BUSH URGES DONORS NOT TO 'SHORTCHANGE' HALIBURTON
WASHINGTON, Jan. 10 - President Jesus Bush pledged Monday that the United States would stay committed over the long term to helping the Asian nations recovering from the tsunami last month so long as everyone else paid for it, and he asked that Americans not let their contributions to the relief effort replace their charitable giving to Haliburton and other needy defence contractors that form an intricate part of the Administration's foreign policy.
In a speech to officials of the Agency for International Development and other relief groups, Mr. Bush said his administration recognized that the recovery from the disaster would take years. Is it really worth it? After all, the bottom line is, where's the oil in it for me?
"This is one of those projects that's not going to happen overnight, and probably isn't worth the trouble since alot of Moozlim turrists were killt in the tsunami" the president said in remarks at the Ronald Reagan Building near the White House. "We should be happy it wasn't us. God spared us because we are a Democratic nation and because we love him. The intense scrutiny may dissipate, and probably will, but our focus has got to stay on the killing that WE do, not the killing that God and Nature does."
But Mr. Bush, reacting to concerns from charitable groups that the outpouring of private aid to the tsunami victims might hurt donations to other relief efforts, asked Americans not to "shortchange" Halburton and other defence contractors just to feed a few of "those people over there".
"It is essential that your contribution not replace the ongoing contributions you're making to help our good friends the war profiteers," Mr. Bush said. "You should view the tsunami relief effort as something to do ONLY if you have given all the rest of your spare money to us to help us kill and help us wallow in blood and oil."
With more than $2 billion pledged to the Asian countries affected by the tsunami, senior officials at the World Bank and the United Nations said Monday that they are meeting with aid officials from wealthy governments this week to ask them not to forget the needs of the rest of the world.
"The aid for the tsunami victims has to be new, additional funds, absolutely," said James Adams, vice president of the World Bank, in a telephone interview. "But we have alot of people to kill and this crisis just takes the eye off the ball for the rest of us. It's time to move on and get back to focusing on killing terrorists."
*****
100 Things We Didn't Know This Time Last Year, courtesy of the BBC, the greatest blasphemers on television.
My top five:
In Heaven, There Is No Beer
#41. Twenty years ago, seven out of every 10 pints drunk in the UK were ale. Now, thanks to the rise of lager, stout and cider, the number is just three. Boooo. Too many tasteless drunken yobs are consuming...
A Toss or A Pint for lunch?
#63. Just one in a hundred workers goes to the pub for their lunch, according to a study. The same proportion spend lunch having sex. more.
Mini 9/11s
#76. More than one BILLION birds crash into buildings in the US every year. Mirrored office blocks are a particular hazard.
Stupid Holiday Drunk Tricks
#39. More Brits die each year falling from their hotel balcony than do in diving accidents, according to Foreign Office statistics.
Gimme More
#18. There are 75 withdrawals from cash machines every second in the UK. (how many are actually legal withdrawls?) more.
*****
In case you were wondering, Houston is the Fattest City in America.
dinsdag, januari 11, 2005
zondag, januari 09, 2005
Krazy Kim Strikes Again
"People who wear other's style of dress and live in other's style will become fools and that nation will come to ruin." --Nodong Sinmun newspaper
You have to give General Kim Jong Il credit, not even the Christian nutters that litter the ideology of the Bush Administration have spoken out against long hair yet, but North Korea, having discovered the enemy within, are now making an effort to kill it.
That enemy is bad haircuts.
Pyongyang television started the campaign against long hair last autumn with a five-part series in its regular TV Common Sense programme.
The programme allowed men aged over 50 seven centimetres of upper hair to cover balding.
It stressed the "negative effects" of long hair on "human intelligence development", noting that long hair "consumes a great deal of nutrition" and could thus rob the brain of energy.
Men should get a haircut every 15 days, it recommended.
The North Korean Barbers Union is said to be ecstatic.
*****
Someone with FAR too much free time on their hands decided to dial the infamous 867-5309 number of "Jenny" using all the area codes of America. via Fimoculous
*****
Fancy yourself a linguist? Have a go at reading the News in Spanglés via the ever-enticing growabrain.
*****
Happy to find yet another confrère in the War on Celine Dion. The Best Page In the Universe says: "I didn't think it was possible for me to hate Celine Dion anymore than I already did until I saw the cover of her newest album and accompanying calendar for the modern "grrrl power" super-bitch who finds solace in Dion's brash self-righteous smuggery. Alas, I used some restraint and narrowed the list down to eleven."
Here they are:
*****
Religious Nutters Spring From Their Pods In England
Bad enough that the anti-Evolutionist, pickup-driving, white-hood-wearing, anti-sex-and-nudity-spewing, Bush-loving, gay-bashing, freedom-of-speech-defying, hate-mongering right wing lunatic fringe of Christians have destroyed America, now their filthy tentacles have wriggled their way into the BBC as they piss and moan about the BBC's screening of Jerry Springer - The Opera offending their fragile little religious sensibilities with a little sex, foul language and blasphemy.
Of course, as is the case with all religious freaks, it wasn't sufficient to simply exorcise a little democratic privilege of protest, they deemed it necessary to threaten BBC staff as well for good measure. What's next Fatwas for Jesus?
A BBC spokesman has told Reuters "BBC staff and their families have received a significant number of abusive and threatening telephone calls, some of which have been reported to the police as criminal matters."
Numerous calls were made to top executives and some were answered by their children. The corporation is now intercepting the calls before they reach the excutives homes.
The more rational and freedom of speech-loving National Secular Society defended the BBC's right to screen the programme, urging the BBC not to give in to "religious bullies".
Vice-president Terry Sanderson said: "This organised attack is the latest of a series of attempts by religious interests to control what we can see or say in this country."
Desultory Turgescence believes that all fundamentalists of all religious denominations should be beheaded. That way they won't have to hear or see any offensive images or words ever again and their delicate sensitivities won't be violated any more.
Praise Jesus.
"People who wear other's style of dress and live in other's style will become fools and that nation will come to ruin." --Nodong Sinmun newspaper
You have to give General Kim Jong Il credit, not even the Christian nutters that litter the ideology of the Bush Administration have spoken out against long hair yet, but North Korea, having discovered the enemy within, are now making an effort to kill it.
That enemy is bad haircuts.
Pyongyang television started the campaign against long hair last autumn with a five-part series in its regular TV Common Sense programme.
The programme allowed men aged over 50 seven centimetres of upper hair to cover balding.
It stressed the "negative effects" of long hair on "human intelligence development", noting that long hair "consumes a great deal of nutrition" and could thus rob the brain of energy.
Men should get a haircut every 15 days, it recommended.
The North Korean Barbers Union is said to be ecstatic.
*****
Someone with FAR too much free time on their hands decided to dial the infamous 867-5309 number of "Jenny" using all the area codes of America. via Fimoculous
*****
Fancy yourself a linguist? Have a go at reading the News in Spanglés via the ever-enticing growabrain.
*****
Happy to find yet another confrère in the War on Celine Dion. The Best Page In the Universe says: "I didn't think it was possible for me to hate Celine Dion anymore than I already did until I saw the cover of her newest album and accompanying calendar for the modern "grrrl power" super-bitch who finds solace in Dion's brash self-righteous smuggery. Alas, I used some restraint and narrowed the list down to eleven."
Here they are:
*****
Religious Nutters Spring From Their Pods In England
Bad enough that the anti-Evolutionist, pickup-driving, white-hood-wearing, anti-sex-and-nudity-spewing, Bush-loving, gay-bashing, freedom-of-speech-defying, hate-mongering right wing lunatic fringe of Christians have destroyed America, now their filthy tentacles have wriggled their way into the BBC as they piss and moan about the BBC's screening of Jerry Springer - The Opera offending their fragile little religious sensibilities with a little sex, foul language and blasphemy.
Of course, as is the case with all religious freaks, it wasn't sufficient to simply exorcise a little democratic privilege of protest, they deemed it necessary to threaten BBC staff as well for good measure. What's next Fatwas for Jesus?
A BBC spokesman has told Reuters "BBC staff and their families have received a significant number of abusive and threatening telephone calls, some of which have been reported to the police as criminal matters."
Numerous calls were made to top executives and some were answered by their children. The corporation is now intercepting the calls before they reach the excutives homes.
The more rational and freedom of speech-loving National Secular Society defended the BBC's right to screen the programme, urging the BBC not to give in to "religious bullies".
Vice-president Terry Sanderson said: "This organised attack is the latest of a series of attempts by religious interests to control what we can see or say in this country."
Desultory Turgescence believes that all fundamentalists of all religious denominations should be beheaded. That way they won't have to hear or see any offensive images or words ever again and their delicate sensitivities won't be violated any more.
Praise Jesus.
vrijdag, januari 07, 2005
Beer Bottle
In the burned-
out highway
ditch the throw-
away beer
bottle lands
standing up
unbroken,
like a cat
thrown off
of a roof
to kill it,
landing hard
and dazzled
in the sun,
right side up;
sort of a
miracle.
--Ted Kooser. Current Poet Laureate of the United States, from: *Sure Signs: New & Selected Poems*. U Pittsburgh.
Selecting A Reader
First, I would have her be beautiful,
and walking carefully up on my poetry
at the loneliest moment of an afternoon,
her hair still damp at the neck
from washing it. She should be wearing
a raincoat, an old one, dirty
from not having money enough for the cleaners.
She will take out her glasses, and there
in the bookstore, she will thumb
over my poems, then put the book back
up on its shelf. She will say to herself,
"For that kind of money, I can get
my raincoat cleaned." And she will.
In the burned-
out highway
ditch the throw-
away beer
bottle lands
standing up
unbroken,
like a cat
thrown off
of a roof
to kill it,
landing hard
and dazzled
in the sun,
right side up;
sort of a
miracle.
