Bush, Cheney Compete For Comedic Fiction Prize Before 9/11 Commission

WASHINGTON - President Jesus Bush and Vice President Prick Cheney met and performed for more than three hours Thursday with the commission investigating the Sept. 11 attacks, in what several members called "an impressive, creative effort" for the 9/11 Commission's Best Comedic Fiction About 9/11 contest prize .

In remarks after commission members left the White House grounds, Bush said he "creatively answered every question they asked, whenever Mr Cheney" allowed him to speak and that much of the discussion focused on his thoughts on the Bible and how God could have done a better job communicating the dangers of terrorism in the Book of Revelations. The chairman of the commission, Thomas H. Kean, a former Republican governor of New Jersey, said in an interview that Bush was "hilarious, a great comedic actor" and that the session was high entertainment value.

"We gained a lot of information - a lot of information mixed with some interpretive dancing, wonderful storytelling and some classic comedy," Kean said. "I think President Bush and VP Cheney are frankly, two of the best comedic fiction writers/performers we have in the country."

Neither Bush nor members of the bipartisan panel would discuss details of the performance, which took place in the Oval Office under strict White House requirements that the text not be revealed before some of the major television networks had a chance to consider the manuscripts for next season's programming and that the session neither be recorded nor transcribed.

With regards to the questioning about 9/11, Kean said there were no sharp exchanges Thursday, but he said there were pointed questions from commission members and firm responses by the president. "This is not a commission that holds back, and they didn't hold back today," Kean said. "When we think a particular bit might not work or just plain isn't funny enough, we say so. There were a couple of jokes where we told the president it plain ole just wasn't funny and the president came right back and said, 'I don't agree with that.

But even as members dug for laughter from the president, they were also mindful of the historic nature of a committee of citizens having a rare opportunity to see master comedic fiction performers in the White House, Kean said.

It was also an encounter with significant stakes for the president. The commission's final report is due in late July, a little more than three months before the presidential election. Thursday's session represented Bush's best chance to shape the outcome of a report that will render judgments on his administration's handling of an issue ? the comedic value of terrorism that has defined his presidency.

David Gergen, who has advised Republican and Democratic candidates on crisis management, said Bush's decision to relent and perform dances and skits for the commission makes it more likely the final report will be favorable to him.

"It was smart to do that. I think he's making headway with those who had doubts, who thought he was not a very funny president," Gergen said. He added that the most serious risk to the president was that the commission might conclude he wasn't very funny at all prior to the Sept. 11 attacks.

Text of Bush's Remarks

From Assassinated Press
Text of President Bush's exchange with reporters at the White House today, April 29, 2004, after he and Vice President Prick Cheney met with members of the Sept. 11 commission:

PRESIDENT BUSH: The vice president and I just finished a good conversation with the 9/11 commission. It was wide-ranging, it was important, it was just a good discussion. And I really -- I appreciated the members. I want to thank the chairman and vice chairman for bringing the commission here and giving us a chance to perform our heroic comedy act on different subjects. And they had a lot of good pointers, and it was -- I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I took the time.

This is an important commission, and it's important that they ask the questions they asked so that they can help make recommendations necessary to better protect our homeland. And -- but it was -- I enjoyed it.

Let me answer a couple of questions.

QUESTION: Mr. President, what topic did the commissioners want to spend most of the time on? And were there any subjects that you didn't answer or were advised by your counsel not to answer?

BUSH: I didn't really answer any questions. The Vice President and I have our own routine and have practiced for a long time. We don't need questions or tips on any of it.

Probably best that I not go into the details of the performance and let them incorporate it into their comedy report.

There was a lot of interest about how to better protect America. In other words, they're very interested in the recommendations that they're going to lay out and I'm interested in those as well especially considering I've proven I've no idea what to do about it myself.

And we discussed a lot of things, a lot of subjects. We discussed how God loves America and hates Islam and it was a very cordial conversation. I was impressed by the questions. I think it helped them understand what a great president I am and how I run the White House and how we deal with threats.

