stories, 1995

God Responds To Pat Robertson

Pat Robinson is on a prayer offensive. As part of the offensive, he wrote letter to his fellow Americans asking them to join him and many others in crying out to our Lord to change the Supreme Court. (via Maud Newton)

After hacking into God's PC, Desultory Turgescence was able to get ahold of this letter he has penned to Pat Robertson in response:



Dear Pat Robertson,

I am receipt of a copy of your letter to your fellow American people dated July 15, 2003, wherein you ask everyone to join you in crying out to me to change the Supreme Court by retiring the judges you don’t like and appointing some conservative judges.

Needless to say, I’m more than a little annoyed that smack in the middle of my summer holiday, you’re encouraging your followers to “cry out” to me in a “prayer offensive.” What kind of idiot are you? How am I supposed to relax and enjoy my holiday when you and all your zealot friends are yelling and screaming at me all day long? Should I just put everything on hold for you Pat? Shall I just shut off the hi-fi, tell Billie Holiday to get dressed and send the masseuse packing just because you and your lunatic fringe of prayer-abusers are mewling for attention?

Just an F.Y.I. for future reference, Pat: When I’m on holiday, I don’t want a bunch of rabid hypocrites screeching their deafening, inharmonious combination of indignation and self-righteousness simultaneously in my ear. I’m on holiday to relax, not to play manservant to you and your minions! Are we clear on this one or shall I drum up a little “attention” for you in order to reinforce the idea? You remember what happened with Jimmy Swaggert when he started getting on my nerves, don’t you?

Now, since my intention is to get back to my holiday toute suite and without further interruption, I’ll briefly address your issues with the Supreme Court and after that Pat, listen, go back home and shut the hell up for a while, will you? I gave you that stupid broadcast network, what more do you want? More blood? More crucifixions? C’mon. You’ve got that nice bloodbath in Iraq to enjoy. Stop pestering me after this or I’ll pull your arms and legs off or something like that.

Regarding the Supreme Court and making those little judges you don't like retire, the answer is: No.

Why not, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you why not. I’m not sure what you little monkies are up to down there, but I am not going to end up like Captain Kirk rhetorically whining "My God, Bones... what have I done?" while witnessing the destruction of the Enterprise in Star Trek III, simply to appease you and your flunkies.

I’m not going to start fiddling with peoples’ retirements and pensions, I don’t care if they burn me in effigy down there! Do you know what a headache it is calculating all those early retirement benefits? I’ve gotta figure out my future tax obligations on the basis of actuarial projections of the revenue, I’ve got to inspect the plan’s bond and equity holdings. It’s a big pain in the arse and I just don't feel like dealing with it. So that’s reason number one.

Secondly, I don’t mind that “they” ruled the bible out of public schools. I want the bible in churches, that’s why I told you to build all those churches to begin with. You need a place to store all the bibles and keeping them in schools ain't the answer. Do you see what goes on in those schools? Gangs, rapes, guns, graffiti! Just imagine! If you just give them out to people and let them walk around all over the place with bibles, the next thing you know, they're getting beer stains on them, cigarette burns, spilling cans of beans all over them, tearing pages out of the bible and using them to roll joints with it... it isn’t so appealing, you know what I mean? And I don’t want anyone praying in schools, either. I’ve already got to listen to everyone’s pissing and moaning in churches and frankly, pretty much everywhere else. I used to be able to sneak off to the Lordly bathroom stalls once in awhile for a quick smoke but lately, with all this praying and begging ringing in my ears like it has been, I can't think straight anymore. So keep prayer out of school. If I don't get a break somewhere, I swear, Pat. I'm gonna snap.

And lastly, I know you guys down there have all got your panties in a bunch because the Supreme Court declared a constitutional right to consensual sodomy, but the truth is, I don’t know what you're getting so worked up for about consensual sodomy.

