Kerry/Edwards Gaining Too Quickly, Officials discuss how to delay Election Day

WASHINGTON -- With great panic streaking the corridors of the White House since it was revealed that John Kerry got a 5-point life in the hourly Newsweek Poll after picking John Edwards, U.S. officials immediately responded that they have discussed the idea of postponing Election Day in the event of a terrorist attack on or about that day, or, in the event it appears the Bush/Cheney ticket might not win, even if it cheats.

A Homeland Security Department spokesman said yesterday that "if we do not appear to be likely to win the election, there is a very good chance that a coincidental terrorist attack would occur in the United States causing the need for immediate postponement and/or cancellation of the Presidential Elections."

The department has referred questions about the matter to the Department of Justice's Office of Legal Counsel, spokesman Brian Roehrkasse said.

DeForest B. Soaries Jr., chairman of the newly created U.S. Election Assistance Commission who was appointed by President Bush, requested authority to postpone indefinately or cancel altogether, the Presidential Elections in November should it appear that the Kerry/Edwards ticket has a possibility of winning.

"Naturally, some sort of "terrorist" attack would likely take place in that event because as we all know, terrorists love President Bush and do not want to see him toppled from power. If there is the combination of a Kerry/Edwards victory and a terrorist attack, even if it is somewhere else in the world, we will move immediately to cancel the elections and send everyone home where they belong." Soaries said.

President Bush, dining on human skulls with Vice President Dick Cheney, cited Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge's recent warning of such an attack in a news conference last week, saying it was based on intercepted "chatter" among al Qaeda operatives.

"Terrorists, Saddam, Evil, Evil," Bush recited between bites.

What has Homeland Security officials worried is that Americans might decide at the time of the election that they no longer want Bush and Cheney teaming up to destroy the country and would be willing to let Kerry and Edwards have a chance to muck it up even further.

"We have to be prepared because Americans who vote for Kerry on Election Day are probably terrorists attempting to disrupt the election." Dick Cheney added as blood dripped from his chin. "And if you don't believe me, well, just go fuck yourself." he smiled. "Election Day is ours, baby."