dinsdag, februari 17, 2004

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!

Distasteful and annoying sycophant Bill O'Reilly, Head Chimp Communicator at Fair and Balanced Fox Chimp News, has come out of the closet and admitted that he was WRONG AS IN: FAT MOUTH WINDBAG LIES THE WRONG TUNE THROUGH HIS TEETH WRONGWRONGWRONG. Sorry. Couldn't help it. How many times did dear Mr. O'Reilly shout down 9/11 victims who protested against this idiotic clusterfuck of an invasion to begin with? He shouldn't just admit he was wrong, he should tie himself to a chair and be forced to watch 2 continuous years of his bloated, self-important pantomime of truth without commercial interruption until his few brains begin to slowly flow out of his ears like lava from an active volcano.

"Well, my analysis was wrong and I'm sorry," O'Reilly told Charles Gibson on Tuesday. "I am much more skeptical of the Bush administration now than I was at the time."

WRONG. Now if only President Jesus Bush would come to his senses, slit Dick Cheney's throat and makes his head roll in a somewhat bloodless coup and save the world for humanity, well, then there'd be some real news to report.


Kerry Flees for Africa and Categorically DENIES Lurid Sexual Affair with Wilbur the Talking Pig

NAIROBI, Kenya - Wilbur the talking pig, of Charlotte's Web fame who has been the subject of rumors linking him to Sen. John Kerry denied Monday that he ever had an affair with the Democratic presidential candidate or were in any way interferred with or molested by the Democratic presidential candidate.

Breaking his silence four days after the allegations surfaced on the Internet, Wilbur issued a statement to The Associated Press, saying, "I have never had a relationship with Senator Kerry, and the rumors in the press are completely false."

Kerry already has denied reports that he had an extramarital affair with a talking pig. On Monday, his campaign said he would have no further comment as he fled to Nairobi to "contemplate what his wife Teresa Heinz might look like lying naked in a vat of ketchup."

Wilbur's statement was released to the AP in Nairobi, where the young talking pig is doing a book tour of his new best seller entitled Charlotte's Tangled Web: Sex With Animals Can Make Them Talk and trying to stay two steps ahead of the local butchers. He previously worked as an editorial assistant for the AP in New York.

"Whoever is spreading these rumors and allegations does not know me," Wilbur said, appealing to the media to respect his privacy and the privacy of his family, the PigMacs. "I don't even swing that way. Kerry is a man's man, a war hero, a killer of babies. I wouldn't have sex with him if he'd siphoned off his wive's blood billions to pay me for sexual favours!"

Wilbur also took issue with reports that referred to him as a former Kerry intern.

"I never interned or worked for John Kerry, had sex with him, allowed him to fellate me, allowed him to pull my curly tail and blow wind up my arse or eat bacon with him " he told AP over the phone.

In a separate statement, Wilbur's test tube parents, Terry and Donna PigMac of Malvern, Pa., dismissed the "completely false and unsubstantiated" allegations about their favourite talking piglet.

"We love and support him 100 percent and these unfounded rumors are hurtful to our entire family," the statement said. "We appreciate the way Senator Kerry has handled the situation, the way he killed babies in Vietnam, and intend on voting for him for president of the United States."

The statement did not address purported quotes by Wilbur's test tube parents in the British tabloid The Sun that were harshly critical of Kerry. But in a later statement e-mailed to the AP in New York, Terry PigMac said he was misquoted by the Sun and that he suffered from turrets and that his wife never talked to the Sun reporter and that Wilbur was still technically, a virgin. Contacted early Tuesday, the Sun had no immediate comment.

Kerry has won 14 of 16 Democratic primaries and caucuses, and is expected to be the Democratic challenger to President Jesus Bush in November because he has killed more strangers than the coward and gutless President Jesus Bush who went AWOL when all the killing and fun was going on back in the 60s.

Rumors of a relationship between Kerry and Wilbur first appeared Thursday on the Internet and were picked up by newspapers in several countries outside the United States. Few U.S. publications printed Wilbur's name, however. Only the good ones specialising in filth and slander.

Asked Friday about the reports, Kerry told reporters: "I just deny it categorically. I don't even eat meat. It's rumor. It's untrue. And that's the last time I intend to respond to questions about it."

Regarding his silence until now, Wilbur said, "Because these stories were false, I assumed the media would ignore them. It seems that efforts to peddle these lies continue, so I feel compelled to address them. Oinkoink."

By Monday, reporters and photographers were camped outside the PigMac's Nairobi home, and at one point pursued the car of a giant sausage as it left the walled compound but, it turned out to be a meat by-product sausage, not an actual pork sausage.

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