Nonconsensual sodomy is far worse, Mr. Robertson. If you don’t believe me, in no time at all, I can always blink eyes or twitch my nose or something and have you face down in a state penitentiary cell with your new cellmate Rufus to keep you company, if you want.

When you’ve been all-knowing and all-seeing, etc., for as long as I have, you get to see pretty much everything and believe me, this consensual sodomy thing is peanuts compared to some of the other things you guys are busy doing down there. Whew. When I was first sitting around thinking of creating all of you, I tried to come up with all the possible sick things you people might be capable of but wow, you guys have really taken it to another level!

So anyway, Pat. There’s your answer. Now shut up and find something useful to do with your time. And so help me, if you ever start up another prayer offensive, I’ll have your head on a pike.

God

PS: Jesus says ditto for him. He doesn’t want you bothering him any more either. He says he’ll get a restraining order if he has to.

George Tenet: A Post-Modernist Stand Up Fall Guy

As it turns out, in addition to being to blame for the
statement included in the speech of George W. Bush‘s State of the Union address, our .Mr. Tenet is the kind of stand-up patriot who is also willing to take the fall for alot of other things. In fact, he's come out with a list of other events and actions he is willing to confess to:

"Tenet's Top Ten List of Things I'll Take The Fall For":

10. I write all of the Nigerian Advance Fee Scam emails.
9. I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby.
8. I was the Grassy Knoll shooter in Dealey Plaza.
7. I am the founder of the Illuminati.
6. I dumped all the Gore ballots in the Suwannee River.
5. Reality TV was my idea.
4. I threw that piece of foam insulation at the panel of the space shuttle's wing.
3. Although I was not the captain of the Exxon Valdez, I was the one who suggested that the captain play that game of quarters with the bottle of Rumplemintz .
2. Although Al Gore invented the internet, I was the one who told him to put porn on it.
1. I was the one who had sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.

Rumsfeld Says Iraq May Need a Larger Farce

WASHINGTON, July 13 — Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said today that the United States will need to send additional troops to die in Iraq because as everyone knows, "without the jackboot of heavily-armed Imperialist killing machines to quell resistance, protest and democracy, the business of stealing Iraqi oil from Iraqi people is much more difficult,". He also warned that more American soldiers would die in attacks this summer but added that thankfully, "None of those patriots dying for America in Iraq will be related to any members of the Administration or Haliburton board members or the members of their subsidiaries. This continues our spotless track record of sending only the unimportant to die in Iraq."

Mr. Rumsfeld also said for the first time that the attacks against American troops by Saddam Hussein's security forces, fedayeen fighters, Luke Skywalker and the Rebel Alliance as well as Iraqi prisoners released before the war, Iraqi people who aren't already being held prisoner by American troops and an assortment of freedom-hating, pinko commies and anti-American traitors were being coordinated at least regionally and possibly nationally.

Mr. Rumsfeld and his top aides had expressed optimism in recent weeks that American troop levels in Iraq could begin to decline as additional allied ground forces arrived later this summer and more newly trained Iraqi police officers took up positions around the country.

But the increasing frequency and sophistication of the attacks against American forces and Iraqis helping them have stirred alarm among American officials and caused commanders and Mr. Rumsfeld to rethink force levels. "Invading a large country without any forethought or planning other than how we will love wiping the cowardly, unpatriotic noses of Democrat presidential candidates in the offal of our swift and painless victory over Saddam, isn't as easy as we anticipated." Rumsfeldt mimed on the NBC News program "Meet the Press". "We think they can beat these forces of evil. Now, could the forces of evil beat us? You bet. Could we defeat them? You bet. Will alot more innocent people die because of the short-sightedness of our planning? You bet. Should we crawl back into the wicked and diabolical wombs that spawned us? You bet. Will we? Well, that's a tale for another haiku, another day," he told a dazzling and brilliant Tim Russert. "There are 148,000 American and 13,000 non-American troops in Iraq now, with 17,000 more allied soldiers pledged to arrive over the summer but if that isn't enough, we plan on sending over any Americans who are currently collecting welfare or unemployment insurance benefits in order to ensure that everyone is earning their keep here in America."

