Attorney General Asshat Resigns, Noting: Mission Accomplished

Office of the Attorney General Asshat
November 9, 2004
Message from the Attorney General Asshat to Justice Department Employees

Nearly four years ago in my first message to the Justice Community, I wrote to each of you of my goals for this noble Department: to "rid America of disbelievers, heretics, heathens, girly-men and terrorist sympathisers who don't support our gallant troops and to reconfigure the American justice tradition so that justice will be available to all who embrace Jesus Christ as their saviour and destroy those who don't."

Today I write to you at the close of my time as the Attorney General Asshat, gratified that together we have accomplished our goals and given America a new hope in Jesus Christ our saviour.

On November 2nd, I submitted to the President my intention to resign from the office of Attorney General Asshat of the United States, effective upon confirmation of my successor. As I take leave of this high office, I am filled with gratitude to you, the men and women of the Department of Justice, for an extraordinary period of service that has ushered in an extraordinary era of injustice and insecurity for the American people. We live today in an America that can kill innocents abroad at will, in an America that is safer and morally stronger than ever before; an America
where freedom is not a promise but threat, not a dream but a disaster. I say: "Mission Accomplished".

In partnership with the American people we have compiled a record of all anyone who has checked out a library book about topics we disapprove of, we've launched massive proceedings against internet bong sales, and know what everyone who we don't like is doing at any given moment of the day, an achievement that is remarkable if judged merely by peacetime standards.

But for a time of war, we have surpassed even my wildest dreams ever since I lost to the dead Senator of Missouri four long years ago.

For three years since the worst attack in our nation's history, and in defiance of all expectations, America has systematically eroded the rights of her citizens and simultaneously, has not endured another major terrorist attack. Violent crime is at its lowest rate in three decades because we've locked up all the coloured men. We have engineered double-digit reductions in the rates of sexual assault, robbery and assault because we have locked up all the coloured men. Gun crime prosecutions are at a record high and violent crimes committed with guns are at a record low. Drug use among the nation's youth is declining as they learn that Jesus is the only drug they need. Corporate criminals are facing justice, such as more and unimagineable wealth and prosperity, and corruption has been restored to the nation's marketplace. America's values, as set forth in our Constitution, reflected in our laws, and cherished in our hearts, have been honored and defended.

Now let's all pray to Jesus Christ and have a nice celebration by finding more citizen rights to erode, more ways to spy on our neighbors, more and improved ways of locking up or killing anyone who doesn't love God and embrace our fundamentalist doctrines.

Amen.

*****

In a related story:

ASHCROFT NAMED AMBASSADOR TO MARS Leaves Justice Department After Justice Department Vanishes

Moments after resigning his post at the Justice Department, Attorney General John Ashcroft was tapped for another big job in the Bush administration, being named the United States’ first-ever ambassador to Mars.

“I can think of no one better suited to being ambassador to Mars than John Ashcroft,” said President Bush in a brief statement. “He has been preparing for this job for his entire life.”

Mr. Ashcroft said that he was motivated in part to resign from the Justice Department because the Justice Department no longer existed.

The Department, which had been gradually disappearing over the past three and a half years, completely vanished over the weekend, Mr. Ashcroft said.

“Once I saw that the Justice Department was, in fact, no longer there, I said to myself, ‘Mission accomplished,’” Mr. Ashcroft told reporters.

In Washington, speculation ran rampant that Mr. Ashcroft’s lightning-rod status had motivated the White House to shift him to a role where he could do little damage, serving as ambassador to a presumptively unpopulated planet.

But Mr. Ashcroft quickly dispelled all such talk, telling reporters that he had ambitious plans to turn Mars into a penal colony “that will be the envy of the solar system.”

One White House aide, on condition of anonymity, had this to say about Mr. Ashcroft’s new posting: “At least when John’s on Mars we won’t be able to hear him sing.”

Elsewhere, Teresa Heinz Kerry announced today that she would embark on a three-week tour of the red states, stopping in each state to cuss out random voters.

via The Borowitz Report

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