zondag, juli 18, 2004


British intelligence reports on Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction in the run up to the Iraq war were “like, totally based on, like, not reality” and “seriously flawed, dude”, the Butler Inquiry informed today, in utter agreement with an earlier report released by former Ridgemont High student Jeff Spiccoli.

Spiccoli, who earlier summed upon the premise of America's Declaration of Independence thusly: "So this Jefferson dude was like, 'Look, the reason we left this England place is 'cause it was so bogus. So if we don't get some primo rules ourselves--pronto--then we're just gonna be bogus, too.", was extensively quoted in the Butler Inquiry.

The inquiry said that when the British government began considering military action against Iraq in March 2002, the intelligence was “like, totally missing” to justify claims that Iraq was in breach of United Nations resolutions requiring it to disarm.

And it said that since the conflict, key claims based on reports from agents in Iraq including claims that the Iraqis had recently produced biological agents, were "similar to LSD-induced hallucinations minus the spiders".

The report also criticised the government’s controversial dossier on Iraqi weapons, published in the run up to war, saying that it was a little too gnarly to be credible" and "the lesson of the build up to Iraq is that people on 'ludes should not drive."

It said that Tony Blair’s statement in the British House of Commons "reinforced the impression that he is a presumptuous, arrogant and infatigable little liar who will say anything at all to maintain his exalted position as President Bush's favourite little poodle, dude."

The inquiry acknowledged that quoting Jeff Spiccoli so extensively in its report would probably tip off the source of the subtitle of the report which compared the leap to war by use of bogus intelligence on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction with the legendary Spiccoli confession that "All I need is a cool buzz and some tasty waves and I'm fine."

The report was highly critical of intelligence-gathering in Iraq but in the end, decided what's done is done and there isn't any use crying over spillt milk.

“This is US History, I see the globe right there..." it said.


Tory Leader Says "If Only I Had Thought I'd Known Then What I Think I Thought I Knew Now"

Tory Party Leader Michael Howard has said that he would not have backed the Government in the crucial Commons vote on the Iraq war if he had thought he'd known what he didn't know or had known about what he would have thought if he'd have known that the intelligence was flawed.

In an interview with the Sunday Times, Mr Howard said;

"If I knew then what I know now, I'd know more than I knew then and then I would have known that I shouldn't have known about voting for that resolution, I think." he said. "Unless, of course, somebody or something changes my mind again" he quickly added.

"It is difficult for someone, knowing everything we know now, to have voted for that particular resolution. But if we hadn't known everything we know now, well then, that would have changed everything of course, probably. And even if I had known that what I knew wasn't right, I'd have been wrong for not knowing what I didn't know and voting anyway."

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