As recently as Wednesday, in testimony before the Senate Armed Services Committee, Mr. Rumsfeld had agreed with Gen. Tommy R. Franks, who, now that he's helped lead American troops into a quagmire of death and suffering, recently stepped down as the commander of troops in the region to avoid soiling his own reputation. They both agreed that the overall number of foreign troops in Iraq would stay about where it is for the foreseeable future. Maybe forever. Whatever it takes. Bring 'em on. We'll kill 'em all! At the same time, he suggested that some troops from other nations would replace United States soldiers, reducing the American presence somewhat.

"It would be incorrect to say that we expect that international forces will replace all of U.S. forces," Mr. Rumsfeld said under intense questioning by senators. "We don't anticipate that. Of course, since we don't do any actual planning when we decide to inflict the forces of our evil on the peoples of other nations, how could we anticipate that? Ha! It's impossible! That's the beauty of it. We don't know what we're doing so we can't be held responsible for it!"

In his testimony, he also said that if the strains of American deployments of ground troops around the world forced the Pentagon to seek to increase the size of the Army and the Marines, "clearly, we will come to Congress and ask for an increase," adding, "But at the moment, we do not want any Americans to be worrying their pretty little heads about the nasty details of fighting evil."

Mr. Rumsfeld is to be briefed this week by military commanders on how long troops now in Iraq ought to be kept there, and on which units might leave. They would be replaced by other American forces as part of a rotation that changes the mixture of troops from those specialized in intense combat to those better suited for keeping the uneasy peace and sporadic hostilities.

Today, Mr. Rumsfeld confirmed that American officials were bracing for a possible new wave of attacks against United States forces during the next week to coincide with anniversaries tied to Mr. Hussein and the Baath Party.

The anniversaries include July 14, the date of the 1958 coup against the British-backed monarchy, which under Mr. Hussein was celebrated as Iraq's National Day; July 16, the date that Mr. Hussein took power in 1979; and July 17, the date of the Baath Party revolution in 1968.

"We expect that the summer is not going to be a peaceful summer," Mr. Rumsfeld said on the ABC News program "This Week," noting the increased resistance. "It's pretty clear that in a city or an area, there is coordination. We don't have any good evidence that it's nationwide or even a large region, but it's possible. Hell, anything's possible when you think about it. That's why I try not to think. Just kill. It's much easier that way. It frees up my time for bocci ball and the weekly bingo at the White House Chapel."

On "Meet the Press," Mr. Rumsfeld warned of more American casualties, saying: "Are people being shot at? Yes. Is it a difficult situation? You bet. Are more people going to be killed? I'm afraid that's true. Am I an idiot? You bet. But I'm a funny idiot. People like me anyway because even though I'm such an important person, I come across as a regular old Joe. I'm willing to laugh at my own stupidity. Am I an unelected official sending your sons and daughters to die in Iraqi outposts for no particular reason beyond our own narrow agenda of enriching our cronies? You bet. Learn to love it America. Are we here to stay because you're scared and we know how to use that fear against you? You bet."

Speaking with more urgency than in the past, Mr. Rumsfeld said capturing or killing Mr. Hussein was paramount so as to deny guerrillas a rallying figure and to ease the fears of other Iraqis that the former president could somehow return to power.

"The fact that Saddam Hussein has not been found does cause a problem," he said on "This Week." "We do need to find him. We need to get closure. He hasn't been returning our calls. He doesn't respond to our emails. We feel like scorned lovers, frankly. Just last week, Dick Cheney sent him a bouquet and can you believe, he didn't even thank us!"