QUESTION: Mr. President, as you know, a lot of critics suggested that you wanted to appear jointly with the vice president so that you two could keep your stories straight or something. Could you tell us what you think of the value of appearing together and how you would answer those critics?

BUSH: First of all, look, if we had something to hide, we wouldn't have met with them in the first place. We've got nothing to hide. I've said it over and over. We love killing and we love Jesus and the best way to combine those two efforts at the moment is to kill Iraqi terrorists masquerading as civilians.

As I say, I came away good about the session, because I wanted them to know, you know, how I set strategy, how we run the White House, how we come up with these great lines of comedy that we do.

The vice president answered all their questions freeing me up to work on the interpretive dance bits and the goofy faces. And I think it was important for them to see our body language as well, how we work together.

QUESTION: Mr. President ...

BUSH: Who?

QUESTION: Don't you think that the families deserved to have a transcript or to be able to see ...

BUSH: You asked me that question yesterday. I got the same answer. Families deserve to be hailed as patriots. Families of martyrs and heroes and that's about all they deserve. Now if you ask that kind of question again, Cheney is going to come round your house at night and eat your children!

QUESTION: Can you say with any confidence there are no al-Qaida operatives active in the country today?

BUSH: No, I can't say anything with any confidence except for the fact that God loves us and hates them.

QUESTION: Did the commission ask you about that?

BUSH: What? God? No, they didn't. But I'm not going to get into any more details about what they asked me. I told you I wasn't going to give any details about what they asked me and then I fell into your trap. You reporters are a very tricky lot. How can I prepare my lines when you ask me stuff that isn't even on the list? I ask you, is that fair? No, it isn't. Now stick to the script or this performance is going to be a disaster!

So, let's talk about vulnerabilities, then I've got to get back to work. We are still vulnerable to attack. Enough said? We've spent billions of dollars, killed tens of thousands of innocent people and yet, those tricky terrorists are everywhere, like a bad infestation of cockroaches or head lice.

And the reason why al-Qaida still exists, al-Qaida's dangerous, al-Qaida hates us, is because in the long run, their very existence is a boon to us politically. So long as there are terrorists, we can kill people and waste trillions of dollars and we've got a good excuse. When the terrorists are all gone, we really serve no purpose other than the destruction of Earth as you know it.

But people need to know we're working -- we, the government -- at all levels are working long hours to protect America. We're doing the best we can. Of course, you wouldn't ask a chef to fix the gear box of your MG, nor would you ask a monkey to perform heart surgery, but frankly, we are all you've got between us and them -- if it weren't for us, you'd probably all be dead right now and Saddam Hussein would control the world.

The best way to secure America, however, is to keep killing. And that's what we're continuing to do. Because we're good at it and we like it.

Thank you, all.

Bush 9/11 session 'marvellous'

WASHINGTON (J-SPAN) -- The vice chairman of the 9/11 commission has described a session with the U.S. president and his vice president as "marvellous," according to administration and commission sources.

President Bush's comments were "the funniest versions of feigned truth I've ever heard, really bullshit at it's finest," Lee Hamilton said, according to the sources.

"If he wasn't President already, I'd vote for him right now. I think I'm in love." Hamilton told reporters in the White House Rose Garden, shortly after the closed-door session ended.

The session was said to include an apology for Justice Department attacks on a Democratic commission member and a detailed account of how the White House responded in the initial hours after the terrorist attacks.

A commission source on hand for the more than three-hour session described it as "funny, friendly and relaxed, the kind of session you'd expect from people who are more interested in comedy than truth" and said both Bush and Cheney were "America's greatest comedic actors".

The source said new information, at least in its context, was received by the commission even though the source considered the answers "somewhat predictable." This was possible solely through the creativity of the Bush/Cheney combination. Questions which are asked over and over again can get boring after a time. But the way Bush and Cheney were able to dance and sing and tell jokes was really unprecedented. The greatest fun most of these congressmen and representatives had had since they were engaging in morally irresponsible sex acts with minors.

Most of the questions directed at Cheney dealt with his thirst for blood and oil, because of his role at the White House in coordinating much of the initial response.

