Republican Convention Kicks Off The President Jesus Bush Hero Train
"No Bigger Hero In The History of Human Kind"

Judging by the spirited addresses by Senator John McCain and former Mayor of NYC, Rudy Giuliani, if it wasn't for the bravery, courage, heroism and the steady-handed and single-minded course of stupidity and misjudgement guided by President Jesus Bush since the attacks of September 11, there might not even BE an America to vote for the President in 2004. It would all be in a smoldering ruin of death and destruction. Lucky for us, President Jesus Bush was around to save the day for all humanity against the triumph of evil and the villanry of terrorism.

In his speech, Mr. Giuliani invoked images of the Sept. 11 terror attacks in a way that few political figures would dare to unless they too were using the tragedy of others in a crass and blatant political ploy. He laced his address with personal experiences, like when he saw a body plummet from the World Trade Center, stopping just short of suggesting that President Jesus Bush was almost able to reach down from the heavens and save even those leaping to their deaths from 111 stories high.

Mr. Giuliani applauded the president's decision to invade Iraq, saying that Saddam Hussein was himself a "weapon of mass destruction," ending of course, any need to actually FIND any weapons of mass destruction which were allegedly the cause for a preemptive invasion of Iraq in the first place. He emphasized the themes of leadership and compassion, and he compared the president to the wartime British prime minister, Winston Churchill, and the last American president of the cold war, Ronald Reagan. When it came to heroes, there wasn't anyone Mr. Giuliani wouldn't compare President Jesus Bush with. "If I didn't already believe Superman were just a cartoon character, I'd believe that Superman was President Jesus Bush and if there WERE a Superman to save all of humanity, well, he must be President Jesus Bush!"

In his remarks, he recalled how President Bush "stood amid the fallen towers and said to the barbaric terrorists who attacked us, 'They will hear from us.' " Not only did they hear from the President, but so did tens of thousands of innocent and dead Iraqi civilians, killed, unfortunately, as collateral damage in the effort to save them from a cruel and evil dictator (Saddam Hussein, that is.)

Leading up to Mr. Giuliani's effusive speech of praise and child-like awe of President Bush was former rival and Vietnam vet, Senator John McCain.

"I knew my confidence was well placed when I watched him stand on the rubble of the World Trade Centre with his arm around a hero of September 11th, and in our moment of mourning and anger, strength in our unity and our resolve by promising to right this terrible wrong." McCain said, straight-shooter that he is. "And even more courageous than even the heroes of September 11th was the reaction of President Bush. Instead of letting other heroes of the American military die FOR him in an ill-thought out invasion of a sovereign nation under false pretexts, our hero President Bush led the charge, like a true hero, single-handedly defeated Saddam Hussein by himself, killing him like the vermin he is without anyone else's help and basically, saved the world from eternal evil and damnation for ever and ever because gosh darn it, there isn't a bigger hero in the world than President Jesus Bush. Not even his own father was brave enough nor strong enough to rid the world of Saddam Hussein and look at what our president did! Oh my! What a courageous man! What a leader!"

Just following the opening night of the convention, a Washington Post-ABC Poll released today showed that more than 90% of Americans think George Bush is the greatest hero in the history of humanity and would give their only children in his name because he is the greatest human being in the history of the world and NO ONE is ever going to be a better president than he has been.

Another 90% believed that John Kerry was Satan's spawn and if he is allowed to be president, it would be like "given the White House to terrorists".