American Presidential Debate

A brief advance summary of the text of tonight's presidential debate, exclusively from the staff at Desultory Turgescence:

Presidential Candidate John Kerry: WHY?

President Bush: Because I said so and because if I'm not president, you will all die terrible deaths because of terrorists. Just remember: 9/11 9/11. Be berry berry afraid!

These

are the desolate, dark weeks
when nature in its barrenness
equals the stupidity of man.

The year plunges into night
and the heart plunges
lower than night

to an empty, windswept place
without sun, stars or moon
but a peculiar light as of thought

that spins a dark fire--
whirling upon itself until,
in the cold, it kindles

to make a man aware of nothing
that he knows, not loneliness
itself--Not a ghost but

would be embraced--emptiness,
despair--(They
whine and whistle) among

the flashes and booms of war;
houses of whose rooms
the cold is greater than can be thought,

the people gone that we loved,
the beds lying empty, the couches
damp, the chairs unused--

Hide it away somewhere
out of the mind, let it get roots
and grow, unrelated to jealous

ears and eyes--for itself.
In this mine they come to dig--all.
Is this the counterfoil to sweetest

music? The source of poetry that
seeing the clock stopped, says,
The clock has stopped

that ticked yesterday so well?
and hears the sound of lakewater
splashing--that is now stone.

--William Carlos Williams

fr. *The Collected Earlier Poems*
[New York: New Directions, 1951]

Ch-Ch-Changes

Desultory Turgescence's editorial staff will be taking a break, at the very least, during the course of World Chess Championships taking place. In its absence will be an abundance of interesting chess commentary for all you chess buffs out there. For you lovers of political diatribes and all the lovely colours of anti-Bush rhetoric, well, there is no shortage of blogs out there for you to peruse (just have a look at our links).

So in the interim, is off to finish a book. Have a look at an innovative chess board.

Chess With Apples, via One Good Move.

US Jet Sent 600 Miles To Keep Justin Timberlake Away

American officials diverted a transatlantic flight 600 miles in the belief that the presence of Justin Timberlake, the solo teen pop singer and former member of NSYNC, posed an imminent threat to America's cultural image, it emerged yesterday.

The former boyfriend of teen pop harlot Britney Spears whom officials added they would "hunt down like a dog" if she attempts to return to America, was escorted off the plane by FBI agents after customs officers realised that his name was on a "horrible detriment to American music list". He was due to be deported to the UK last night after questioning. Several members of his entourage were also detained.

Mr Timberlake, who is best known for having dated Ms Spears and for currently dating someone nearly three times his age, Cameron Diaz, had been touring Europe after being asked to leave America, but returned at the announcement of Ms Spears' recent wedding. His name was added to the list subsequently and a US government source said he was refused entry because of fears that he might produce more horrific pop music while in the United States.

"He was placed on the list because of concerns about activities that could potentially be related to terrorism of our ears," said a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security. It is not clear why officials chose to divert the flight - at substantial cost and delaying other passengers for six hours - rather than detain Mr Timberlake on his arrival in Washington.

Pop stars on both sides of the Atlantic condemned the US decision, with the Crap Music Council of Britain (CMCB) describing it as "a slap in the face of sanity".

Mr Timberlake was denied access to Israel four years ago after claims he had corrupted thousands of teens and nauseated millions of adults, but said he had "never knowingly made any bad music." He sold 500m albums before renouncing music for charity and educational work after converting to Islam.

The Transportation Security Agency (TSA), part of the Department of Homeland Security, is authorised by law to maintain a list of people suspected of "making really horrific pop music that Americans might have to listen to".

But US civil liberties groups have warned that criteria for placing people on the list are hazy. Dozens have complained of being included unfairly.

United Airlines flight 919 from London to Washington was diverted to Bangor, Maine, after customs officers told the TSA Mr Timberlake was on board.