Both Bush and Cheney discussed their concerns about not being able to kill enough people to make those Iraqis pay for voting Saddam Hussein in as their leader and causing all the problems in the world.

An administration official who was not present but discussed the session with the president would not discuss details but said a significant amount of time was spent on the response to the attacks.

The president initially opposed the creation of the commission, and the agreement under which he and the vice president fielded questions took months to negotiate.

Bush, however, stressed cooperation in his public comments, even if that cooperation only came when there were no more options and the threat of him losing popularity became unavoidable that at least he cooperated at all. He could have just killed the reporters asking the wrong questions and that would have been that.

In a highly unusual move, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan publicly said the president was "disappointed" with the department's decision to make the documents public and that the White House had relayed its displeasure to the department.

McClellan also said that in greeting the commission in the Oval Office, Bush expressed his disappointment to the commission -- including Gorelick -- and said he did not want to be part of what McClellan called "finger sniffing."

And now that this very truthful and honest discussion on the Bush Administration and terrorism has been completed with the FULL and VOLUNTARY cooperation of the President, all Americans can go back to their regularly scheduled sitcoms and relax knowing that so long as the Bush Administration is in power, those evil little terrorists will be killed, everywhere, even the ones cleverly disguised as civilians and women and children!

The Diameter of the Bomb
Yehuda Amichai

The diameter of the bomb was thirty centimeters
and the diameter of its effective range about seven meters,
with four dead and eleven wounded.
And around these, in a larger circle
of pain and time, two hospitals are scattered
and one graveyard. But the young woman
who was buried in the city she came from,
at a distance of more than a hundred kilometers,
enlarges the circle considerably,
and the solitary man mourning her death
at the distant shores of a country far across the sea
includes the entire world in the circle.
And I won¹t even mention the howl of orphans
that reaches up to the throne of God and
beyond, making
a circle with no end and no God.

Dulce Et Decorum Est
Wilfred Owen


Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of disappointed shells that dropped behind.

GAS! Gas! Quick, boys!-- An ecstasy of fumbling,
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And floundering like a man in fire or lime.--
Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,
Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,--
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.
______________________

Camouflaging the Chimera
Yusef Komunyakaa

We tied branches to our helmets.
We painted our faces & rifles
with mud from a riverbank,

blades of grass hung from the pockets
of our tiger suits. We wove
ourselves into the terrain,
content to be a hummingbird's target.

We hugged bamboo & leaned
against a breeze off the river,
slow-dragging with ghosts

from Saigon to Bangkok,
with women left in doorways
reaching in from America.
We aimed at dark-hearted songbirds.

In our way station of shadows
rock apes tried to blow our cover
throwing stones at the sunset. Chameleons

crawled our spines, changing from day
to night: green to gold,
gold to black. But we waited
till the moon touched metal,

till something almost broke
inside us. VC struggled
with the hillside, like black silk

wrestling iron through grass.
We weren't there. The river ran
through our bones. Small animals took refuge
against our bodies; we held our breath,

ready to spring the L-shaped
ambush, as a world revolved
under each man's eyelid.

Another Day at the Berryman Dream Song Factory

74


Henry hates the world. What the world to Henry
did will not bear thought.
Feeling no pain,
Henry stabbed his arm and wrote a letter
explaining how bad it had been
in this world.

Old yellow, in a gown
might have made a difference, ‘these lower beauties’,
and chartreuse could have mattered.

“Kyoto, Toledo,
Benares–the holy cities–
and Cambridge shimmering do not make up
for, well, the horror of unlove,
nor south from Paris driving in the Spring
to Siena and on . . .”

Pulling together Henry, somber Henry
woofed at things.
Spry dissapointments of men
and vicing adorable children
miserable women, Henry mastered, Henry
tasting all the secret bits of life.

John Berryman

Eli Manning A Giant, Never A Hero

For those of you new to the arena of football players as martyrs and heroes, Eli Manning and his family requested that the Chargers not select the Mississippi quarterback, but San Diego made him the No. 1 overall pick. An hour later, after the Giants chose North Carolina State's Rivers, the deal was announced: Chargers trade Manning to Giants.