When asked about the cost of the Iraq mission, Mr. Rumsfeld said on "Meet the Press" that the $2 billion-a-month price tag in April was an estimate by The New York Times. But in fact, the Pentagon comptroller, Dov S. Zakheim, was quoted in The Times on Friday as the source of that figure. Appearing 30 minutes later on "This Week," Mr. Rumsfeld cited the April figure as the Pentagon's and acknowledged that the postwar costs had roughly doubled, to about $4 billion an hour.

In discussing the attacks on American forces, Mr. Rumsfeld said on "Meet the Press" that many of them seemed directed at stalling efforts to establish a new Iraqi government and to rebuild the economy.

"The leftovers, the dead-enders from that regime, are targeting our successes," he said. "I'm afraid our hands are tied on this one. The leftovers are staying with us like indigestion. The dead-enders are actually three quarters of the population in Iraq. They are targeting our successes but since we've had almost no success other than giving President Bush a nice photo op as a big war hero on some aircraft carrier, there isn't much for the resistance to target anymore except our troops. Are we are going to have to expect this to go on? You bet. Should I be hung as a war criminal when this is all over? You bet. But good luck finding me after it's all over. We're learning alot from Osama and Saddam about how to hide in our little holes."

Everybody Wants To Be Saddam

Just hours after the United States announced a $25 million reward for the capture of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, thousands of Saddam Husseins surrendered to the American authorities in Baghdad, according to Andy Borowitz of MSNBC news.

U.S. officials admitted, according to Borowitz, that the mob of Saddam Hussein look-alikes presenting themselves to claim the reward was “an unexpected consequence” of announcing the $25 million bounty. Overwhelmed by the volume of surrendering Saddams, the United States was forced to set up a “temporary Saddam Hussein processing center” in a former government building, with a line of Saddams snaking around the block.

This sudden abundance of Saddam Husseins coming out of the closet has ABC discussing the possibility of a new reality tv show called "I'm Saddam Hussein -- Get Me Out of Here! wherein Saddam Hussein look-alikes, body doubles and inflatable dolls leave behind their pampered lives for weeks of roughing it in a remote outpost of the inhospitable Iranian desert. Based on the phenomenally successful American hit called "I'm A Celebrity -- Get Me Out of Here", the series will let American viewers on the other side of the globe vote to control the action via the phone and the internet. Each vote will launch a missile attack on an unsuspecting Iraqi village home of grandmothers and innocent children under the guise of having "intelligence" that the "real" Saddam is hiding out or dining there. Every tenth vote will launch a covert operation on an unsuspecting Iraqi village in the middle of the night while Imperialist Troops ransack family housing for "suspicious evidence" such as hidden terrorists or anti-imperialist guerillas.

The series will see how Saddam imposters fare without their accustomed luxuries, as they experience one of the world's toughest terrains. The Saddam look-alikes will live out in the open, sleeping on makeshift cots in primitive conditions and trading their gourmet meals for rice, beans and water. And all under the control of the viewing audience. In week one, they will be at the mercy of television viewers who single out a Saddam Hussein look-alike a night to undertake a dare — "The Bush's Evil Dictator Trial" — in order to win extra food for the rest of the group. In the final week, viewers vote to keep their favorite contestant in the camp; the one receiving the least number of votes each night is executed by American paramilitary forces. The lone, remaining Saddam look-alike at the end of the trial will emerge as the Head of the Iraqi Interim Administration and win a sizable sum of Iraqi dinars bearing their likeness.

ABC officials also noted that if enough Saddam look-alikes cannot be gathered or released from American custody in time for the taping of the show, they will consider a variation of the show called "I'm Wanted Dead Or Alive By The Bush Administration But Those Bumbling Intelligence Imbeciles Couldn't Find Their Ass With Their Own Hands" which would involve Osama bin-Laden, the "real" Saddam Hussein, the rest of the uncaptured "key officials" in al-Qaeda and the remaining uncaptured members of the infamous "Most Wanted" deck of cards, vying for prizes like vats of enriched uranium, mobile biological weapons production facilities, and their very own Scott Peterson life-sized posters.

