In the Dwindling Days of February
Happy Feckin Leap Year!

That's right, folks. February has had it. Kaput. Fourteen more hours and the little tart of February 2004 has turned its last trick. Desultory Turgescence has some last minute observations:

1. If the collective owned a pub, it would have to be called The Pig Foot and a Bottle of Beer. Of course, this might not go off as well, or mean anything here in Warwickshire but imagine the countryside shack serving bottles of beer head and samples of Meltdown Mowbray Pork Pies:

PORK JELLY 1 pair of pig's feet, carefully washed (don't forget between the toes!); any pork bones, scraps, or trimmings from the meat; 1 onion, peeled and stuck with 4 cloves; a teaball with a pinch each of sage, marjoram, parsley, and a bay leaf (or add loose and strain out later); 1 envelope unflavored gelatin dissolved in 1/2 cup warm water; apple cores (up to 8) -- optional but traditional; 1 teaspoon anchovy paste (I personally add this to the filling, not the jelly, but most all recipes call for it added here -- don't worry, it adds no fishy flavor but preserves the pinkness of the meat); and salt and pepper to taste. Put all the ingredients but the anchovy paste and salt and pepper into a large pan and cover with cold water. Bring to a boil, skim off any scum that forms on top of the water, and cover. Simmer for 2 hours. Strain through a cloth into a clean pan and reduce to about 2-1/2 cups. Season with the anchovy paste and pepper and add salt if necessary. Chill overnight in the refrigerator. Before melting to pour into pie, remove any congealed fat.

2. The Ghosts of War have taken over Haitian Mardi Gras. Isn't it funny how the White House Calls on Aristide to Leave Power yet in all my internet searches, I can't for the life of me find one instance of hipster oneupmanship where Aristide Calls on White House to Leave Power...right. Fight the Power. Anyone up for a game of Fuck the Power. Or, perhaps just a game of FUCK played by the child molesters and pro-war pig board members of Clear Channel for all of us to censor.

3. The sanctitty of Jesus Bush's right wing whining about what constitutes codified man and woman "marriage" in their shady little myopic pig eyes whilst simultaneously, we are rewarded for such belief in faith with neo-Rockwellian stories about madcap molesting priests. The national reports released Friday on molesters among Roman Catholic clergy revealed that nearly 4,400 priests were accused of abuse from 1950 to 2002. Is this what Bush means when he says No Child Left Behind? Or no child's behind will be left? What Would Jesus Marry? A man or a woman? A human or a clone? A Bush or a Kerry? Whose side is he on, anyway?

4. Osama bin Laden has not been captured. Even that is news these days. "He is left-handed and walks with a cane." That narrows it down mightily. How long has he been the FBI's Most Wanted Fugitive now? June of '99? Hey kids, if you come across Osama bin Laden, don't try this at home! Taliban practical jokers are real crazy joes.

5. Oh yeah, in case I forgot to say it before, now we can all: Fuck Bush thanks to Simon Shaw.

6. You can forget about learning English for a living. Everyone who's anybody knows English is Practically a Dead Language.

7. If you happen to be some fat eurocrat in Brussels conducting important EU Business in the next several months, make sure to take in Une Saison en enfer, the Rimbaud festival and expo for a little levity.

8. So, we're wandering around Moreton in Marsh, having a quiet pint in what we think is your average, every day Black Bear Inn when all of the sudden, we meet Jim Steele, former footballer cum pub landlord, not only Southampton hero, but former NASL all-star with the Washington Diplomats. Small world.

9. In case you didn't get enough of him in the French and American Revolutions, you can now read about Immanuel Kant and the Iraq War. Something along the lines of a modern protoversion of Horton Hears a Who. If you ask me, we're all better off sticking to just Talk about the weather.

10. Bid adieu to February with a little Dorothy Parker:

Fair Weather
Dorothy Parker

This level reach of blue is not my sea;
Here are sweet waters, pretty in the sun,
Whose quiet ripples meet obediently
A marked and measured line, one after one.
This is no sea of mine. that humbly laves
Untroubled sands, spread glittering and warm.
I have a need of wilder, crueler waves;
They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm.

So let a love beat over me again,
Loosing its million desperate breakers wide;
Sudden and terrible to rise and wane;
Roaring the heavens apart; a reckless tide
That casts upon the heart, as it recedes,
Splinters and spars and dripping, salty weeds.

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ADIOS

when god decided to invent
everything he took one
breath bigger than a
circustent
& everything began

when man determined to
destroy
himself he picked the was
of shall & finding only why
smashed it into because

e.e. cummings

***

Poet Robert Morgan, Dead at 81

Ah, finally a reason to stop carping on and on and on about the local and international politics of dissatisfaction. At last, something more significant than the looming Bush v Kerry Happy Hour War. And yes, it IS news whenever a poet dies, no matter how significant or insignificant his or her works. Certainly more important than some fucking bureaucratic mercifully leaving our wake, or a retired Naval typist living in Bethesda, or retired marketing managers and the like -- the sort of deaths you can find in the obits any old day. No sir, Desultory Turgescence does not stoop to mourning the dead unless they MEAN something.