Ok, Eli Manning is now a Giant but until he proves what a swell guy he is and gives up his trillion dollar salary and runs over to Afghanistan to get killed like, oh, let's say Pat Tillman, he'll never be a "hero".

Now that I think of it, this is a great marketing ploy. Why doesn't everyone in the NFL renounce their salaries, and rush over to Afghanistan and Iraq to get killed so they can be heroes too?

They can call it the National Heroes League

That way, all the regular sort of schmucks who might end up getting killed fighting the Bush Wars but who die anonymously, not big shot heroes just because they used to play American football, can all go home and let the real heroes fight the war. Go team.

From the: Old News We Posted But Forgot to Publish archives:

China Lets Cheney Speak on TV but Censors Remarks Afterward


BEIJING, April 19 — Before his high-profile visit to China last week, Vice President Dick Cheney insisted that Beijing leaders allow him to speak, live and uncensored, to the Chinese people. The Chinese were more than willing to comply but they couldn't find a single person in all of China who could translate from bullshit into Chinese.

Anyone who tuned in to CCTV-4, China's all-news television channel, shortly after 10 a.m. on Thursday could watch Mr. Cheney deliver an address to students at Fudan University in Shanghai. A State Department translator provided simultaneous interpretation. "We have alot of experience with the language of bullshit but Mr Cheney's facility and ease with it made translating difficult." one interpretor said anonymously.

Officials sought to convey a relaxed attitude about what Mr. Cheney might say in public but worked to alter the record. "Mr Cheney might make any sort of crazy claim to the Chinese people. In fact, at times, Cheney's ability to curtail truth and let distortions and outright lies prevail is sometimes surreal," said Yu Maochun, a China expert at the United States Naval Academy who noticed discrepancies between Mr. Cheney's speech and the Chinese transcript. "Bullshit is a habit he can't kick."

Bush administration officials said they had not negotiated how the Chinese transcript would be handled. When the nonbullshit version came to their attention, they worked to prepare their own Chinese version. It was posted on Friday to the American Embassy's Web site, which has no bullshit and lies monitor within China.

Although Mr. Cheney was accorded the trappings of a state visit by a major foreign leader — motorcades, television coverage and meetings with top officials — there were no large crowds, and interest among the public most likely was limited to the vague hope of seeing his heart give out on him and watch him slowly die, gasping for breath.

Just Working For The Man

As the body arrived, the chanting increased. "Who is
stronger, God or Israel?" the speaker demanded. "God,"
replied the crowd.


"What is your hope?" "To die a martyr," they shouted.


Adnan al-Rantissi, 50, said his brother had been
granted that wish: "He wanted to die a martyr and he
did. God willing, he will be soon avenged by God and
the Muslim people. There are a thousand people ready
to take my brother's place in Hamas."


At the mosque Ismail H

Brought to you by the people of

You Love Life. We Love Death.

Cry Me A River

Boo hoo. Hamas followers will have to find someone else to unite them in murder and terrorism after Israel assassinated Rantisi over the weekend. An Israeli helicopter fired a missile at Rantisi's car in Gaza City, killing him and two bodyguards and injuring others.

"Hundreds of hands reached out to stroke Rantisi's shrapnel-scarred face and touch the bloodstained shroud stretched over his body outside the city's main mosque, while thousands of mourners shook their fists at Israeli F-16 fighter jets roaring above the funeral procession."

As this photo so clearly demonstrates: crime doesn't pay.

It's a real pity. But the real question is: who is going to want the job of top Hamas dog after this? Rantisi's predecessor was assassinated less than a month ago and now Rantisi himself. No worries about re-election campaigns over at Hamas HQ, is there then?

One thing you can know for sure is that the Jesus Bush Administration had nothing to do with this. Really. Just like 9/11, they had no warning. And trust us when we say that had the Bush Administration been behind this, it'd have been just another cock-up. Missile fired into a crowd of protestors, no missile fired in Palestine because there is no oil there. Any number of possibilities.