--Ted Kooser. Current Poet Laureate of the United States, from: *Sure Signs: New & Selected Poems*. U Pittsburgh.
Selecting A Reader
First, I would have her be beautiful,
and walking carefully up on my poetry
at the loneliest moment of an afternoon,
her hair still damp at the neck
from washing it. She should be wearing
a raincoat, an old one, dirty
from not having money enough for the cleaners.
She will take out her glasses, and there
in the bookstore, she will thumb
over my poems, then put the book back
up on its shelf. She will say to herself,
"For that kind of money, I can get
my raincoat cleaned." And she will.
zaterdag, januari 01, 2005
HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM DESULTORY TURGESCENCE!
2,000 Dead Swedes Can't Be Wrong
Westboro Baptist Church, made famous for their picketing of the funeral of Mathew Shepard, the young college student brutally murdered in Wyoming in 1998, have issued a flyer which Thanks God for the Tsunami and 2,000 Dead Swedes.
Apparently, the motivation is in believing the 2000 dead Swedes were all gay vacationers and all deserved the wrath of God for being gay.
*****
if you're curious, this is what 135,000 dead look like, via growabrain
*****
Perhaps in deference of the certain deluge of vacationers, Bob's offers a Tsunami Suite. Just note there is "significant" air traffic noise and eroding beach. Otherwise, A-Ok.
And c'mon folks, it's not like this has never happened before. There's even a Tsunami Museum.
Be careful, Tsunami Bomb is loud.
Ahead of their time, Tsunami Addiction even has a spitting room.
Lost remote offers tsunami videos and assorted miscellania for those of you fascinated with those sorts of things.
*****
Poësie
Ok, had enough yet? Have your fill of tsanami this and tsunami that in your gob? If so, it's time to move on to the poetry kit to play with.
If not, well, sate the insatiable somewhere else.
In the meantime, chew this Sylvia Plath bone for the New Year:
New Year on Dartmoor
This is newness : every little tawdry
Obstacle glass-wrapped and peculiar,
Glinting and clinking in a saint's falsetto. Only you
Don't know what to make of the sudden slippiness,
The blind, white, awful, inaccessible slant.
There's no getting up it by the words you know.
No getting up by elephant or wheel or shoe.
We have only come to look. You are too new
To want the world in a glass hat.
*****
Good news for the Ukraine! In case you missed it in watching the tsunami death toll rise or in calculating US Aid, Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich resigned.
*****
Last o' the year Stuff:
My regular read, The Whole Wide World of Fat Buddha has a nice year-ending listing of his personal favourites.
Maud Newton provides the literarti the literary news and the The Literary Saloon provides The Year That Was.
50 Quid Bloke provides The musical year in review: very quickly.
Fimoculous is the ultimate list of Lists for 2004. Hours of unfettered fun.
Wonkette has a list of New Year's Resolutions of the Famous-for-DC.
Watching myself watching television watching television watching television, Radio Free Blogistan offers its Favourite Blogs of 2004.
Plenty of lists, just not enough hours in the day.
Best of luck in 2005 to readers and un-readers, writers, doers, and most importantly, lip synchers.
vrijdag, december 31, 2004
DEAD, DEAD, DEAD
Well we at Desultory Turgescence have heard enough about the dead people and we've heard the word TSUNAMI more times in one week than the entire collective lifetimes previous so
CAN WE GIVE IT A FUCKING REST?
As a tribute to the Gods of Shut The Fuck Up, we leave the following as a New Year's gift. Read the words. They most certainly must be better than the newspapers'.
Small Change
(Got Rained on with His Own .38)
Tom Waits
Well small change got rained on with his own .38
and nobody flinched down by the arcade
and the marquise weren't weeping
they went stark-raving mad
and the cabbies were the only ones
that really had it made
and his cold trousers were twisted,
and the sirens high and shrill
and crumpled in his fist was a five-dollar bill
and the naked mannikins with their
cheshire grins
and the raconteurs
and roustabouts said buddy
come on in
cause the dreams ain't broken down here now
now ...they're walking with a limp
now that
small change got rained on with his own .38"
and nobody flinched down by the arcade
and the burglar alarm's been disconnected
and the newsmen start to rattle
and the cops are tellin' jokes
about some whore house in Seattle
and the fire hydrants plead the 5th Amendment
and the furniture's bargains galore
but the blood is by the jukebox
on an old linoleum floor
and it's a hot rain on 42nd Street
and now the umbrellas ain't got a chance
And the newsboy's a lunatic
with stains on his pants cause
small change got rained on with his own .38
and no one's gone over to close his eyes
and there's a racing form in his pocket
circled "Blue Boots" in the 3rd
and the cashier at the clothing store
he didn't say a word as the
siren tears the night in half
and someone lost his wallet
well it's surveillance of assailants
if that's whatchawannacallit
and the whores hike up their skirts
and fish for drug-store prophylactics
with their mouths cut just like
razor blades and their eyes are like stilettos
and her radiator's steaming
and her teeth are in a wreck
now she won't let you kiss her
but what the hell do you expect
and the Gypsies are tragic and if you
wanna to buy perfume, well
they'll bark you down like
carneys... sell you Christmas cards in June
but...
small change got rained on with his own .38
and his headstone's
a gumball machine
no more chewing gum
or baseball cards or
overcoats or dreams and
someone is hosing down the sidewalk
and he's only in his teens
small change got rained on with his own .38
and a fistful of dollars can't change that
and someone copped his watch fob
and someone got his ring
and the newsboy got his porkpie Stetson hat
and the tuberculosis old men
at the Nelson wheeze and cough
and someone will head south
until this whole thing cools off cause
small change got rained on with his own .38
yea small change got rained on with his own .38
Well we at Desultory Turgescence have heard enough about the dead people and we've heard the word TSUNAMI more times in one week than the entire collective lifetimes previous so
CAN WE GIVE IT A FUCKING REST?
As a tribute to the Gods of Shut The Fuck Up, we leave the following as a New Year's gift. Read the words. They most certainly must be better than the newspapers'.
Small Change
(Got Rained on with His Own .38)
Tom Waits
Well small change got rained on with his own .38
and nobody flinched down by the arcade
and the marquise weren't weeping
they went stark-raving mad
and the cabbies were the only ones
that really had it made
and his cold trousers were twisted,
and the sirens high and shrill
and crumpled in his fist was a five-dollar bill
and the naked mannikins with their
cheshire grins
and the raconteurs
and roustabouts said buddy
come on in
cause the dreams ain't broken down here now
now ...they're walking with a limp
now that
small change got rained on with his own .38"
and nobody flinched down by the arcade
and the burglar alarm's been disconnected
and the newsmen start to rattle
and the cops are tellin' jokes
about some whore house in Seattle
and the fire hydrants plead the 5th Amendment
and the furniture's bargains galore
but the blood is by the jukebox
on an old linoleum floor
and it's a hot rain on 42nd Street
and now the umbrellas ain't got a chance
And the newsboy's a lunatic
with stains on his pants cause
small change got rained on with his own .38
and no one's gone over to close his eyes
and there's a racing form in his pocket
circled "Blue Boots" in the 3rd
and the cashier at the clothing store
he didn't say a word as the
siren tears the night in half
and someone lost his wallet
well it's surveillance of assailants
if that's whatchawannacallit
and the whores hike up their skirts
and fish for drug-store prophylactics
with their mouths cut just like
razor blades and their eyes are like stilettos
and her radiator's steaming
and her teeth are in a wreck
now she won't let you kiss her
but what the hell do you expect
and the Gypsies are tragic and if you
wanna to buy perfume, well
they'll bark you down like
carneys... sell you Christmas cards in June
but...
small change got rained on with his own .38
and his headstone's
a gumball machine
no more chewing gum
or baseball cards or
overcoats or dreams and
someone is hosing down the sidewalk
and he's only in his teens
small change got rained on with his own .38
and a fistful of dollars can't change that
and someone copped his watch fob
and someone got his ring
and the newsboy got his porkpie Stetson hat
and the tuberculosis old men
at the Nelson wheeze and cough
and someone will head south
until this whole thing cools off cause
small change got rained on with his own .38
yea small change got rained on with his own .38
maandag, december 27, 2004
God Still Stronger Than Terrorists
In a vain attempt to prove to the world that he is still a greater killer of human beings than any terrorist or groups of terrorists, God created a Special Xmas Present to Asia in the form of an earthquake and resultant tsunamis that killed at least 15,000 people.
A video posted by Heaven yesterday purported to show yesterday's earthquake and tsunamis as an act by "your loving creator" to prove to other nonbelievers that God is still the ultimate terrorist.
The man dressed as God in the center reads a statement describing how and why the attack of earthquake and tsunamis was be carried out.
"On or about christmas, the operation will be carried out. Let Bush, Blair and even the terrorists know that whilst they aim to kill as many of my creations on earth as possible, only I am the greatest killer of all!
Witnesses in the eastern Sri Lankan port city Trincomalee reported God blowing 14 meter (40-foot) waves hitting inland as far as a kilometer (0.6 miles).
The Sri Lankan government declared a state of emergency, and, along with the government of the Maldives, has requested international assistance, the United Nations' Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs reported.
A White House statement, issued aboard Air Force One en route to Texas from Washington, said "the president expresses his sincere condolences" over the "terrible loss of life and suffering" caused by God in using earthquake and tidal waves that hit six countries to spread his message of being the greatest terrorist facing mankind.
"But God loves us all," President Jesus Bush continued "and is only trying to teach us to be humble before him."
Hopefully, the terrorists on both sides of the equation will get the message.