*****

Chop Chop Update

Meanwhile, with the two Americans already gone, all that's left of the original trio of victims is one pleading British citizen and his undecapitated head.

Oh so more heart-wrenching than the sight of innocent Iraqi children blown to tiny little pieces by American bombs, the imminently innocent Kenneth Bigley continued to prove a valuable news item in England by pleading to Tony Blair for his life.

It is difficult to discern which is more ironic, that a war profiteer, living in a posh Baghdad neighborhood whilst the natives sit in their own raw sewage and beg for scraps of food in Sadr City, is pleading for HIS life while hundreds day around him every day, or the fact that he is pleading to Tony Blair for his life.

Hard to say at this point.

But in the meantime, he has guaranteed the British media of keeping viewers riveted to the ongoing saga.

CHOP CHOP!

Hey, one down two to go.

Join us please, here at Desultory Turgescence in crying big gator tears for those three poor war profiteers who will have their greedy little heads chopped off.

Oh, woe.

If only they would make it into a game show, I'd really know the value of television!

CBS News Apologizes Over Bush Guard Story
"Fair and Balanced, We're Not"


NEW YORK Sept. 21, 2004 — CBS News apologized Monday for a mistake in judgment" in its story questioning President Bush's National Guard service, claiming it's zeal to see the "neofascist dictator" overthrown and his lies exposed, outweighed their journalistic integrity.

The network said that while it could never be as fair and balanced as, let's say Fox News, and confessed to having stooped to new lows in fabricating documents which the Bush Administration had already had destroyed "several years ago" but reminded everyone that news is, after all, "just a matter of perspective".

The story has mushroomed into a major media scandal, threatening the reputations of CBS News and chief anchor Dan Rather who, as we all know, is about as fair and balanced a reporter as they come.

As you recall, Rather is the same Rather who brought us fair and balanced reporting in the past, such as an interview with Saddam Hussein on the brink of the fair and just invasion of Iraq that led of course, to Saddam being deposed, the slaughter of tens of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians, all for the glory of the impregnable President Jesus Bush. (oh yeah, and the war on terrorism, nudge,nudge) FEAR FEAR! 9/11! 9/11! FEAR FEAR!

It also has become an issue in the presidential campaign. The White House said the affair raises questions about the connections between CBS's source, retired Texas National Guard officer Bill Burkett, terrorists AND Democrat John Kerry's campaign.

Rather joined CBS News President Andrew Heyward in issuing an apology Monday.

"We we got caught, and for that I am sorry," Rather said. "A valient effort was made but we could not bring down the chimpery of the Oval Office with a handful of poorly forged documents. Nevertheless, and in the spirit of trying to carry on a CBS News tradition of investigative reporting without fear or favoritism, we will just let you know instead that we intend on being very fair and balanced reporting in the future."

Almost immediately after the story aired Sept. 8, document experts questioned memos purportedly written by Bush's late squadron leader, Lt. Col. Jerry B. Killian, saying they appeared to have been created on a computer and not on the kind of typewriter in use during the 1970s.

D'oh!

CBS strongly defended its story against all logic. It wasn't until a week later after Killian's former secretary said she believed the memos were fake that the news division admitted they were questionable.

Burkett admitted this weekend to CBS that he lied about obtaining the documents from another former National Guard member, the network said. CBS hasn't been able to conclusively tell how he forged them, or even definitely tell whether they're fakes or not. But the network has given up trying to defend them.

"Based on what we now know, CBS News cannot figure out a way to make inauthentic documents appear authentic, which is the only acceptable journalistic standard to justify using them in the report," Heyward said. "We should have used better and more believable forgeries."

Hastert Claims al Qaeda Funds Democrats and Kerry

WASHINGTON (APP) -- House Speaker Dennis Hastert said al Qaeda wants John Kerry to win the election. They want him to win so much they've been funding both he and the Democratic Party for over two years. Anything, it is rumoured, to keep that Republican strongman and religious leader, President Bush, from winning the election and destroying terrorism once and for all.