President Jesus Bush, as the dead man Rantisi often cited, is an enemy of Islam. Hmmm. And Truth is President Jesus Bush's number one enemy. Wonder who will win the battle.

BLAIR AND BUSH SHARE GOALS OVER IRAQ
Complete Destruction of a Nation, Increase of Global Terrorism and Maximum Killing of Innocent Civilians are the Objectives


Prime Minister Tony Blair has said London and Washington share the same goals for Iraq; that is the complete destruction of Iraq, to plunge the Middle East into anarchy and chaos which will in turn, create an increase in global terrorism and allow the West to continue to waste billions fighting imaginary wars of their own creation, and to kill as many Iraqi civilians as possible. All targets seem well within reach.

Blair and Bush have both "vowed to stay the course," meaning the game is going according to plan. Blair was also able to speak a few words all on his own yesterday without the assistance of Bush ventriliquism, when he dismissed the significance of a message believed to be from al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden offering European states a truce in return for withdrawal from Iraq.

"You know, I don't think we need Osama bin Laden to start telling us how to handle our political affairs," Blair told reporters after talks with U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan in New York. "I've already got President Jesus Bush to do that for me."

Blair ruled out even a mention of differences he may have with Bush over coalition strategy, whether political or military.

"Obviously the common aim and purpose is what is crucial," Blair said, adding this goal was to "create a unique brand of anarchy and chaos to demonstrate that Iraq cannot be governed by its own people and must therefore remain an giant petrol station for the oil needs of the West."

"And how we get there is the obviously the difficult issue, but our determination to get there remains undimmed. No disasters, no amount of bloodshed, no amount of hatred and disgust from the rest of the world will change our little minds one tiny little inch. We have to stand firm," he said. "Because as I've often noted, we have no reverse."

The U.S.-led coalition administering Iraq is due to pretend to hand power to an interim Iraqi government on June 30 in an absurdist ceremony designed to convey the US.-led coalition's contempt for the Iraqi people. But there is no consensus as yet on what form that government should take since any government formed will likely either dissolve itself or be overthrown within hours in any case.

A U.N. team led by senior Annan adviser Lakhdar Brahimi has been in Iraq, consulting with Iraqis and coalition leaders in search of an emerging consensus on the political transition, and is due to soon return to New York with recommendations.

But as the transition date nears, Iraq has been gripped by a wave of deadly uprisings and kidnappings of foreigners that have prompted coalition forces to do battle with insurgents and reinforce their numbers in a bid to reassert control.

"If people are killing innocent civilians we've got to deal with that," Blair said. "We simply can't let people get ahead of us in the race to see how many innocent civilians can be killed. We are the West after all and if we don't stand strong on this, if we wave even slightly in our goal to kill as many Iraqi civilians as possible, the rest of the world will regard us as cowards and there will be no more of our vaunted brand of peace and security" Blair said.

BUSH TO "REASSURE" NATION. THE RISING CASUALTIES AND INSTABILITY IN IRAQ ARE AN "ILLUSION"

President Jesus Bush will use the first 12 minutes of his prime-time news conference to reassure the nation that this thuggish reporting by the media about rising casualties and instability in Iraq is all "an illusion" and will confirm that Americans should go back to their regular scheduled shopping and merry making.

"A lot has been happening in Iraq," White House press secretary Scott McClellan said Tuesday in previewing what the president will say before taking questions at the 12th news conference of his presidency. "The president wants to give the American people reassurance that what they are seeing isn't really real and that the invasion of Iraq has been an unmitigated success beyond anyone's wildest dreams."

This is the third time Bush has used television prime time to hold a news conference. The other seventeen times he used a stick to scratch messages in the dirt for the few who were interested. The gala, entitled Iraq Is A Wonderful Place Full of Happy Democracy-Loving Happy People Who Love American Soldiers is scheduled to begin at 8:30 p.m. EDT.

