Bush's Unveils Secret Plan In War On Terror: Bible Study

WASHINGTON -- President Jesus Bush said Tuesday the United States needs better intelligence gathering to further gains in the so-called global war on terrorism and the best way to do that is bible study.

Intelligence agencies need to improve in one particular area, he said.

"Biblical intelligence, the ability to get recite verse and scripture, the ability tell our friends in the Muslim world the beauty of the Lord Jesus Christ, the ability to love Jesus Christ as your saviour and of course to listen to what he says and understand it -- that is what the world needs more of," Bush said in an interview with CNN senior White House correspondent John King. "That, and of course, no more gay marriages because gay people destroy the fundamental values of Christianity and are as big an enemy to America as terrorists."

Lack of human intelligence has been blamed for the belief that stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction existed in Iraq before the war. Their presumed presence, which Jesus told the CIA about, was the stated rationale for the U.S.-led invasion in March 2003, but the U.S. government recently abandoned efforts to find them after a series of biblical scholars and spiritual mediums were unable to come up with any solid leads and Jesus finally came out and admitted that the tricky Muslims had outsmarted him this round.

Bush noted that a group has been formed to determine what needs to be improved.

"Out of that crazy commission of liberal terrorist lovers -- coupled with the new national director of biblical intelligence, hopefully, this president and future presidents will get the best possible intelligence," he said. "Because sometimes we have to listen hard to what Jesus is telling us. Like now, as he tells us there are no weapons of mass destruction."

Bush said progress is being made against terrorist groups.

"Progress is when you are winning the war on terror. And we are winning. Look how many Muslim terrorists we've killed and look how few of us they've killed," he said, adding, "That's not to say al Qaeda isn't still a threat but it is to say, hey - look how many dead Muslims you've gotten for your billions of tax dollars."

Sham elections in Afghanistan and the Palestinian territory and those slated to be held January 30 in Iraq "will be a major blow to those who can't stand the thought of people being able to express themselves and determine the fate of a government," he said. "People like liberals and Democrats will have to learn that if democracy can work in third world cesspools like that, it MUST be working in this great nation of ours, whether they like it or not."

Hey, It's the Propagandists' Fault, Not Our Stupid Decisions

He acknowledged that U.S. popularity in the Muslim world is weak and blamed poor public relations, and the unwillingness of some people to embrace the love of Jesus Christ.

"The propagandists have done a better job of depicting America as a hateful place, a place wanting to impose our form of thought and our religion on people," he said.

"We're behind when it comes to killing people. Look, we Christians don't even have any suicide bombers yet. The truth about Jesus and America as a great tag team of justice for the world simply has to be told and all those terrorists and liberals are just going to have to listen or else we'll have to bomb them into listening."

Bush predicted that national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, whom he has nominated to be secretary of state, "is going to work hard to finish the job of creating irreconcilable chaos in the Middle East and helping our friends in the defence contracting and oil business continue to reap ludicrous profits via the sacrifice of innocent American soldiers in Iraq."

Her work won't be easy, he predicted. He cited "some peoples' irrational misunderstanding of our mission of bringing love and Jesus with every bomb dropped on every civilian in Iraq."

But he predicted that, "when a Jesus-loving country emerges in Iraq, I think people will begin to see the wisdom of the policy."