FBI Drains Pond In Search of WMDs, Osama and Saddam

The FBI is draining a pond in Frederick, Maryland Monday in search of the missing WMDs which the evil regime of Saddam Hussein was alleged to have possessed in Iraq, as well as Saddam himself and Osama bin Laden, drawing work crews with heavy equipment to a municipal forest to begin the work.

The FBI's Washington field office issued a statement saying that its agents and Postal Service agents were conducting "searches related to the investigation of the existence of WMDs in Iraq, al-Qaeda operatives and the former dictator of Iraq.

"The purpose of these searches is to locate Iraqi WMDs hidden by Saddam as well as the hidden lairs of Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein," the statement said. "To facilitate the search activity, one pond will be drained."

The FBI said it was coordinating the work with city and state agencies. The city said the FBI had hired an engineering firm to drain the one-acre pond, which holds about 50,000 gallons of water, in the municipal forest that is part of the city's water supply system. It said the work was expected to take three to four weeks.

FBI officials were believed to be acting on tips from highly reliable intelligence sources such as CIA Director George Tenet and top Pentagon officials. "There were Iraqi weapons of mass destruction in Maryland. It isn't a figment of anyone's imagination," Secretary of State Colin Powell said, citing the fact that the pond "smelled funny" and that there were "alot of suspicious-looking people" in the area of late. "Our conservative estimate is that there is not only a stockpile of between 100 and 500 tons of chemical weapons agent in that pond, but quite possibly, we have solid evidence that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein themselves are hiding in the pond" Powell told reporters outside of Fantasyland.

According to several unnamed intelligence officials who divined clues by listening to Dixie Chicks CDs played backwards, coded messages to both Saddam and Osama were thought to have been revealed, particularly in the song Truth No. 2.

"It's no secret that the Dixie Chicks are a front for some of the worst terrorist elements and terrible dictators in the world" an anonymous top Pentagon official warned.

Meanwhile, President Bush affirmed the hopes of the Administration that draining this particular pond would reveal the whereabouts of the WMDs, Osama and of course, Saddam.

"Intelligence throughout the week showed the pond is filled with deadly weapons of mass destruction," Bush said at the end of a Cabinet meeting at the White House. "History will show," he said, "history and time, a little imagination and an incessant propaganda campaign will prove that the United States made the absolute right decision on freeing the people of Iraq from the clutches of Saddam Hussein."

It is rumored that the bottom of the pond harbors an "underwater world" of criminals, despots, and weapons of mass destruction. Bush also vowed that "FBI officials, drainage experts and plumbers will hunt down terrorists and "drain the water out of their holes" in a long, unrelenting response to critics who have been quick to wonder why no WMDs have been uncovered in Iraq. "This is an underwater world of the world's worst despots, terrorists and criminals. We will not allow the world's worst leaders to threaten us with the world's worst weapons, nor will we allow them to hide in our worst ponds or worst water estuaries, no matter how bad they are or how much we threaten them"

For the first time, Bush identified Osama bin Laden as a resident of the pond. "If he thinks he can hide and run from the United States in our ponds and mud puddles, he will be sorely mistaken," the president said.

Attorney General John Ashcroft said the investigation has made progress. "We believe that with every drop of water being siphoned from that pond, the picture is developing a kind of clarity." He also proudly announced the illegal detention and investigation of "well over" 234, 567 people in the continued hunt for terrorists, many of whom may have had drug paraphernalia in their possession at some time in their lives. " We make no apologies,” Ashcroft added. "Nearly one-third of the organizations on the State Department's list of Foreign Terrorist Organizations are also known to smoke pot and sleep in elaborate underwater criminal lairs." He noted.

A roadblock kept nonresidents out of the wooded area in Frederick, which contains hiking trails. From the air, about a dozen workers could be seen around the pond, a backhoe appeared to be digging a channel for water and a bright klieg light producing an intense light of holograms depicting the faces of Saddam and Osama as well as home movies of them laughing around an unidentified pond counting their weapons of mass destruction.

More unnamed intelligence sources also indicated that should the effort to drain this pond prove fruitless, they were investigating the possibility of hiring Leonard Nimoy to bring back the television documentary series In Search Of... in order to find the weapons of mass destruction and the world's worst despots and terrorists.