"The president believes this is a good time to provide the American people with an update,"McClellan said, adding that he expects the president also will address rumours that he and his Administration are a debilitating collection of idiots with illogical and unfocused agendas that verge on fairy tales when it comes to usefulness in foreign policy planning. "This is an opportunity when we can reach many Americans, give them some more heeby jeebies about the fear of terrorism, a few good quotes from the old Bible and fill their head with gibberish and lies about how the world is panning out with a group of maniacs in control"

White House communications director Dan Bartlett said Monday that the president also is prepared to address questions about a memo, titled "Bin Laden Determined To Strike in U.S.," that he received on Aug. 6, 2001, as part of the President's Daily Brief. It is rumoured that the president will attempt to convince American people that the memo was really titled "Bin Laden Is A Great Guy And Comes From A Great Oil Family" and that the only way the president would have known there was a terrorist strike planned on American soil would have been if former FBI director Louis Freeh had painted the message in flourescent fingerpaint on his naked, shriveled body.

McClellan said the White House was considering letting the CIA analyst who wrote the Aug. 6 memo meet with the commission investigating the Sept. 11 attacks and tell them that it was really Saddam Hussein's fault that the world is in a mess.

Both Iraq and the administration's response to the pre-Sept. 11 memo that warned of threats from al-Qaida are crucial to Bush's re-election strategy, which promotes the president's record on national security (including a "Come to Iraq! Land of the Free!" ad campaign)

At his Texas ranch on Monday, Bush deflected questions about the presidential memo like Luke Skywalker with one of those electrolite-like sabers fending off Darth Vader, telling reporters that if the FBI had known about an imminent terrorist attack against America, the agency would have told him because he's a big shot and nobody can draw a breath in the world without him knowing about it.

Still, he added that now might be the time to "revamp and reform our intelligence services, see if we can find any intelligence."

To questions about whether the security situation in Iraq was untenable, Bush replied, "The situation in Iraq has improved. I'm thinking of buying a winter home there even. Really, take your kids on a family vacation there. It's a lovely place. We've turned it into paradise, really."

The president's upbeat assessment was based on a fragile cease-fire in Fallujah. The predominantly Sunni Muslim city west of Baghdad has been the site of fighting between insurgents and American troops after a mob mutilated the bodies of American security contractors killed in a March 30 ambush.

U.S. troops have killed about 700 insurgents across Iraq since the beginning of the month. About 70 coalition troops -- almost all Americans -- have died in clashes.

Another U.S. soldier died in Iraq Monday after gunmen attacked a large convoy of troops headed toward Najaf. Two other soldiers and an American civilian contractor were also wounded in the attack, officers in the convoy said Tuesday. Republicans continue to scoff, pointing out that these numbers of dead were nothing compared to a real good slaughter like the 58,000 or so Americans killed in the Vietnam War.

"A civil society, a peaceful society can't grow with people who are willing to kill in order to stop progress," Bush said. "It can only grow with people who are willing to kill in order to MAKE progress. See the difference? It's all in the bible, there. Jesus knows all. And our job is to provide security for the Iraqi people so that a transition can take place."

Vice President Dick Cheney, between licking blood from his fingertips and bathing in gold coins and oil, said in Tokyo on Tuesday that the administration soon would announce its choice as U.S. ambassador to the new Iraqi government. That's after they hand over power, see.


*****

Well Worth The Money

Have a read through Empire Notes - eye witnesses are hard to come by through my medium of television from a sofa...thanks to Whiskey Bar for the tip. Here's an excerpt:

"Some people are calling the killing in Fallujah "genocide." That's too strong a term and shouldn't be overused. They are allowing women and children to leave, for example. They haven't flattened the whole city.

Let's just call it what it is. It's an incredibly brutal collective punishment in defense of a regime, that of the occupation, that is less brutal than Saddam was but more than makes up for that with its negligence. Fewer people in the mass graves, more children dying for lack of medicine, more people being murdered on the streets or kidnapped. Hard to weigh all of the factors, but I've heard so many say, including Shi'a, that things are worse now."