In a vain attempt to prove to the world that he is still a greater killer of human beings than any terrorist or groups of terrorists, God created a Special Xmas Present to Asia in the form of an earthquake and resultant tsunamis that killed at least 15,000 people.
A video posted by Heaven yesterday purported to show yesterday's earthquake and tsunamis as an act by "your loving creator" to prove to other nonbelievers that God is still the ultimate terrorist.
The man dressed as God in the center reads a statement describing how and why the attack of earthquake and tsunamis was be carried out.
"On or about christmas, the operation will be carried out. Let Bush, Blair and even the terrorists know that whilst they aim to kill as many of my creations on earth as possible, only I am the greatest killer of all!
Witnesses in the eastern Sri Lankan port city Trincomalee reported God blowing 14 meter (40-foot) waves hitting inland as far as a kilometer (0.6 miles).
The Sri Lankan government declared a state of emergency, and, along with the government of the Maldives, has requested international assistance, the United Nations' Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs reported.
A White House statement, issued aboard Air Force One en route to Texas from Washington, said "the president expresses his sincere condolences" over the "terrible loss of life and suffering" caused by God in using earthquake and tidal waves that hit six countries to spread his message of being the greatest terrorist facing mankind.
"But God loves us all," President Jesus Bush continued "and is only trying to teach us to be humble before him."
Hopefully, the terrorists on both sides of the equation will get the message.
maandag, december 20, 2004
Chimp Signed Condolence Letters
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has decided to personally sign condolence letters to the family members of U.S. troops killed in action rather than letting a chimp affix his signature.
Republican and Democratic members of Congress criticized the embattled Pentagon chief on Sunday for not signing the letters himself all along.
"My goodness, that’s the least that we could expect of the secretary of defense, is having some personal attention paid by him," said Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb., noting that President Bush at least holds the pen for the chimp when the chimps signs his letters.
"If the president of the United States can find time to hold the pen for the chimp, why can’t the Secretary of Defense?" Hagel, a Vietnam veteran, asked on CBS’ “Face the Nation.”
In a statement Friday, Rumsfeld announced the change in policy and said more than 1,000 condolence letters had gone out to relatives of Americans killed in military action during the global fight against terrorism.
"It isn't my fault these troops are dying too fast to sign these letters myself," Rumsfeld complained bitterly at an impromptu press conference. "I'm a busy man. Maybe if our boys in Iraq were doing a better job of staying alive, there wouldn't be so many condolence letters to write and I could sign them myself." Rumsfeld said in the statement.
"I am deeply grateful for the many letters I have received from the families of those who have been killed in the service of our country, and I recognize and honor their personal loss," he said. "But really, what's dead is dead. Does it really matter if I sign the letters or a chimp signs the letters?"
The statement, which was reported Friday by the military newspaper, Stars & Stripes, did not specifically refer to troops killed in Iraq, though family members of soldiers who died there told the newspaper they were angry with Rumsfeld’s signature that appeared like a child's scribbling and letters which were covered with chimp excrement. More than 1,300 American troops have died since the war began in March 2003.
Messages left with the Pentagon about the criticism from lawmakers were not immediately returned Sunday. The Pentagon is busy fighting a war and doesn't have time to answer to anyone.
Sen. Jack Reed, D-R.I., a West Point graduate, said Rumsfeld’s failure to sign letters himself until now displayed "his lack of leadership styles that are appropriate for the military. Perhaps we should have the chimp act as Secretary of Defence. He certainly can't do any worse..."
Rep. Roy Blunt of Missouri, the third-ranking Republican in the House said on CNN’s “Late Edition” that "signing the letter is a mechanical but an important thing. If a chimp signs the letter, even a chimp who appears concerned about the rapidly mounting death tolls in Iraq, it just isn't the same as having Mr Rumsfeld sign them."
The signature flap was the latest in a stinging string of criticism in recent weeks of the defense secretary’s handling of the war in Iraq.
Several leading Republicans, including Hagel and Sens. Trent Lott of Mississippi and John McCain of Arizona have said they have lost confidence in Rumsfeld and that the chimp should replace him.
But Rumsfeld, who agreed to Bush’s request earlier this month to remain in the Cabinet during the president’s second term, won a vote of confidence from Bush chief of staff Andrew Card on Sunday.
"Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a spectacular job," Card told ABC’s “This Week.”
"If he misses a letter or two, well, that's why the chimp is there. Fighting terrorism is hard work and if you don't like a chimp signing your condolence letters, then maybe you'd better just give up now and let the terrorists win."
Meanwhile, President Jesus Bush defended Rumsfeld and said he was "a very caring fellow."
"I have heard his voice and seen his eyes when we talk about the danger in Iraq and the fact that youngsters are over there in harm's way," Bush said at a White House news conference. "He loves Jesus and he loves chimps and he hates terrorists and that's all that really matters."
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has decided to personally sign condolence letters to the family members of U.S. troops killed in action rather than letting a chimp affix his signature.
Republican and Democratic members of Congress criticized the embattled Pentagon chief on Sunday for not signing the letters himself all along.
"My goodness, that’s the least that we could expect of the secretary of defense, is having some personal attention paid by him," said Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb., noting that President Bush at least holds the pen for the chimp when the chimps signs his letters.
"If the president of the United States can find time to hold the pen for the chimp, why can’t the Secretary of Defense?" Hagel, a Vietnam veteran, asked on CBS’ “Face the Nation.”
In a statement Friday, Rumsfeld announced the change in policy and said more than 1,000 condolence letters had gone out to relatives of Americans killed in military action during the global fight against terrorism.
"It isn't my fault these troops are dying too fast to sign these letters myself," Rumsfeld complained bitterly at an impromptu press conference. "I'm a busy man. Maybe if our boys in Iraq were doing a better job of staying alive, there wouldn't be so many condolence letters to write and I could sign them myself." Rumsfeld said in the statement.
"I am deeply grateful for the many letters I have received from the families of those who have been killed in the service of our country, and I recognize and honor their personal loss," he said. "But really, what's dead is dead. Does it really matter if I sign the letters or a chimp signs the letters?"
The statement, which was reported Friday by the military newspaper, Stars & Stripes, did not specifically refer to troops killed in Iraq, though family members of soldiers who died there told the newspaper they were angry with Rumsfeld’s signature that appeared like a child's scribbling and letters which were covered with chimp excrement. More than 1,300 American troops have died since the war began in March 2003.
Messages left with the Pentagon about the criticism from lawmakers were not immediately returned Sunday. The Pentagon is busy fighting a war and doesn't have time to answer to anyone.
Sen. Jack Reed, D-R.I., a West Point graduate, said Rumsfeld’s failure to sign letters himself until now displayed "his lack of leadership styles that are appropriate for the military. Perhaps we should have the chimp act as Secretary of Defence. He certainly can't do any worse..."
Rep. Roy Blunt of Missouri, the third-ranking Republican in the House said on CNN’s “Late Edition” that "signing the letter is a mechanical but an important thing. If a chimp signs the letter, even a chimp who appears concerned about the rapidly mounting death tolls in Iraq, it just isn't the same as having Mr Rumsfeld sign them."
The signature flap was the latest in a stinging string of criticism in recent weeks of the defense secretary’s handling of the war in Iraq.
Several leading Republicans, including Hagel and Sens. Trent Lott of Mississippi and John McCain of Arizona have said they have lost confidence in Rumsfeld and that the chimp should replace him.
But Rumsfeld, who agreed to Bush’s request earlier this month to remain in the Cabinet during the president’s second term, won a vote of confidence from Bush chief of staff Andrew Card on Sunday.
"Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a spectacular job," Card told ABC’s “This Week.”
"If he misses a letter or two, well, that's why the chimp is there. Fighting terrorism is hard work and if you don't like a chimp signing your condolence letters, then maybe you'd better just give up now and let the terrorists win."
Meanwhile, President Jesus Bush defended Rumsfeld and said he was "a very caring fellow."
"I have heard his voice and seen his eyes when we talk about the danger in Iraq and the fact that youngsters are over there in harm's way," Bush said at a White House news conference. "He loves Jesus and he loves chimps and he hates terrorists and that's all that really matters."
woensdag, december 15, 2004
The Wedding of Everything
Today looks much like
the rest: simple,
a handy kind of day,
a meat and potatoes day.
The bright buildings of the past
are launched upward
into an unrumpled sky,ordinary
beyond our wildest dreams.
Personality takes off
into the blue. No mail
today: things: everything
groping towards us
like 3-D. Oranges
as orange as crayons.
A moldy piece of bread.
Junk. And the birds
will sing sing sing.
I can almost understand
a day like this.
My troubles seem so puny.
Delicious day, I will eat you up
like a mountain of white cake,
chunk by chunk.
I got new shoe laces.
My feet slip into my shoes
over and over again.
So easy. Everything
pleasing me, sliding down
my throat(those soft
boiled eggs) the way I slide
into this day. CRACK!
That's what I mean.
CRACK! the way a baseball
smacks a bat. And THUMP,
the way it snuggles into a mitt.
A day is as a day does,
and this day, like the rest,
is leaving, and everything
grows sleepy.
The sun rises into a place
in the sky, and leaves;
and behind it leaves
a blind spot:
the purple sun, blooming,
cut down and tossed like a bouquet.
Congratulations, everything.
Bob Flanagan, _The Wedding of Everything_, 1983.
Today looks much like
the rest: simple,
a handy kind of day,
a meat and potatoes day.
The bright buildings of the past
are launched upward
into an unrumpled sky,ordinary
beyond our wildest dreams.
Personality takes off
into the blue. No mail
today: things: everything
groping towards us
like 3-D. Oranges
as orange as crayons.
A moldy piece of bread.
Junk. And the birds
will sing sing sing.
I can almost understand
a day like this.
My troubles seem so puny.