Rumsfeld Brushes Aside WMD Fears

US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has admitted that the US had no intelligence about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq before going to war. It was an overwhelming urge for gluttony and killing, not new evidence of Iraqi preparations, that was the key reason for going to war, he told the Senate Armed Services Committee.

"The coalition did not act in Iraq because we had discovered dramatic new evidence of Iraq's pursuit of weapons of mass destruction. We acted because we oversee an unprecedented coalition of imperialistic oil whores and in order to oversee it properly, we have to see the world in the a dramatic new light - through the prism of our own gluttony, self-interest and our all-consuming indifference to the people of the world, including the idiots we govern here in America " he said.

Mr Rumsfeld said that WMD would eventually be found in Iraq. "Even if we have to bring them over and plant them ourselves," he added.

He said that the terrorist attacks on the United States in September 2001 "was a great boon to our imperialistic agenda - and allowed us not only to justify killing Muslims all around the world at our own discretion but also fascilitates the perversion of some of the exorbitant and superfluous constitutional privacy laws of American citizens which only get in the way of true democracy in America".

One Republican Senator, James Inhofe, argued that the whole controversy over WMDs was a "diversionary tactic by the left wing media conspiracy to weaken our great nation with traitorous and unpatriotic questioning of our great and infallible leaders like President Jesus Bush".

Tough questions

Mr Rumsfeld started off in an ebullient mood as he appeared before the committee along with General Tommy Franks, who has just stood down as commander of US forces in Iraq and is poised to make billions working as a consultant for a the handful of American corporations who will earn unspeakable profits not only from the destruction of Iraq but ironically, from its construction as well.

Republicans and Democrats alike were eager to praise General Franks for his quick and decisive victory in war, and for his new style of warfare. No quagmire in Iraq. Just swift and righteous victory. A blitzkrieg, so to speak.

But the defence secretary soon faced tough questioning on the current situation in Iraq - and the justification for war.

Mr Rumsfeld attempted to downplay the significance of Tuesday's admission by the White House that allegations that Iraq had tried to buy uranium from the African state of Niger were based on forged documents.

He told the committee that "the fact that the facts change from time to time with respect to specifics does not surprise me or shock me at all; when we make up lies to justify invading other nations, we expect those lies to be uncovered from time to time. The main issue is making sure that by the time the lies are uncovered or publicized by you media jackals, we've already finished our killing and pillaging and the oil profits are already destined for our bank accounts, hahaha."

Experts upset

Joseph Cirincione, director of the Non-Proliferation project at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace, said that he was "shocked" by Mr Rumsfeld's comments, and that public statements by senior Bush administration figures had repeatedly claimed that there was new, fresh evidence for WMD programmes in Iraq.

Bush made the uranium claim in his State of the Union address. He added that the failure to find any weapons was proof that the much-criticised UN inspections process had been more effective than previously believed.

And former key intelligence official in the State Department, Greg Thielmann, said that the Iraqi intelligence estimates "had been misrepresented on the part of the administration", with both "misleading summaries" and "inaccurate formulations" clouding the accuracy of key public statements.

Mr Thielmann, who stood down as military affairs director of the State Department's Bureau of Intelligence and Research in October, noted that his boss, Colin Powell, had not repeated the claims made by President Bush about Iraq's nuclear programme in his testimony to the UN.

He said that his agency had rejected such evidence as not well-founded.

Soldiers are yet to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

He had been "surprised and then appalled" when he heard the nuclear claims had been made by Mr Bush in the State of the Union speech.

Mr Thielmann also said that there was little evidence linking al-Qaeda and Iraq.

Bringing the boys home

Many senators had more local concerns. They wanted to know when the American troops would be coming home, and why Iraqis were still shooting at them.