At a campaign rally Saturday in his Illinois district with Vice President Dick Cheney, Hastert said al Qaeda "prays to Allah that John Kerry will win the election, freeing them up to continue their terrorism and destruction campaign agains the world" and has been funding the Democrats and Kerry with billions of dollars from their opium profits to influence the American Presidential election.

When a reporter asked Hastert if he thought al Qaeda would operate with more comfort if Kerry were elected, the speaker said, "That's my opinion, yes. When you say John Kerry, what you really mean is Osama bin Laden"

Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe called Hastert's comments "heartening." saying he himself has struggled with this knowledge ever since he first became aware of it several years ago.

Kerry's running mate, Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina, said Hastert "is a fat Republican pig who is worried that his treasured seat in the Republican Corporate Interest buffet will be relinquished if Kerry wins."

"Let me just say this in the simplest possible terms," Edwards said at a rally in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania. "I am a humble man. I share the pain of you middle and lower class people. I hold the hands of mothers who have ten kids and are unemployed because I care and I hate corporate greed and I will fight to make all the poor people rich and vice versa."

Hastert, who as speaker heads the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, showed no sign of backing off his comments.

His spokesman, John Feehery, said Sunday that the speaker's comments "were consistent with the speaker's belief that John Kerry is merely Osama bin Laden in disguise. That's why we haven't been able to smoke him out of his cave yet"

Neither the Bush campaign nor the White House had any comment on Hastert's remarks, but Bush has accused Kerry of being funded by al Qaeda terrorists on several occasions.

The comments followed a remark by Cheney earlier this month that Americans might be subjected to another terrorist attack if they "vote for Kerry" in November. "We will all die except me and cockroaches, if Kerry gets elected and America as you know it will be left in smoking ruins!" he coughed out.

Cheney, ahem, later said that any president must expect more attacks and that his point had been that he felt Bush was better prepared to deal with the threat.

Some Republicans played down Hastert's comments Sunday. But most of them were only too happy to hear the truth finally spoken with someone brave and patriotic enough like Hastert.

Intelligence Report: We're Screwed

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A highly classified National Intelligence Estimate assembled by some of the government's most senior analysts this summer provided a realistic assessment about the future security and stability of Iraq: We're Screwed.

The National Intelligence Council looked at the political, economic and security situation in the war-torn country and determined -- at best -- both Americans forces and Iraqi civilians, leading the ranks of the dead in Iraq, were screwed and could expect "at least" another decade or two of death, chaos and street anarchy to follow, at least until some newer, more toxic form of fascist dictatorship or Islamic fundamentalist fascism replaced it, a U.S. official said late Wednesday, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

Of course, this didn't stop the Bush Administration from assuming the best and rosiest outlook imagineable: "Iraqis are pleased to be freed from the terror of the Evil Dictator, Saddam Hussein," an anonymous Bush Administration mouthpiece applauded. "Anything is better than the stability of a corrupt dictatorship, even street anarchy, car bombs, civilian slaughter by American helicopter guns, exploitation of one's own oil resources, terrorists, idiot foreign government intervention in your own sovereign government and having the blessings of President Jesus Bush's new form of Chaos Is Peace foreign policy."

The intelligence estimate, which was prepared for President Bush, and promptly rejected by President Bush as "girly man pessimism of a truly great American mission of destruction", considered the window of time between July and the end of 2005. But the official noted that the document, which spans roughly 50 pages, draws on intelligence community assessments from January 2003, before the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq and the subsequent deteriorating security situation there.

The latest assessment was undertaken by the National Intelligence Council, a group of senior intelligence officials who provide long-term strategic thinking for the entire U.S. intelligence community to be dismissed out of hand by Pentagon war mongers and Haliburton representatives.