A Description of the Morning
Jonathan Swift

Now hardly here and there an hackney-coach
Appearing, showed the ruddy morn’s approach.
Now Betty from her master’s bed had flown,
And softly stole to discompose her own;
The slip-shod ‘prentice from his master’s door
Had pared the dirt, and sprinkled round the floor.
Now Moll had whirled her mop with dexterous airs,
Prepared to scrub the entry and the stairs.
The youth with broomy stumps began to trace
The kennel-edge, where wheels had worn the place.
The small-coal man was heard with cadence deep,
Till drowned in shriller notes of chimney-sweep.
Duns at his lordship’s gate began to meet;
And brickdust Moll had screamed through half a street.
The turnkey now his flock returning sees,
Duly let out a-nights to steal for fees.
The watchful bailiffs take their silent stands,
And schoolboys lag with satchels in their hands.

Bush: "Had I Known, I'd Have Danced A Jig"

Excerpts from President Bush's remarks to reporters in Fort Hood, Tex.:


Question: Did you see . . . the President's Daily Brief from August of '01 as a warning?

President Jesus Bush: Did I see it? See what? A PDB? When? Of course I saw it; I asked for it. I use them to blot the beer off my chin whenever I drink out of the secret beer toilet in the Oval Office.

Question: No, no, I'm sorry -- did you see it as a warning of hijackers? And how did you respond to that?

President Jesus Bush: My response was exactly like then as it is today. Snort up another line of coke, read another line of the bible and practice beating my chest like an ape. So look as Vice President Cheney has my back, I've got no worries at all, Osama bin Laden or not.

Question: There was, in that PDB, specific information about activity that may speak to a larger battle plan, even if it wasn't specific. So I wonder if you could say what specifically was done, or wasn't specifically done or undone and do you think your administration should have done anything more or should they have been less specific or more specific or should they have done something more or less and if you were a vegetable, what vegetable would the PDB have predicted you'd be?

President Jesus Bush: . . . Had I known there was going to be an attack on America, I would have moved to someplace safer. I could have been President of Qatar, you know. My father owns most of it. I could have been President of Qatar and I wouldn't have these kinds of problems damn it! My job is to protect the American people. I will kill every last Iraqi on earth in order to protect the American people, you'd better believe it! So, I think we should have done exactly what we did, which was to save America and keep Jesus in the picture....the PDB on my being a vegetable, I believe, was that I would have been a courgette.

Question: Isn't it true you knew everything in advance about 9/11 and that you are an evil conspirator in the great effort to make Vice President Prick Cheney the heavyweight champion of the world? Didn't the PDB have significant references to both Osama bin Laden AND Jack LaMotta?

President Jesus Bush: We were doing precisely what the American people expects us to do: kill in the name of Jesus and Democracy. But there was -- again, I can't say it as plainly as this: Had I known, we would have acted. . . . had I not been so in love with President, I mean, Vice President Cheney, I might not have been blinded to these potential attacks.

Question: Are you satisfied, though, that each agency was doing everything it should have been doing?

President Jesus Bush: Well, that's what the 9/11 commission should look into, and I hope it does, so long as it doesn't find anything meaningful, at least not until after the election, that is. I am satisfied that I've never uttered anything intelligent, not even in my sleep. The question was, who was going to attack us, when and where, and with what. Monkees with organ grinders? Space aliens? Giant phallic symbols with dollar bills painted on their sides? It wasn't an easy script to write. We had a helluva time trying to figure out where to stash Osama and his family after all this came about. And you might recall the hijacking that was referred to in the PDB. It was like trying to rewrite the Bible.

Question: Why does the caged bird sing?

President Jesus Bush: So we know where it is, which cave it is hiding in so we can hunt it down and kill it, that's why. And if you don't believe me, just act Dick Cheney. Or Condomfeces Rice. They all know. And you too shall know when the Lord decides it is time.

Good afternoon and thank you for your time.

The Eternal Return of the Same

[...] but I think the details change,
crows' feet around the eyes of a man
who still walks around
but who died back there the last time,
the name of the President maybe,
the date on the calendar.
Something in us dies each time,
like our so-called innocence
each dawn. I light candles.
My country, 'tis of thee.