Just to give you an impression of Mr Morgan, for those of you who don't know him, never heard of him, never read a poem of his nor the literary journal he edited, here's a snippet from Dana Gioia online extolling his virtues:

"Death Mother" explores the myths of death, not only classical myths like the Hindu death goddess, Kali, but also mythic confrontations with death on a personal level ? inexplicable experiences that linger obsessively in the memory. Biography mixes with history and dream, and the reader is not always sure whether Morgan is speaking from personal experience or in a persona. Yet the ambiguity points out the underlying theme of the poem ? man's inability to come to terms with death. The ambiguity is also part of the reason why "Death Mother" is such an effective poem, even if the reader tries to resist it (for it is an uncomfortable poem to read). Like Eliot in "The Waste Land" Morgan creates a chorus of voices that switch back and forth, and no sooner does the reader hear and understand one voice than another comes into play surprising us with something new. For example, one sections begins:

Death is the least of things to be feared
because while we are it is not
and when it comes we are not
and so we never meet it at all.

These lines register immediately as familiar, comfortable philosophy or as poetry of a very minor sort. Then suddenly Morgan catches us off guard in the next stanza:

That was a Greek way of avoiding the issue -
which is, that ever since the blood-drenched moment
of primal recognition,
death has lived all times in us
and we in her, commingled . . .

and of course, the all-important NYT Obit.

How many of you will make it to the NYT Obits?

*****

Over 2,000 dissatisfied customers served

*****

Retro Spam: Tired of Searching for your next Client?

*****

Army Kills Comanche Helicopter ...No wonder they're not winning the war on terrorism. If this isn't a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face, I dunno what is.

*****

If it interests anyone out there, and it certainly doesn't interest me, I'm a completely disinterested bystander to this kind of hyperboleLondon Cabs Invade NYC! especially when 'Ik weet dat ik niets weet', I know that I know nothing, wonderfully circular logic, can be readily found in Filosofie Magazine -- it's this kind of information that makes wondering where my next beer is coming from, somewhat more distracting than usual. So, until the next untimely death, time to get back to the pursuit of X-Treme Latin.

(Tell me why) I DON'T LIKE MONDAYS
"Britain Will Be Siberia In Twenty Years"

A secret report, suppressed by US defence chiefs and obtained by The Observer, warns that major European cities will be sunk beneath rising seas as Britain is plunged into a 'Siberian' climate by 2020. Nuclear conflict, mega-droughts, famine and widespread rioting will erupt across the world.

A new sort of exciting EuroDisney, in other words.

Climate change"should be elevated beyond a scientific debate to a US national security concern", say the authors, Peter Schwartz, CIA consultant and former head of planning at Royal Dutch/Shell Group, and Doug Randall of the California-based Global Business Network.

"Already, according to Randall and Schwartz, the planet is carrying a higher population than it can sustain. By 2020 'catastrophic' shortages of water and energy supply will become increasingly harder to overcome, plunging the planet into war. They warn that 8,200 years ago climatic conditions brought widespread crop failure, famine, disease and mass migration of populations that could soon be repeated.

Randall told The Observer that the potential ramifications of rapid climate change would create global chaos. 'This is depressing stuff,' he said. 'It is a national security threat that is unique because there is no enemy to point your guns at and we have no control over the threat.'

*****

Secret Bush Supporter Ralph Nadir Announces Plans to Run For President and Fuck Up The Electoral Process Again Because Once Wasn't Enough

In a move sure to be applauded by lovers of President Jesus Bush all over the world, US election fuckerupper champion Ralph Nadir has announced he will run for president in the November 2004 election.

"Although I've not got a bloody chance in hell of winning, my presence in the election will prove to be enough of a distraction to liberal voters to allow the Faithful Followers of President Jesus Bush to divert another election into war and killing and further enriching the nation's wealthiest warmongers, I've decided to run as an independent candidate, BECAUSE I LOVE THE ATTENTION!!" Mr Ralph Nadir told NBC television's Meet the Press programme.

He stood as a Green Party candidate in the 2000 election and many Democrats blame him for handing the election to George W Bush.

An anti-establishment figure, Mr Nadir won less than 3% of the vote in the last US presidential election.

But many Democrats believe he took just enough support from Al Gore to hand the contest to Mr Bush, especially in the crucial state of Florida, where Mr Nadir won 97,488 votes.

Mr Bush beat Al Gore by just 537 votes in Florida.

"Careful thought About How to Fuck America Deeper and Longer, Like An Experienced Lover Should"

Announcing his decision, Mr Nadir said: "This country has a lot of problems and injustices which it doesn't deserve. There is not enough power and wealth concentrated in the loving hands of President Jesus Bush, who will fix all that needs fixing and kill all who need killing. And besides, I LIKE THE ATTENTION !"

Mr Nadir said he made his decision "after careful thought about how to fuck America deeper and longer, like an experienced lover should". Both parties are flunking, Republicans with a D minus and Democrats with a D plus," he said. "It's time to change the equation and get annoyances like Congress, public dissent and liberal carping out of the picture for ever and ever, Amen. PLUS, I LIKE THE ATTENTION!"

There has been an angry backlash against Mr Nadir, who turns 70 this month, since the controversial results in the 2000 election.

Thousands of people have cancelled donations to consumer groups Mr Nadir founded or supported.

A website has been set up called Ralph Don't Run. To date, there does not appear to be a Ralph Fuck Off And Die website.

'Total ego'

And with this election forecast to be every bit as close as the last, friends and leading Democrats pleaded with him to stay out of the race, says the BBC's Jon Leyne in Washington.

"It's an act of total ego," said New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, a big, fat pig who knows a thing or two about total ego.

