US Jet Sent 600 Miles To Keep Justin Timberlake Away

American officials diverted a transatlantic flight 600 miles in the belief that the presence of Justin Timberlake, the solo teen pop singer and former member of NSYNC, posed an imminent threat to America's cultural image, it emerged yesterday.

The former boyfriend of teen pop harlot Britney Spears whom officials added they would "hunt down like a dog" if she attempts to return to America, was escorted off the plane by FBI agents after customs officers realised that his name was on a "horrible detriment to American music list". He was due to be deported to the UK last night after questioning. Several members of his entourage were also detained.

Mr Timberlake, who is best known for having dated Ms Spears and for currently dating someone nearly three times his age, Cameron Diaz, had been touring Europe after being asked to leave America, but returned at the announcement of Ms Spears' recent wedding. His name was added to the list subsequently and a US government source said he was refused entry because of fears that he might produce more horrific pop music while in the United States.

"He was placed on the list because of concerns about activities that could potentially be related to terrorism of our ears," said a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security. It is not clear why officials chose to divert the flight - at substantial cost and delaying other passengers for six hours - rather than detain Mr Timberlake on his arrival in Washington.

Pop stars on both sides of the Atlantic condemned the US decision, with the Crap Music Council of Britain (CMCB) describing it as "a slap in the face of sanity".

Mr Timberlake was denied access to Israel four years ago after claims he had corrupted thousands of teens and nauseated millions of adults, but said he had "never knowingly made any bad music." He sold 500m albums before renouncing music for charity and educational work after converting to Islam.

The Transportation Security Agency (TSA), part of the Department of Homeland Security, is authorised by law to maintain a list of people suspected of "making really horrific pop music that Americans might have to listen to".

But US civil liberties groups have warned that criteria for placing people on the list are hazy. Dozens have complained of being included unfairly.

United Airlines flight 919 from London to Washington was diverted to Bangor, Maine, after customs officers told the TSA Mr Timberlake was on board.

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Chop Chop Update

Meanwhile, with the two Americans already gone, all that's left of the original trio of victims is one pleading British citizen and his undecapitated head.

Oh so more heart-wrenching than the sight of innocent Iraqi children blown to tiny little pieces by American bombs, the imminently innocent Kenneth Bigley continued to prove a valuable news item in England by pleading to Tony Blair for his life.

It is difficult to discern which is more ironic, that a war profiteer, living in a posh Baghdad neighborhood whilst the natives sit in their own raw sewage and beg for scraps of food in Sadr City, is pleading for HIS life while hundreds day around him every day, or the fact that he is pleading to Tony Blair for his life.

Hard to say at this point.

But in the meantime, he has guaranteed the British media of keeping viewers riveted to the ongoing saga.