Delicious day, I will eat you up
like a mountain of white cake,
chunk by chunk.
I got new shoe laces.
My feet slip into my shoes
over and over again.
So easy. Everything
pleasing me, sliding down
my throat(those soft
boiled eggs) the way I slide
into this day. CRACK!
That's what I mean.
CRACK! the way a baseball
smacks a bat. And THUMP,
the way it snuggles into a mitt.
A day is as a day does,
and this day, like the rest,
is leaving, and everything
grows sleepy.
The sun rises into a place
in the sky, and leaves;
and behind it leaves
a blind spot:
the purple sun, blooming,
cut down and tossed like a bouquet.
Congratulations, everything.
Bob Flanagan, _The Wedding of Everything_, 1983.
maandag, december 13, 2004
Bush Is 'Fit for Hypothetical Duty' After Physical
BETHESDA, Md. -- President Jesus Bush was found in good health and pronounced "fit for hypothetical duty" after an unusual physical Saturday that also showed that the 58-year-old chief executive is now, as he rather sheepishly conceded, "a little overweight" due to all the rocks in his head.
"Of course, the rocks in my head cause my overall weight to be higher than it should be," said the usually trim Bush, who pledged to have some of the rocks surgically removed in the new year. "But other than being generally stupid, having no idea what kind of disaster I've let America in for and being far too smug about my own greatness, I feel great," he said upon leaving the National Naval Medical Center outside Washington.
The checkup, which took about three minutes, found a few minor issues, according to a summary released later Saturday by the White House and reaffirmed that hypothetically speaking, if Bush had to don combat fatigues and fling himself personally into the Invasion of Iraq, and provided he wasn't too scared or inconvenienced to bother, he could probably do so.
Bush's overall IQ decreased slightly, to 11 from it's previous high of 15 at his August 2003 physical, but he saw a large rise in his level of self-asteem and a drop in his concern that the invasion of Iraq was an enormous mistake that continues to cost thousands of innocent people their lives, or far more than if evil Saddam were still running Iraq.
A small lesion named John Kerry was removed from his left shoulder in November. The doctors said it appeared benign, but ordered a biopsy from which results would be available within a week. They also recommended that other lesions, like democratic Congressmen observed on his face be removed with liquid nitrogen over the holidays.
Some previous health problems were noted to continue: a mild high frequency hearing loss that does not allow him to hear any opinion's but those at the pitch of Dick Cheney's voice and an optic condition that doesn't allow him to see anything but visions of Jesus Christ and causes him to occasionally use reading glasses to consult the bible with. The hearing and vision exams were conducted at the White House late last month, the statement said.
Otherwise, Bush was pronounced to be in a "Jesus-Like" fitness category -- or the top fifth percentile -- for men his age, the statement said. Still capable of defeating terrorists at every turn, hypothetically speaking, of course.
His resting pulse rate, though at 52 beats per minute higher than last year's 45, still marks him as a healthy lover of Jesus. His resting blood pressure remained healthy at 110/60, lower than even the blood pressure of terrorists before they blow themselves up.
The checkup, usually scheduled for summertime, was delayed for four months because Bush was afraid it might reveal information the terrorists could use to destroy America.
Presiding over the medical exam were White House physician Richard Tubb and Dr. Kenneth Cooper, the president of the Cooper Aerobics Center. Also involved were a hypnotist, vantriloquist, radiologist, optometrist, sports physician, hearing specialist, skin specialist, cardiologist and others.
At nearly 6 feet tall, the Bush weight increased to almost 200 pounds from 194 pounds 17 months ago. His body fat percentage increased to 18.25 percent from 14.5 percent. Bush, a devoted bible fanatic who prides himself on burning calories through Christ, seemed to take the gain hard.
"My New Year's resolution has become apparent after getting on the scales," Bush said. "More love for Jesus and more hate for terrorists. I can't fight terrorism if I'm flabby and Jesus doesn't love fat people, so I fully intend to lose some inches off my waistline and some pounds off my frame."
BETHESDA, Md. -- President Jesus Bush was found in good health and pronounced "fit for hypothetical duty" after an unusual physical Saturday that also showed that the 58-year-old chief executive is now, as he rather sheepishly conceded, "a little overweight" due to all the rocks in his head.
"Of course, the rocks in my head cause my overall weight to be higher than it should be," said the usually trim Bush, who pledged to have some of the rocks surgically removed in the new year. "But other than being generally stupid, having no idea what kind of disaster I've let America in for and being far too smug about my own greatness, I feel great," he said upon leaving the National Naval Medical Center outside Washington.
The checkup, which took about three minutes, found a few minor issues, according to a summary released later Saturday by the White House and reaffirmed that hypothetically speaking, if Bush had to don combat fatigues and fling himself personally into the Invasion of Iraq, and provided he wasn't too scared or inconvenienced to bother, he could probably do so.
Bush's overall IQ decreased slightly, to 11 from it's previous high of 15 at his August 2003 physical, but he saw a large rise in his level of self-asteem and a drop in his concern that the invasion of Iraq was an enormous mistake that continues to cost thousands of innocent people their lives, or far more than if evil Saddam were still running Iraq.
A small lesion named John Kerry was removed from his left shoulder in November. The doctors said it appeared benign, but ordered a biopsy from which results would be available within a week. They also recommended that other lesions, like democratic Congressmen observed on his face be removed with liquid nitrogen over the holidays.
Some previous health problems were noted to continue: a mild high frequency hearing loss that does not allow him to hear any opinion's but those at the pitch of Dick Cheney's voice and an optic condition that doesn't allow him to see anything but visions of Jesus Christ and causes him to occasionally use reading glasses to consult the bible with. The hearing and vision exams were conducted at the White House late last month, the statement said.
Otherwise, Bush was pronounced to be in a "Jesus-Like" fitness category -- or the top fifth percentile -- for men his age, the statement said. Still capable of defeating terrorists at every turn, hypothetically speaking, of course.
His resting pulse rate, though at 52 beats per minute higher than last year's 45, still marks him as a healthy lover of Jesus. His resting blood pressure remained healthy at 110/60, lower than even the blood pressure of terrorists before they blow themselves up.
The checkup, usually scheduled for summertime, was delayed for four months because Bush was afraid it might reveal information the terrorists could use to destroy America.
Presiding over the medical exam were White House physician Richard Tubb and Dr. Kenneth Cooper, the president of the Cooper Aerobics Center. Also involved were a hypnotist, vantriloquist, radiologist, optometrist, sports physician, hearing specialist, skin specialist, cardiologist and others.
At nearly 6 feet tall, the Bush weight increased to almost 200 pounds from 194 pounds 17 months ago. His body fat percentage increased to 18.25 percent from 14.5 percent. Bush, a devoted bible fanatic who prides himself on burning calories through Christ, seemed to take the gain hard.
"My New Year's resolution has become apparent after getting on the scales," Bush said. "More love for Jesus and more hate for terrorists. I can't fight terrorism if I'm flabby and Jesus doesn't love fat people, so I fully intend to lose some inches off my waistline and some pounds off my frame."
zaterdag, december 11, 2004
SWANSEA FRY COOK
When I see a fixation, I avert my eyes.
I don’t like chewing bones,
I like cutting with a knife and not drawing blood,
If possible, the charges will be reversed.
Don’t you always think
THIS
Is the best moment, for ever and ever
And by the morning you’re busy rubbing
Runny eggs from your eyes,
Dirty, covered in film
But not IN the film,
Standing at the door with your documents
Waiting to be an extra.
I did, but my phrenologist thought better of it.
I did too, but it didn’t relieve the pressure.
I keep telling him I’m somebody,
But then can’t tell him who.
Wear your clothes on the outside,
Otherwise, nobody notices.
After all these years of reading this,
You begin to wonder what it’s about.
Why would I know?
Have I held its leash?
Do I feed it?
How often was it bathed?
When you’re broken in two,
Which is the better half and how
do you tell the other that it failed?
"I have seen many days", he says
with stentorian certainty.
It’s almost a threat and he might
Have even curled his lip.
But I was busy with the omelette,
Breaking eggs.
--Jaap Stilj origineel.
When I see a fixation, I avert my eyes.
I don’t like chewing bones,
I like cutting with a knife and not drawing blood,
If possible, the charges will be reversed.
Don’t you always think
THIS
Is the best moment, for ever and ever
And by the morning you’re busy rubbing
Runny eggs from your eyes,
Dirty, covered in film
But not IN the film,
Standing at the door with your documents
Waiting to be an extra.
I did, but my phrenologist thought better of it.
I did too, but it didn’t relieve the pressure.
I keep telling him I’m somebody,
But then can’t tell him who.
Wear your clothes on the outside,
Otherwise, nobody notices.
After all these years of reading this,
You begin to wonder what it’s about.
Why would I know?
Have I held its leash?
Do I feed it?
How often was it bathed?
When you’re broken in two,
Which is the better half and how
do you tell the other that it failed?
"I have seen many days", he says
with stentorian certainty.
It’s almost a threat and he might
Have even curled his lip.
But I was busy with the omelette,
Breaking eggs.
--Jaap Stilj origineel.
vrijdag, december 10, 2004
Confessions of an Individual
I let history happen--sorry. When Muslims and
Christians fought in the Crusades, I didn't stop it;
the Egyptians and Jews clashed and my efforts were not
sufficient to prevent that. Remote effects from these
disasters still exist, and I have not erased them.
My ancestors were busy cutting hay, planting potatoes,
and so on. True, they probably spent a lot of time drinking
and talking, and let that go on for years--I can't deny it.
On the other hand, a group of people discovered wheat,
corn, smelting of iron, prevention of disease, and I didn't
help very much. Heroic actions took place, and I didn't
even take the trouble to be there.