Ed Gillespie, chairman of the Republican National Committee, said: "The fact is that if Ralph Nadir runs, President Bush is going to be re-elected, and if Ralph Nadir doesn't run, President Bush is going to be re-elected." Which part of fuck off and die doesn't the polemic Mr Nadir understand? Well, Mr Nadir said those arguing against him running were contemptuous about democracy.

"This is a fight for all lapdogs of President Jesus Bush," he said. "This is not a democracy that can be controlled by two parties in the grip of corporate interest. It must be a democracy controlled by one party, one ideal, one way of worship. AND I LIKE THE ATTENTION!"

*****

Now if this headline isn't historically apropos, what is?:

RUMSFELD DEFENDS IRAQ WAR AT MUNICH CONFERENCE

as opposed to:

RUMSFELD DEFENDS NAZIS AT BAGHDAD CONFERENCE
("Not of ALL of us, er, them, were bad...")

"Look out that window," he said he told the reporter. "And out that window you could see lights and cars and energy and a vibrant economy and a robust economy." concluded the baboon's talking arse.

So there you have it, folks. Look out your bloody windows! You can see freedom and love and democracy everywhere! Rejoice! Kill! Freedom!

From the "Why Not More Self-Promotion" Department, I bring you another poem:

Wireless Mothers of Jesus

In other words, they only listen if
they've finished talking,
authoritative claptraps, saliva lips,
causing droopy eyes,
changing channels make believe
if they're
outside all day in cafes, sitting
sculpted into leather beneath
the sun, the old Madonnas
on cellphones, cellulite sweating
into the vast universe of important rules
they ignore in all their chatter.

WAR OF THE POETS
Scottish Poetry Breaks Free From The Tyranny of English Poetry

The first volley was fired by Scotland when Edwin Morgan was appointed the Scots makar (poet) by the first minister, Jack McConnell, who said the Glasgow-born poet was the obvious choice. In doing so, the Scottish Executive broke with 336 years of tradition. Edwin Morgan is already Glasgow's poet laureate and is Emeritus Professor of English at Glasgow University and an honorary professor at the University College of Wales.

This leaves current "English" Poet Laureate Andrew Motion to sit all alone in his poet laureate fifedom with his ?5,000 and 150 bottles of Sherry as his Poet Laureate prize and weep syrupy tears of regret at having his power and title undermined by yet another bloody Scotsman. Motion tried to keep his quivering lips in the formation of a stiff upper lip, pretending to welcome the appointment by sniveling:

"I can't stop it happening," he said. "But I feel totally relaxed about it because there's only one Poet Laureate appointed by the Queen."

Appointed by The Queen??!!! Is the poet laureate of England really hiding underneath the skirts of the Queen?

I mean c'mon. What the fuck does the QUEEN know about poetry? Stand up like a man, Motion. Fight for your title. Don't hide behind some snotty little title.

The Queen hands out poetry titles to everybody for crissakes. She's given out a bunch of medals to young poets before. Like Alexander Pirrie, 13, from Bideford, Devon, brought commemorative poetry bang up to date with a Royal rap called 'Boogie in the Garden.' It opens with the lines:

"Hey there Queen!
Gonna boogie in the garden.
Boogie so loud
Gonna need a Royal Pardon."

I think it's a fair bet that the fact the Queen hands out your little title for poetry doesn't mean jack --

If Motion were a man of action instead of a little whisker-twitching rodent hiding behind the glorification of an old empty-headed poetry vessel like the Queen passing out poetry medals to every young punk who passes through her gates, he might have pointed out that the new Poet Laureate of Scotland is a crap poet. He might have dug through Edwin Morgan's previous volumes and found something like Absence which makes you realise that Edwin Morgan is a crap poet and if HE is the Poet Laureate of Scotland than Scotland must have run out of bloody poets:

My shadow --
I woke to a wind swirling the curtains light and dark
and the birds twittering on the roofs, I lay cold
in the early light in my room high over London.
What fear was it that made the wind sound like a fire
so that I got up and looked out half-asleep
at the calm rows of street-lights fading far below?
Without fire
Only the wind blew.
But in the dream I woke from, you
came running through the traffic, tugging me, clinging
to my elbow, your eyes spoke
what I could not grasp --
Nothing, if you were here!

The wind of the early quiet
merges slowly now with a thousand rolling wheels.
The lights are out, the air is loud.
It is an ordinary January day.
My shadow, do you hear the streets?
Are you at my heels? Are you here?
And I throw back the sheets.

Now, they say Edwin Morgan's poetry is irrepressibly experimental in imagery, subject matter, form and language but if Motion were a Man, he'd have pointed out these fakeries, these blind stabs at poetry and experimentation and would have challenged him to a duel like Thomas Moore once did to a critic. Thomas Moore was a man's poet, not some squeaky little bookworm hiding beneath his Queen's skirt:

Thomas Moore wrote poetry like The Time I've Lost:

The Time I've Lost

The time I've lost in wooing,
In watching and pursuing
The light that lies
In woman's eyes,
Has been my heart's undoing.
Tho' Wisdom oft has sought me,
I scorn'd the lore she brought me,
My only books
Were women's looks,
And folly's all they taught me.

Her smile when Beauty granted,
I hung with gaze enchanted,
Like him the Sprite
Whom maids by night
Oft meet in glen that's haunted.
Like him, too, Beauty won me;
But when the spell was on me,
If once their ray
Was turn'd away,
O! winds could not outrun me.