The estimate contrasts with public comments of Bush and his senior aides who speak more optimistically about the prospects for a peaceful and free Iraq. "We haven't killed every remaining Iraqi yet," Bush reminded from his Texas ranch late last month.

A CIA spokesman declined to comment Wednesday night, and a National Security Council spokesman could not be reached for comment.

The document was first reported by the New York Times on its Web site Wednesday night.

It is the first formal assessment of Iraq since the October 2002 National Intelligence Estimate on the threat posed by fallen Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.

"People who rush to judgement against our Mission From God in Iraq are clearly terrorist sympathisers." Bush scolded. "I mean, what will the troops think if everyone at home is whining about what an abject failure my policies are? Don't you people support our troops? Don't you know that you are only destroying the morale of our troops by questioning my decisions and leadership?"

A new poll released by Time Magazine this weekend reported that 78% of Americans now believe that pollyanish wishful thinking combined with irrational fear is "the best way to govern America".

It's Official: Facial Hair Is The Mark of Evil
Jesus Said To Be Disappointed

As reported in the New York Times, through the clever guise of the clean-shaven CNN political analyst Jeff Greenfield, "We don't necessarily have a lot of confidence in a man with facial hair."

To save you the trouble of deeper hair follicle peering, the NYT also reported on a veritable Who's Who of Evil People With Facial Hair:

"Pancho Villa. A guy with a mustache.

Kaiser Wilhelm II. A guy with pointy mustache.

Hitler. Stupid little mustache.

Emperor Hirohito. Mustache.

Hideki Tojo. Mustache.

Stalin. Big mustache.

Fidel Castro. Big bushy beard.

Che Guevara. Beard.

Ho Chi Minh. Wispy Fu Manchu.

Yasir Arafat. Scraggly beard.

Ayatollah Khomeini. Big long beard.

Osama bin Laden. Long beard.

Saddam Hussein. Bushy mustache."

*****

For those many Desultory Turgescence readers who often confront these profound, daily philosophical conundrums by turning to the guiding question of What Would Jesus Do?, it would appear that Jesus would have grown a beard. And well he did. But look where it got him. The only logical conclusion we can draw from this of course, is that like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein and Fidel Castro, Jesus Is Evil.

Whilst to the casual observer, this doesn't assist Americans with their very difficult decision in deciding who they should vote in as President, Desultory Turgescence's investigative reporters have been provided evidence from anonymous sources that President Bush has now grown a full beard.

We aren't sure if this is a result of the traditional Oval Office rapid aging process, or if President Bush is merely trying to disguise himself so the terrorist hurricanes can't find him, but the evidence here is overwhelming. President Jesus Bush is bearded and therefore, evil.

*****

Get Your War On points out that Not all is lost however:

"If we stopped fighting the War on Terrorism, it would free up more time for all of us to fight the REALLY important war: The Vietnam War"

Blunkett Dismisses Royal Security Fears
"I can't see anything to fear"

David Blunkett was accused of "blind complacency" yesterday as he played down the security scare provoked by Batman, who scaled the front of Buckingham Palace.

Despite the future of royal security chiefs hanging in the balance over the stunt by Batman, who complained that "crime fighting has become boring and I was just looking for a little excitement", the Home Secretary insisted the situation had been well-handled by police.

Batman, who staged the protest against boredom, and his sidekick, Robin, who allegedly distracted palace guards, were released on police bail by Commissioner Gordon yesterday until December.

Batman was arrested on suspicion of making the Buckingham Palace security detail look like idiots, while Robin was questioned over aiding and abetting a criminal act. There were doubts last night over whether they would be charged over the five-hour protest.

But the recriminations continued yesterday as Sir John Stevens, the Metropolitan Police Commissioner, studied a report into Monday's incident as though the comedy that played out on his tv screen hadn't been sufficient. A copy was passed to the Queen, who is at her Balmoral residence, but reports that she was angry over the break-in were denied by royal sources but confesses that she is a die-hard Batman fan.

