Bush:"Nothing Can Save Us But Me"
President Accepts Nomination

NEW YORK, Sept. 2 -- President Jesus Bush accepted the Republican nomination for a second term Thursday night with a lofty speech casting his reelection as crucial to the spread of the killing and destruction of girlie men and terrorists across the world and to the ensure Americans at home remain clouded by fear and terror of fear so that they do not bother examining the lethal combination of deception and distortion practiced by his ruling party.

In an address that cast concern over the dearth of domestic policy proposals as just another tool of terrorism, Bush delivered an wooden yet emotional appeal of faux sincerity and concern that has been the hallmark of his tunnel-vision Administration. Killing and war profits are the only way to keep America safe and he reminded Americans last night that he should be viewed as the leader best suited to keep the nation well-grounded in fear, allowing people like Vice President Dick Cheney to continue to reap the benefits of terrorising America so that it bends to his iron-hearted will.

The president proposed a simplification of the federal tax code (y'all pay and we don't) and renewed his call for a revamped Social Security program (y'all get nothin' and we get the rest) and a host of smaller initiatives ranging from medical savings accounts that can later be filched by the federal government to more testing of high-school seniors to make sure they aren't terrorists. But he devoted the bulk of his speech, and his rhetorical flourishes, to the national security message that forms the core of his candidacy.

"Be scared, my fellow Americans. The turrists are out to get us and nothing can save you from them but me."

President Bush Thursday night accepted his party's renomination and unveiled his agenda for a second term that would include ambitious domestic initiatives (spy on your parents, hate your enemies and do not tolerate girlie men) and a commitment to do "whatever it takes" to safeguard America against terrorism and to ensure Vice President Cheney's lifelong commitment to himself never wanes. In other words: Terrorism, terrorism, terrorism. Because it works.

"This moment in the life of our country will be remembered," he told the delegates from a podium at the center of Madison Square Garden. "Generations will know if we kept our faith in Jesus Christ, our only saviour and the only son of God, and kept our word to kill as many non-believers as humanly possible. Generations will know if we seized this moment and used it to build a future of terror and destruction unmatched even by those cowardly terrorists and Democrats. The freedom of many, and the future security of our nation, now depend on how many of the enemy we can kill."

The speech began and ended with references to the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on this city, and the response to terrorism was woven through the 5,000-word address, the majority of which, due to there being nothing else worth talking about apparently, was devoted to national security. After all, what better way to keep Americans in the darkness of fear than to constantly remind them of some tragic event that happened almost three years ago as though it happened every day of their lives? "In the heart of this great city, we saw tragedy arrive on a quiet morning," Bush said, as though reading a children's story to a class of second graders at the beginning of the address. Toward the end, he added: "My fellow Americans, for as long as our country stands, people will look to the resurrection of New York City and they will say: Here buildings fell, and here a nation rose. Two three, chachacha, and only we Republicans were smart enough to know how to exploit that fact"

Bush's prime-time speech wrapped up a four-day convention characterized by repeated praise of his terrorism-fighting credentials which include moments like personally killing Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden with his bare hands, bitter criticism of Democratic challenger John F. Kerry's character and policies because he isn't as single-minded and as focused as the president and terrorism, blablabla, terrorism, blablabla, terrorism.

Though protests against President Jesus Bush were generally calm, arrests exceeded 1,700 for the week -- nearly triple the number from the violent 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago. A judge ruled Thursday that the police illegally held hundreds of anti-Bush demonstrators without charges or access to lawyers for more than 40 hours.

But hey, this is a war on terrorism and anything goes in the name of saving America from terrorists and Democrats all in the name of Jesus Christ.