donderdag, februari 12, 2004

Some Phat Hyperbole

In language reminiscent of President Jesus Bush's claims of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction and perhaps a close cousin of Lapdog Blair's infamous 45 minute claim, the heads of three royal medical colleges, in the wake of their terrifying studies on killer smokers and the insane pot head posse have found a new enemy to combat: Fat-arsed people.

They issued an unprecedented warning yesterday of a


that threatens to destroy civilisation and bring ruin to Democracy, McDonalds and fat little children:

The report - published by the Royal College of Physicians, the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health and the Faculty of Public Health - painted a stark picture of the problem. They compared their report, called Storing Up Problems, to a landmark study in 1962 by Royal College of Physicians which first outlined the health risks associated with smoking.

The group called for immediate action from "every segment of society" to reduce the rising rates of overweight and obese people in the UK.

Hmmmm. Let's all start the search for those deadly Weapons of Mass.


Giving New Meaning to the Pillow Fight

Organizers of the Lingerie Bowl, the Super Bowl halftime spectacular that had models and actresses playing tackle football in their skivvies, said the game proved such a success that they are going to form a league and a second Lingerie Bowl.

The four charter members include the Chicago Passion, Los Angeles Dream, New York Euphoria and Dallas Desire -- names that aren't exactly supposed to instill fear in anyone's heart.

What's next, pimply gay porn baseball players?


Perhaps in anticipation of Valentine's Day, President Jesus Bush embarks on charm offensive:

"I expected to find the weapons," he said during his recent Meet the Press interview designed to shore up Jesus Bush's credibility with an election charm offensive, engineering the president's first appearance on a Sunday morning television chatshow to defend his war record - not only in Iraq but also during Vietnam. "Sitting behind this desk making a very difficult decision on war and peace, I made the decision on the basis of the best intelligence possible."

But the president was also haunted by the events of more than 30 years ago when he was asked if he had fulfilled his service in the air national guard. "I got an honourable discharge," Mr Bush said. "I did my duty."

He also said he had supported the Vietnam war at the time, but had lately been visited by doubts because that support might have actually meant he'd have to go off and do some fighting on his own instead of making everyone else do it for him. "The thing about the Vietnam war that troubles me as I look back was it was a political war and more importantly, that I'm a coward and an idiot and would have been killed within the first five seconds my feet hit the ground. We had politicians making military decisions, just like now, when we have idiot presidents killing thousands because, well, it's fun and it makes my oil buddies plenty of extra money for those retirement days on Mars and it is lessons that any president must learn, and that is to set the goal and the objective and allow the military to come up with the plans to achieve that objective, even when the goal and objective set is in essence, a war crime."

(well, of course he didn't really say all that: it was his digitally enhanced excerpt....

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