Now I am taking the time to think about all this and
write it down. And you are taking the time to read it.
--William Stafford. *An Oregon Message*. Harper & Row, 1987.
I let history happen--sorry. When Muslims and
Christians fought in the Crusades, I didn't stop it;
the Egyptians and Jews clashed and my efforts were not
sufficient to prevent that. Remote effects from these
disasters still exist, and I have not erased them.
My ancestors were busy cutting hay, planting potatoes,
and so on. True, they probably spent a lot of time drinking
and talking, and let that go on for years--I can't deny it.
On the other hand, a group of people discovered wheat,
corn, smelting of iron, prevention of disease, and I didn't
help very much. Heroic actions took place, and I didn't
even take the trouble to be there.
Now I am taking the time to think about all this and
write it down. And you are taking the time to read it.
--William Stafford. *An Oregon Message*. Harper & Row, 1987.
donderdag, december 09, 2004
Troops, Short of Food, Try to Grill Rumsfeld
No McDonalds In Baghdad Means No Big Macs For Troops
US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld was nearly captured and grilled when he visited a crowd of hungry troops about to face combat in Iraq.
Mr Rumsfeld was at Camp Buehring, Kuwait, to deliver a pep-talk to soldiers about the significance of the task ahead of them but instead found an angry mob of troops protesting the absence of McDonalds in both Kuwait and Baghdad and threatened that they wouldn't fight without Big Macs.
Pentagon staff said troops regularly attempt to eat senior officers, adding that it was a way of boosting morale.
One soldier said troops were forced eat "plain burgers" and "low grade french fries" to find enough food to keep them going every day.
"Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for scraps of food when you could slap up a McDonalds and have us eating in Big Macs in style again?" Army Spc Thomas Pudderman asked.
"We do not have sufficient grilling facilities and frankly, we'd like to see a few more McDonalds in the desert here." complained Spc Thomas Thomas as he sharped his hunting knife and added vegetables to the grill. "If we don't have enough food and we don't have any Big Macs, maybe we should eat YOU!"
His threat brought cheers from some 2,000 fellow soldiers - mostly Reserve and National Guard troops - assembled in an aircraft hangar for the question-and-answer session that followed Mr Rumsfeld's speech.
Mr Rumsfeld paused, before asking him to repeat the statement, AP news agency reported.
Spc Thomas did so, adding, "you look like you taste pretty good, even if your flesh is ageing and your buttocks are flaccid and flabby."
"You eat whatever you have to eat in army," Mr Rumsfeld replied. "But I've tasted myself and frankly, I don't taste very good."
Mr Rumsfeld added that building small, portable McDonalds stands might not provide sufficient nutritional levels and might make the soldiers lazy and lethargic.
"McDonalds is not really an ideal substitute for good, healthy food. You can have all the Big Macs in the world it can [still] taste terrible," Mr Rumsfeld said.
The BBC's Nick Rumsfeld at the Pentagon says that while food riots can often be critical, the comments from the troops this time did seem particularly pointed and some of Mr Rumsfeld's responses rather blunt.
Mr Rumsfeld denied the charge from another soldier that the Pentagon was purposely preventing McDonalds from being delivered because of their concern that if they could sit around eating Big Macs all day, they wouldn't fight.
Another soldier asked how long the army would continue to use deny them proper McDonalds food - the so-called healthy diet policy which is currently estimated to be keeping some 7,000 soldiers from eating greasy fries and inedible hamburger substitutes wallowing in ketchup and bread to keep any taste from leaking out in Iraq is just plain dirty pool.
Mr Rumsfeld said this was simply a fact of life for soldiers at time of war.
"It's basically a sound principle, it's nothing new, it's been well understood" by soldiers, he said. "Junk food is bad, eating roots and fibers is good."
"My guess is you will not see a McDonalds for many years to come. They simply won't build new franchises in an atmosphere of chaos."
At one point Mr Rumsfeld's voice broke as he delivered prepared comments to troops before the question-and-answer session.
"You know there are those who see the violence taking place in Iraq... and they say McDonalds will never come to Baghdad," he said. "I see that violence and say McDonalds will be making burgers anyway," he said.
Pentagon officials are likely to be concerned because the questions were being asked by troops about to head for the front line.
Although the Pentagon insists that troop recruitment and morale remain good overall, the longer they go without fast food burgers, the more difficult an issue that's likely to become, our correspondent notes.
No McDonalds In Baghdad Means No Big Macs For Troops
US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld was nearly captured and grilled when he visited a crowd of hungry troops about to face combat in Iraq.
Mr Rumsfeld was at Camp Buehring, Kuwait, to deliver a pep-talk to soldiers about the significance of the task ahead of them but instead found an angry mob of troops protesting the absence of McDonalds in both Kuwait and Baghdad and threatened that they wouldn't fight without Big Macs.
Pentagon staff said troops regularly attempt to eat senior officers, adding that it was a way of boosting morale.
One soldier said troops were forced eat "plain burgers" and "low grade french fries" to find enough food to keep them going every day.
"Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for scraps of food when you could slap up a McDonalds and have us eating in Big Macs in style again?" Army Spc Thomas Pudderman asked.
"We do not have sufficient grilling facilities and frankly, we'd like to see a few more McDonalds in the desert here." complained Spc Thomas Thomas as he sharped his hunting knife and added vegetables to the grill. "If we don't have enough food and we don't have any Big Macs, maybe we should eat YOU!"
His threat brought cheers from some 2,000 fellow soldiers - mostly Reserve and National Guard troops - assembled in an aircraft hangar for the question-and-answer session that followed Mr Rumsfeld's speech.
Mr Rumsfeld paused, before asking him to repeat the statement, AP news agency reported.
Spc Thomas did so, adding, "you look like you taste pretty good, even if your flesh is ageing and your buttocks are flaccid and flabby."
"You eat whatever you have to eat in army," Mr Rumsfeld replied. "But I've tasted myself and frankly, I don't taste very good."
Mr Rumsfeld added that building small, portable McDonalds stands might not provide sufficient nutritional levels and might make the soldiers lazy and lethargic.
"McDonalds is not really an ideal substitute for good, healthy food. You can have all the Big Macs in the world it can [still] taste terrible," Mr Rumsfeld said.
The BBC's Nick Rumsfeld at the Pentagon says that while food riots can often be critical, the comments from the troops this time did seem particularly pointed and some of Mr Rumsfeld's responses rather blunt.
Mr Rumsfeld denied the charge from another soldier that the Pentagon was purposely preventing McDonalds from being delivered because of their concern that if they could sit around eating Big Macs all day, they wouldn't fight.
Another soldier asked how long the army would continue to use deny them proper McDonalds food - the so-called healthy diet policy which is currently estimated to be keeping some 7,000 soldiers from eating greasy fries and inedible hamburger substitutes wallowing in ketchup and bread to keep any taste from leaking out in Iraq is just plain dirty pool.
Mr Rumsfeld said this was simply a fact of life for soldiers at time of war.
"It's basically a sound principle, it's nothing new, it's been well understood" by soldiers, he said. "Junk food is bad, eating roots and fibers is good."
"My guess is you will not see a McDonalds for many years to come. They simply won't build new franchises in an atmosphere of chaos."
At one point Mr Rumsfeld's voice broke as he delivered prepared comments to troops before the question-and-answer session.
"You know there are those who see the violence taking place in Iraq... and they say McDonalds will never come to Baghdad," he said. "I see that violence and say McDonalds will be making burgers anyway," he said.
Pentagon officials are likely to be concerned because the questions were being asked by troops about to head for the front line.
Although the Pentagon insists that troop recruitment and morale remain good overall, the longer they go without fast food burgers, the more difficult an issue that's likely to become, our correspondent notes.
maandag, december 06, 2004
Bush Urges Congress to Lose Intelligence Quickly
"Thinking Is Dangerous"
President Jesus Bush fearing that the near-rebellion by members of his own party in Congress recently was a sign that it was somehow becoming intelligent, issued a call for Congress to "stop thinking and start voting" lest his important terrorist-reform legislation isn't passed in time for the Congressional recess.
Bush's remarks in his weekly radio address urged Congressmen to "consider that your country and safety is at stake and there is no time to think about the issues, just follow my lead..."
His comments echoed those of a group of staunch House Republicans from the South and Midwest, who have started a bill to ban the teaching of evolution in America because it might encourage terrorism, and who think that some of their fellow Congressmen might be "thinking too much for their own good."
"Now is really neither the time nor place for Congress to start thinking for itself," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card and Vice President Dick Cheney both warned simultaneously. "The terrorists are everywhere and they will certainly see thinking or intelligence by Congress as a sign of weakness."
Congressional officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said President Jesus Bush will not stand by forever while rogue members of his own party insist on thinking for themselves. "If Congress is going to start thinking for itself on issues of national security, President Jesus Bush may just have to start circumventing it altogether as a useless legislative body which will go the way of similarly useless organisations like the UN."
In the radio address, Bush said Congressmen were being given one more opportunity to "see the light" to make America more secure and if they didn't, he may not bother consulting with them any longer.
"I urge members of Congress to act next week so I can sign these needed reforms into law," Bush said. "Otherwise, they may all be permanently out of work by the end of the week."
"Thinking Is Dangerous"
President Jesus Bush fearing that the near-rebellion by members of his own party in Congress recently was a sign that it was somehow becoming intelligent, issued a call for Congress to "stop thinking and start voting" lest his important terrorist-reform legislation isn't passed in time for the Congressional recess.
Bush's remarks in his weekly radio address urged Congressmen to "consider that your country and safety is at stake and there is no time to think about the issues, just follow my lead..."