Mr Blunkett acknowledged that not all security systems at the palace had "worked perfectly", although he said the cameras and alarms had operated properly, even if the security itself was an abyssmal failure.

He said: "I didn't see anything to fear. Batman and Robin are well-known crime fighters, not terrorists, and I think we should probably do away with palaces and monuments and stop inviting tourists from all over the world because we are so afraid of terrorists we won't let anyone get anywhere near them." Later, speaking at the Police Superintendents' Association conference in Warwickshire, Mr Blunkett said: "I can't see the problem. I can't see anything. But I don't think it helps us deal with the real terrorist threat to worry about Batman making a little publicity stunt because he's bored fighting criminals. Perhaps if he fought terrorism, he would be more excited, like us."

"I'm prepared for heads to roll if the head is of the person responsible for failing to do their duty. But simply to have a head rolling for the sake of a 24-hour headline would not be very clever. It would however, be rather entertaining, and in the interests of television ratings, we may just have heads rolling all over the place pretty soon"

*****

Bush salutes National Guard, "Whoever They Are"

LAS VEGAS (AP) -- President Bush told veterans Tuesday he was proud of the time he allegedly spent as a fictitious member of the Texas Air National Guard and sought to deflect questions about his Vietnam-era service by turning the subject to fear.

"Be very, very afraid. Wherever you are in America, you are at risk from terrible, terrible things happening to you and your family if I am not reelected President. John Kerry is a terrorist. He loves terrorists," Bush told his applauding audience in a speech to the National Guard Association of the United States.

He did not address questions that have been raised about his service three decades ago in the Guard or respond to accusations from Democrats that he used family ties to avoid the Vietnam War.

Kerry, a Vietnam veteran, addresses the same group Thursday and has directed his allies in the national Democratic Party to make an issue of Bush's service as an invisible member of the National Guard.

"Nineteen individuals have served both in the National Guard and as president of the United States," Bush said, "and I think I was one of them. One thing you can be sure of is that no terrorists served in the National Guard!"

The president then outlined the history of America's citizen-soldiers and touted his efforts to improve living and work condition for today's Guard.

Then he turned to Iraq, noting as he does in almost every campaign stop, that Kerry and Democratic running mate John Edwards are cowards and terrorist-lovers who will rejoice in the killing of our fellow Americans if their brand of liberal, girly-man, limp-wristed liberalism is allowed to destroy America.

He said Kerry and Edwards later voted over and over again for terrorism and are cowards who will not stand up and send the children of others to die on their behalf to fight terrorism and to help Haliburton and Vice President Dick Cheney wealthier.

After casting his rival as indecisive, Bush said, "Our troops, our friends and our allies, and our enemies, must know where America stands and that America will stand firm. We cannot waver because our enemies won't. We have to be firm, like a young woman's breasts and not allow flabby indecision or cowardess or love of terrorism to cloud our judgement to kill and kill, over and over again, no matter how long it takes"

It is a major part of Bush's re-election strategy to convince voters, especially those wary of his economic and Iraq policies, that he is the only candidate in the race steady enough to lead the nation at war.

"September 11! September 11! Fear! Run! Scary! Baaaaad terrorists! Kill! Kill! Never change your mind! Kill! September 11! Be very, very scared! Kerry will help the terrorists kill us all! September 11!" Bush said.

(and now, for something completely different...)

