"America is offensive"

Read the full text of the state of the union address:

"Mr. Speaker, Vice President of Oil Mongering and Stealing From the Poor to Give to the Rich, Dick Cheney, insignificant sycophants of Congress, hand-planted handclappers and guests, Born Again Christian Conservatives and fellow haters of mankind:


America this evening is a nation called to great responsibilities of giant acts of hypocrisy and unjustifiable killing of innocent civilians. And we are rising to meet them. As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world to get a firm grip on oil fields for the benefit of such fine and patriotic corporations like Haliburton, to name a few. Sometimes, it's the war on terror, sometimes it's freeing oppressed peoples, removing tyranny in every country but our own, sometimes its just killing for money and prestige. By bringing capitalism and back stabbing for self-interest to the oppressed, and delivering our particular brand of justice in the name of Jesus Christ and Democracy's heroes to the violent, we are making America more. More what? More violent, more hated, more arrogant. Just the formula we were looking for to maintain our Machiavelian stranglehold on power.

Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats; although many of those threats are blown out of proportion to justify our actions or to distort reality so it appears we are doing a much better job against a perceived threat than we actually are, and although we've never been straighforward about any of so-called threats and even lied or distorted facts to both the victims of 9/11 and the soldiers getting killed like dogs in Iraq, we've initiated a gargantuan bureaucracy of government domestic spying, analysts are examining airline passenger lists and highlighting anyone with a remotely Arab name and pulling out of line, all dark-skinned people or people who don't look like they love Jesus; the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders. And their vigilance is protecting America while America goes about the business of destroying and dividing for their own cynical profit.

Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the world. We like working 80 hour weeks because it allows us to buy more material goods that makes our lives feel special, even if it comes to destroy the very fabric of the American family because we work so much and ignore or kids in order to buy a new car or the latest fashion for Jesus. The American economy is growing stronger. The Rich are getting richer, the way we like it. The tax relief we've passed out to my cronies, all rich pigs who would kill their own mothers if it meant an upside of profit, has had the desired effect of making them richer and that, in the end, is why the election was stolen for me to begin with. So I'm doing my job, serving at the best of Chairman Cheney and Jesus Christ and loving the American people for being such great fighters of terrorists.

Tonight, money-grubbing whores/members of Congress can take pride in great works of compassion and reform that skeptics had thought impossible. You've made even more money from special interest groups than seemed imaginable. You've screwed over more constituents for your own self interest and better still you've done it in such a secretive manner, your own constituents are too ignorant to know any better. You are lowering the standards of our public schools to third world levels since we spend all our money on wars and building oil infrastructures in third world countries we are trying to suck dry and yet, you make it seem as though you've done the country a great favor while you take kickbacks and enjoy the lavish lifestyle of millionaires. You are giving our senior citizens plenty of reason to want to die early through your prescription drug coverage under Medicare.

We have faced serious challenges together - and now we face a choice. We can go forward with confidence and
resolve - jackbooted and filled with the lust of killing in our throats, or we can turn back to the dangerous
illusion that terrorists are not plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat to us and elect some whimpy Democrat who will let sin run rampant with homosexual marriages while terrorists go on blowing up all the decent Christians left. We can press on with tax breaks for my rich friends so they can get even wealthier feeding the bottomless pit of greed,
- or we can turn back to the old policies and old divisions when all those liberal, lefy nations like France like us, but secretly spit on the backs of our shoes and laugh at what a bunch of immoral Democratic faeries Americans are.

We have not come all this way - through all this money to subsidize billion dollar contract for defense contractors, all the great tv of killing, the toppling of Saddam's statue, the capture of Saddam himself, the imbodiment of evil in our Universe and an enemy of all mankind - only to falter and leave our work unfinished. We will not be happy until everyone is subjugated into the corporate and the losers and kill everyone in between in the name of Jesus and Democracy. Americans are rising to the tasks of history, and they expect the same of us. In their efforts, their ignorance and their idiotic paranoias and overwhelming force used in the face of it, the American people are showing that the state of our Union is confident and strong on the outside but rotting away on the inside with a steady diet of Jesus, defence contractors and hypocrisy.

God Loves America like a televangelist loves a cheap whore.

...For "security purposes" the remainder of the State of the Union speech, the ongoing slogans of such themes as the growing disparity between the rich and poor is making America safer, has been censored by the Department of Homeland Security. If other bits of the speech come up which the Department of Homeland Security deems to be suitable for an ignorant population who are half-asleep in their chairs by now anyway, stuffed like Thanksgiving with lies, deceit and hypocrisy, the Department of Homeland Security will be pleased to allow the speech to continue to be published at a later date. We have now raised the security code to ORANGE again.

Otherwise, you can read about how the policies of President Jesus Bush are making America safer (for someone, we're just not sure who) and be reminded that America is Safer will probably be the campaign slogan of the next 10 months leading to elections.

*****

On the OTHER side of the ocean, things are looking brighter:

The cannabis laws are being downgraded in Great Britain, reclassified from a class B to a class C drug next week, which will place it the same category as tranquillisers and steroids.

Of course, the spoilsport doctors of the British Medical Association, sticks in the collective mud of happiness and freedom, whining all the time about smoking in any form, eating food that actually tastes good instead of merely being good for you, railing against alchohol abuse and basically, anything fun, as being unhealthy, as if life itself weren't unhealthy, are now whining that "We are very worried about the negative health effects of smoking cannabis and want the government to fund more research on this issue." Pissing down on our parade, yet again. When are people going to wake up and realise that useless organisations like the British Medical Association, who cry Chicken Little over every breath we take, every pleasure we indulge, should have their tents folded up and be shown the door?

We want easy access to pleasure, yea lads and lassies of the British Medical Association. Keep yer traps shut. We don't want your opinions. We know EVERYTHING is bad for us so just keep it to yourself and go about running around trying to find more funding for your useless research to come up with these kinds of idiotic deductions that smoking too much cannabis can be unhealthy. Find something useful to do with your time. Find out how to rid the world of real dangers to your health like Dick Cheney, Jesus Bush and Poodle Blair.