vrijdag, december 05, 2003

Don't Look Now, The Arseholes Are Creeping In!

As a refugee from the anti-smoking wars in NYC, it is dismaying to see that the disease of legislated morality is spreading like an ebola of the mind.

First, we must change all plans and rush to Ireland before New Years Eve if we ever want to see it in its natural state again because beginning on the first of the year, Ireland will become the first EU country to ban smoking in pubs.

Enveloped in a cloud of smoke and clutching a glass of Ireland's most famous export, Leslie -- a 54-year-old builder with the mannerisms of a left-bank philosopher -- says: "This is not America. Over here it's part of our culture to drink and smoke.".

Not any more, Paddy. Just drink and shuddup, yea. Smoking is baaaaad for you, dontcha know? And thank GOD we have an absolutely brilliant load of government bureaucrats throughout the world who couldn't pass a law to help society to save their pathetic, slinking lives of corruption and thievery but can damned well mumble the same hymns and slogans over and over again if it helps save the bloody nation from death by smoking and GOD ONLY KNOWS how cancer is ONLY CAUSED by smoking, not by oh, let's say the burning of fossils fuels, such as gasoline in cars or coal in power plants, that create air pollutants such as ozone, airborne particles small enough to be inhaled, carbon dioxide and other gases. Or the shite and preservatives they put in food to make it more convenient for our busy lives to have five seconds for a tastily-nuked meal to shove down our healthy traps.

"God help the fellas from the Department of Health who have to enforce the ban," says one local drinker, tucking into his second pint of Guinness before lunch.

Coming on the heels of this is the ribald quackery are the arseholes at the Lancet who are calling for a jihad against smoking, whining that the Government should all be our morality nannies and calls on the Government to ban tobacco to "save the lives of hundreds of thousands of people" and make tobacco an illegal product.

Ohhh dear, save hundreds of thousands of people! We must enlist for this straight away but tell me dear Mullahs good vicars, why not insist upon a smoking ban now, everywhere, forever? Why not insist that everyone eat yogurt and meditate over the bible or over medical journals or over good health and we all pray for good karma and no giant meteors to strike us and that we all live for ever and ever, billions of years even, Amen, because if we stop all those mean old tobacco smokers from smoking, we could save BILLIONS of useless lives straight away!

"If tobacco were an illegal substance, possession of cigarettes would become a crime, and the number of smokers would drastically fall. Cigarette smoking is a dangerous addiction. We should be doing a great deal more to prevent this disease and to help its victims. We call on Tony Blair's government to ban tobacco," it says.

Better still, let's read what the Lancet says about Desultory Turgescence's favorite jackal-in-waiting, George W. Bush:

"Since Sept 11, 2001, President Bush's main preoccupation has become the safety of the American people. Their health is taking a back seat. While searching for weapons of mass destruction abroad, Bush is in danger of ignoring the real and proven effects of a harmful agent found in his country--tobacco. The evidence that tobacco products kill or disable is incontrovertible. "

Yes indeed, let's keep our priorities straight, shall we?

Jaysus! Don't they realize there is War on Terror being fought? (mumblemumble...)

If you're not convinced, have a look in the streets of Birmingham these days. Think all those armed police are patrolling the streets to fight off the evils of tobacco?

Hopefully, this anti-smoking hysteria will die out like the smoldering butt of a cigarette in an ashtray so we are not all forced to move from country to country like a caravan of smoking gypsies in search of less draconian anti-smoking regulations.

And if you have to, BURN your copies of the Lancet like a good ole Hamlet cigar in order to save the planet from more moralistic stupidity bleeding through.

Chanson du Jour:

Career Opportunities
The Clash


The offered me the office, offered me the
They said I'd better take anything they'd got
Do you wanna make tea at the BBC?
Do you wanna be, do you really wanna be a cop?

Career opportunities are the ones that never knock
Every job they offer you is to keep you out the dock
Career opportunity, the ones that never knock

I hate the army an' I hate the R.A.F.
I don't wanna go fighting in the tropical heat
I hate the civil service rules
And I won't open letter bombs for you

Bus driver....ambulance man....ticket inspector

They're gonna have to introduce conscription
They're gonna have to take away my prescription
If they wanna get me making toys
If they wanna get me, well, I got no choice


Ain't never gonna knock

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