? Bill Tremblay,
excerpt, "The Eternal Return of the Same"

*****


Quotes out of the Times

Another Sunni member of the council, Ghazi Ajil al-Yawer, asked:
"How can a super power like the US
put itself in a state of war with a small city like Fallujah.
This is genocide"

***

Images of American-style Democracy:

In the no man's land
on the edge of an industrial zone
where some of the heaviest fighting has been concentrated,
Iraqi bodies lay decaying in the heat,
chewed on by wild dogs.

The surrounding streets were sealed off
and full of troops,
broadcasting warnings
that anyone approaching them
would be shot.

Witnesses saw bodies burning
inside the vehicles as they blazed
on the highway.

***
Yankee Broadcast

"The area is completely sealed off
by the coalition troops.
If anyone tries to get close
to a military vehicle
they will be attacked.
If anyone is carrying a gun he will be shot.
Thank you."

***

Overlooked when the coalition formed its interim administration,
the Iraqi Governing Council,
he has since recruited a militia of 10,000 men
from the poor and disposessed Shia communities
who suffered severe deprivation
under Saddam Hussein.

Hojatoleslam al-Sadr has now played his hand,
presenting himself as the firebrand militant leader
that the young and dispossessed were crying out for.

The police chief was murdered just days
before the revolt started.

Some Sunni fighters, who have seen their power wane
since the fall of Saddam, believe
the uprising may just be a prelude
to a civil war in which they would fight
to regain influence in Iraq.

He left his job as a supermarket butcher last year
to work with US troops in his native country.

*****

"The American and European news stations don't show the dying Iraqis? they don't show the women and children bandaged and bleeding- the mother looking for some sign of her son in the middle of a puddle of blood and dismembered arms and legs? they don't show you the hospitals overflowing with the dead and dying because they don't want to hurt American feelings? but people *should* see it. You should see the price of your war and occupation- it's unfair that the Americans are fighting a war thousands of kilometers from home. They get their dead in neat, tidy caskets draped with a flag and we have to gather and scrape our dead off of the floors and hope the American shrapnel and bullets left enough to make a definite identification?" via Baghdad Burning

*****

Love So Strong: Bush and Cheney To Testify Together

President Jesus Bush and Vice President Prick Cheney have finally agreed to testify before the uselessly pandering September 11 Commission in light of harsh, critical public opinion of the appearance that the President and Vice President of the United States do not want to cooperate in the investigation of the worst terrorist attack in American history. The arrangement virtually eliminates any possibility of divergent answers from Bush and Cheney, and lets Bush pass off any question he'd rather avoid and makes it impossible for the commission to ask either man any follow-up questions.

However, the dual testimony, which will illustrate VP Cheney's continued development as a ventriloquist, violates a fundamental rule of investigations, yet will be accepted by the panel as part of the 'allow anything to give the apparition of cooperation from the White House arrangement'

They deny claims that President Jesus Bush and VP Prick Cheney are experiencing an advanced phase of "puppy love" and do not want to be apart from each others' arms for even a few minutes to testify.

"Sometimes I get a little unfocused and confused when I can't have my scripted lines in front of me,"the President admitted reluctantly. "the Vice President is there to make certain I don't give any trade secrets away or do something especially crazy, like give truthful, non-evasive answers..."

Streamlined Question and Answer Process

By having the pair testify together, the dodgy question and answer process will be "streamlined" into an incoherent muddle of double talk no sane citizen would dare attempt to comprehend. The questioning by members of the 9/11 Commission will be limited to questions which contain no words longer than one syllable and which no words are are longer than 3 letters.

White House spokesman even Scott McClellan said Bush proposed the joint session to streamline the question-and-answer process all by his little self and didn't need any encouragement from the Vice President. He has suggested he may even move his own lips during the session.

"This is a good way to prevent them from getting the information they need and do so in a timely manner," McClellan said. "They can talk to both of them and help better understand how to piece together all the information that they've already received. Unfortunately, our idea to have all the members of the White House staff testifying simultaneously in very mumbled dialogue and sotto voce, was rejected"