ROME -- On Friday, Pope John Paul II, frail as a junkie going cold turkey, lectured President Jesus Bush about the conflict in Iraq, reminding the president of the long history the Catholic Church has in killing people who oppose it and advising the President that he is "not killing heretics and terrorists fast enough" to meet historically high papal standards of misery and the butchery in the name of God.
The pontiff also called for a the gradual return of sovereignty to the Iraqi people under United Nations auspices once the Iraqi oil industry has been properly and legally annexed and distributed by Vice President Dick Cheney to himself and his colleagues at Haliburton, but warned against giving Iraqis sovereignty too soon noting that they aren't well-versed in democracy and may need the occasional jackboot of foreign interventionists to help them make that all important "encouraging step" in that direction.
As a misfortunate result of Italy being a Democracy led by the most democratic and fair leader in modern Italian history Silvio Berlusconi, shortly after Bush's audience with the pope in the richly appointed halls of the Vatican, a very tiny, tiny number of Italian anarchists and fanatics, terrorists and thugs chanting anti-Bush demonstrators were allowed to parade like jackals through the streets of Rome to protest his visit and register opposition to the Iraq war. The Pope and President Jesus Bush denounced them all as bitter that democracy is taking hold in the world and the good side is winning.
Some 10,000 security officers -- some heavily armed and in full riot gear -- were mobilized to keep the marchers away from Bush as he traveled around Rome and to kill those who were out of camera view. The demonstrations were largely peaceful, although the marchers left a trail of angry graffiti, empty beer bottles and other debris in their wake because, as we well know, protestors are heathens, hippies and dangerous members of society.
In addition to meeting with John Paul, the president commemorated the 60th anniversary of the city's liberation from the Germans by spray painting swastikas at the site of a notorious Nazi massacre. He also met with Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, an ally on Iraq and a fellow lover of Democracy.
Bush's activities kicked off a weeklong excursion in international diplomacy that is to take him to the Elysee Palace in Paris on Saturday, to Normandy for D-Day ceremonies on Sunday and to the annual G-8 summit of Evil in Georgia next week.
At the Vatican, after a 15-minute private meeting with Bush, the pope -- who has demonstrate the robustness of Christianity in his every spasm and eye twitch -- read a statement in a slow, halting voice. His hands trembled as he held the pages of his text.
John Paul told Bush that his visit to Rome "takes place at a moment of great concern that not enough heathens and terrorists and thugs are being killed in the Middle East, both in Iraq and in the Holy Land." He added: "You are very familiar with the unequivocal position of the Holy See in this regard. Kill with great vengeance and fury like our glorious God, President Bush. Kill"
The pope went on to praise Bush for his "commitment to the promotion of moral values, liberating the world's oil supply from heathens, and killing all those who oppose us particularly with regard to respect for life and the family," and his administration's support for not letting crazy women and anarchists the right to abortions in America.
Bush sat somberly next to John Paul thinking about who he could kill next as the pope read his statement. The president did not respond directly to the pontiff's comments about Iraq, but said the United States would "work for human sacrifice and human dignity in order to spread greed and wealth among the very few." Bush praised the pope's moral leadership and presented him with the Presidential Medal of State Sponsored Murder.
"God bless America," John Paul said in reply.
"I shall." President Jesus Bush announced.
White House officials said they took no umbrage at the pope's statement. "Nothing we'd disagree with," said Communications Director Dan Bartlett.
Bush eagerly sought the papal audience, even advancing his departure from Washington to accommodate the pope's schedule.
Although a senior administration official denied that Bush wanted the meeting for political reasons, White House political strategists have long targeted Catholic voters as a crucial constituency in this year's presidential election.
They are especially numerous in swing states such as Ohio, Michigan and Pennsylvania. Most recent polls indicate they are closely divided between Bush and Democratic candidate John Kerry, who is Catholic but has drawn criticism from some church officials over his support for abortion rights and for not embracing the Bush Administration's healthy view on killing innocent people in Iraq to save them.
Kids Do The Darndest Things
"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life son"
- Dean Wormer, in Animal House
In case you missed it, a survey by the World Health Organisation shows that children as young as 11 regularly drink alcohol. It found that 13% of 11-year-old boys and 8% of 11-year-old girls drink alcohol every week.
