(Tell me why) I DON'T LIKE MONDAYS
"Britain Will Be Siberia In Twenty Years"

A secret report, suppressed by US defence chiefs and obtained by The Observer, warns that major European cities will be sunk beneath rising seas as Britain is plunged into a 'Siberian' climate by 2020. Nuclear conflict, mega-droughts, famine and widespread rioting will erupt across the world.

A new sort of exciting EuroDisney, in other words.

Climate change"should be elevated beyond a scientific debate to a US national security concern", say the authors, Peter Schwartz, CIA consultant and former head of planning at Royal Dutch/Shell Group, and Doug Randall of the California-based Global Business Network.

"Already, according to Randall and Schwartz, the planet is carrying a higher population than it can sustain. By 2020 'catastrophic' shortages of water and energy supply will become increasingly harder to overcome, plunging the planet into war. They warn that 8,200 years ago climatic conditions brought widespread crop failure, famine, disease and mass migration of populations that could soon be repeated.

Randall told The Observer that the potential ramifications of rapid climate change would create global chaos. 'This is depressing stuff,' he said. 'It is a national security threat that is unique because there is no enemy to point your guns at and we have no control over the threat.'

*****

Secret Bush Supporter Ralph Nadir Announces Plans to Run For President and Fuck Up The Electoral Process Again Because Once Wasn't Enough

In a move sure to be applauded by lovers of President Jesus Bush all over the world, US election fuckerupper champion Ralph Nadir has announced he will run for president in the November 2004 election.

"Although I've not got a bloody chance in hell of winning, my presence in the election will prove to be enough of a distraction to liberal voters to allow the Faithful Followers of President Jesus Bush to divert another election into war and killing and further enriching the nation's wealthiest warmongers, I've decided to run as an independent candidate, BECAUSE I LOVE THE ATTENTION!!" Mr Ralph Nadir told NBC television's Meet the Press programme.

He stood as a Green Party candidate in the 2000 election and many Democrats blame him for handing the election to George W Bush.

An anti-establishment figure, Mr Nadir won less than 3% of the vote in the last US presidential election.

But many Democrats believe he took just enough support from Al Gore to hand the contest to Mr Bush, especially in the crucial state of Florida, where Mr Nadir won 97,488 votes.

Mr Bush beat Al Gore by just 537 votes in Florida.

"Careful thought About How to Fuck America Deeper and Longer, Like An Experienced Lover Should"

Announcing his decision, Mr Nadir said: "This country has a lot of problems and injustices which it doesn't deserve. There is not enough power and wealth concentrated in the loving hands of President Jesus Bush, who will fix all that needs fixing and kill all who need killing. And besides, I LIKE THE ATTENTION !"

Mr Nadir said he made his decision "after careful thought about how to fuck America deeper and longer, like an experienced lover should". Both parties are flunking, Republicans with a D minus and Democrats with a D plus," he said. "It's time to change the equation and get annoyances like Congress, public dissent and liberal carping out of the picture for ever and ever, Amen. PLUS, I LIKE THE ATTENTION!"

There has been an angry backlash against Mr Nadir, who turns 70 this month, since the controversial results in the 2000 election.

Thousands of people have cancelled donations to consumer groups Mr Nadir founded or supported.

A website has been set up called Ralph Don't Run. To date, there does not appear to be a Ralph Fuck Off And Die website.

'Total ego'

And with this election forecast to be every bit as close as the last, friends and leading Democrats pleaded with him to stay out of the race, says the BBC's Jon Leyne in Washington.

"It's an act of total ego," said New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, a big, fat pig who knows a thing or two about total ego.

Ed Gillespie, chairman of the Republican National Committee, said: "The fact is that if Ralph Nadir runs, President Bush is going to be re-elected, and if Ralph Nadir doesn't run, President Bush is going to be re-elected." Which part of fuck off and die doesn't the polemic Mr Nadir understand? Well, Mr Nadir said those arguing against him running were contemptuous about democracy.

"This is a fight for all lapdogs of President Jesus Bush," he said. "This is not a democracy that can be controlled by two parties in the grip of corporate interest. It must be a democracy controlled by one party, one ideal, one way of worship. AND I LIKE THE ATTENTION!"

*****

Now if this headline isn't historically apropos, what is?:

RUMSFELD DEFENDS IRAQ WAR AT MUNICH CONFERENCE

as opposed to:

RUMSFELD DEFENDS NAZIS AT BAGHDAD CONFERENCE
("Not of ALL of us, er, them, were bad...")

"Look out that window," he said he told the reporter. "And out that window you could see lights and cars and energy and a vibrant economy and a robust economy." concluded the baboon's talking arse.

So there you have it, folks. Look out your bloody windows! You can see freedom and love and democracy everywhere! Rejoice! Kill! Freedom!