maandag, augustus 04, 2003

All Dean All The Time

I guess somebody made all the right payoffs at all the right stops. Newsweek, Time and The Washington Post. Proxima Estacion?. What's next, your own personalized Howard Dean Liquid Nicotine?

"Howard Dean is liquid nicotine
for voters going through withdrawl
You can put him in your White House,
or we'll put you through the wall!"

Psst! Brave and Heroic President Bush aced his physical:

Bush had a painful and prolonged prostate exam and had several broken blood vessels around his nose burned off. He's a tough bastard. He didn't cry. He didn't squirm. He stood there like a man and said "Burn 'em off, just like I'll burn off resistance to our world hegemony." He had four lesions -- obviously the work of al Qaeda, -- removed from his cheeks and left arm with liquid nitrogen, along with a benign skin tag. He had his internal Dick Cheney brain cleansed and checked for tics and fleas.

Bush is 6 feet tall and weighs 194 pounds, up 5 pounds from a year ago so he could be at "top fighting weight". The medical report said the gain "most likely represents the excess bullshit that he hasn't been able to release during his infrequent press conferences." Bush has 14.5 percent body fat, the same as last year, and his resting heart rate is 10 beats per minute, ironically very similar to that of a comic book Superhero.

The report said Bush runs three hundred miles three times a week, jogs in water once an hour for fifty minutes, and uses an elliptical trainer for six hours a day, seven days a week. He lifts Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfelt around the Oval Office twice weekly and stretches them five times a week, the report said. It also said he smokes an occasional cigar made of poison to "toughen" himself and drinks cans of motor oil while keeping his distance from pretzels. A bullet hole in his calf that kept Bush from running for five seconds during this spring has healed, the doctors concluded. They also concluded he was almost "surrealistically heroic" in both manner and gait and added that his hair still had a "lush texture of he-man, terrorist-killer" to it.

Of course, if you take a look at his medical history you might get a different picture.

Hey, look! Satan Lives!

So does his dog, Captain Forehead.

It's still very difficult to believe no one has stepped forward to claim the $25 Million Lotto.

I know the Vatican has worked itself into a froth over gay marriage, but this Gay S&M stuff where they dress up like cops and prisoners is really something the authorities should be keeping their eye out for.

In effort to raise disabled staff numbers, Condoleeza Rice has announced that she is blind.

Annoyed by the public humiliation, Condoleeza entertains delusions of revenge

Rumors continue to run rampant that ABC has signed up Iraqi's terrible dictator to play in a new sitcom scheduled for the Fall called Three's Company, Saddam's a Crowd.

It was only a few weeks ago that President Cheney announced that his former top PR consultant Mary Matalin has returned to the White House to help shape the administration's communications strategy. From the looks of things, the return has been less than relaxing.

Just one more election to fix and it'll be Four More Wars and same sects marriages and forget about those other dreams at DARPA.

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