And are those follies going?
And is my proud heart growing
Too cold or wise
For brillant eyes
Again to set it glowing?
No -- vain, alas! th' endeavour
From bonds so sweet to sever:
Poor Wisdom's chance
Against a glance
Is now as weak as ever.

---the only conclusion one can draw from Motion's cowardly response is that he is afraid his own poetry might come under scrutiny. Or perhaps that he's a rich little poetry snob who thinks having the Queen name him Poet Laureate is a meaningful defense of himself and the five story imposing Victorian terrace house in North London he lives in.

And then has the nerve to write shite like Causa Belli with tosspot and rubbish bin lines like:

They read good books, and quote, but never learn
a language other than the scream of rocket-burn
Our straighter talk is drowned but ironclad;
elections, money, empire, oil and Dad.

Right. Poet Laureate indeed. Their poetry is as inciteful as a jar of marmite so maybe they should fight for their titles like American Presidential candidates fight for their campaigns:

With Big Bucks and No Talent and a big, fat smear campaign.

*****

Meanwhile, if you're looking for some REAL entertainment, there are plenty of Friendlies being played tonight. Of note:

English hooligans versus Portugese police and The Dutch versus the Americans who will be without the services of the US Military and President Jesus Bush this time around.

Predictions

Portugal 3 England 1
Holland 2 US 1

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!

Distasteful and annoying sycophant Bill O'Reilly, Head Chimp Communicator at Fair and Balanced Fox Chimp News, has come out of the closet and admitted that he was WRONG AS IN: FAT MOUTH WINDBAG LIES THE WRONG TUNE THROUGH HIS TEETH WRONGWRONGWRONG. Sorry. Couldn't help it. How many times did dear Mr. O'Reilly shout down 9/11 victims who protested against this idiotic clusterfuck of an invasion to begin with? He shouldn't just admit he was wrong, he should tie himself to a chair and be forced to watch 2 continuous years of his bloated, self-important pantomime of truth without commercial interruption until his few brains begin to slowly flow out of his ears like lava from an active volcano.

"Well, my analysis was wrong and I'm sorry," O'Reilly told Charles Gibson on Tuesday. "I am much more skeptical of the Bush administration now than I was at the time."

WRONG. Now if only President Jesus Bush would come to his senses, slit Dick Cheney's throat and makes his head roll in a somewhat bloodless coup and save the world for humanity, well, then there'd be some real news to report.

*****

Kerry Flees for Africa and Categorically DENIES Lurid Sexual Affair with Wilbur the Talking Pig

NAIROBI, Kenya - Wilbur the talking pig, of Charlotte's Web fame who has been the subject of rumors linking him to Sen. John Kerry denied Monday that he ever had an affair with the Democratic presidential candidate or were in any way interferred with or molested by the Democratic presidential candidate.

Breaking his silence four days after the allegations surfaced on the Internet, Wilbur issued a statement to The Associated Press, saying, "I have never had a relationship with Senator Kerry, and the rumors in the press are completely false."

Kerry already has denied reports that he had an extramarital affair with a talking pig. On Monday, his campaign said he would have no further comment as he fled to Nairobi to "contemplate what his wife Teresa Heinz might look like lying naked in a vat of ketchup."

Wilbur's statement was released to the AP in Nairobi, where the young talking pig is doing a book tour of his new best seller entitled Charlotte's Tangled Web: Sex With Animals Can Make Them Talk and trying to stay two steps ahead of the local butchers. He previously worked as an editorial assistant for the AP in New York.

"Whoever is spreading these rumors and allegations does not know me," Wilbur said, appealing to the media to respect his privacy and the privacy of his family, the PigMacs. "I don't even swing that way. Kerry is a man's man, a war hero, a killer of babies. I wouldn't have sex with him if he'd siphoned off his wive's blood billions to pay me for sexual favours!"

Wilbur also took issue with reports that referred to him as a former Kerry intern.

"I never interned or worked for John Kerry, had sex with him, allowed him to fellate me, allowed him to pull my curly tail and blow wind up my arse or eat bacon with him " he told AP over the phone.

In a separate statement, Wilbur's test tube parents, Terry and Donna PigMac of Malvern, Pa., dismissed the "completely false and unsubstantiated" allegations about their favourite talking piglet.

"We love and support him 100 percent and these unfounded rumors are hurtful to our entire family," the statement said. "We appreciate the way Senator Kerry has handled the situation, the way he killed babies in Vietnam, and intend on voting for him for president of the United States."

The statement did not address purported quotes by Wilbur's test tube parents in the British tabloid The Sun that were harshly critical of Kerry. But in a later statement e-mailed to the AP in New York, Terry PigMac said he was misquoted by the Sun and that he suffered from turrets and that his wife never talked to the Sun reporter and that Wilbur was still technically, a virgin. Contacted early Tuesday, the Sun had no immediate comment.

Kerry has won 14 of 16 Democratic primaries and caucuses, and is expected to be the Democratic challenger to President Jesus Bush in November because he has killed more strangers than the coward and gutless President Jesus Bush who went AWOL when all the killing and fun was going on back in the 60s.

Rumors of a relationship between Kerry and Wilbur first appeared Thursday on the Internet and were picked up by newspapers in several countries outside the United States. Few U.S. publications printed Wilbur's name, however. Only the good ones specialising in filth and slander.

Asked Friday about the reports, Kerry told reporters: "I just deny it categorically. I don't even eat meat. It's rumor. It's untrue. And that's the last time I intend to respond to questions about it."

