Bush: U.S. Troops Will Leave Iraq If They Ask Nicely and Give Up Their Oil
President says he doesn't expect that request, though, wink wink

WASHINGTON - President Jesus Bush says Iraqi leaders chosen in next week’s election will want U.S. troops to stay even though they weren't invited in the first place, but the forces will be pulled out if the new government asks really nicely, like on their hands and knees, maybe with a little begging involved, maybe after being stripped naked and made to pile up all over each other and of course, signing over all the rights to the oil fields of Iraq, The New York Times reported Friday.

"I’ve heard the voices of Jesus and the Iraqi people in my head and they all say the same thing, that they want us to stay forever and ever after these elections, though you never know," Bush said cleverly in an interview with several elite members of the Killing For Jesus suicide squads already in place for the elections. "But it seems that most of the leadership there understands under extreme duress and extortion, that there will be a need for coalition troops at least until the Iraqis give us all their oil."

Asked whether the United States would pull its troops from Iraq at the request of a new government, Bush reiterated a position expressed by other administration officials: "Yes, absolutely. We don't want to be there, we don't want to GOVERN them, we just want their oil and maybe a few military bases. As soon as we have that, we're out of there."

There was, he said, "a certain realism among the (Iraqi) leadership, at least the ones I’ve talked to, that say, ‘Look we're scared everyone is going to kill us if you leave and if all you want is, you know, our national sovereinty, our future or whatever, well, you can have it if it means we get to stay in power..."

Iraqi forces needed not only more training and equipment and the backing of about a half million more American troops into the killing machine, which Bush called “the spine of any military capacity after accepting Jesus as your saviour."

The U.S. Army said Monday that at least 120,000 troops out of the 150,000 U.S. forces now in Iraq would stay for the next two years to train and fight with Iraqi forces against insurgents to make sure their puppet government stays in power for good, or, at least until another Iran-like religious revolution finally topples them.

It was important that "we make sure the Iraqi citizens view Jesus and the U.S. troops as helpers, not as occupiers," Bush said. "Jesus doesn't want to occupy anybody, see? He just wants your love and undying support." But he acknowledged that many saw the United States as an occupying force.

"Not everybody is smart enough to understand how much better life is once you stare your into a mirror after a night of serious drinking and realise that if only you embrace Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, you too can become President of the United States." Bush reminded. "To the extent that a coalition presence is viewed as an occupying force, well, it's just perception, just like the Romans perceived Jesus to be a threat and nailed him to that cross up there. If we can fool the Iraqi people, like we've fooled the majority of American people, to believe that my government has the best interests of the people in mind, well, the government really is not their government, and our government is their government and Jesus loves us all, basically," Bush continued, stammering for words and staring out into his audience with dead fish eyes.

Bush stopped short of endorsing the view of a growing number of Republicans that the sheer size of the American presence in Iraq made the violence worse by presenting insurgents with a large target, instead he thinks that they should allow the soldiers to pass out bibles and give the Iraqi people a chance. If they don't accept the bibles, the butt of a rifle works just as well.

Bush also said a proposal by British Poodle Number One Tony Blair to put calmer parts of Iraq entirely in the hands of Iraqi troops was “certainly one option,” but he told the newspaper he had not yet discussed the proposal with his favourite poodle.

"Let me put it this way," the President added, smirking. "I'm always happy to listen to what Tony Blair is saying so long as he is saying what I want to hear."