His comments echoed those of a group of staunch House Republicans from the South and Midwest, who have started a bill to ban the teaching of evolution in America because it might encourage terrorism, and who think that some of their fellow Congressmen might be "thinking too much for their own good."
"Now is really neither the time nor place for Congress to start thinking for itself," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card and Vice President Dick Cheney both warned simultaneously. "The terrorists are everywhere and they will certainly see thinking or intelligence by Congress as a sign of weakness."
Congressional officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said President Jesus Bush will not stand by forever while rogue members of his own party insist on thinking for themselves. "If Congress is going to start thinking for itself on issues of national security, President Jesus Bush may just have to start circumventing it altogether as a useless legislative body which will go the way of similarly useless organisations like the UN."
In the radio address, Bush said Congressmen were being given one more opportunity to "see the light" to make America more secure and if they didn't, he may not bother consulting with them any longer.
"I urge members of Congress to act next week so I can sign these needed reforms into law," Bush said. "Otherwise, they may all be permanently out of work by the end of the week."
zaterdag, december 04, 2004
Second Vote For Bush Finally Kills Her
A woman described as the oldest living American and the third oldest person in the world has died at the age of 114 less than a month after voting a second time for President Jesus Bush. She had voted for President Bush (oddly enough even before he was born) in every election since women earned the right in 1920.
Elena Slough passed away in the state of New Jersey just 27 days after casting her vote for America's Greatest President and Hero Ever and just 3 days after her 90-year-old daughter died having cast a similar vote on that same day.
Mrs Slough, who is believed to have been born in 1888, lived through seven US wars, 21 presidents, 1 act of fellacio by an intern on a president, and 12 US territories gaining statehoods, called President Jesus Bush "My greatest hero out of all the millions of people I've ever met, out of all the presidents ever elected, not to mention an exceptionally talented lover and the embodiment of all that is great about America..."
Charlotte Benkner of North Lima, Ohio is the world's third oldest person and she too, proudly reveals she voted for Bush. "I'm not afraid the Election Fraud Gods will kill me too like poor Mrs Slough. I'm not afraid to die. I look forward to a heaven populated by everyone in the imagine of President Jesus Bush..."
The world's oldest person is a Japanese woman Kamato Hongo, who turned 116 last month. She is not eligible to vote in the American elections but assures anyone who cares to listen that she thinks President Jesus Bush is "the sexiest demogogue" she's ever seen and would vote for him if she were eligible to vote. "What Japan needs," she explained as she gummed a dollop of gruel in her tiny Japanese paper house, "is a leader like President Jesus Bush or perhaps President Jesus Bush himself. If I were able to, I'd vote that President Jesus Bush should be the president of Japan as well..."
The world's second oldest person is believed to be 114-year-old Mitoyo Kawate, also Japanese. She attributes her long life to "the desire to hold on" until President Jesus Bush was finally reelected. "I could not have gone to my grave until I knew the world was safe from terrorism..." she explained.
Mrs Slough died in her sleep, dreaming of a romance with the president on Sunday at the Victoria Manor Nursing Home in the resort town of Cape May, an official said.
With her death, the oldest American and third oldest person in the world, is now Charlotte Benkner of North Lima, Ohio, according to the Gerontology Research Group. Oddly enough Ms Benkner too confesses a profound love and devotion for the president and voted for him "as often as possible" in the most recent election.
The German-born woman will turn 114 on 16 November.
Last month, a retired Japanese silkworm breeder believed to have been the world's oldest man died at the age of 114.
Yukichi Chuganji drank milk every day, but did not consume alcohol. He didn't vote for Hirohito, but he often dreamt of voting in Ohio for the American elections and casting his vote for President Bush.
There are an estimated 15,000 people in Japan over the age of 100, most of them women and all of them expressing a desire to vote for President Bush even though they don't live in America. "There's just something about his manly desire to crush terrorists that makes even a woman over 100 blush with desire..."
Japan has the world's longest life expectancy - 78 years for men and 80 for women. In America, all people who vote for President Jesus Bush are guaranteed a life expectancy of at least 100, not to mention a healthy tax rebate.
The oldest person on record was a French woman, Jeanne Calment, who was 122 when she died in 1997. Of course, the fact that she was French meant that she was not a real human being and was therefore, ineligible to vote for Bush or express an opinion one way or the other.
A woman described as the oldest living American and the third oldest person in the world has died at the age of 114 less than a month after voting a second time for President Jesus Bush. She had voted for President Bush (oddly enough even before he was born) in every election since women earned the right in 1920.
Elena Slough passed away in the state of New Jersey just 27 days after casting her vote for America's Greatest President and Hero Ever and just 3 days after her 90-year-old daughter died having cast a similar vote on that same day.
Mrs Slough, who is believed to have been born in 1888, lived through seven US wars, 21 presidents, 1 act of fellacio by an intern on a president, and 12 US territories gaining statehoods, called President Jesus Bush "My greatest hero out of all the millions of people I've ever met, out of all the presidents ever elected, not to mention an exceptionally talented lover and the embodiment of all that is great about America..."
Charlotte Benkner of North Lima, Ohio is the world's third oldest person and she too, proudly reveals she voted for Bush. "I'm not afraid the Election Fraud Gods will kill me too like poor Mrs Slough. I'm not afraid to die. I look forward to a heaven populated by everyone in the imagine of President Jesus Bush..."
The world's oldest person is a Japanese woman Kamato Hongo, who turned 116 last month. She is not eligible to vote in the American elections but assures anyone who cares to listen that she thinks President Jesus Bush is "the sexiest demogogue" she's ever seen and would vote for him if she were eligible to vote. "What Japan needs," she explained as she gummed a dollop of gruel in her tiny Japanese paper house, "is a leader like President Jesus Bush or perhaps President Jesus Bush himself. If I were able to, I'd vote that President Jesus Bush should be the president of Japan as well..."
The world's second oldest person is believed to be 114-year-old Mitoyo Kawate, also Japanese. She attributes her long life to "the desire to hold on" until President Jesus Bush was finally reelected. "I could not have gone to my grave until I knew the world was safe from terrorism..." she explained.
Mrs Slough died in her sleep, dreaming of a romance with the president on Sunday at the Victoria Manor Nursing Home in the resort town of Cape May, an official said.
With her death, the oldest American and third oldest person in the world, is now Charlotte Benkner of North Lima, Ohio, according to the Gerontology Research Group. Oddly enough Ms Benkner too confesses a profound love and devotion for the president and voted for him "as often as possible" in the most recent election.
The German-born woman will turn 114 on 16 November.
Last month, a retired Japanese silkworm breeder believed to have been the world's oldest man died at the age of 114.
Yukichi Chuganji drank milk every day, but did not consume alcohol. He didn't vote for Hirohito, but he often dreamt of voting in Ohio for the American elections and casting his vote for President Bush.
There are an estimated 15,000 people in Japan over the age of 100, most of them women and all of them expressing a desire to vote for President Bush even though they don't live in America. "There's just something about his manly desire to crush terrorists that makes even a woman over 100 blush with desire..."
Japan has the world's longest life expectancy - 78 years for men and 80 for women. In America, all people who vote for President Jesus Bush are guaranteed a life expectancy of at least 100, not to mention a healthy tax rebate.
The oldest person on record was a French woman, Jeanne Calment, who was 122 when she died in 1997. Of course, the fact that she was French meant that she was not a real human being and was therefore, ineligible to vote for Bush or express an opinion one way or the other.
vrijdag, december 03, 2004
What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding?
The disappointment of sindicalists and anarchist grooves might be almost audible, but it appears the bets are off on a violent end to the Ukraine election crisis even if it hasn't been fully resolved yet.
In fact, it's probably safe to talk about openly it in America now that President Jesus Bush has given the green light to lecturing the rest of the world on interfering in the politics of other countries:
"If there is to be a new election, as many government leaders and Ukrainian demonstrators have demanded, it "ought to be free from any foreign influence," Bush said. "Unless there happens a large oil reserve is discovered under the streets of Kiev, of course..."
Yeah, that means you, comrade.
By the way, if you struck out at the orange revolution, you could always try an online Ukrainian dating service.
For those of you winding your watches, the Ukraine could be The Hour of Europe.
*****
Renard a la McGowan
Spectacle artist Mark McGowan has made the ultimate artistic and perhaps even political statement in the long-running dispute over the ban on fox hunting in England. In protest of the public fixation with the ban on fox hunting McGowan has eaten a fox.
"He said the roast fox was tasty, but admitted it nearly made him vomit.
"It was a bit like rack of lamb," he said. "The trouble was the retching noises from the other people in the room."
What a pisser
It appears this came top of a poll of 500 art experts in the run-up to this year's Turner Prize.
In related news, people who prefer pissing on the stone pillars of bridges might want to think again.
*****
old Instanbul postcards via growabrain - who also provides the answer to the Question of 2004; What do you call a quarter pounder with cheese in Iraq?
Speaking of food, you shouldn't miss the exerpt on the Yankee Pot Roast of Bill O'Reilly's new book How to Have Hot Sex Using A Falafel, For Kids. via the ever erudite Maud Newton.
That's it, kids! Enjoy the final day of the work week before the drudgery and gloom of the weekend sets in.
The disappointment of sindicalists and anarchist grooves might be almost audible, but it appears the bets are off on a violent end to the Ukraine election crisis even if it hasn't been fully resolved yet.
In fact, it's probably safe to talk about openly it in America now that President Jesus Bush has given the green light to lecturing the rest of the world on interfering in the politics of other countries:
"If there is to be a new election, as many government leaders and Ukrainian demonstrators have demanded, it "ought to be free from any foreign influence," Bush said. "Unless there happens a large oil reserve is discovered under the streets of Kiev, of course..."
Yeah, that means you, comrade.
