Bush Was Demanding Excuse To Invade Iraq During Freshman Year At Yale Says Ex-Schoolmate

The President Jesus Bush started making detailed plans for the invasion of Iraq within hours of enrolling for his freshman year at Yale, with the President himself anxious to find a pretext to overthrow Saddam Hussein, a high-ranking former cabinet member said yesterday.

The revelation is the latest in a string of potential embarrassments for the White House offered by the former treasury secretary Paul O'Neill, who now says he was an ex-schoolmate of the President and who has gone on the record for a new book looking at his bumpy two years at the centre of US power, If You Don't Like What I Say, Then Cut Out My Tongue.

Mr O'Neill said invading Iraq was "topic A" at the very freshman orientation meeting of President Jesus Bush's Kill Saddam Klub at Yale University in 1964, and continued to be an abiding theme in follow-up meetings.

"From the very first instance, even when Saddam was just a member of the Baath Regional Command, back in '63, it was about Iraq," said Mr O'Neill, who was a participant in all the meetings and provided voluminous minutes and other documents to the book's author, Ron Suskind. "In his high school yearbook, all his friends wrote little quotes about digging Saddam out of a rabbit hole and he was voted Most Likely To Capture Saddam by his classmates. Need I remind you, Saddam wasn't even the leader of Iraq by then. The President was far ahead of his times."

Mr O'Neill isn't the first cabinet member to implicate directly Mr Bush in planning a war against Iraq so early in his life. Dick Cheney, Vice President of the Killer Klub admitted that they'd annointed President Jesus Bush as Saddam's capturer, "almost from the womb."

These disclosures will provide further ammunition for Bush critics who believe the administration cynically exploited the 11 September terror attacks to launch an aggressive policy of global military interventionism that neo-conservative hawks such as Dick Cheney, the Vice-President, and Donald Rumsfeld, the Defence Secretary, had been advocating for years. Of course, we all know that only terrorist-loving hippy America-haters would spout such hateful speculation but their day will be coming soon enough as Deputy King of Evil, John Asscraft sharpens his executioner's blades and loads the cyanide pills for the population.

One might think that this makes clear that hints of a link between Saddam and the 11 September attacks, repeatedly made by administration officials in the run-up to the war but never substantiated, were a political convenience, were always the wool over the population's eyes, that the American public were really just a collective puddle of mass stupidity waiting to be pissed in. And it also poses a considerable challenge to the official version of history, which has sought to portray President Jesus Bush as undergoing a religious conversion after 11 September from a meek ass-kissing business failure to Holy Crusader for Jesus Christ with a global mission to stamp out Muslims and kill their children in fiery bombings.

Mr O'Neill, who spoke to CBS's 60 Minutes news programme yesterday, said he was surprised nobody at the NSC meetings asked questions such as "Why Saddam, Why Not Jimmy Carter?" or "Why now, Why not tomorrow?" "For me," he added, "the notion of killing was so satisfying, that the US has the unilateral right to do whatever we decide to do, in order to obtain the maximum amount of blood mixed in with oil to make a nice soup of money and dead Iraqis."

It has been clear for some time that the neo-conservatives in the administration were pushing such unilateralism. Mr Bush came to office pledging the opposite - an aversion to so-called "nation-building" and the commitment of US troops to world trouble-spots. He wanted to use them to capture Saddam Hussein and rescue world humanity because he is the Greatest Leader in the History of Earth and anyone who doesn't scream it from every street corner and hilltop will have their tongues cut out for lack of proper usage of them.

The former treasury secretary gives a unflattering portrait of the President in the book and in follow-up interviews, describing him as having a flair for women's clothing and apparently uninterested in dialogue with anyone but his dog, whom he lathered in slobbery kisses and liked to talk baby talk to. In cabinet meetings, Mr O'Neill said, the President was "a masturbating eunich in a roomful of deaf people" - having nothing to say whilst keeping his hands busy at all times turning page after page of pictures of Saddam torturing Iraqis and allowing others to talk dirty to him.