Weapons of Mass Destruction, Where Art Thou?

Yesterday's Washington Post reported that the group directing all known U.S. search efforts for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is winding down operations without finding proof that President Saddam Hussein kept clandestine stocks of outlawed arms, according to participants.

After all, they checked all the usual hiding places, looked under the Persian rugs, through Uday Hussein's porno collection, broke open all the plaster of paris Saddam statues, what more do you want?

Army Col. Richard McPhee, who will close down the task force next month, said he took seriously U.S. intelligence warnings on the eve of war that Hussein had given "release authority" to subordinates in command of chemical weapons. "We didn't have all these people in [protective] suits" for nothing, he said. But if Iraq thought of using such weapons, "there had to have been something to use. And we haven't found it. . . . Books will be written on that in the intelligence community for a long time."

The hunt will continue under a new Iraq Survey Group, which the Bush administration has said is a larger team. The previous teams in charge of searching for chemical weapons had been busy shedding light on far more important information like how much Uday Hussein was in to gold-plated items, experimenting with high-stakes strip poker with the most wanted Iraqi officials playing cards, tracking down the looted treasures from Iraq's national museum and hunting down Iraqis who proclaim themselves mayor of Baghdad.

Let's take a look in the "way back" machine and recall these quotes from Our Favorite Airman Bush:

Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised, addressing the nation, March 17, 2003

The Iraqi regime has violated all of those obligations. It possesses and produces chemical and biological weapons, addressing the nation, October 8, 2002

Iraqi operatives continue to hide biological and chemical agents to avoid detection by inspectors, addressing the nation, March 6, 2003

Saddam Hussein cannot hide its weapons of mass destruction from international inspectors without the cooperation of hundreds and thousands of Iraqis; those who work in the weapons program and those who are responsible for concealing the weapons, speech to the UN, November 8, 2002.

There could be some very valid reasons why there aren't any weapons of mass destruction. I mean, other than telling blatant lies to the American people in order to get their support for an invasion of Iraq. Very good reasons, I'm sure. Just a handful of them are found in David Letterman's

Top Ten President Bush Excuses For Not Finding Weapons of Mass Destruction

10. "We've only looked through 99% of the country"

9. "We spent entire budget making those playing cards"

8. "Containers are labeled in some crazy language"

7. "They must have been stolen by some of them evil X-Men mutants"

6. "Did I say Iraq has weapons of mass destruction? I meant they have goats"

5. "How are we supposed to find weapons of mass destruction when we can't even find Cheney?"

4. "Still screwed up because of Daylight Savings Time"

3. "When you're trying to find something, it's always in the last place you look, am I right, people?"

2. "Let's face it -- I ain't exactly a genius"

1. "Geraldo took them"

Happy Hunting.

*****

If you're looking for some quick intellectual stimulation, the Gotham Gazette offers you the chance to compare your ability to fix the budget deficit better than Mayor Buffoonberg with the NYC Budget Game. Desultory Turgescence was able to created a $1.8 million surplus and pass out $36,000 apiece to its fifty favorite friends. Sadly, there were no options for repealing the hairbrained anti-smoking law, using Buffoonberg's money to pay off the deficit or building a big statue of Buffoonberg in Times Square so we can all get together and pull it down with the help of CNN reporters and camera crews while declaring the regime "officially" toppled.