zaterdag, december 04, 2004

Second Vote For Bush Finally Kills Her

A woman described as the oldest living American and the third oldest person in the world has died at the age of 114 less than a month after voting a second time for President Jesus Bush. She had voted for President Bush (oddly enough even before he was born) in every election since women earned the right in 1920.

Elena Slough passed away in the state of New Jersey just 27 days after casting her vote for America's Greatest President and Hero Ever and just 3 days after her 90-year-old daughter died having cast a similar vote on that same day.

Mrs Slough, who is believed to have been born in 1888, lived through seven US wars, 21 presidents, 1 act of fellacio by an intern on a president, and 12 US territories gaining statehoods, called President Jesus Bush "My greatest hero out of all the millions of people I've ever met, out of all the presidents ever elected, not to mention an exceptionally talented lover and the embodiment of all that is great about America..."

Charlotte Benkner of North Lima, Ohio is the world's third oldest person and she too, proudly reveals she voted for Bush. "I'm not afraid the Election Fraud Gods will kill me too like poor Mrs Slough. I'm not afraid to die. I look forward to a heaven populated by everyone in the imagine of President Jesus Bush..."

The world's oldest person is a Japanese woman Kamato Hongo, who turned 116 last month. She is not eligible to vote in the American elections but assures anyone who cares to listen that she thinks President Jesus Bush is "the sexiest demogogue" she's ever seen and would vote for him if she were eligible to vote. "What Japan needs," she explained as she gummed a dollop of gruel in her tiny Japanese paper house, "is a leader like President Jesus Bush or perhaps President Jesus Bush himself. If I were able to, I'd vote that President Jesus Bush should be the president of Japan as well..."

The world's second oldest person is believed to be 114-year-old Mitoyo Kawate, also Japanese. She attributes her long life to "the desire to hold on" until President Jesus Bush was finally reelected. "I could not have gone to my grave until I knew the world was safe from terrorism..." she explained.

Mrs Slough died in her sleep, dreaming of a romance with the president on Sunday at the Victoria Manor Nursing Home in the resort town of Cape May, an official said.

With her death, the oldest American and third oldest person in the world, is now Charlotte Benkner of North Lima, Ohio, according to the Gerontology Research Group. Oddly enough Ms Benkner too confesses a profound love and devotion for the president and voted for him "as often as possible" in the most recent election.

The German-born woman will turn 114 on 16 November.

Last month, a retired Japanese silkworm breeder believed to have been the world's oldest man died at the age of 114.

Yukichi Chuganji drank milk every day, but did not consume alcohol. He didn't vote for Hirohito, but he often dreamt of voting in Ohio for the American elections and casting his vote for President Bush.

There are an estimated 15,000 people in Japan over the age of 100, most of them women and all of them expressing a desire to vote for President Bush even though they don't live in America. "There's just something about his manly desire to crush terrorists that makes even a woman over 100 blush with desire..."

Japan has the world's longest life expectancy - 78 years for men and 80 for women. In America, all people who vote for President Jesus Bush are guaranteed a life expectancy of at least 100, not to mention a healthy tax rebate.

The oldest person on record was a French woman, Jeanne Calment, who was 122 when she died in 1997. Of course, the fact that she was French meant that she was not a real human being and was therefore, ineligible to vote for Bush or express an opinion one way or the other.

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