California Recall Voter's Guide

"In my hungry fatigue, and shopping for images, I went into the neon fruit supermarket, dreaming of your enumerations!" Allen Ginsberg from
A Supermarket In California

With the deadline for getting on the ballot for the race to be Governor of California's set for this Saturday, the candidates are crawling out of the woodwork like woodworms and termites, one absurdist caricature of democracy after another. This might lead one to wonder "Gee, How Can I run for Governor of California too?"

Well, the requirements are simple, as you would expect considering the calibre of human beings who have already announced their candidacy:

1. You must be at least 18 years of age.
2. You must be a U.S. citizen and be registered to vote in California.
3. You must submit 65 nominating signatures from registered voters of your own party.
4. You also must pay a $3,500 filing fee, or submit 10,000 signatures from voters of any party in lieu of the filing fee.
5. You must file by August 9, 2003.

Geez. Fun AND simple. No wonder there are already 123 candidates jumping for the chance to be the leader of the executive branch of California's government, the Commander in Chief of the state's militia, serve as the liaison between California's state government and the federal government, supervise all executive and ministerial officers, and promote California trade with foreign nations.

While 123 candidates are far too many to list individually, here is your guide to some of Desultory Turgescence's favorite candidates:


1. The Terminator: When he heard the news, James Taranto, editor of the Opinion Journal, a sectarian rag drowning in a fetid pool of its own delusional right-wing demagoguery, could barely contain his erection at the thought of Ahnold making it as Governor of California. Taranto wasn't satisfied with gushing like an infatuated schoolgirl about the possibility. He needed to go further, suggesting the Constitution should be amended to allow foreign-born citizens to serve as president so the Terminator can follow Dubya's second term in 2008.

"Just imagine," Taranto slobbered, "President Schwarzenegger standing astride the world stage, towering over the puny likes of Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder. Those guys would start to long for the good old days of George W. Bush."

Hell, if being James Taranto's personal intimidator or America's house ruffian, is the criteria for being President of the United States, why don't they just name Mr. T the next President? He's just as good an actor as Schwartzenegger and Gary Coleman. He was twice named America's Toughest Bouncer. He was a bodyguard for former three-time heavyweight champion 'Muhammed Ali', and he beat T-cell lymphoma cancer in 2001.

2. Jack Grisham: Frontman for the band TSOL. All you need to know about Jack Grisham as a candidate for political office can be found in the lyrics of his uniquely optimistic perspective on politics:

Abolish Government/Silent Majority

Abolish government
There's nothing to it
Forget about God
He's no innocent
We live by a system
Of perfect goals
People vs. people who are bored and old

Life must rest on the man who represents

Looking for nothing in this
Campus with just friends
President the name
President the label
The highest man on the government table

Hey, how come he's not running for President?

3. Ariana Huffington: Ariana once wrote How To Overthrow The Government. As a reformed Republican, Ariana is the only candidate to have overthrown herself, jumping from Republican idealogue to self-righteous liberal in about the same amount of time it took her former husband, Michael Huffington, to declare himself a homosexual.

4. Lt. Governor Cruz Bustamante: Here's a unique angle: He Makes Everyone Count. He doesn't say how high he wants them to count but he does make them count.

5. Vikramjit S. Bajwa: This is the "no kidding" candidate. Mr. Bajwa is a 42-year-old real estate businessman orginally from Patiala, the historical city of Punjab, no kidding, who immigrated to the United States in 1981. At the top of his list of issues is to get auto insurance for all illegal residents. No kidding. Oh yeah, if you want to give him a call, you can reach him at 1-877-PUNJAB. No kidding. Call him. Ask him if he wants to hang out, write insurance policies for illegal aliens and listen to some Flamin Hot tunes, a mix of Punjabi and the Hindi, original songs with the club classic sounds of RnB, Hip-Hop, Garage and Bhangra.

6. Gary Coleman: Why not a guy who appeared on tv court in front of Judge Mills Lane and was ordered to pay bus driver Tracy Fields $1665 for hospital bills resulting from a fight stemming from an attempt to get an autograph in a Hawthorne, California mall. Gary said he felt threatened by her insistence and punched her in the head. Sounds like he won't have to spend much time at Bush's School of Preemptive Diplomacy. If he doesn't make Governor, maybe he will get nominated as Secretary of Defense security guard.

7. Gallagher: Possibly the most annoying and untalented comedian in the history of America whose "comedy" involves a "real genius" of imagination. Stuff like smashing innocuous fruit products with a sledgehammer. In reality, Gallagher is the poster child for euthanasia.

8. Larry Flynt: This should just about sum up his chances: The People Vs. Larry Flynt.

9. Governor Gray Davis: Who?

10. One person you won't see running for Governor any more is the architect behind getting the ball of chaos rolling in the first place, is car thief cum religious zealot cry baby, Darrell Issa. Issa, a wealthy conservative Republican who spent $1.7 million to fuel the petition drive leading to the recall election, tearfully dropped out of the race after generating no enthusiasm for his own candidacy. With his voice breaking and tears in his eyes, the Lebanese-American millionaire said he thought his best bet was to remain in Congress and work for peace in the Middle East.

"I was elected to work on issues of national importance, and it's my desire ..." he said, starting to cry. "It's my desire, it's my desire .. to see that the recall continues, that Gray Davis is recalled and that California has a brighter day where satanists aren't killing babies in the womb and Jesus is the Lt. Governor"