Tom Waits
SHORE LEAVE

Well with buck shot eyes and a purple heart
I rolled down the national stroll
and with a big fat paycheck
strapped to my hip sack
and a shore leave wristwatch underneath
my sleeve
in a Hong Kong drizzle on Cuban heels
I rowed down the gutter to the Blood Bank
and I'd left all my papers on the Ticonderoga
and was in a bad need of a shave
and so I slopped at the corner on cold chow mein
and shot billards with a midget
until the rain stopped
and I bought a long sleeved shirt
with horses on the front
and some gum and a lighter and a knife
and a new deck of cards (with girls on the back)
and I sat down and wrote a letter to my wife

and I said Baby, I'm so far away from home
and I miss my Baby so
I can't make it by myself
I love you so

Well I was pacing myself
trying to make it all last
squeezing all the life
out of a lousy two day pass
and I had a cold one at the Dragon
with some Filipino floor show
and talked baseball with a lieutenant
over a Singapore sling
and I wondered how the same moon outside
over this Chinatown fair
could look down on Illinois
and find you there
and you know I love you Baby

and I'm so far away from home
and I miss my Baby so
I can't make it by myself
I love you so

Shore Leave...
Shore Leave...

Bush Calls Terrorist Hurricane "Barbaric" and "Cowardly"

Washington, DC - The White House and President Jesus Bush branded the terrorist Hurricane attack of Florida "barbaric", "cowardly" and "despicable", proving yet again his utter mastery of the English language, and additionally said responsibility for lost lives rests with the terrorists who created the Hurricane.

"Our thoughts are with the people of Florida during this difficult time. We extend our deepest condolences to the families of the victims," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said Monday. "There is no justification for the taking of innocent life, and the barbaric nature of this terrorist act is despicable."

McClellan added: "The responsibility for the tragic loss of life rests with the terrorists. The United States stands side-by-side with Florida in our global fight against terrorism."

President Bush was briefed on developments in Florida before a re-election rally in Pennsylvania. He did not talk about the Hurricane terrorism during his speech. But spent several moments to himself looking defiantly into the mirror and pointing his finger at his image threateningly.

"This cowardly act of creating a hurricane to attack Florida shows why America has to remain resolute against terrorism and vote for me instead of that crazy, cowardly, flipflopper Kerry in the presidential election," Bush stated during a brief press conference. "We saw the horror of terror in Florida and I can just imagine the heartfelt anguish of the all the people of Florida," Bush told a forum in Broadview Heights, Ohio.

"That is why this country must be strong and diligent and never yielding. We must bring them to justice, and put an end to bad weather controlled by evil terrorists" he said.

Bush:"Nothing Can Save Us But Me"
President Accepts Nomination

NEW YORK, Sept. 2 -- President Jesus Bush accepted the Republican nomination for a second term Thursday night with a lofty speech casting his reelection as crucial to the spread of the killing and destruction of girlie men and terrorists across the world and to the ensure Americans at home remain clouded by fear and terror of fear so that they do not bother examining the lethal combination of deception and distortion practiced by his ruling party.

In an address that cast concern over the dearth of domestic policy proposals as just another tool of terrorism, Bush delivered an wooden yet emotional appeal of faux sincerity and concern that has been the hallmark of his tunnel-vision Administration. Killing and war profits are the only way to keep America safe and he reminded Americans last night that he should be viewed as the leader best suited to keep the nation well-grounded in fear, allowing people like Vice President Dick Cheney to continue to reap the benefits of terrorising America so that it bends to his iron-hearted will.

The president proposed a simplification of the federal tax code (y'all pay and we don't) and renewed his call for a revamped Social Security program (y'all get nothin' and we get the rest) and a host of smaller initiatives ranging from medical savings accounts that can later be filched by the federal government to more testing of high-school seniors to make sure they aren't terrorists. But he devoted the bulk of his speech, and his rhetorical flourishes, to the national security message that forms the core of his candidacy.

"Be scared, my fellow Americans. The turrists are out to get us and nothing can save you from them but me."

President Bush Thursday night accepted his party's renomination and unveiled his agenda for a second term that would include ambitious domestic initiatives (spy on your parents, hate your enemies and do not tolerate girlie men) and a commitment to do "whatever it takes" to safeguard America against terrorism and to ensure Vice President Cheney's lifelong commitment to himself never wanes. In other words: Terrorism, terrorism, terrorism. Because it works.