By the way, if you struck out at the orange revolution, you could always try an online Ukrainian dating service.
For those of you winding your watches, the Ukraine could be The Hour of Europe.
*****
Renard a la McGowan
Spectacle artist Mark McGowan has made the ultimate artistic and perhaps even political statement in the long-running dispute over the ban on fox hunting in England. In protest of the public fixation with the ban on fox hunting McGowan has eaten a fox.
"He said the roast fox was tasty, but admitted it nearly made him vomit.
"It was a bit like rack of lamb," he said. "The trouble was the retching noises from the other people in the room."
What a pisser
It appears this came top of a poll of 500 art experts in the run-up to this year's Turner Prize.
In related news, people who prefer pissing on the stone pillars of bridges might want to think again.
*****
old Instanbul postcards via growabrain - who also provides the answer to the Question of 2004; What do you call a quarter pounder with cheese in Iraq?
Speaking of food, you shouldn't miss the exerpt on the Yankee Pot Roast of Bill O'Reilly's new book How to Have Hot Sex Using A Falafel, For Kids. via the ever erudite Maud Newton.
That's it, kids! Enjoy the final day of the work week before the drudgery and gloom of the weekend sets in.
zondag, november 28, 2004
Oi, No Funnies In The News Today
As things progress or digress in the Ukraine, it will be interesting to pause through several worthy blogs on the matter, noted below in no particular order of relevance or truth:
Tulip Girl is "tired of people outside of Ukraine trying to frame what is going on here as a "US/EU vs. Russia" thing, and so condescendingly refusing to see this is all about Ukraine. It is Ukrainians who have risen up, joined together, and finally have hope that things here can change."
An overall excellent blog on this and other matters, Les Sabot Post-Moderne, notes what YOU the reader can do:
"1. Read and sign this Letter of Support for the Ukrainian People. Please send your name, organziation you represent and your email to info@pora.org.ua.
Foreign Notes has fresh reports from the square:
"We just got back from going down to the square. There were more people than at any other time I have gone down. People were everywhere. They say there is a million of them. I don't know what a million people looks like. But I do know there are more people there than I have ever seen in one place in my life."
if you want photos to go along with your stories for example, have a go at Orange Ukraine
For VERY up-to-the-minute updates, Pora (Time), whose manifesto, in part, is as follows:
MANIFEST of those whose PORA ( TIME ) has alredy come time to believe, time to live , time
Time – it's a beginning. Beginning of the new Ukraine.
Ukraine of new hopes, truth and freedom.
Time gave birth to Wave. Wave of Freedom that will wash away the dirt, that will purify the soul of Ukraine.
(the entirety of the manifesto is available on the site cited above.
Windowglass reports:
"Four Hundred Sixty (460) diplomats have now signed the open letter prepared by Ukrainain diplomats in Washington DC on Monday. It reads in part:
Guided by our conscience, our professional pride and our oath to loyally serve the Ukrainian state, we express our solidarity with the voice of the Ukrainian people. That voice is an expression of protest against the violation of our citizens' right to elect a president by democratic means."
and thanks to The Politburo Diktat for many of these referrals.
Amelia, by the way, is who designed the Democracy For Ukraine button seen above my links column.
On the other hand, if you like your news like dry, unbuttered toast, there's always the Kyiv Post.
*****
In unrelated news, it appears the Virgin Mary Sandwich will not meet the Catholic Church's criteria for a divine apparition.
As things progress or digress in the Ukraine, it will be interesting to pause through several worthy blogs on the matter, noted below in no particular order of relevance or truth:
Tulip Girl is "tired of people outside of Ukraine trying to frame what is going on here as a "US/EU vs. Russia" thing, and so condescendingly refusing to see this is all about Ukraine. It is Ukrainians who have risen up, joined together, and finally have hope that things here can change."
An overall excellent blog on this and other matters, Les Sabot Post-Moderne, notes what YOU the reader can do:
"1. Read and sign this Letter of Support for the Ukrainian People. Please send your name, organziation you represent and your email to info@pora.org.ua.
Foreign Notes has fresh reports from the square:
"We just got back from going down to the square. There were more people than at any other time I have gone down. People were everywhere. They say there is a million of them. I don't know what a million people looks like. But I do know there are more people there than I have ever seen in one place in my life."
if you want photos to go along with your stories for example, have a go at Orange Ukraine
For VERY up-to-the-minute updates, Pora (Time), whose manifesto, in part, is as follows:
MANIFEST of those whose PORA ( TIME ) has alredy come time to believe, time to live , time
Time – it's a beginning. Beginning of the new Ukraine.
Ukraine of new hopes, truth and freedom.
Time gave birth to Wave. Wave of Freedom that will wash away the dirt, that will purify the soul of Ukraine.
(the entirety of the manifesto is available on the site cited above.
Windowglass reports:
"Four Hundred Sixty (460) diplomats have now signed the open letter prepared by Ukrainain diplomats in Washington DC on Monday. It reads in part:
Guided by our conscience, our professional pride and our oath to loyally serve the Ukrainian state, we express our solidarity with the voice of the Ukrainian people. That voice is an expression of protest against the violation of our citizens' right to elect a president by democratic means."
and thanks to The Politburo Diktat for many of these referrals.
Amelia, by the way, is who designed the Democracy For Ukraine button seen above my links column.
On the other hand, if you like your news like dry, unbuttered toast, there's always the Kyiv Post.
*****
In unrelated news, it appears the Virgin Mary Sandwich will not meet the Catholic Church's criteria for a divine apparition.
woensdag, november 24, 2004
Economic Adviser To Be Replaced By Giant Copy of Bible
Bush Calls For More of Treasury To Be Given To Churches
CRAWFORD, Tex., Nov. 23 - The White House said Tuesday that Stephen Friedman, the director of the National Economic Council, will be replaced by a giant copy of the Bible, the latest in a string of departures that is reshaping the face of the Bush administration into the face of Jesus Christ as it heads into a second term.
The giant copy of the Bible will take over all the office space of the director of the National Economic Council and will be prayed to and conferred upon over such disparate economic matters as how enormous a tax cut to give American billionaires who supported him and how much to charge non-Christian taxpayers for the thousands of pounds of human flesh and hundreds of tankards of oil that Vice President Dick Cheney consumes every day.
A prominent Republican in Washington with close ties to the White House, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said he had been told by the White House to expect everyone who does not swear allegiance to Jesus in the cabinet to be removed in coming weeks.
"There is no place for heathens in this Administration..." the prominent Republican with close ties to the White House who speaks only on condition of anonymity said.
The fate of the Treasury Department remains uncertain, as President Jesus Bush ponders how much of it to give away to churches around America who helped reelect him. Some within the White House would like to see the entire Treasury Department looted with the profits going to TV evangelists.
Mr. Friedman has held the job for two years, a period in which Mr. Bush signed into law several tax-cutting bills and an overhaul of Medicare, but didn't result in sufficient poverty to suit the president. The White House wants all Americans who do not profess an open and fervid love of Jesus Christ as their Saviour, to be forced into poverty as punishment for their sins.
Claire Buchan, a spokeswoman for the White House, ominously noted that Mr. Friedman had "missed several prayer meetings" of late and had been insufficiently prepared when asked detailed questions about the scriptures.
By replacing the director of the National Economic Council with a giant bible, Bush hopes to emphasise his love for Jesus and let those terrorists know that this time, he means business.
*****
Dan Rather To Quit Anchor Desk For Stand Up Comedy
NEW YORK -- Longtime anchor Dan Rather will leave the "CBS Evening News" on March 9, the network said Tuesday, coincidentally, just months after Rather's report critical of President Bush's National Guard service.
Rather, 73, acknowledged that he can no longer read the news with a straight face and would prefer to read the news as a stand-up comedian.
"Reading the news all these years has made me realise just how absurd and funny America's politics have become," Rather said in a statement. "And I don't want to miss out on my chance to take this kind of high comedy all around the country to more appropriate venues."
CBS spokesman Gil Schwartz said that Rather's decision to leave "was based upon America's inability to find humour in war and death and the destruction of the American economy."
"It's really quite funny, America filled with terrorist-fearing Christians, re-electing a president despised by the world for his single-minded stupidity, preaching creativity in schools and burning science text books." Rather mused following the announcement. "To let all this good material go to waste reading the news when I could be earning millions reading it as a stand up comedian and letting America know how funny it really it is, well, I'm no fool..."
On a September 8 segment of "60 Minutes II," Rather reported allegations that during the Vietnam era, Bush received special consideration to get into the Texas Air National Guard and subsequently did not fulfill his service obligations, including ignoring an order to get a required physical exam.
"This was funny stuff," Rather explained.
Among the evidence cited were four memos critical of the future president, purportedly written by Bush's then-squadron commander, Lt. Col. Jerry Killian, who died in 1984.
But immediately after the broadcast, the documents came under fire in media reports, with some document experts saying that they were produced with a computer word-processing program, not by a 1970s-era typewriter and not even a human! Killian's former wife, son and secretary all questioned the validity of the memos, though his secretary said they did reflect his views at the time about Bush.
"It's clear that Americans just don't like this kind of humour in their nightly news broadcast," Rather continued. "So it's time to bring the news where it belongs: to arenas filled with laughing Christians who can appreciate how hilarious the world really is."
So, adieu funnyman.
Bush Calls For More of Treasury To Be Given To Churches
CRAWFORD, Tex., Nov. 23 - The White House said Tuesday that Stephen Friedman, the director of the National Economic Council, will be replaced by a giant copy of the Bible, the latest in a string of departures that is reshaping the face of the Bush administration into the face of Jesus Christ as it heads into a second term.