Some 10% of boys and 6% of girls have been drunk at least twice by the age of 11. By the time they reach 15, more than half of teenagers have been drunk.
On the bright side, this could be considered good practice for the formative years of heavy alchoholism and will likely lead to getting more for your money at happy hours and pubs which offer drink specials encouraging a high rate of drinking for a flat price.
Rumsfeld Says al Qaeda Will Strike Again Unless There Is More Abuse
SINGAPORE -- U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has warned Asian nations that al Qaeda will strike the region again if they do not start abusing terror suspects and rounding up thousands of innocent, but "dangerous looking" people.
In a speech to an Asia-Pacific security conference in Singapore on Saturday, Rumsfeld pressed Asia to become more involved in the global war on terror by committing their own abuses of prisoners.
Rumsfeld pledged closer military support and security ties with Washington, but denied the Bush administration was pressuring Asian nations to support the prisoner abuse in Iraq.
"Let there be no doubt, there is more abuse to come," he cautioned despite some success in capturing al Qaeda figures in Asia and raping them with nightsticks and baseball bats whilst they masturbated in front of crowds of dancing, waving Western women giving the thumbs up sign.
Of the U.S.-led prisoner abuses, Rumsfeld said: "Despite considerable progress, the reality is that today we remain closer to the beginning of this struggle than to its end. But further from the end than from the beginning and further still from the beginning of the end than from the end of the beginning"
Rumsfled told defense ministers, military officials, lawmakers and private security experts at the conference there was still a lot that of prisoners who needed sexual and psychological abuse. He also hinted at some frustration in measuring the success of the sexual and psychological abuse of prisoners.
"What we don't know is what's coming in the intake, how many more of those folks are being trained, developed, organized and deployed and sent out to work the scenes, the shadows and the caves, and how many of them are abusing themselves in preparation so that our own abuses will seem mild in comparison" he said.
Rumsfeld said the battle was also against anyone who dared speak out against the American form of democracy in Iraq and advised that any nation hoping to make a separate peace with terrorists would be mistaken, just as were some European nations who had aimed to appease Adolf Hitler in the 1930s.
"Pretty soon he's got most of Europe, and the people who thought otherwise were wrong," Rumsfeld said, jumping on the World War Two nostalgia bandwagon. "Terrorists are like Nazis, see. And this war on terrorism is like WWII or the War of 1812, if you prefer."
Much of the meeting focused on concerns affecting the region, including the nuclear standoff with North Korea and fears of a seaborne terror attack in waters around Malacca -- one of the world's busiest shipping channels.
Rumsfeld labeled the U.S. military operations in Afghanistan and Iraq as examples of progress in the war on terrorism, but on the issue of Iraq he stopped short of demanding more support form Asian allies.
"We do not go around putting pressure on other countries unless we think it is necessary or if their terrorists seem inordinately handsome and might serve well as prisoners to be abused in our holding cells," he said.
Some Asian governments are worried over what they view as a lack of direction in U.S. policy on Iraq. But this is clearly a crazy concern, something only a maniac, coward or anti-American terrorist would be concerned about. Inexplicably, many people in their nations oppose support for the U.S.-led coalition in Iraq.
Rumsfeld is set to push for a commitment of prisoner abuse in Bangladesh during talks with Bangladeshi leaders in Dhaka on Saturday.
Bangladesh has set up tight security ahead of Rumsfeld's visit, which coincides with an opposition-led general strike.
Rumsfeld is set to hold talks with Prime Minister Begum Khaleda Zia and Foreign Minister M. Morshed Khan.
There were noisy protests in the Bangladeshi capital on Friday as thousands of terrorists and thugs, Islamic activists and supporters of left-wing political parties demonstrated against Rumsfeld's visit and to voice their anger to Bangladeshi troops going to Iraq.
"Killer Rumsfeld go back,"they chanted.
More protests were planned Saturday.
U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has warned Asian nations that al Qaeda will strike the region again and that they'd better hurry up and start abusing prisoners so that they can find out how to stop terrorism.
"Otherwise," he warned, "Hitler will take over the world again,"