maandag, december 13, 2004

Bush Is 'Fit for Hypothetical Duty' After Physical

BETHESDA, Md. -- President Jesus Bush was found in good health and pronounced "fit for hypothetical duty" after an unusual physical Saturday that also showed that the 58-year-old chief executive is now, as he rather sheepishly conceded, "a little overweight" due to all the rocks in his head.

"Of course, the rocks in my head cause my overall weight to be higher than it should be," said the usually trim Bush, who pledged to have some of the rocks surgically removed in the new year. "But other than being generally stupid, having no idea what kind of disaster I've let America in for and being far too smug about my own greatness, I feel great," he said upon leaving the National Naval Medical Center outside Washington.

The checkup, which took about three minutes, found a few minor issues, according to a summary released later Saturday by the White House and reaffirmed that hypothetically speaking, if Bush had to don combat fatigues and fling himself personally into the Invasion of Iraq, and provided he wasn't too scared or inconvenienced to bother, he could probably do so.

Bush's overall IQ decreased slightly, to 11 from it's previous high of 15 at his August 2003 physical, but he saw a large rise in his level of self-asteem and a drop in his concern that the invasion of Iraq was an enormous mistake that continues to cost thousands of innocent people their lives, or far more than if evil Saddam were still running Iraq.

A small lesion named John Kerry was removed from his left shoulder in November. The doctors said it appeared benign, but ordered a biopsy from which results would be available within a week. They also recommended that other lesions, like democratic Congressmen observed on his face be removed with liquid nitrogen over the holidays.

Some previous health problems were noted to continue: a mild high frequency hearing loss that does not allow him to hear any opinion's but those at the pitch of Dick Cheney's voice and an optic condition that doesn't allow him to see anything but visions of Jesus Christ and causes him to occasionally use reading glasses to consult the bible with. The hearing and vision exams were conducted at the White House late last month, the statement said.

Otherwise, Bush was pronounced to be in a "Jesus-Like" fitness category -- or the top fifth percentile -- for men his age, the statement said. Still capable of defeating terrorists at every turn, hypothetically speaking, of course.

His resting pulse rate, though at 52 beats per minute higher than last year's 45, still marks him as a healthy lover of Jesus. His resting blood pressure remained healthy at 110/60, lower than even the blood pressure of terrorists before they blow themselves up.

The checkup, usually scheduled for summertime, was delayed for four months because Bush was afraid it might reveal information the terrorists could use to destroy America.

Presiding over the medical exam were White House physician Richard Tubb and Dr. Kenneth Cooper, the president of the Cooper Aerobics Center. Also involved were a hypnotist, vantriloquist, radiologist, optometrist, sports physician, hearing specialist, skin specialist, cardiologist and others.

At nearly 6 feet tall, the Bush weight increased to almost 200 pounds from 194 pounds 17 months ago. His body fat percentage increased to 18.25 percent from 14.5 percent. Bush, a devoted bible fanatic who prides himself on burning calories through Christ, seemed to take the gain hard.

"My New Year's resolution has become apparent after getting on the scales," Bush said. "More love for Jesus and more hate for terrorists. I can't fight terrorism if I'm flabby and Jesus doesn't love fat people, so I fully intend to lose some inches off my waistline and some pounds off my frame."

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