Regarding his silence until now, Wilbur said, "Because these stories were false, I assumed the media would ignore them. It seems that efforts to peddle these lies continue, so I feel compelled to address them. Oinkoink."

By Monday, reporters and photographers were camped outside the PigMac's Nairobi home, and at one point pursued the car of a giant sausage as it left the walled compound but, it turned out to be a meat by-product sausage, not an actual pork sausage.

Masters of War

Every once in awhile, it feels good to read these lyrics again:

Come you masters of war
You that build the big guns
You that build the death planes
You that build all the bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks

You that never done nothin'
But build to destroy
You play with my world
Like it's your little toy
You put a gun in my hand
And you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther
When the fast bullets fly

Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
A world war can be won
You want me to believe
But I see through your eyes
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain

You fasten the triggers
For the others to fire
Then you set back and watch
When the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion
As young people's blood
Flows out of their bodies
And is buried in the mud

You've thrown the worst fear
That can ever be hurled
Fear to bring children
Into the world
For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins

How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I'm young
You might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know
Though I'm younger than you
Even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do

Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul

And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand o'er your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead

The Burning Question for this week is raised by One Thousand Reasons:

George Bush: Idiot or War Criminal?

Jeez, must we decide one way or the other? Why not both?

*****

Look kids, this year's new definition of futility. My suggestion is that everyone who jumped on this little bandwagon now go home and write a Thank You card for Mr Dean and perhaps even send him an absentee Valentine. Jesus Christ, Howie. Give up the ghost already.

*****

Spent our own Valentine's Day in the nether bits of St Ives and checking out the local Spingo. Hardly the nadir of romanticism but it had nothing on these mass lovers.

*****

Speaking of romance, there was a little bit of news that managed to weep its way into the subconscious this weekend and that was the predictable palaver over Alex Polier. Forgive me, but if you look at this mug you just don't get the overwhelming impression of sexual hijinks. Let's face it. Kerry doesn't strike anyone as a very sexual man. The fact that ANYONE would sleep with him, let alone have an affair with him, well that just tells you the state of American politicians these days. Besides, wasn't the old line of the Democratic campaign "I dated Dean but married Kerry"?, not, "I fucked the entirety of the White House press pool but had an affair with Kerry"?...just wondering...besides, it's already been officially condemned by President Jesus Bush who says he won't comment on Kerry's Godless Fornicating Ways.

Maybe someone should write about the big scandal of how many times a talentless clusterfuck like Matt Drudge masturbates every day, hmmm? Or is he still having frustrated wet dreams about his menstral cycle? Christ, it must be gratifying to make a living off of shadenfreude. A real journalist, Matt Drudge.

*****

I looked up Google's zeitgeist and was certainly not surprised to find ricin and Valentine's Day topping the charts. After all, if these two terms don't go hand in hand, which do?

What shocked me however, was to find that Tara Dakides made the list.

If you're like me, you're wondering to yourself, who the fuck is Tara Dakides and why are people looking her up? Another intern gone astray? Another lurid ratings scam designed to hoodwink the somnambulist American public into believing intern fucking is more terrible than country fucking? The thing that I disapprove of, wholeheartedly in fact, on a stack of Gutenberg bibles, no less, is that Tara Dakides, who is pretty ugly as far as American female snowboarders go, gets away with having a nickname like Terrorizer. Isn't that word banned from the American language except in cases where President Jesus Bush or his lackies and their subsidiaries need to use it to justify pilfering the public good? Just curious. Maybe Matt Drudge will unleash a scandal announcing Tara Dakides Fucked Her 12 Year Old Snowboard Polisher but then again, the Am I Annoying vote probably steals all Mr Drudge's thunder.

For the record, I voted yes, she is annoying. Aren't all female snowboarders annoying? Get a REAL life, Tara. Start your own soiled scandal sheet on the internet like my hero, Matt Drudge.

Some Phat Hyperbole

In language reminiscent of President Jesus Bush's claims of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction and perhaps a close cousin of Lapdog Blair's infamous 45 minute claim, the heads of three royal medical colleges, in the wake of their terrifying studies on killer smokers and the insane pot head posse have found a new enemy to combat: Fat-arsed people.

They issued an unprecedented warning yesterday of a

TERRIFYING RISE IN OBESITY

that threatens to destroy civilisation and bring ruin to Democracy, McDonalds and fat little children:

The report - published by the Royal College of Physicians, the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health and the Faculty of Public Health - painted a stark picture of the problem. They compared their report, called Storing Up Problems, to a landmark study in 1962 by Royal College of Physicians which first outlined the health risks associated with smoking.

The group called for immediate action from "every segment of society" to reduce the rising rates of overweight and obese people in the UK.

Hmmmm. Let's all start the search for those deadly Weapons of Mass.

*****

Giving New Meaning to the Pillow Fight

Organizers of the Lingerie Bowl, the Super Bowl halftime spectacular that had models and actresses playing tackle football in their skivvies, said the game proved such a success that they are going to form a league and a second Lingerie Bowl.

The four charter members include the Chicago Passion, Los Angeles Dream, New York Euphoria and Dallas Desire -- names that aren't exactly supposed to instill fear in anyone's heart.

What's next, pimply gay porn baseball players?

*****

Perhaps in anticipation of Valentine's Day, President Jesus Bush embarks on charm offensive:

"I expected to find the weapons," he said during his recent Meet the Press interview designed to shore up Jesus Bush's credibility with an election charm offensive, engineering the president's first appearance on a Sunday morning television chatshow to defend his war record - not only in Iraq but also during Vietnam. "Sitting behind this desk making a very difficult decision on war and peace, I made the decision on the basis of the best intelligence possible."

