The Bushes Are Coming! The Bushes Are Coming!

President Jesus Bush and his psychotic zombie librarian-for-life wife, Laura arrived in Brussels today at the start of a five-day love and destruction tour in Europe which will also take him to Germany and Slovakia and allow him to sniff the flowers of the New Europe whilst giving the Old Europe one last chance to redeem themselves and get on their knees like good subjects.

It is believed that whilst in Europe, Bush will laud obedient nations and extol the values of America which overshadow the liberal, terrorist-loving values of Europe. Simultaneously, he will attempt to strike a co-operative note and setting out a common agenda wherein other nations, like France and Germany, will agree to agree with America regardless of how hairbrained or dangerous the idea.

As Mr Bush embarks on four days of dogma and diplomacy intended to draw a line under obedient nations and the loving harmony of peace they've constructed in the New Democratic Iraq, the US president will emphasise his eagerness to use military power at the slightest provocation in order to achieve Middle East submission, disarm Iran and alleviate poverty and disease all in the same breath as one by one the Mighty Bush Administration sends all tyrannies and unfairness in general, tumbling over one by one like a line of dominos.

But while both European and US governments are eager to see a new outbreak of cordiality when Mr Bush meets Nato and EU leaders in Brussels over the coming two days, the chances of it actually happening outside the guise of playful media pandering and unadulterated lies promises to hinder the discussion. The only discussion that is important is terror. Jesus Bush intends to reinforce the understanding that God doesn't like terrorists and terrorists don't like God and somewhere along the line, something's got to give.

The first barometer of the US and Europe’s ability to forge a common approach to an shared problem will come on Monday evening, when Mr Bush discusses Syria with French president Jacques Chirac.

"I expect Mssr Chirac will be as eager to punish and crush Syria as I am," Mr Bush noted aboard Air Commander One to a group of groupy journalists hanging on every morsel of wit and wisdom that dripped from President Bush's mouth like liquid candy. "God is Great and terrible little tyrannies like Iran and Syria will have to be destroyed until they too are nothing but a barren land of civil war, destruction and human misery. It is what the Middle East deserves because we Americans love the Middle East so much and wish to embrace it with a bear hug of suffocating love, American Jesus style."

In addition to informing Europe how to fix itself so it looks with more reverence towards America and strives even harder to imitate it, Bush also will see the very merry Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has alarmed the West with Moscow's retreat from democracy and reminded us all how demoralising their winters are.

Brussels police, having the most fun and excitement they've had since clubbing and water-hosing German and English supporters during Euro2000, readied 2,500 officers - 1,000 more than the usual number for the three or four summit meetings that bring European Union leaders to the Belgian capital every year.

"Freedom and Democracy don't come cheap," Brussels police chief Gert Lablanche explained to reporters as his patrolmen readied their riot gear and practiced gassing innocent bystanders. "Sometimes, when people don't know what's best for them it has to be beaten into them, like a square block in a round peg."

In a speech Monday, Bush intended to express hopes for closer ties for Europe with Jesus so that they can forge a trans-Atlantic bond of happiness and Christianity. Courting France, the president has a private dinner with Chirac during which time, the president's secret service will attempt to poison Chirac if he does not learn to frog march properly.

On Tuesday, Bush is attending NATO and EU meetings to give rousing speeches in broken English. Wednesday finds the president in Mainz, Germany, for a meeting with Schroeder where they will discuss Christ's Role In German Elections. The trip ends Thursday with talks with Putin in Slovakia where they will plot how many different ways civilians can be bombed into submission.