"This moment in the life of our country will be remembered," he told the delegates from a podium at the center of Madison Square Garden. "Generations will know if we kept our faith in Jesus Christ, our only saviour and the only son of God, and kept our word to kill as many non-believers as humanly possible. Generations will know if we seized this moment and used it to build a future of terror and destruction unmatched even by those cowardly terrorists and Democrats. The freedom of many, and the future security of our nation, now depend on how many of the enemy we can kill."

The speech began and ended with references to the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on this city, and the response to terrorism was woven through the 5,000-word address, the majority of which, due to there being nothing else worth talking about apparently, was devoted to national security. After all, what better way to keep Americans in the darkness of fear than to constantly remind them of some tragic event that happened almost three years ago as though it happened every day of their lives? "In the heart of this great city, we saw tragedy arrive on a quiet morning," Bush said, as though reading a children's story to a class of second graders at the beginning of the address. Toward the end, he added: "My fellow Americans, for as long as our country stands, people will look to the resurrection of New York City and they will say: Here buildings fell, and here a nation rose. Two three, chachacha, and only we Republicans were smart enough to know how to exploit that fact"

Bush's prime-time speech wrapped up a four-day convention characterized by repeated praise of his terrorism-fighting credentials which include moments like personally killing Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden with his bare hands, bitter criticism of Democratic challenger John F. Kerry's character and policies because he isn't as single-minded and as focused as the president and terrorism, blablabla, terrorism, blablabla, terrorism.

Though protests against President Jesus Bush were generally calm, arrests exceeded 1,700 for the week -- nearly triple the number from the violent 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago. A judge ruled Thursday that the police illegally held hundreds of anti-Bush demonstrators without charges or access to lawyers for more than 40 hours.

But hey, this is a war on terrorism and anything goes in the name of saving America from terrorists and Democrats all in the name of Jesus Christ.

CHENEY AND GOP MOUNT VIGOROUS ASSAULT ON KERRY
"We Need More Blood And Oil"

Declaring that the nation's fundamental source of blood and oil was at stake in the presidential election, Vice President Dick Cheney said yesterday that Senator John Kerry did not "love the shedding of blood nor the gushing of oil enough" and failed to appreciate the urgency with which "bloodsucking leeches and war profiteers like myself" need the constant threat of terror and fear to keep the flow of blood and oil coming.

Mr. Cheney's remarks were part of a vigorous assault that he and his party mounted on Mr. Kerry's domestic and foreign policy credentials, coupled with a spirited defense of President Bush's ability to destroy both the American and Iraqi economy simultaneously, as the Republicans gathered for the third night of their nominating convention in New York.

"He talks about loving killing and helping Haliburton reap massive war profits, as though we will be impressed with his harder side," Mr. Cheney said of Mr. Kerry, speaking in a somber tone to a crowd that interrupted him with nonsequetorious shouts of "U.S.A." - "Blood For Oil" as he recalled the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11 and how much Haliburton has profited from them.

"He declared at the Democratic Convention that he will forcefully defend Haliburton and my interests in Haliburton -- after we have been attacked," Mr. Cheney continued. "My fellow Americans, we have already been attacked, and faced with the growing possibility that there will not be enough Iraqis to kill or enough oil to keep our mechanical hearts beating, we cannot wait for the next attack. We must continue killing and continue reaping huge war profits for Haliburton or they will cut off my pacemaker!"

Mr. Cheney led a parade of Republicans - and one Democrat - in an orchestrated evening intended to undercut Mr. Kerry's commander-in-chief credentials while also trying to seize the ground on economic issues. The speakers stood in front of a banner that read "Land of Opportunity For Dick Cheney And Haliburton And The Rest of You Can Have The Crumbs" as they attributed the economic difficulties of the past four years to "girly man Democrats, gay marriage and not enough killing to satisfy the Board of Haliburton. They asserted that the economy of Haliburton was on the rise again but would easily be destroyed again if a "pacifist faery like Kerry" were elected.

