False Alarm: Dripping Blood and Oil From His Corporate Gob, Cheney Still Lives

Non-christians and the rest of the world who do not have shares in Haliburton were given a brief moment of excitement yesterday when it was reported that the metal-hearted Veep, anti-Christ Cheney underwent tests at a hospital after complaining of shortness of breath.

Mr. Cheney, 63, was taken to George Washington University Hospital from his home on the grounds of the Naval Observatory early Saturday afternoon after telling his cardiologist, Dr. Jonathan Reiner, that he had been coughing heavily and having trouble catching his breath, it was reported.

Tick tick, Dick. Sadly, another false alarm. Would have been real reason for hope if both Cheney AND Arafat went down in the same week.

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Slapping The Other Cheek examines the play by religious nutters to help President Jesus Bush determine just how extreme his love is for all things Christ-like:

"Bob Jones III, president of the fundamentalist college of the same name, has written a letter to the president telling him that "Christ has allowed you to be his servant" so he could "leave an imprint for righteousness," by appointing conservative judges and approving legislation "defined by biblical norm."

"In your re-election, God has graciously granted America - though she doesn't deserve it - a reprieve from the agenda of paganism," Mr. Jones wrote. "Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ." Way harsh."

From the If A Chimp Can Be President textbook, two Columbia University psychologists have taught monkeys to discriminate computer-generated images containing as many as nine objects and to respond to them in ascending order, with a success rate well above what would be predicted by chance.

"Though monkeys do not recognize the word 'two' or the symbol '2,' they share with humans the capacity to master simple arithmetic, on at least the level of a two-year-old child. We don't have direct evidence yet, but it seems likely that these monkeys, and other non-human primates, can calculate."

Or even vote for president in America.

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So, if you've always wanted to be a "real" American, here's your chance:

Attention Citizens Living In God's Country Without His Permission, The President Cordially, Yet Strenuously Invites You to Accept the Lord Jesus Christ as Your Personal Savior – Before it is Too Late.

And happy days to discover Landover Baptist, where the worthwhile worship.

Watch out for the "doomed teenage fag".

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Locally, it appears my favourite MP, the bike-riding blonde bear Boris Johnson, has been sacked.

The MP for Henley and editor of The Spectator was "relieved of his duties" as shadow arts minister and party vice-chairman, said a spokesman for the Conservative leader, Michael Howard.

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I am a horse

I travel in a train
that is overcrowded
in my compartment
each seat is taken by a woman
with a man sitting on her lap
the air is unbearably tropical
all the travellers have an enormous appetite
they eat without ceasing
suddenly the men
begin to whimper
and long for the maternal breast
they unbutton the women's blouses
and suck the fresh milk to their hearts' content
I alone do not suck
nor am I suckled
nobody sits on my lap
because I am a horse
immense and upright I sit
with my hind-legs up on the train seat
and comfortably lean
on my fore-legs
I whinny a raucous neigh neigh neigh
on my breast glitter
the sex buttons of sex appeal
in neat little rows
like the glittering buttons on uniforms
oh summertime
oh wide wide world

--Hans Arp

tr, Harriett Watts
in *Three Painter-Poets: Arp, Schwitters, Klee*
[Baltimore: Penguin Books, 1974]