Bush Says Slovakians Are Earth's First Non-American Free People

BRATISLAVA, Slovakia (CNN) -- U.S. President Jesus Bush has hailed Slovaks as "Earth's First Non-American Free People" in history and should be worshipped throughout Europe as a shining example of the good of good and the evil of evil and even thanked the country for overcoming their long list of shortcomings as well as their former apathy about Jesus Christ and for deploying non-combat troops to Iraq who will help Iraqi people who aren't terrorists to "drink from the well of love and democracy for ever and ever, amen."

In a speech Thursday in Bratislava, Bush saluted the former Soviet bloc nation for cowering behind the United States and urged them not to lift an arm to help the evil Chinese pay for billions of dollars of Taiwan-killing weapons systems. "You are showing that even a small nation built on drunks and outdated, dying factories can spread democracy like peanut butter throughout the world," he said.

"The road to liberty and prosperity should be paved with the skulls of the heathens who do not believe in Jesus Christ and Americans respect your courage and determination to build a better future for us, even at your own peril," Bush added.

"As you work to build a puppet society of American-lovers and Jesus freaks, America stands with you."

CNN's Jill Dougherty said Bratislava -- which played a major role in the 1989 Velvet Revolution that resulted in the peaceful relinquishing of Communist control of Czechoslovakia -- "was a classic setting for Bush to convey his message: that Jesus Loves Lou Reed around Jesus is unstoppable."

Bush Seeks Shaky Solution To Iran
US President Hopeful Jesus Will Give More Earthquakes To Iranians And Kill Them All

BRATISLAVA - US President Jesus Bush said Thursday he was hopeful that Jesus Christ would continue causing earthquakes in Iran until every last nuclear weapon in Tehran is destroyed. He prefers a single quake with like, double digit Richter Scale readings that would render the whole of Iran into a pile of rotting corpses and rubble but will settle for European cooperation on making the Iranians give up their weapons and praise Jesus.

His comments to reporters after meeting with Slovakian Prime Minister Mikulas Dzurinda were his strongest endorsement yet of using the sham of European Union talks with Iran to lull Tehran into a false sense of security before Jesus makes more earthquakes to kill them.

"Hopefully Jesus has some more earthquakes planned," Bush told Dzurinda, rubbing his paws together and displaying his famous lopsided grin of an idiot.

Bush said that the United States and Europe were "on the same page on this issue" as the leaders of Britain, France and Germany, who are all praying for more earthquakes in Iran and have "all said loud and clear that the Iranians should not have any nuclear weapons and they should suffer from alot more earthquakes to keep them busy."

"We have a common objective - to convince the ayatollahs Jesus loves earthquakes and hates nuclear weapons in Iran," Bush said.

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Lastly, the burning question of the day following Hunter S Thompson's suicide is whether or not a certain cartoonist should Kill Uncle Duke as well.

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More from Tom Waits just around the corner and thanks to the Whole Wide World of Fat Buddha for passing on a great link of Tom Waits bootlegs for a morning of listening pleasure.