But the president was also haunted by the events of more than 30 years ago when he was asked if he had fulfilled his service in the air national guard. "I got an honourable discharge," Mr Bush said. "I did my duty."

He also said he had supported the Vietnam war at the time, but had lately been visited by doubts because that support might have actually meant he'd have to go off and do some fighting on his own instead of making everyone else do it for him. "The thing about the Vietnam war that troubles me as I look back was it was a political war and more importantly, that I'm a coward and an idiot and would have been killed within the first five seconds my feet hit the ground. We had politicians making military decisions, just like now, when we have idiot presidents killing thousands because, well, it's fun and it makes my oil buddies plenty of extra money for those retirement days on Mars and it is lessons that any president must learn, and that is to set the goal and the objective and allow the military to come up with the plans to achieve that objective, even when the goal and objective set is in essence, a war crime."

(well, of course he didn't really say all that: it was his digitally enhanced excerpt....

Do not use clingfilm as condoms – Health experts tell teenagers

Many teenagers in the UK, in order to save money, are using clingfilm (and even packets of crisps) instead of condoms.

Experts are saying that there are two problems here. 1. They do not work. 2. They do not protect from sexually transmitted diseases.

The UK Family Planning Association says that the government should supply free condoms.

According to Peter Greenhouse (Milne Centre for Sexual Health, Bristol, UK), such practice is common in the poorer areas of the UK.

He would like to see condoms freely available at doctors’ surgeries nationwide.

*****

CIA Confused Saddam Hussein With Vidal Sassoon

The biggest Intel goof ever, Kay tells Senate.
By Andy Borowitz


Intercepted chatter that the Central Intelligence Agency thought was about Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was actually about hairstyling wizard Vidal Sassoon, former weapons inspector David Kay told the Senate Armed Services Committee today.

Referring to classified transcripts that were used to justify going to war with Iraq, Mr. Kay told his Senate inquisitors, “Once you realize that they’re talking about a hair-salon pioneer and not a Middle Eastern madman, it really changes everything.”

Characterizing the Hussein-Sassoon mix-up as the “biggest intel goof ever,” Mr. Kay went on to say that Mr. Sassoon was not seeking weapons of mass destruction, but rather “lessons in mass production.”

“He felt that his line of shampoos, conditioners and styling mousses could be produced more efficiently,” Mr. Kay said.

While acknowledging that Mr. Sassoon was attempting to obtain chemical and biological agents, a red-faced Mr. Kay conceded, “That’s pretty much what shampoo is made of, when you stop and think about it.”

Intercepted chatter supposedly about germ warfare, Mr. Kay went on, was not about germ warfare at all but rather “Jhirmack Haircare,” a competitor of Mr. Sassoon’s.

While Mr. Kay resisted the temptation to draw too many conclusions about the appropriateness of U.S. military action in Iraq, he said, “There remains a troubling possibility that we invaded Iraq to prevent Vidal Sassoon from helping women restore body, luster and shine to even the most damaged hair.”

Mr. Kay concluded his testimony by revealing that it now appears that Saddam Hussein was not attempting to acquire WMD but may have logged onto WebMD, the popular medical-advice website.

45 Minutes And Counting

In a lovely touch of revisionist history, Lapdog Tony Blair admitted that he had asked the Commons to approve the war against Iraq without knowing that the 45-minute claim in the Downing Street dossier referred only to battlefield weapons. Although Geoff Hoon, the Defence Secretary, and Robin Cook, the former Foreign Secretary, were aware at the time that the claim did not refer to long-range weapons, he did not, Mr Blair told a Conservative MP in the Commons. Imagine that. How do you dance yourself into a corner where the only possible conclusions one could draw is that you are incredibly stupid or an incorrigible liar who sent the sons and daughters of the country you lead to useless death?

Fifty-one percent of British voters want Prime Minister Tony Blair to resign and 54 percent believe he lied to the nation over the threat posed by Saddam Hussein, according to a poll published by the Independent newspaper's Saturday edition.

"Given what you know now, do you think Tony Blair lied to the nation over the threat posed by Iraq?" 54 percent responded "yes" and 31 percent said "no" with the rest "undecided".

In other words, The 45 minute case collpses -- Tony Blair was sent three intelligence reports in the six months during the run up to the Iraq war, including one that warned him that information on whether Saddam Hussein still held any chemical or biological weapons was "inconsistent" and "sparse".

Jeez, wouldn't it have been cool if the case had collapsed the minute B.liar tried on his first pair of Presidential Jesus Bush panties and dressed up like a swashbuckling doer of good and eliminator of evil, to sway the nation into a dance of war?

*****

By amazing coincidence, about 45 minutes after George Bush expressed his disappointment and concern and shock and awe that there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and said he too, like all good, Jesus-lovin' Amurricans, wants to know the facts about how they could have been so fucking stupid, Lapdog Blair was on his knees, drooling and pledging his allegiance the notion that this is all a big fucking shock and Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do!

*****

In another invasion of Truth, President Jesus Bush made the unprecedented move on appearing on Meet The Press. Asked by Tim Russert, the host of "Meet the Press," whether the war was worth 530 American lives and thousands of injuries even though inspectors have found no stockpiles of banned weapons in Iraq, Mr. Bush said it was "essential that I explain this properly to the parents of those who lost their lives." (C'mon kiddies, sing along with the President: "Saddam is baaaaaaad! Bush is gooooood!")

