donderdag, mei 22, 2003

Good Night Ari
"We have said that Saddam Hussein possesses biological and chemical weapons, and all this will be made clear in the course of the operation, for whatever duration it takes." -Ari Fleischer

It's a true sign of spending too much time perusing the Ouse Boozer that it was only this afternoon I learned that my favorite punching bag, Ari Fleischer, is going to resign from his role as White House fabulist and prevaricator-in-chief, probably sometime in July.

Fleischer, speaking to reporters on his grueling job as performance art fictionalist, once noted that "The job of anybody who is the White House press secretary is to faithfully articulate what the president is thinking and why he's thinking it, and that's what I do for a living. The job of the press corps is to try to find out everything you possibly can about everything under the sun."

Of course, what he didn't mention was that when lying, it's best to give as few details as possible so as better to remember the lie.

As Timothy Noah wrote in the online magazine Slate that Fleischer's "ability to repeat a lie even after it's been shown, repeatedly, to be false is what separates him from the amateurs."

I dunno. In my mind, Ari Fleischer is just the Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf of the Free World (killer graphics to boot) --

Speaking of Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, now that Ari is leaving, can you think of a more talented replacement?

Here are Desultory Turgescence's Top Five Ari Fleischer Replacements:

1. Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf
2. Fletcher Reede
3. Bill "It Depends On What The Meaning of The Word "Is" Is" Clinton
4. Jakob the Liar
5. Bill O'Reilly -- Actually, it isn't so much because Bill O'Reilly is a liar, more because he's a loudmouth jackass with the intelligence of a baboon. What better spokesman for the White House? Can't you just hear him in a press briefing?

Press Question: Now, the Democrats recently have been attacking the President on this issue of the focus on the war in Iraq, took his focus off, or took his eye off the ball when it came to al Qaeda, and that in pursuing the war in Iraq, it allowed al Qaeda to reconstitute itself while the U.S. focus was turned elsewhere. Was that a fair statement?

O'Reilly: If the Democrats, those Marxist-Liberal sycophants for terrorists and murderers, don't like the way the President is running the war on terrorism, why don't they all just run like the cowards they are to the French or hide beneath the skirts of their mothers?

Press Question: Does the President think that it is a more dangerous world because of our invasion of Iraq and the upswing in terrorism which seems to be really more rampant now since -- do our policies have anything to do with that?

O'Reilly: Oh come on, what kind of moron would believe something as stupid as that? Helen Thomas, is that really you beneath that red dress or a DNA recreation of a Montanoceratops? If you didn't like the invasion of Iraq, why don't you go to France with the rest of the cowards?

Now, here is How to spot a liar. If you're curious, you can find out if you're eligible for White House spokeman by taking this Are You A Liar? test.

The White House once issued Ari Fleisher's Ten Commandments of Patriotism

And of course, Desultory Turgescence, in I'm Sorry Ari, But We're Going To Need A Little More, once noted that "listening to Ari Fleischer's responses is like pulling the cord of a Mrs. Beasley doll. I think she had a gamut of about 10 different prerecorded phrases that were repeated over and over no matter how many times you pulled her cord. Ari Fleischer is very similar. No matter how many times and how many different ways a specific question is asked, he delivers the same, patented reply"

Clearly, I'm not the only one who will miss him.

Good night Ari, pleasant dreams and remember the advice of Lyman Bleecher:

Never chase a lie. Let it alone, and it will run itself to death.

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