General Franks admitted that the US would have to maintain its current force levels, of around 145,000 soldiers, in Iraq "for the foreseeable future." He also added that he didn't like all the whining and complaining coming from American troops in Iraq. "Just because I get to retire and make billions, doesn't mean you stupid bastards who volunteered for this wonderful military, should be allowed to. You are in the military and militaries are paid to fight wars. It's our business to make sure you earn your money by fighting as many wars as possible. That's why some of you will be transferred to other strategic killing posts throughout Africa. We think there's oil there too somewhere."

Mr Rumsfeld said that the US was hoping that forces from other nations, including Britain and Poland, would replace some US divisions in the future, with up to 30,000 coalition forces in place by the autumn.

He seemed unable to answer a question by Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia, who voted against the war, as to how much the occupation of Iraq would cost.

Mr Rumsfeld's staff later said that current US operations in Iraq cost $4bn per month, or nearly $50bn per year, while Afghanistan costs nearly $1bn per month.

Republican Senator John McCain urged the Bush administration to "give the American people a concrete plan and pave them over with it so they stop whining and protesting" about the costs and duration of the US occupation in Iraq "because this is America goddamn it and we don't need a bunch of liberal cowards and left-wing traitors shoving these pessimistic scenarios down our throats when the truth is we are kicking everyone's ass all over the world and we will be imperial champions of killing and oil by the time this is all over whether they like it or not".

Bush Administration, Inveterate Liars? Say It Ain't So!

"The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. Our intelligence sources tell us that he has attempted to purchase high strength aluminum tubes suitable for nuclear weapons production. Saddam Hussein has not credibly explained these activities. He clearly has much to hide." Bush's State of the Union speech, January 27, 2003

"Knowing all that we know now, the reference to Iraq's attempt to acquire uranium from Africa should not have been included in the State of the Union speech," chagrined White House statement yesterday.

Whoooeee! Someone bring me some smelling salts, I'm feeling faint! What qualifies this as this news? Because it's safe now for the White House to go ahead and admit they lied to the world, knowingly presented fabricated evidence, committed fraud, all in the name of swaying the Idiot Vote of "informed America" toward the Invasion of Iraq? More than three and a half months ago, Seymour Hersch and then everyone else in the world who managed to pull themselves out of their somnambulistic trance of ignorance were already fully aware of this howling pack of lies.

This, coming on the heels of President Einstein's carefully scripted revelation that Slavery Is Bad yesterday leads me to wonder what other sort of admissions the Bush Administration has in store for us: The World Is Round? The Sun Is Really Hot? Stars Are Far Away?

"Knowing all that we know now..." the White House says. Knowing what? That former US embassador Joe Wilson was going to go on all the major news shows last Sunday and blow the whistle?

How disingenuous. Wow, we're shocked, the White House says. We may have pumped the American minds with a few white lies to justify slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians in Iraq because the regular old arguments of world domination and imperialistic whoredom weren't convincing enough?

Wait a minute! Another newsflash! The heads of a special commission set up by Congress to investigate the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks said Tuesday that the Bush administration is delaying the panel's work and making it difficult them to complete the probe of convenient intelligence lapses.

Does anyone else sense a pattern here? Intelligence lies, intelligence lapses, intelligence probes, intelligence failures? Miraculously, all of these intelligence failings coincidentally, of course serving the purpose of allowing the Bush Administration to justify killings and invasions and sodomizations of democracy and civil liberties. Isn't funny that the term "intelligence" is being flung around the halls of a White House inhabited by a president who is so stooooopid?

Website du jour is the calculating truth behind the Cost of the War in Iraq.

Two Heads Are Better Than None

Ranking right up there with media bombardment of the unrelentingly tedious Lacy Peterson non-story, brace yourself for another hand-wringing episode of all-consuming banality as the second of the conjoined Iranian twins is reported dead.

