woensdag, november 24, 2004

Economic Adviser To Be Replaced By Giant Copy of Bible
Bush Calls For More of Treasury To Be Given To Churches

CRAWFORD, Tex., Nov. 23 - The White House said Tuesday that Stephen Friedman, the director of the National Economic Council, will be replaced by a giant copy of the Bible, the latest in a string of departures that is reshaping the face of the Bush administration into the face of Jesus Christ as it heads into a second term.

The giant copy of the Bible will take over all the office space of the director of the National Economic Council and will be prayed to and conferred upon over such disparate economic matters as how enormous a tax cut to give American billionaires who supported him and how much to charge non-Christian taxpayers for the thousands of pounds of human flesh and hundreds of tankards of oil that Vice President Dick Cheney consumes every day.

A prominent Republican in Washington with close ties to the White House, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said he had been told by the White House to expect everyone who does not swear allegiance to Jesus in the cabinet to be removed in coming weeks.

"There is no place for heathens in this Administration..." the prominent Republican with close ties to the White House who speaks only on condition of anonymity said.

The fate of the Treasury Department remains uncertain, as President Jesus Bush ponders how much of it to give away to churches around America who helped reelect him. Some within the White House would like to see the entire Treasury Department looted with the profits going to TV evangelists.

Mr. Friedman has held the job for two years, a period in which Mr. Bush signed into law several tax-cutting bills and an overhaul of Medicare, but didn't result in sufficient poverty to suit the president. The White House wants all Americans who do not profess an open and fervid love of Jesus Christ as their Saviour, to be forced into poverty as punishment for their sins.

Claire Buchan, a spokeswoman for the White House, ominously noted that Mr. Friedman had "missed several prayer meetings" of late and had been insufficiently prepared when asked detailed questions about the scriptures.

By replacing the director of the National Economic Council with a giant bible, Bush hopes to emphasise his love for Jesus and let those terrorists know that this time, he means business.


Dan Rather To Quit Anchor Desk For Stand Up Comedy

NEW YORK -- Longtime anchor Dan Rather will leave the "CBS Evening News" on March 9, the network said Tuesday, coincidentally, just months after Rather's report critical of President Bush's National Guard service.

Rather, 73, acknowledged that he can no longer read the news with a straight face and would prefer to read the news as a stand-up comedian.

"Reading the news all these years has made me realise just how absurd and funny America's politics have become," Rather said in a statement. "And I don't want to miss out on my chance to take this kind of high comedy all around the country to more appropriate venues."

CBS spokesman Gil Schwartz said that Rather's decision to leave "was based upon America's inability to find humour in war and death and the destruction of the American economy."

"It's really quite funny, America filled with terrorist-fearing Christians, re-electing a president despised by the world for his single-minded stupidity, preaching creativity in schools and burning science text books." Rather mused following the announcement. "To let all this good material go to waste reading the news when I could be earning millions reading it as a stand up comedian and letting America know how funny it really it is, well, I'm no fool..."

On a September 8 segment of "60 Minutes II," Rather reported allegations that during the Vietnam era, Bush received special consideration to get into the Texas Air National Guard and subsequently did not fulfill his service obligations, including ignoring an order to get a required physical exam.

"This was funny stuff," Rather explained.

Among the evidence cited were four memos critical of the future president, purportedly written by Bush's then-squadron commander, Lt. Col. Jerry Killian, who died in 1984.

But immediately after the broadcast, the documents came under fire in media reports, with some document experts saying that they were produced with a computer word-processing program, not by a 1970s-era typewriter and not even a human! Killian's former wife, son and secretary all questioned the validity of the memos, though his secretary said they did reflect his views at the time about Bush.

"It's clear that Americans just don't like this kind of humour in their nightly news broadcast," Rather continued. "So it's time to bring the news where it belongs: to arenas filled with laughing Christians who can appreciate how hilarious the world really is."

So, adieu funnyman.

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