Terry Schiavo Still Not Dead And Doesn't Need Feeding Tube
Sainthood Not Far Down The Road

Despite the US Court of Appeals declining for the fifth time to intervene in the case, it appears that Terry Schiavo does not need a feeding tube to stay alive and that the iron will and prayers of the good Christians of America and Jesse Jackson, will suffice until saner, more compassionate minds and hearts prevail.

Although it has now been 13 days since her feeding tube was removed and over a week and a half since Congress failed to stick it back in, and whilst Schiavo was weak from lack of nutrition, according to all reports her organs were functioning Wednesday and she was still alive.

Less than two years ago, this same Terry Schiavo experienced a miracle after doctors were ordered to reinsert her feeding tube following legislative flurry and gubernatorial intervention on her behalf but the stakes are raised now and the longer she goes on living without her precious little tube, the more beatific she becomes.

A group called Family is so excited about her ability to live without her feeding tube that she is being considered as a doll of One of the Original Saints, the proceeds of which will go toward funding more Christian organisations that use their outraged morality as an excuse to interfere with the American political system.

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Meanwhile, in a crass display of the pecking order of Christianity, whilst America tries to starve Terry Schiavo to death with no feeding tube, The Pope was being fitted for his own nasal feeding tube.

Vatican officials were at a loss to explain why Terry Schiavo could continue living without her feeding tube but the mighty and omniscent Pope required a feeding tube to stay alive.

An anonymous source within the Schiavo family scoffed at the news, noting "Our precious little Terry can live without a feeding tube, why can't the Pope? What kind of weakling is he anyway?"

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While the Pope needs a feeding tube and Terry Schiavo doesn't, testimony in the Michael Jackson child-molestation trial continued on with a weighty presentation on the definition of cuddle.

Flight attendant Cynthia Bell took the stand to talk about what she observed between the singer and the accuser during a flight back from Miami on Jackson's private jet. Prosecutors asked Bell if she ever saw Jackson "cuddling" with the accuser, and she said she saw him put his arm around the boy while listening to music. When asked if she considered that cuddling, Bell said, "It depends on what your definition of cuddling is."

She did not comment on what the her definition of "child rape" or "kiddy porn" is.

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And finally, in a pique of irony, it is reported that whilst Terry Schiavo continues to live without her feeding tube and the Pope continues to live WITH his feeding tube, Andrew Toti, the man who saved President Bush Number One, died.

Toti whose many inventions included an automated chicken plucker and a pop-top beer can and who was credited with inventing the Mae West flotation device, could simply not be saved after suffering a fall a few months ago.

Thousand of sailors and airmen during World War II owed their lives to their trusty Mae West, including a young Navy pilot, Lt. j.g. George H. W. Bush. Shot down over the Pacific on Sept. 2, 1944, the future president managed to stay afloat until he was spotted by passing planes and then rescued by a submarine. "Please tell [your father] a grateful Navy man who benefited from his invention sends his best wishes," he said in a message to Mr. Toti's daughter at a ceremony in the inventor's honor last fall.