donderdag, juni 10, 2004

Bush Says Chirac's the Cat's Meow and The Great Satan's Eight Are Back In Business

If we are to believe the propaganda, The Great Satan's Group of Eight Summit, where three quarters of the evil in the world is painstakingly plotted out, has been a smashing success. Everyone is so goddamned happy being with each other, rolling naked in blood and oil and a variety of currencies, that they even considered extending the meeting into an all summer long orgy of happiness and comraderie.

The headlines might want to sing hosannas about the new love affair between President Chirac and President Jesus Bush, but this unphotoshopped photo clearly demonstrates the degree of disdain Chirac holds for President Jesus Bush.

Just examine the look of nausea in his face, the squinting revulsion as he spies Bush leaning forward and extending his right hand in offer of a shake as though Chirac were Bush's dog being called upon to perform a trick.

C'mon Jacques-y-boy! Put her there! Let's have that paw!" Bush whispers through the right corner of his mouth, the corner of the mouth that is out of the camera's line of vision.

Chirac's face, no I've got it wrong. It isn't a look of nausea, it is a look of amused disbelief perhaps, as though a quadriplegic had just risen from his chair and performed a brief dance for the President of France. Perhaps Chirac is wondering to himself what this American cowboy, the true spawn of Ronald Reagan, is trying to prove with his idiotic look of sincere, begrudged friendship in his pinched, evil eyes that stare down at his own, firmly proferred hand as though he doesn't believe himself that he is actually going to offer his hand to this cowardly French paper shuffler. Chirac is no man. By Christ, he's almost a woman! What did HE do to fight terrorists like me? Bush is likely reminding himself. I'm killing all the bastards and this French faerie wants to make love to them! Chirac doesn't even deserve to LICK my hand, let alone shake it, Bush is muttering to himself with his inner voice.

And look how tightly Bush's left hand is gripping the arm of his chair. By God, he looks like he's afraid that if he lets go, his entire reality will go spinning out of control and the Frenchman across from him will suddenly smear lipstick all over his face.

More humiliating still, Chirac had the temerity to note that the food served at the three-day gathering was "certainly on a par" with French cuisine.

What French cuisine is that, Frenchy, Bush was certain to have thought to himself. Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast??!!

But it wasn't all fun and games, oh no. President Jesus Bush made a plea on Wednesday for a continued, even expanded, NATO presence in Iraq. "C'mon Frenchy," Bush was alleged to have urged. "give us some of those troops of yours, we need a few weaklings to kick around now that Abu Ghraib is off limits!"

At that time, Mr. Chirac said he saw no "mission" that would warrant his sending French troops there, a position that he has long maintained with President Gerhard Schröder of Germany.

"Why should we have our own troops killed and sniped at every day when the Americans are doing such a good job of it?" the French leader asked rhetorically.

It was a good joke both he and President Bush can share. That one, and the one about the Weapons of Mass Destruction. That one still causes even the hardened members of The Great Satan's Eight to break into hysterical waves of laughter every time.

"Have you actually SEEN President Bush do that act where he looks under the table, in his shoes, under the lampshades, for Weapons of Mass Destruction and can't find them anywhere?" President Gerhard Schröder of Germany swooned. "This is almost as funny as that time when Hitler was going around the Reichstag looking in ashtrays saying, where are all the Chews? Has anyone seen the Chews? god, I thought I was going to pee myself in laughter!"

The meetings will likely be available video tape and DVD in the fall and will be entitled "Great Satan Eight Summer Bash, Part Deux"

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