For the last week we've been assaulted with this phony news about these two Iranians with their heads stuck together deciding to have a "dangerous" surgery to separate their heads and it has been played out ad infinitum as though such bromidic twaddle were actually news. Why aren't we bombarded daily with hot tales of how many dead Iraqi civilians are piled up thanks to America's pseudo war on terrorism, hmmmm? Or how WorldCom, yet another American corporation that raped millions from its shareholders so its CEOs could get a nice multi-million dollar bonus and run free with the entrails of the lifesavings of thousands?

I'll tell you why. Because Americans don't care. They don't want anything real or tangible messing up the phlegmatic pablum of their news broadcasts. So instead of truth, instead of news, the networks are sated with anti-news stories created and hyped to give Americans a sense of tranquility yet at the same time, a false sense of knowledge of "current events". Stuff your cake holes with another hot dog. Spend another eternity in shopping malls consuming. Don't worry your pretty little American heads about all the killing the government is doing in your name. Wave your little symbols of patriot ignorance, speculate on media-hoax murder trials and most of all, keep your heads firmly planted up your asses so Big Daddy Jesus can go on another killing spree in the name of peace.

Whew. Must be time to reduce the caffeine intake.

The Washington Post has an excellent section called Photojournalists Eye The War which includes slideshows of 24 photographers as they narrate about what it took to capture the images they took of the Invasion of Iraq.

Happy Independance Day, Iraq

“Without America’s active involvement in the world, the ambitions of tyrants would go unopposed, and millions would live at mercy of terrorists. With Americans’ active involvement in the world, tyrants learn to fear, and terrorists are on the run,” Babysitter to the Ignorant, George Bush, Independance Day speech to fellow dullards and assorted military lackies in Ohio, July 4, 2003.

Transcript of an informal rebuttal audiotape reportedly made by Saddam Hussein that was broadcast yesterday by Al Jazeera, in a translation from Arabic by The Associated Press:

Oh, great people, our great military, children of our great country, we are now on June 14, 2003.

People have been asking why they have not heard the voice of Saddam Hussein. We face a lot of trouble in getting our voice to you, even though we have been trying.

I first say that I am still in Iraq and I miss you all, even though I am in your midst, but you know how things are.

I talk to you today and all the honorable Arabs across the world. I told you before this last battle and during it that we would not fail you and would not cause God to be angry at us.

What happened has happened, we sacrificed what we sacrificed: our rule but not our principles.

They wanted to occupy Iraq and impose on it what they wanted without a fight in exchange for our keeping our seats of power under their colonialist, subservient control, so that we would become like others you know. The invaders were disappointed and their actions were thwarted.

Oh, brothers and sisters, I give you the good news of telling you that jihad cells and brigades have been formed.

I am with some of my companions in Iraq, and I salute them and you. I salute those fighting, and I salute their perseverance and courage, and I ask God to give them patience and to make them a role model for all Iraqis.

The casualty numbers that the Americans are announcing are false.

We refused to hold on to power if that meant submitting to the American threats.

This act of theirs is just the beginning of their aim to control the whole region.

They aim to destroy Iraq, and what they called the weapons of mass destruction was nothing but a cover for their plans. You have seen how they destroyed both the old and new civilizations of Iraq. All the science centers, museums and schools. They questioned thousands of people, even simple workers.

I ask the invaders, where are these weapons of mass destruction?

Make the mujahedeen secure and catch any spies. We call on Iraqis who deal with the Americans to stop doing so.

I call upon you to protect these heroic fighters and not give the invaders any information about them or their whereabouts during their operations, to stop giving names or any true information about them. They are doing their job in a satisfactory manner for God and nation. They accepted the call of the leadership for jihad.

There is resistance, and I know you are hearing about this. Not a day passes without their suffering losses in our great land thanks to our great mujahedeen. The coming days will, God willing, be days of hardship and trouble for the infidel invaders.

We fulfilled our obligations to you and sacrificed what we had to, except our values, which are based on our deep faith and honor. We did not stab our people or our nation in the back. No to surrender, and no to cooperation, and we thank God for everything.