Bush, Cheney Compete For Comedic Fiction Prize Before 9/11 Commission

WASHINGTON - President Jesus Bush and Vice President Prick Cheney met and performed for more than three hours Thursday with the commission investigating the Sept. 11 attacks, in what several members called "an impressive, creative effort" for the 9/11 Commission's Best Comedic Fiction About 9/11 contest prize .

In remarks after commission members left the White House grounds, Bush said he "creatively answered every question they asked, whenever Mr Cheney" allowed him to speak and that much of the discussion focused on his thoughts on the Bible and how God could have done a better job communicating the dangers of terrorism in the Book of Revelations. The chairman of the commission, Thomas H. Kean, a former Republican governor of New Jersey, said in an interview that Bush was "hilarious, a great comedic actor" and that the session was high entertainment value.

"We gained a lot of information - a lot of information mixed with some interpretive dancing, wonderful storytelling and some classic comedy," Kean said. "I think President Bush and VP Cheney are frankly, two of the best comedic fiction writers/performers we have in the country."

Neither Bush nor members of the bipartisan panel would discuss details of the performance, which took place in the Oval Office under strict White House requirements that the text not be revealed before some of the major television networks had a chance to consider the manuscripts for next season's programming and that the session neither be recorded nor transcribed.

With regards to the questioning about 9/11, Kean said there were no sharp exchanges Thursday, but he said there were pointed questions from commission members and firm responses by the president. "This is not a commission that holds back, and they didn't hold back today," Kean said. "When we think a particular bit might not work or just plain isn't funny enough, we say so. There were a couple of jokes where we told the president it plain ole just wasn't funny and the president came right back and said, 'I don't agree with that.

But even as members dug for laughter from the president, they were also mindful of the historic nature of a committee of citizens having a rare opportunity to see master comedic fiction performers in the White House, Kean said.

It was also an encounter with significant stakes for the president. The commission's final report is due in late July, a little more than three months before the presidential election. Thursday's session represented Bush's best chance to shape the outcome of a report that will render judgments on his administration's handling of an issue ? the comedic value of terrorism that has defined his presidency.

David Gergen, who has advised Republican and Democratic candidates on crisis management, said Bush's decision to relent and perform dances and skits for the commission makes it more likely the final report will be favorable to him.

"It was smart to do that. I think he's making headway with those who had doubts, who thought he was not a very funny president," Gergen said. He added that the most serious risk to the president was that the commission might conclude he wasn't very funny at all prior to the Sept. 11 attacks.

Text of Bush's Remarks

From Assassinated Press
Text of President Bush's exchange with reporters at the White House today, April 29, 2004, after he and Vice President Prick Cheney met with members of the Sept. 11 commission:

PRESIDENT BUSH: The vice president and I just finished a good conversation with the 9/11 commission. It was wide-ranging, it was important, it was just a good discussion. And I really -- I appreciated the members. I want to thank the chairman and vice chairman for bringing the commission here and giving us a chance to perform our heroic comedy act on different subjects. And they had a lot of good pointers, and it was -- I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I took the time.

This is an important commission, and it's important that they ask the questions they asked so that they can help make recommendations necessary to better protect our homeland. And -- but it was -- I enjoyed it.

Let me answer a couple of questions.

QUESTION: Mr. President, what topic did the commissioners want to spend most of the time on? And were there any subjects that you didn't answer or were advised by your counsel not to answer?

BUSH: I didn't really answer any questions. The Vice President and I have our own routine and have practiced for a long time. We don't need questions or tips on any of it.

Probably best that I not go into the details of the performance and let them incorporate it into their comedy report.

There was a lot of interest about how to better protect America. In other words, they're very interested in the recommendations that they're going to lay out and I'm interested in those as well especially considering I've proven I've no idea what to do about it myself.

And we discussed a lot of things, a lot of subjects. We discussed how God loves America and hates Islam and it was a very cordial conversation. I was impressed by the questions. I think it helped them understand what a great president I am and how I run the White House and how we deal with threats.

QUESTION: Mr. President, as you know, a lot of critics suggested that you wanted to appear jointly with the vice president so that you two could keep your stories straight or something. Could you tell us what you think of the value of appearing together and how you would answer those critics?

BUSH: First of all, look, if we had something to hide, we wouldn't have met with them in the first place. We've got nothing to hide. I've said it over and over. We love killing and we love Jesus and the best way to combine those two efforts at the moment is to kill Iraqi terrorists masquerading as civilians.

As I say, I came away good about the session, because I wanted them to know, you know, how I set strategy, how we run the White House, how we come up with these great lines of comedy that we do.

The vice president answered all their questions freeing me up to work on the interpretive dance bits and the goofy faces. And I think it was important for them to see our body language as well, how we work together.