The party formally nominated Mr. Bush to run for a second term at 8:09 p.m.

Mr. Kerry's running-mate, Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, issued a statement shortly after the Republicans adjourned, saying: "There was a lot of hate coming from that podium tonight. What John Kerry and I offer to the American people is hope because goddamn it, I can weave heart warming tales of downtrodden, lower middle class families like nobody's business."

Republicans enlisted the Democrat who delivered the keynote address at the 1992 Democratic convention that nominated Bill Clinton, Senator Zell Miller of Georgia, to offer the keynote for the Republicans, which amounted to a memorably brutal attack on Mr. Kerry and the Democratic Party. Mr. Miller, a Southern conservative who has grown increasingly alienated from his party because they have not expressed a vigorous enough love of Haliburton's profits and killing foreigners, said Democrats had placed partisan politics over national security during this time of war and portrayed Mr. Kerry as a "girly-man," self-indulgent and indecisive.

"For more than 20 years, on every one of the great issues of freedom and security, John Kerry has been more wrong, more weak and more wobbly than any other national figure," Mr. Miller said, adding: "George Bush loves killing more than anyone and wants to grab terrorists by the throat and slash their throats and let Dick Cheney drink their blood. From John Kerry, they get a 'yes-no-maybe' bowl of mush that can only encourage our enemies and confuse our friends."

BUSH BACKTRACKS ON TERRORISM REMARK?!
Say It Ain't So Kids! President Bush Flip Flops Like A Fish On A Hook?!

NASHVILLE, Aug. 31 -- President Jesus Bush rushed Tuesday to flip flop about his bold and great leader-like assertion that the war on terrorism cannot be won, as his campaign sought to limit the damage from a statement that despite all the rahrah from the convention, shows the commander in chief as defeatist.

"Make no mistake about it: We are winning and we will win," Bush told the 86th annual convention of the American Legion as he continued his journey toward the Republican National Convention for his acceptance speech Thursday night, "Unless of course, we don't win the war because it isn't winnable and even if it were, I'm only making things worse, not better, almost ensuring inevitable defeat." He said that "in this different kind of war, this funny kind of non-existent weapons of mass destruction fake war, we may never sit down at a peace table because frankly, we don't want peace. Peace is our enemy. Fear is our greatest ally."

"We will win by making grandiose statements about how tough we are and how tough we are on terrorism while we continue killing innocent Iraqi civilians at a record-shattering pace," he told the nation's largest veterans organization.

In tone and substance, the remarks differed sharply from the more contemplative words he offered in an interview aired by NBC's "Today" show Monday. Asked about "this war on terror" during that interview, Bush said: "I don't think you can win it. But I think you can create conditions so that those who use terror as a tool are less acceptable in parts of the world. Let's put it that way."

Or as it turns out, let's NOT put it that way since it seems to run in direct contradiction to all those nice, flowery, heroic things being said about me in New York, he is believed to have added.

The statement Monday is a flip flop of his own assertions about having a plan to defeat terrorism, and ran counter to his campaign's strategy of portraying the president as optimistic and resolute. It invited an immediate attack from Democrats, who have been on the defensive in recent weeks over attacks on presidential nominee John F. Kerry's Vietnam War record and position on Iraq.

Kerry's campaign gleefully responded to Bush's American Legion speech Tuesday with a news release headlined, "Bush Flip-Flops on Winning the War on Terror," then tried to top that a few moments later with another echo of a Republican attack on the Massachusetts senator, "Bush: Against Winning the War on Terror Before He Was for It."

It was revealed earlier this afternoon by an undisclosed White House source that the War On Terror is actually being waged to terrorise the American public. "With fear-mongering and the threat of terror hanging in the air like an ominous cloud, what really, besides homophobia and tax cuts for the rich, does the Bush Administration have going for it?" the source asked rhetorically.