Bush: "Had I Known, I'd Have Danced A Jig"

Excerpts from President Bush's remarks to reporters in Fort Hood, Tex.:


Question: Did you see . . . the President's Daily Brief from August of '01 as a warning?

President Jesus Bush: Did I see it? See what? A PDB? When? Of course I saw it; I asked for it. I use them to blot the beer off my chin whenever I drink out of the secret beer toilet in the Oval Office.

Question: No, no, I'm sorry -- did you see it as a warning of hijackers? And how did you respond to that?

President Jesus Bush: My response was exactly like then as it is today. Snort up another line of coke, read another line of the bible and practice beating my chest like an ape. So look as Vice President Cheney has my back, I've got no worries at all, Osama bin Laden or not.

Question: There was, in that PDB, specific information about activity that may speak to a larger battle plan, even if it wasn't specific. So I wonder if you could say what specifically was done, or wasn't specifically done or undone and do you think your administration should have done anything more or should they have been less specific or more specific or should they have done something more or less and if you were a vegetable, what vegetable would the PDB have predicted you'd be?

President Jesus Bush: . . . Had I known there was going to be an attack on America, I would have moved to someplace safer. I could have been President of Qatar, you know. My father owns most of it. I could have been President of Qatar and I wouldn't have these kinds of problems damn it! My job is to protect the American people. I will kill every last Iraqi on earth in order to protect the American people, you'd better believe it! So, I think we should have done exactly what we did, which was to save America and keep Jesus in the picture....the PDB on my being a vegetable, I believe, was that I would have been a courgette.

Question: Isn't it true you knew everything in advance about 9/11 and that you are an evil conspirator in the great effort to make Vice President Prick Cheney the heavyweight champion of the world? Didn't the PDB have significant references to both Osama bin Laden AND Jack LaMotta?

President Jesus Bush: We were doing precisely what the American people expects us to do: kill in the name of Jesus and Democracy. But there was -- again, I can't say it as plainly as this: Had I known, we would have acted. . . . had I not been so in love with President, I mean, Vice President Cheney, I might not have been blinded to these potential attacks.

Question: Are you satisfied, though, that each agency was doing everything it should have been doing?

President Jesus Bush: Well, that's what the 9/11 commission should look into, and I hope it does, so long as it doesn't find anything meaningful, at least not until after the election, that is. I am satisfied that I've never uttered anything intelligent, not even in my sleep. The question was, who was going to attack us, when and where, and with what. Monkees with organ grinders? Space aliens? Giant phallic symbols with dollar bills painted on their sides? It wasn't an easy script to write. We had a helluva time trying to figure out where to stash Osama and his family after all this came about. And you might recall the hijacking that was referred to in the PDB. It was like trying to rewrite the Bible.

Question: Why does the caged bird sing?

President Jesus Bush: So we know where it is, which cave it is hiding in so we can hunt it down and kill it, that's why. And if you don't believe me, just act Dick Cheney. Or Condomfeces Rice. They all know. And you too shall know when the Lord decides it is time.

Good afternoon and thank you for your time.