No Christmas For War Foes

4 Injured In Suicide Attack by Christmas Tree

WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has decided to bar nations that did not support the war in Iraq from celebrating Christmas this year, according to a directive released Tuesday.

In response to this announcement, 31-metre (100 feet) tall Christmas tree threw itself down upon a market filled with holiday shoppers in Prague's ancient Old Town Square injuring four people.

Prague rescue officials said the tree, which had been expressing anger at the Bush Administration throughout the morning, went plunging down into the stalls of several vendors at the market.

Marek Uhlir, a spokesman for the Prague rescue department, said two people suffered broken bones when the tree landed on them, while two others, including a child, had cuts and bruises.

Meanwhile the Christmas For Blood ruling, in a memo from Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz, excludes Russia, Germany, France and other non-members of the coalition from celebrating Christmas or "any festive equivilent thereof" until further notice. It is the strongest U.S. retaliation yet against war opponents.

Only "good Christians" from Iraq, the United States and its coalition partners — 63 nations in all — will be allowed to open presents, sing carols, go shopping and sit on President Santa Bush's lap to be awarded major contracts to rebuild the electrical and water systems and the housing, transportation and oil infrastructures. Britain, Spain, Italy and many Eastern European countries will be able to celebrate Christmas.

A Pentagon spokesman said the order does not prohibit people from the excluded countries from drinking eggnog or buying Christmas presents for the nations that participated in destroying in Iraq and other unsavory Yuletide acts.

When the United States and Britain failed to win United Nations support for the war in March, U.S. officials warned they might retaliate against war critics.

In recent months, however, U.S. diplomats have moved to ease tensions with France, Germany and Russia as the U.S.-led occupation in Iraq has encountered difficulties and international help has been sought.

The administration said the ruling is not designed to punish and should not slow efforts to win broad support. A Pentagon official, who did not want to be identified, said banned nations can still send troops or money and become eligible: "We'd welcome their support."

Naturally, communist pinko, terrorist-loving, anti-American Democrats were quick to criticize the move, saying it conflicts with administration efforts to broaden international support for the coalition. Last week, Secretary of State Colin Powell and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld were in Europe seeking help in Iraq from NATO.

"At the very time the secretary of State and secretary of Defense were at NATO requesting greater allied participation in Iraq and Afghanistan, we stick a finger in the eye of those whose help we are seeking," said Delaware Sen. Joseph Biden, the senior Democrat on the Foreign Relations Committee.

Reaction was unavailable from European capitals, though a French diplomat in Washington said the French think Christmas is a stupid holiday anyway and weren't going to celebrate it in either case.

In his memo, the Administration Automoton Wolfowitz said restricting the celebration of Christmas IS NECESSARY FOR THE PROTECTION OF THE ESSENTIAL SECURITY INTERESTS OF THE United States" Anyone who disagrees with this, of course, is a terrorist and should be killed immediately, he added subtextually.