QUESTION: Mr. President ...

BUSH: Who?

QUESTION: Don't you think that the families deserved to have a transcript or to be able to see ...

BUSH: You asked me that question yesterday. I got the same answer. Families deserve to be hailed as patriots. Families of martyrs and heroes and that's about all they deserve. Now if you ask that kind of question again, Cheney is going to come round your house at night and eat your children!

QUESTION: Can you say with any confidence there are no al-Qaida operatives active in the country today?

BUSH: No, I can't say anything with any confidence except for the fact that God loves us and hates them.

QUESTION: Did the commission ask you about that?

BUSH: What? God? No, they didn't. But I'm not going to get into any more details about what they asked me. I told you I wasn't going to give any details about what they asked me and then I fell into your trap. You reporters are a very tricky lot. How can I prepare my lines when you ask me stuff that isn't even on the list? I ask you, is that fair? No, it isn't. Now stick to the script or this performance is going to be a disaster!

So, let's talk about vulnerabilities, then I've got to get back to work. We are still vulnerable to attack. Enough said? We've spent billions of dollars, killed tens of thousands of innocent people and yet, those tricky terrorists are everywhere, like a bad infestation of cockroaches or head lice.

And the reason why al-Qaida still exists, al-Qaida's dangerous, al-Qaida hates us, is because in the long run, their very existence is a boon to us politically. So long as there are terrorists, we can kill people and waste trillions of dollars and we've got a good excuse. When the terrorists are all gone, we really serve no purpose other than the destruction of Earth as you know it.

But people need to know we're working -- we, the government -- at all levels are working long hours to protect America. We're doing the best we can. Of course, you wouldn't ask a chef to fix the gear box of your MG, nor would you ask a monkey to perform heart surgery, but frankly, we are all you've got between us and them -- if it weren't for us, you'd probably all be dead right now and Saddam Hussein would control the world.

The best way to secure America, however, is to keep killing. And that's what we're continuing to do. Because we're good at it and we like it.

Thank you, all.

Bush 9/11 session 'marvellous'

WASHINGTON (J-SPAN) -- The vice chairman of the 9/11 commission has described a session with the U.S. president and his vice president as "marvellous," according to administration and commission sources.

President Bush's comments were "the funniest versions of feigned truth I've ever heard, really bullshit at it's finest," Lee Hamilton said, according to the sources.

"If he wasn't President already, I'd vote for him right now. I think I'm in love." Hamilton told reporters in the White House Rose Garden, shortly after the closed-door session ended.

The session was said to include an apology for Justice Department attacks on a Democratic commission member and a detailed account of how the White House responded in the initial hours after the terrorist attacks.

A commission source on hand for the more than three-hour session described it as "funny, friendly and relaxed, the kind of session you'd expect from people who are more interested in comedy than truth" and said both Bush and Cheney were "America's greatest comedic actors".

The source said new information, at least in its context, was received by the commission even though the source considered the answers "somewhat predictable." This was possible solely through the creativity of the Bush/Cheney combination. Questions which are asked over and over again can get boring after a time. But the way Bush and Cheney were able to dance and sing and tell jokes was really unprecedented. The greatest fun most of these congressmen and representatives had had since they were engaging in morally irresponsible sex acts with minors.

Most of the questions directed at Cheney dealt with his thirst for blood and oil, because of his role at the White House in coordinating much of the initial response.

Both Bush and Cheney discussed their concerns about not being able to kill enough people to make those Iraqis pay for voting Saddam Hussein in as their leader and causing all the problems in the world.

An administration official who was not present but discussed the session with the president would not discuss details but said a significant amount of time was spent on the response to the attacks.

The president initially opposed the creation of the commission, and the agreement under which he and the vice president fielded questions took months to negotiate.

Bush, however, stressed cooperation in his public comments, even if that cooperation only came when there were no more options and the threat of him losing popularity became unavoidable that at least he cooperated at all. He could have just killed the reporters asking the wrong questions and that would have been that.

In a highly unusual move, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan publicly said the president was "disappointed" with the department's decision to make the documents public and that the White House had relayed its displeasure to the department.

McClellan also said that in greeting the commission in the Oval Office, Bush expressed his disappointment to the commission -- including Gorelick -- and said he did not want to be part of what McClellan called "finger sniffing."

And now that this very truthful and honest discussion on the Bush Administration and terrorism has been completed with the FULL and VOLUNTARY cooperation of the President, all Americans can go back to their regularly scheduled sitcoms and relax knowing that so long as the Bush Administration is in power, those evil little terrorists will be killed, everywhere, even the ones cleverly disguised as civilians and women and children!