The giant copy of the Bible will take over all the office space of the director of the National Economic Council and will be prayed to and conferred upon over such disparate economic matters as how enormous a tax cut to give American billionaires who supported him and how much to charge non-Christian taxpayers for the thousands of pounds of human flesh and hundreds of tankards of oil that Vice President Dick Cheney consumes every day.
A prominent Republican in Washington with close ties to the White House, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said he had been told by the White House to expect everyone who does not swear allegiance to Jesus in the cabinet to be removed in coming weeks.
"There is no place for heathens in this Administration..." the prominent Republican with close ties to the White House who speaks only on condition of anonymity said.
The fate of the Treasury Department remains uncertain, as President Jesus Bush ponders how much of it to give away to churches around America who helped reelect him. Some within the White House would like to see the entire Treasury Department looted with the profits going to TV evangelists.
Mr. Friedman has held the job for two years, a period in which Mr. Bush signed into law several tax-cutting bills and an overhaul of Medicare, but didn't result in sufficient poverty to suit the president. The White House wants all Americans who do not profess an open and fervid love of Jesus Christ as their Saviour, to be forced into poverty as punishment for their sins.
Claire Buchan, a spokeswoman for the White House, ominously noted that Mr. Friedman had "missed several prayer meetings" of late and had been insufficiently prepared when asked detailed questions about the scriptures.
By replacing the director of the National Economic Council with a giant bible, Bush hopes to emphasise his love for Jesus and let those terrorists know that this time, he means business.
*****
Dan Rather To Quit Anchor Desk For Stand Up Comedy
NEW YORK -- Longtime anchor Dan Rather will leave the "CBS Evening News" on March 9, the network said Tuesday, coincidentally, just months after Rather's report critical of President Bush's National Guard service.
Rather, 73, acknowledged that he can no longer read the news with a straight face and would prefer to read the news as a stand-up comedian.
"Reading the news all these years has made me realise just how absurd and funny America's politics have become," Rather said in a statement. "And I don't want to miss out on my chance to take this kind of high comedy all around the country to more appropriate venues."
CBS spokesman Gil Schwartz said that Rather's decision to leave "was based upon America's inability to find humour in war and death and the destruction of the American economy."
"It's really quite funny, America filled with terrorist-fearing Christians, re-electing a president despised by the world for his single-minded stupidity, preaching creativity in schools and burning science text books." Rather mused following the announcement. "To let all this good material go to waste reading the news when I could be earning millions reading it as a stand up comedian and letting America know how funny it really it is, well, I'm no fool..."
On a September 8 segment of "60 Minutes II," Rather reported allegations that during the Vietnam era, Bush received special consideration to get into the Texas Air National Guard and subsequently did not fulfill his service obligations, including ignoring an order to get a required physical exam.
"This was funny stuff," Rather explained.
Among the evidence cited were four memos critical of the future president, purportedly written by Bush's then-squadron commander, Lt. Col. Jerry Killian, who died in 1984.
But immediately after the broadcast, the documents came under fire in media reports, with some document experts saying that they were produced with a computer word-processing program, not by a 1970s-era typewriter and not even a human! Killian's former wife, son and secretary all questioned the validity of the memos, though his secretary said they did reflect his views at the time about Bush.
"It's clear that Americans just don't like this kind of humour in their nightly news broadcast," Rather continued. "So it's time to bring the news where it belongs: to arenas filled with laughing Christians who can appreciate how hilarious the world really is."
So, adieu funnyman.
dinsdag, november 23, 2004
Ozymandias
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read,
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed,
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
--Percy Bysshe Shelley 1792-1822
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read,
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed,
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
--Percy Bysshe Shelley 1792-1822
maandag, november 22, 2004
Battle over Jesus cancels Chilean state dinner
SANTIAGO, Chile — The clash between the American Christian Secret Service and Chilean security officials hurdled into a second day, leading to food fights and ultimately, the cancellation of an official state dinner for President Jesus Bush and his Chilean counterpart.
Mr. Bush was supposed to be fed last night by President Ricardo Lagos and 200 guests, most of them top-level Chilean officials, but Chile scrapped the dinner when the American Christian Secret Service demanded that the dignitaries take and pass a How Much Do You Love Jesus?" survey.
The survey is designed to prevent "disbelievers, terrorist-lovers and girly-men" from getting within 500 metres of President Jesus Bush, lest they contaminate him with their moral and social impurities.
"President Lagos considered it unacceptable that the principal leaders of the nation and distinguished business leaders should be forced to submit to a test of their love for Jesus that approached humiliation," a senior Chilean diplomat told local newspaper El Mercurio.
Rather than attend a state ceremony, Mr. Bush and Mr. Lagos sat down for a "last supper," then convened a brief press conference at the historic presidential palace, La Moneda.
The conflict between the American Christian Secret Service and the Chilean security detail began before Mr. Bush arrived and escalated throughout the two-day Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) summit in Santiago that ended yesterday.
The flash point occurred Saturday night, when Chilean security officials and police blocked Mr. Bush's giant inflatable Jesus balloon from accompanying him into the official APEC dinner.
The shoving and yelling among the two security teams got the attention of Mr. Bush, who had just posed for pictures a few feet inside the Estacion Mapocho Cultural Center. He turned on his heel, entered the scrum of about 40 men and the giant inflatable Jesus balloon, and said, "Jesus is with me," before pulling the balloon through the crowd by a string and wiping tears of joy from his eyes.
"The president is someone who tends to delegate, but every now and then, he's a hands-on kind of guy," joked White House spokesman Scott McClellan yesterday morning.
Mr. Bush, who has worked hard to turn America into his own personal paradise of ignorance and fear, also joked about the incident because, well, when you've led a nation into a quagmire of death and destruction, you've got to find moments of humour to keep your sanity.
Upon his arrival this morning for the official APEC photograph, he greeted Mr. Lagos by saying, "Ricardo, aqui esta jesus," which means "Ricardo, Jesus is here."
Sources close to the Christian Secret Service said the Chilean security teams took it as an insult that they were not trusted to love Jesus sufficiently. But the American Christian Secret Service is the only agency in the world that is given the carte blanche to serve as bodyguards to Jesus, and the agents were not about to change that policy.
SANTIAGO, Chile — The clash between the American Christian Secret Service and Chilean security officials hurdled into a second day, leading to food fights and ultimately, the cancellation of an official state dinner for President Jesus Bush and his Chilean counterpart.
Mr. Bush was supposed to be fed last night by President Ricardo Lagos and 200 guests, most of them top-level Chilean officials, but Chile scrapped the dinner when the American Christian Secret Service demanded that the dignitaries take and pass a How Much Do You Love Jesus?" survey.
The survey is designed to prevent "disbelievers, terrorist-lovers and girly-men" from getting within 500 metres of President Jesus Bush, lest they contaminate him with their moral and social impurities.
"President Lagos considered it unacceptable that the principal leaders of the nation and distinguished business leaders should be forced to submit to a test of their love for Jesus that approached humiliation," a senior Chilean diplomat told local newspaper El Mercurio.
Rather than attend a state ceremony, Mr. Bush and Mr. Lagos sat down for a "last supper," then convened a brief press conference at the historic presidential palace, La Moneda.
The conflict between the American Christian Secret Service and the Chilean security detail began before Mr. Bush arrived and escalated throughout the two-day Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) summit in Santiago that ended yesterday.
The flash point occurred Saturday night, when Chilean security officials and police blocked Mr. Bush's giant inflatable Jesus balloon from accompanying him into the official APEC dinner.
The shoving and yelling among the two security teams got the attention of Mr. Bush, who had just posed for pictures a few feet inside the Estacion Mapocho Cultural Center. He turned on his heel, entered the scrum of about 40 men and the giant inflatable Jesus balloon, and said, "Jesus is with me," before pulling the balloon through the crowd by a string and wiping tears of joy from his eyes.
"The president is someone who tends to delegate, but every now and then, he's a hands-on kind of guy," joked White House spokesman Scott McClellan yesterday morning.
Mr. Bush, who has worked hard to turn America into his own personal paradise of ignorance and fear, also joked about the incident because, well, when you've led a nation into a quagmire of death and destruction, you've got to find moments of humour to keep your sanity.
Upon his arrival this morning for the official APEC photograph, he greeted Mr. Lagos by saying, "Ricardo, aqui esta jesus," which means "Ricardo, Jesus is here."
Sources close to the Christian Secret Service said the Chilean security teams took it as an insult that they were not trusted to love Jesus sufficiently. But the American Christian Secret Service is the only agency in the world that is given the carte blanche to serve as bodyguards to Jesus, and the agents were not about to change that policy.
donderdag, november 18, 2004
The Altar
The plastic statue of the Virgin
On top of a bedroom dresser
With a blackened mirror
From a bad-dream grooming salon.
Two pebbles from the grave of a rock star,
A small, grinning windup monkey,
A bronze Egyptian coin
And a red movie-ticket stub.
A splotch of sunlight on the framed
Communion photograph of a boy
With the eyes of someone
Who will drown in a lake real soon.
An altar dignifying the god of chance.
What is beautiful, it cautions,
Is found accidentally and not sought after.
What is beautiful is easily lost.
-- Charles Simic. *Night Picnic* (Harcourt).
The plastic statue of the Virgin
On top of a bedroom dresser
With a blackened mirror
From a bad-dream grooming salon.
Two pebbles from the grave of a rock star,
A small, grinning windup monkey,
A bronze Egyptian coin
And a red movie-ticket stub.
A splotch of sunlight on the framed
Communion photograph of a boy
With the eyes of someone
Who will drown in a lake real soon.
An altar dignifying the god of chance.
What is beautiful, it cautions,
Is found accidentally and not sought after.
What is beautiful is easily lost.
-- Charles Simic. *Night Picnic* (Harcourt).
Abonneren op:
Posts (Atom)
