BUSH URGES DONORS NOT TO 'SHORTCHANGE' HALIBURTON

WASHINGTON, Jan. 10 - President Jesus Bush pledged Monday that the United States would stay committed over the long term to helping the Asian nations recovering from the tsunami last month so long as everyone else paid for it, and he asked that Americans not let their contributions to the relief effort replace their charitable giving to Haliburton and other needy defence contractors that form an intricate part of the Administration's foreign policy.

In a speech to officials of the Agency for International Development and other relief groups, Mr. Bush said his administration recognized that the recovery from the disaster would take years. Is it really worth it? After all, the bottom line is, where's the oil in it for me?

"This is one of those projects that's not going to happen overnight, and probably isn't worth the trouble since alot of Moozlim turrists were killt in the tsunami" the president said in remarks at the Ronald Reagan Building near the White House. "We should be happy it wasn't us. God spared us because we are a Democratic nation and because we love him. The intense scrutiny may dissipate, and probably will, but our focus has got to stay on the killing that WE do, not the killing that God and Nature does."

But Mr. Bush, reacting to concerns from charitable groups that the outpouring of private aid to the tsunami victims might hurt donations to other relief efforts, asked Americans not to "shortchange" Halburton and other defence contractors just to feed a few of "those people over there".

"It is essential that your contribution not replace the ongoing contributions you're making to help our good friends the war profiteers," Mr. Bush said. "You should view the tsunami relief effort as something to do ONLY if you have given all the rest of your spare money to us to help us kill and help us wallow in blood and oil."

With more than $2 billion pledged to the Asian countries affected by the tsunami, senior officials at the World Bank and the United Nations said Monday that they are meeting with aid officials from wealthy governments this week to ask them not to forget the needs of the rest of the world.

"The aid for the tsunami victims has to be new, additional funds, absolutely," said James Adams, vice president of the World Bank, in a telephone interview. "But we have alot of people to kill and this crisis just takes the eye off the ball for the rest of us. It's time to move on and get back to focusing on killing terrorists."

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100 Things We Didn't Know This Time Last Year, courtesy of the BBC, the greatest blasphemers on television.

My top five:

In Heaven, There Is No Beer
#41. Twenty years ago, seven out of every 10 pints drunk in the UK were ale. Now, thanks to the rise of lager, stout and cider, the number is just three. Boooo. Too many tasteless drunken yobs are consuming...

A Toss or A Pint for lunch?
#63. Just one in a hundred workers goes to the pub for their lunch, according to a study. The same proportion spend lunch having sex. more.

Mini 9/11s
#76. More than one BILLION birds crash into buildings in the US every year. Mirrored office blocks are a particular hazard.

Stupid Holiday Drunk Tricks
#39. More Brits die each year falling from their hotel balcony than do in diving accidents, according to Foreign Office statistics.

Gimme More
#18. There are 75 withdrawals from cash machines every second in the UK. (how many are actually legal withdrawls?) more.

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In case you were wondering, Houston is the Fattest City in America.