Saddam Hussein, the former Iraqi leader, "was dangerous, and I'm not just going to leave him in power and trust a madman," Mr. Bush said. WHY NOT??? America trusts a madman! America let a madman and his monkey circus of oily murderers into power! Let's let every country have their own MADMAN! Let's recreate the geographic features of the Earth so that when it is looked at from space, you can see nothing but the face of a Madman! That'll scare all the aliens to stay away from us! I want to know the truth why there aren't more madmen in the world! Earth Needs Madmen!

*****

And now that everyone is coming out of the woodwork expressing their amazement that the no one could conjure up WMDs, you've also got to wonder why Colin Powell hasn't resigned in humiliation, first of all, for making idiotic statements to the UN about non-existent weapons of mass destruction and being laughed at for the absurdist presentation he made and secondly, if that weren't enough, to have to stand there now and say he isn't sure he'd have supported the invasion if he had known Iraq didn't have stockpiles of banned weapons.

"Oh, if only I had know!" he wailed with his failed satellite photographs and dressed in his favourite "Jesus Bush is Always Right!" teeshirt and matching baseball cap:

If Only You Knew

I can lift you with my heart
Give you meaning every day
Cannot live without your truth

And be the true me
To be the true you

Pick the flowers from your floor
Put them in your arms for you my love
Realise my life and more

Say you will 'n' then

Take me home
Make me clear
It feels so much better
Take me home
To this heart of hearts

If only you knew
You caught me when I was falling
Yes you caught me when I was falling fast

And only you knew
You answered me when I was calling you
You saw me when I was dreaming you
Into my life

Everyone who looks at you
Sees the loving in your every move
You're the healing of the soul

To be the true you
To be the true me

I will be your strength all time
Ever wishing you this love and more
Forever be your guiding song

Say you will and then

Take me home
Make me clear
To feel so much better
In this life
In your heart of hearts

If only you knew
How you caught me when I was falling
Yes you caught me when I was falling fast

And only you knew
You answered me when I was calling you
You saw me when I was dreaming you
Into my life

When I feel the hurt in so many peoples' lives
I take a deep breath and think of your smile your eyes

When I hear the sadness of this earthtime
Then I take a deep breath and know that you understand
That you understand

And only you knew
How you caught me when I was falling fast
Caught me when I was falling fast

If only you knew
How you answered me when I was calling you
You saw me when I was dreaming you

If only you knew
Yes you caught me when I was falling fast
You caught me when I was falling
Into your life

Poor Mr Powell. If only he knew. (Janet Jackson was going to flash a tit during the Super Bowl.)

*****

All the shock and awe in JesusLand about a Super Bowl single tit, which reminds one of the old slogan: martinis are like a women's breasts: two are perfect, three is just too many". --- indeed. Imagine if Janet's top had been ripped off by Justin Twit-in-lake to expose not one, but THREE alien breasts housing all of Saddam's weapons of mass destruction, firing missiles at the crowd, exploding breast milk like a water cannon at the players' team benches, while Michael Jackson interfered with a feisty Donald Rumsfeld in between sleeping on the fifty yard line with everyone under 10 years old in the stadium. Filthy, Sadistic and Criminal Invasion of the Jacksons! By criminy, we'd be running for the aisles, our three D glasses ripped from the front of our faces in terror, we would!

*****

Bush Family Values: War, Wealth, Oil

******

Desultory Turgescence Poem of the Morning:

Saturday Afternoon In The Fountains

We both had the same
zero-sum game dream
suddenly awry simultaneously
cut losses won and worn
like a pike wears a head.

Gimme back my Empire,
there's already too many irons in the fire,
Gimme Pax Americana in fiefdoms
of McDonaldland franchises.

We both wore the same haircuts
and gave the same salutes to mannequins
we saw standing around doing nothing
because based on their hunches,
we were lost.

We both wanted the same oligopoly:
control of all the pay toilets along the interstate,
rigorous enforcement, with pesticides, if necessary,
of the law of supply and demand.

Gimme back my Empire,
down to its lowest common denominator,
Gimme a colony of irrefutable evidence,
and oxygen masks for the sunset ahead.

We both ate sand and spit up a universe of stars.
Everthing was created around us. A comlexity
of ice cream flavors and shopping market shelves
shaved down to choirs singing the same jingle
we both sang to ourselves until the lights went out.

President Disserter Jesus Bush

Right, for some kicks, you can always have a look at President Disserter Jesus Bush's Military Record and then you can sit back and smoke a joint whilst you wait for the 7 trillion dollar special interest counterattack evolves.

and if that isn't your salami, then

Awol Bush is something every child in America should have on their little nightstands, right next to their wax Jesus and their nightlight.

