Americans Will Believe Anything

A recent poll conducted by the University of Maryland showed that one third of the American public believes U.S. forces have found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Realizing that it might have gotten just too darned confusing for some Americans since George Bush has been running around with the half-baked claims that he already found all the WMDs you could possibly need in the form of a couple of mobile labs, Desultory Turgescence is prepared to give Americans the benefits of the doubt, even if these "deadly" mobile labs are for the production of hydrogen to fill artillery balloons, not astounding discoveries of WMDs, as the Disinformation Campaign out of the White House gathers speed.

After all, if you can't trust your own fraudulently elected official, who can you trust, right?

But when the same poll indicates that "Twenty-two percent said Iraq actually used chemical or biological weapons", I begin to wonder where some of these Americans are getting their information; the little voices in their heads? The bible? Reality TV shows? Not even a histrionically partisan monkey house like Fox News makes such outrageous claims. Hell, not even Monkey-In-Chief Bush, fabulist extraordinaire, made such a suggestion. Here again however, if you happen to inform yourself of the world's events during bouts of somnambulism or during commercial breaks of the Jerry Springer show, it might have gotten confusing watching milliseconds of war coverage showing all those American GIs in chemical weapons gear during the invasion. These are probably the same people advertisers aim at when they equivocate automobiles or cola products or beer with swarms of half-naked women knowing there will be a percentage of half-wits thinking to themselves: "Gee, if I buy Miller Light beer, I'll have bikini clad women pouncing on me in wading pools all day long."

If you recall, before the war, half of those polled in a survey said Iraqis were among the 19 hijackers on Sept. 11, 2001.

Either the war marketing wizards in the White House are geniuses or there are simply too many stupid people in America.

Pollsters and political analysts offer several reasons for the gaps between facts and beliefs: the public's short attention span on foreign news, fragmentary or conflicting media reports that lacked depth or skepticism, and Bush administration efforts to sell a war by oversimplifying the threat.

"Most people get little whiffs and fragments of news, not in any organized way," said Thomas Mann, a scholar at the Brookings Institution, a centrist-liberal think tank. "And there have been a lot of conflicting reports on the weapons."

Oh. Conflicting reports, or just too many lies?

Too hard to decide, so Desultory Turgescence did its own poll of Americans over the weekend and here are the highlights of the results:

45% believe that Adolf Hitler and Saddam Hussein are the same person.

32% believe that President Bush is the second coming of Jesus Christ.

23% believe that all the weapons of mass destruction have been moved to Belgium.

41% believe that the Tooth Fairy left WMDs under their pillows.

18% believe that Iraqi guerillas are actors in the latest Planet of the Apes movies.

59% believe that the world is flat.

In honor of these polling results, Desultory Turgescence prepared a revision of the lyrics of the David Bowie song Young Americans:

David Bowie Lyrics
" Dumb Americans "

They pulled in just behind the bridge
He lays her down, he frowns
"Gee my life's a funny thing, am I
still too dumb?"
He kissed her then and there
She took his ring, took his babies
It took him minutes, took her nowhere
Heaven knows, she'd have taken anything, but

[CHORUS (She)]
All night
She wants the dumb American
Dumb American, dumb American, she wants the dumb American
All right
She wants the dumb American

Scanning life through the picture
window
She finds the slinky vagabond
He coughs as he passes her Ford
Mustang, but
Heaven forbid, she'll take anything
But the freak, and his type, all for
nothing
He misses a step and cuts his hand, but
Showing nothing, he swoops like a song
She cries "Where have all Papa's heroes gone?"

[CHORUS (She)]
All the way from Washington
Her bread-winner begs off the bathroom floor
We live for just these twenty years
Do we have to die for the fifty more?"

[CHORUS (HE)]
All night
He wants the dumb American
Dumb American, dumb American,
he wants the dumb American
All right
He wants the dumb American

Do you remember, your President Nixon?
Do you remember, the bills you have to pay?
Or even yesterday?
Have been the un-American?
Just you and your idol sing falsetto
'bout Leather, leather everywhere, and
Not a myth left from the ghetto
Well, well, well, would you carry a razor
In case, just in case of depression?
Sit on your hands on a bus of survivors
Blushing at all the afro-Sheeners
Ain't that close to love?
Well, ain't that poster love?
Well, it ain't that Barbie doll
Her hearts have been broken just like you

[CHORUS (YOU)]
All night
You want the dumb American
Dumb American, dumb American, you want the dumb American
All right
You want the dumb American

You ain't a pimp and you ain't a hustler
A pimp's got a Cadi and a lady got a Chrysler
Black's got respect, and white's got his soul train
Mama's got cramps, and look at your hands ache
(I heard the news today, oh boy)
I got a suite and you got defeat
Ain't there a man who can say no more?
And, ain't there a woman I can
sock on the jaw?
And, ain't there a child I can hold without judging?
Ain't there a pen that will write before they die?
Ain't you proud that you've still got faces?
Ain't there one damn song that can make me
break down and cry?

[CHORUS (I) (repeat 3 times ad lib)]
All night
I want the dumb American
Dumb American, dumb American, I want the dumb American
All right
I want the dumb American