donderdag, augustus 07, 2003

National Prayer Day For the Death Of Bill O'Reilly

Yes, it's true. Larry Flynt, publisher of Hustler, who announced on Monday that he plans to run for governor of California, saying he believes he can do a better job balancing the state's budget and improving education than "those pinhead bureaucrats in Sacramento," invited everyone to join him in a National Prayer Day for the Death Of Bill O'Reilly.

In what amounts to a secular fatwa, the prayer asked, among other things:

"Dear (God/Allah/Buddah/other entity of your choice), we ask that you afflict Bill O'Reilly with a brain aneurysm that will lead to his slow and painful death. Lord, make those blood vessels bulge out of his head and explode. Make him writhe on the floor in contrition for his cynical attacks. When O'Reilly reaches for the phone to call 911 and accidentally dials 411, Lord, please remind Bill of all the people he has shouted down with no mercy. Oh Lord, as Bill O'Reilly lies on the floor and contemplates his miserable life, make him lose control of his bowels so that the last warm feeling he experiences is his own excrement. Oh Lord, grant us this wish. Your humble servants forever and ever."

According to event spokesman and magazine editorial assistant Sean Carney, an "overjoyed and ebullient" crowd of 50 - 65 people mostly under the age of 30 gathered at Cornerstone Plaza in Los Angeles this afternoon for the "bash bigot O'Reilly ceremony."

"We are not going to dignify it with a response," O'Reilly spokesman Robert Zimmerman told

Meanwhile, the Presidential Prayer Team, a fringe group of lunatics and jesus freaks based out of the White House, a unveiled three new books focusing on prayer. These new products are a direct result of the demand of more than 3 million members that rely on the prayer and godly heritage updates each week. The titles of the new books are:

1. "Curious George Prays to Jesus For Weapons of Mass Destruction."
2. "Pray for President Bush to Defeat The Baby Jesus in the War of the Super Powers"
3. "Pray For The Children of Satan To Prevail"


Hiroshima had a little anniversary yesterday. At the Hiroshima's Peace Memorial Park, a minute of silence was observed at 8:15 a.m., the time a U.S. atomic bomb devastated the city on Aug. 6, 1945.

In his peace declaration, the Hiroshima mayor blamed the United States for making the world a more uncertain place through its policy of undermining the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons.

"A world without nuclear weapons and war that the victims of the atomic bomb have long sought for is slipping into the shadows of growing black clouds that could turn into mushroom clouds at any moment," Akiba warned.

The Bush Administration is looking into allegations that Mayor Akiba might be a terrorist because who else but a terrorist would dare to criticize the United States in public?

Looks like it's back to Bible Study and Prayer School for you, Mr. Mayor.

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