Mr No Reverse Windbag President Jesus Bush's Personal Lapdog and Muppet, Tony Blair

In his own words



'[Saddam's] weapons of mass destruction programme is
active, detailed and growing. The policy of
containment is not working'

September 24 2002

*****

'I have got no doubt either that the purpose of our
challenge from the UN is disarmament of weapons of
mass destruction, it is not regime change'

November 18 2002

*****

'Not only do we know that Saddam has weapons of mass
destruction, we also know he is capable of using them'

November 30 2002


'We are now asked to accept that in the last few
years, contrary to all history and all intelligence,
he decided unilaterally to destroy the weapons. Such a
claim is palpably absurd'

March 18 2003


'Tonight, British servicemen and women are engaged
from air, land and sea. Their mission: to remove
Saddam Hussein from power, and disarm Iraq of its
weapons of mass destruction'

March 20 2003


'Before people crow about the absence of weapons of
mass destruction, I suggest they wait a little bit. I
remain confident that they will be found"

April 28 2003

'I am absolutely convinced that and confident about
the case on weapons of mass destruction... you and
others will be eating some of your words"

April 30 2003

Good one, arsehole. Who's eating the words now, Bush's gay bar muppet?

Public Absurdist Announcement:

The "Inquiry" is another whitewash, another attempt to find ANY ONE to take the blame. Fortunately, the Lib Dems are not as gullible as the power-mad Tories.

Blaming only the spooks, like blaming only the BBC, is like beating the waiter about the head because the chef has overcooked the joint.

Big Secrets Revealed

Yes, it's better to get a good night's sleep before work rather than staying out drinking pints until the wee hours of the morning, or dawn.

Stupor Bowl

It just isn't the same on the other side of the pond. Instead of struggling to calculate the possibilities of possible outcomes, instead of analysing and overanalysing advantages, disadvantages, frogs and princes, the staff of Desultory Turgescence was sitting in the wind and rain at St Andrews Road watching a nerve-wracking 1-1, last minute draw between Birmingham and Newcastle. Riots were few but the lads from Newcastle in the stands fairly outchanted the Blue faithful from our end of the corner right beside the visitors beach of black and white.

In any event, I did scratch out a brief, yet brilliant analysis and prediction, out of the sheer need of habituality which can be found here -- to cut to the chase, so to speak, the final score is planned out as:

Carolina 20 New England 16

*****

"There are very few human beings who
receive the truth, complete & staggering,
by instant illumination. Most of them
acquire it fragment by fragment, on a
small scale, by successive developments,
cellularly, like a laborious mosaic."

? Anais Nin

Matt Nosanchuk, a campaign worker, after the Manchester rally. "But it's about electability.

People would vote for a cat if he could beat George Bush."

*****

Another Heaping Dollop of Bias, Please

After all the weeks and weeks of hubbub, speculation and greedy anticipation, it turns out the Hutton Report evolved into little than a corrupted Whitewash, a Tony Blair cheerleading convention of one-sided judgements that no one except the pampered pricks at 10 Downing Street would take seriously.

Not surprisingly, departing BBC Director General Greg Dyke said Lord Hutton had "given the benefit of doubt to every government witness and not to any at the BBC"

Seriously though, whilst one might expect the losing side to belittle the spoils of the victors, Hutton's report was a better example of spindoctoring than impartial, judicial weighing of facts.

Meanwhile, back in the Lair of Evil, the house of neocon cards is starting to waver as even President Jesus Bush now has to bow to reality on occasion. Of course, you needn't hold your breath in expectation of a fair and unbiased inquiry:

"By joining the effort to create the commission rather than allowing Congress to develop its framework on its own, Bush will likely have more leverage to keep the focus on the CIA and other intelligence agencies rather than on the White House. Democrats have asserted that Bush exaggerated the intelligence on Iraq to justify going war, a theory that was boosted by recent allegations from former Treasury secretary Paul H. O'Neill that Bush had contemplated Hussein's ouster long before the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks."

And if it's democracy you're after, better not look at Iraq any time soon:

Last week at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, Iranian President Mohammed Khatami expressed what hundreds of millions of Muslims are feeling all over the world: "The American administration invaded Afghanistan to find [Osama] bin Laden, where is bin Laden? The Americans occupied Iraq under the pretext of installing democracy and finding weapons of mass destruction. Where are these weapons and where is democracy?" Khatami also revealed how Iran is closely monitoring the confrontation between the proconsul and the marja: "Ayatollah Sistani demanded direct democracy, and the Americans refuse it. That's what we have always proposed, one man, one vote." Also in Davos, John Ruggie, professor of international affairs at Harvard and an adviser to Annan, has been far from enthusiastic: "The Bush administration has not changed. The Americans' attitude does not incite anybody to cooperate with them."

*****

Free Verse:

In a 1956 Newsweek interview poet Robert Frost, asked about writing free verse, snaps:

"I'd just as soon play tennis with the net down."

No Free Verse:

The Censored Ad: Cute Children Doing Difficult Work


The ad that CBS refused, claiming it has a policy that forbids advertising on ?controversial issues of public importance,? already has been aired in the Washington, D.C., market and elsewhere. It was the winning ad in the ?Bushin30Seconds? ad contest sponsored by theVoter Fund. The ad, one of some 1,500 entries, was created by Charlie Fisher of Denver and selected after 110,000 people viewed the ads on the internet and rated them.

It is a gentle, wordless ad in which cute children do difficult work ? cleaning office buildings, washing dishes, hauling garbage, standing on an assembly line ? to a background of a single guitar. The tagline is: ?Guess Who?s Going to Pay Off Bush?s $1 Trillion Deficit??

?CBS will show the world ads featuring women in bikinis mud wrestling, to sell beer. It will have ads for all three erectile dysfunction medicines. But it has decreed that a message about the federal deficit and the President?s leadership failures is off limits,? said Eli Pariser, national campaigns director for MoveOn.org Voter Fund. The network also refused an issue ad by People for Ethical Treatment of Animals.

the ad itself is found here

*****